Trisk

Okay I'm not sure if this belongs in this forum exactly because it's not about sexuality...but this does seem to be the place people go for relationship advice...but this is more about a friendship.
So here it goes.

It's kind of strange. I live in an apartment building. And I'm friends with this guy who is about 10 years older than me, who I met in the building through a mutual friend. I always liked talking to him because he seemed smart and had maturity beyond what a lot of people my own age seem to have...which I like, because it makes for good, interesting conversation.

I've been friends with him for a few years and at first it was just cool. We hung out and talked. But over time, it became clear that he had some issues. He didn't have a lot of friends, he had issues with friends in the past(i think during a crisis, a lot of his "friends" sort of abandoned him), he had issues with girls(bad breakup), he was mildly OCD about cleanliness (but not enough for real treatment) and he had anxiety issues (really bad anxiety attacks occasionally).
Now...in case you can't see how this would be a bad mixture....the OCD leads to anxiety. The issues he has lead to anxiety. Anxiety needs dealing with. Without many friends, he only has a few people to go to about these problems. So I was usually either the person he would go to about these problems or the person he would take out all his anxiety on. And it was horrible. It got to the point where we were fighting nonstop. Pretty much every other day, we were fighting about something or another because he was always anxious and I wasnt always there for him. I wanted to go out with my friends and have fun and he wanted me to sit in the building and listen to him whine. It got to the point where he'd start calling me when I was with my friends and scream at me for being with them two days in a row (Friday night and Saturday). He would constantly insult me...saying that the only reason anyone would do that is because they were insecure and trying to hard (wtf?)...and tell me I was a horrible friend and all this crap.
Later on, he would sometimes say he was sorry and he was being unreasonable but he'd always get anxious again and it would start up.

Eventually, I couldnt take it anymore. I'm young and I need to enjoy my life. I can't constantly be looking after the problems of someone who's 10 years older than me. He needs to start to figure things out for himself. Right?
It was so hard to break it off with him. He kept coming to my house...crying. Yes, crying. A grown man. And I would just tell him to stop and close the door. It was hard and I felt bad but it was really psychotic. I actually started to have nightmares about being stalked by him.

So...6 months later...with the urging of my friend, I decided to let him back into my life. Apparently he had been through a lot of therapy and stuff...so I figured I'd give him another chance. I felt so guilty about the way I had so bluntly ended our friendship. So I started talking to him again and all this crap...and he was A LOT better for a long time. Apparently the therapy made a huge amount of difference. So we were cool for a while.
But very gradually, I noticed certain things coming back. And now...after almost a year...things are almost the way they were before I broke off our friendship. He gets mad at me if I'm busy for two days and don't try to contact him. He yells at me about what kind of friend I "should be". I went on vacation for four days or so a few weeks ago and he said he missed me. WTF?

So yesterday, I had a class until 4:30. He had called me earlier that day and yelled at me and then sent me an angry message in class (on my cell). Some time later, I got another message from him saying "I'm in a bad mood." So the class ended at 4:30 and I went back to my place and I lost track of time and by 7, I still hadn't contacted him. So he called me and started screaming, saying I should have contacted him earlier because any good friend would be concerned when their friend was in a bad mood. He then informed me that he didn't want to talk anymore and hung up. 5 minutes later, he went online and yelled at me some more, signing off before I could respond. I tried to call him back but he didnt pick up, so I figured he had gone to someone else for help. I saw him in the building at 8:00 but he still didn't want to talk to me so I shrugged and went on my way. At 9:30, he called me up screaming again, saying I should have tried harder to contact him and talk to him before, and now I should go to his house. I informed him that I was with a friend and that pissed him off too. The fight is continuing today. I really don't know how to deal with him anymore.

I need some help. WHat would you do? I'm moving in a month so I'm thinking that maybe I should just apologize and end on good terms with him so I don't screw him up even more. But on the other hand...there is so much shit I want to say to him. He is so aggrivating and I'm not so sure I'm being unreasonable. The problem is...he has so many issues that if I even said half the things I was thinking, I'd never see the end of it and neither would he, in terms of therapyl. DO you think I'm being unreasonable? I think it's so rediculous that he's always telling me what I "should have done, as a good friend". Who does this? The only time when you have an obligation to do certain things for people is when you're going out....at least that's what I thought. Is my thinking flawed?
I need some objective perspective on this. A lot of my friends don't like him because of all the stress he has caused me in the past. And they think it's weird that I hang out with someone older than me. Some of them even think he might be in love with me. I always tell them that's rediculous but I don't see any other reason why he'd be so attatched and needy all the time. What do you think?

Sorry this is so long.

st33lr4t

seems like he is dependant on you. sounds like he used to keep to himself alot until you came around. now your the only one he really has so your his only focus and thats why you take the brunt of everything. i think he expects you to have the same "dependency" on him as he has on you.

if his friendship means enough to you i would sit him down and tell him how you feel.

Aladdin Sane

First question: Are you male or female?

My solution: stay away from this guy. You are codependent in this relationship. Forget him. Maybe he'll get well in the future and you can resume a relationship with him, but for now you gotta say bye bye.

__________________
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

highthief

Go through with yourmove and don't tell this guy where you went or give him your new number. Quite frankly, this guy needs very serious therapy and all you are doing is encouraging him to be dependant on you. Wish him well, give him the number of a good therapist and cut him off.

He has strong feelings for you for sure - whether those feelings are romantic or not only you and he can say.

Having dealt with severa anxiety attacks myself, I can safely say that is no damn reason to treat people the way he treats you. Hell, I made an effort to be nicer to everyone because I knew I needed support when I went through that crap. I have no sympathy for anyone who treats people the way you describe.

Mantus

He is taking you for granted. He is used to just being able to abuse you and you not going anywhere. You got to put your foot down. I know you want to be nice and supportive but have you ever considered that this might actually be making things worse for him? It’s obviously not making your life any better. He needs therapy.

I wouldn’t confront him. Those kinds of situations never lead anywhere. If all the previous fights never changed anything why would you think that another one is going to do the trick? You need to cut your ties and let him get on with his life so you can do the same. I think it would be best for both you of.

Good luck.

Trisk

Thanks for the replies.

st33lr4t -- yeah, you're right. He didn't have many friends. He just expects me to always be there when I cant be.

Aladdin - I am a female.

Hightheif - He knows I'm moving but I'm getting rid of my cell phone, I don't know what my new number will be and he has a reason to stay where he is right now. I'm moving pretty far away. So...the only way to contact me as of now would be the internet. Which I should be able to manage fine. It will be great not living in the same building as him.
I wasnt expecting anyone here to provide the "does he love you" answer...I just thought saying that he might could help illustrate the situation
But I'm glad to hear from someone that has had experience with anxiety attacks that these arent things that just come along with the package. Part of the reason I always felt so guilty is because I just thought it was something he couldn't help. Now I know better.

Mantus - you're right. Confronting him never helps anything. Like I said, I'm very glad I'm leaving.

Most of you guys said the same basic things. He needs therapy and I should get away from him. And I think you're right. I know it will be a huge burden off my back when I move....and I think it will encourage him to go out and meet new people (I think he did this last time I stopped talking to him).
The thing is, he's been in therapy this whole time, so I'm not sure how much that was helping. I just hope that he doesn't bring all these problems into other relationships, or else I don't see how he's going to stay friends with people. You just can't have that many rules to being your friend if you want to keep them around. ...and I can only imagine how an S.O. of his would feel

Rand007

One of my friends (girl) has a friend that acts similar to what you're describing but not to the same extreme. She feels similar to how you feel. He makes her feel guilty if she doesn't talk to him everyday. Sometimes he says he's just going to end the relationship, stop being her friend because she doesn't know how to be a good friend, and misc. other crap like that. She's a religious person so he also plays that card quite a bit. Like your situation it is not healthy for either of you. He is far too dependant on you for his or your well being, and there is some kind of attachment he has to you that goes beyond normal friendship.

It's good that you're moving. In all honesly you're not helping this guy by allowing him to treat you this way, you're only allowing his co-dependant and harmful behavior to continue. You need to begin cutting off his ability to be dependant on you. You should prepare yourself for the possibility that he will make suicide threats once you are cut off from him. It doesn't sound like he did that the first time you backed off from him but it is a tendancy in situations like this.

__________________
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

-Unknown

analog

Just walk away slowly, don't tell him where you're going or how to contact you, and just move on with your life- you've paid up in charity work with this guy.

Captain Nemo

Fundamentally, ask yourself why you are subjecting yourself to this crap. I fully agree With Aladdin Sane. This is a co-dependent relationship. Unless you have long-term aspirations to be with this guy, walk away now before any more of your psyche is torched by this guy. It is not your role to be his emotional support unless that is something you want to do. And the fact that you are saying the things you are means you don't want to. Move on...

RainbowBright

As someone who's gotten caught up in the "Let me help you fix yourself" routine distance is probably the only answer. Certainley he does not seem to bring anything to the friendship and relationships are supposed to go two ways. My only suggestion to you if you did stay friends with him would be to encourage him to get involved in things that would help him meet people. Clubs, community ed classes, anxiety support groups whatever. Maybe if had other interactions with people he wouldn't be so dependent on you. (see how I'm still trying to help him? I'm helper, it gets me in trouble.) Whatever you do don't feel that you are responsible for his feelings.