Quick question about silence in a budding relationship - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Weezil · 07-19-2004, 05:20 PM

Ok, here's a quick question to probably the ladies but for the more astute men out there, too.

I know that avoidance and communication lapses are signs of disinterest but can they also be a sign of an individual who is scared? Scared in the fact that their past relationships have been really bad and they are now faced with someone who they say meets all of their expectations and criteria. Scared that they don't want to screw things up or get hurt? Scared that things might not be as good as they hope?

Thoughts?

ruggerp11 · 07-19-2004, 05:40 PM

Weezil, it never hurts to listen. I get nervous in new relationships and start talking often times. I have learned over time that silence is ok, to a point. Make sure you have things to say but don't hold up the conversation by yourself. If it takes you asking her questions over and over again to make her talk then its not worth it. Just test the waters and let the silence go for a bit. If she wants to talk to you she will.

Good luck bud!

Acetylene · 07-19-2004, 05:59 PM

It can mean three things, in my experience.

1. He/she is a little shy, and is mainly excited about being with you, but that doesn't make for a good topic of conversation ("So! You're really hot! I'm really excited! That's about all I can think about right now!").

2. He/she feels very comfortable with you and doesn't feel the need to do more than hang out.

3. He/she wishes you would leave them alone so they can do whatever it is they do.

Use your judgement to determine which one.

kurty[B] · 07-19-2004, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ruggerp11
If it takes you asking her questions over and over again to make her talk then its not worth it.

Don't have any advice to give here, just wanted to thank you rugger for that statement. I need to heed that a bit more closely.

Trisk · 07-19-2004, 07:03 PM

It depends on when she is silent, how she looks when she is silent and how long you've known her.
If you're recently met her and gone on only 2-3 dates with her, she could still be a little shy and have trouble warming up to you. Do you find that once in a while, a certain topic will make her warm up and talk a lot but then, later, she is quiet again? This probably means that she needs time to warm up and be comfterble.
If she looks at her nails and at the wall and everywhere but you when she is with you and you are trying to talk to her, that could be a sign of disintrest. Does she occasionally snap back? Do you catch her rolling her eyes when you say something and then look up a few seconds later? If so, maybe you should back off.

If you've known her for a while, she may just feel comfterble being around you and not talking. Does she smile at you and look content...but attentive when you talk? Do her actions show affection?

...If she's scared, it's more likely that she would just be quiet when you bring up certain (sensitive) subjects. She might also start to look tense when you bring them up or when you try to get too close to her.

Kazic · 07-19-2004, 07:58 PM

Its a good sign when you get to that stage in a relationship when you can have the comfortable silence. It can happen when you least expect it. walking, eating dinner/breakfast/lunch driving.
When you get to that point the first time it feels weird but it really is a good thing.
If its that then its nothing to worry about. If you feel uncomortable you may pass that on to her.

pinkie · 07-19-2004, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Weezil
Scared in the fact that their past relationships have been really bad and they are now faced with someone who they say meets all of their expectations and criteria. Scared that they don't want to screw things up or get hurt? Scared that things might not be as good as they hope?

Yes. Trust can be a serious issue for someone who has been hurt. Give them time, and reassurance. Silence doesn't have to be an uncomfortable thing. Physical reassurance, like touching or holding hands always helps ensure affection. I'm sure they have many thoughts running through their head. Time is a good why to establish trust. Let it flow the way it will, don't rush things, or feel they should be different. If you really like each other, then I think you'll be okay.

Some people who have been hurt fear getting hurt again, and fear abandonment. It's good to work through these fears with open communication, patience and understanding. Even though silence can be fine, communication is the key to healthy functioning relationships. If there are issues, it's best to get them out in the open, and then work through them together. Like you would do with a family member, or your best friend.

Fear of failure is a common one, and I think everyone at one point of really liking someone thinks, "I hope this actually works out!" I think it would be weird not to. Taking risks can be the scariest, yet most rewarding thing in life. It's the difference between holding back, and living. Always live, it's the only way to gain, and grow. Try to have as little regrets as possible.

Weezil · 07-20-2004, 06:13 AM

Lots of good thoughts here. Pinkie, I think your's is the closest on to what I was thinking about, though. However, I think I should have probably given more info when I posted, but it was late and I needed to get to bed.

This girl and I met through a mutual friend. Actually, we talked for a week or so online before we first met each other in person. From things she said and bits she had written, I was completely convinced that this girl was just amazing and we had so much in common it was ridiculous. What really got me was something she wrote in her blog about what she was looking for in a guy and so I jumped on it. Things went so well talking that <i>she</i> asked to meet for coffee the first time. I figured I must have said something right. Let me make this plain: I made the first move and then she showed great enthusiasm about me. I was just stoked that it was happening and let it ride...

From our mutual friend, I knew a little bit of her back story; well, just about her ex that really took advantage of her that he had introduced to her. Out of respect, I won't continue with that story...

When we met, I held back and she pretty much led the conversation, talking about her family, and music, and inevitably her two ex's that messed with her head and heart so badly. I was quiet, but in my mind felt I didn't have anything to prove anyway. At the end of the evening (4.5 hrs later) she hugged me and asked to do this again to which I agreed. That evening when I got home I emailed her telling her that she was everything that I had expected (I was joking with her that she'd better be as cool in person as she made herself out to be).

Conversation since then (3 weeks ago) has been virtually non-existent. I emailed her a couple of times, one of which was to try and set up another meeting, but she cited schedule issues (work and such). I tried calling, but got her voicemail and no response. Last night I emailed one more time trying to make light of the growing weirdness. Now I wait.

So now a million "what ifs" are swirling in my head. She'll post to her blog wistful, pensive lyrics and I don't know who they're about. Busy or not, I don't understand why you can't pick up the phone and just call and say "hey" for two minutes. Is she scared? Is she not interested? Is there someone else she met recently? Is there someone else that she knew before me? Those are my questions.

And I can't say I did anything wrong. I didn't wuss out in the least. I guess my problem is being aggravated by something that was so good so fast feeling like it's going sour even faster.

Thanks everyone

st33lr4t · 07-20-2004, 07:43 AM

tell her how you feel and stop assuming things. also just because you think things are going great doesnt mean she does. she might have other things that she needs to deal with before she can let you into her life. but again tell her how you feel and go from there.

Weezil · 07-20-2004, 06:24 PM

Good point... I doubt the effectiveness of that course of action, though. I've done it before and the consequences were less than desireable.

I just wish I knew the whole story, that's all.

pinkie · 07-20-2004, 10:22 PM

Send her flowers at work...

Trisk · 07-21-2004, 12:49 AM

From the sound of it, she probably is a bit afraid of being hurt again.
You might want to try and give her a little bit of time (maybe to think things over or something). She may also, for some reason, be experiencing depression. Maybe she feels that she's not good enough for you or she was reminded of something from her past that hurt her. She might just need to cool down and compose herself....and if she does, she might get annoyed by too much pressure to open up and talk to you (since she still doesn't know you super-well).

If you want to follow Pinky's advice and send her flower's at work, that might make her day. But if she doesn't call you back that day...maybe wait a day or two and then see what she's up to. Things might be completely cool by then.

Weezil · 07-21-2004, 08:58 AM

It's interesting, a couple of times now she's lamented on her blog about being "alone." And again has mentioned ex's in a "I'm still thinking about it but I don't want to actually talk about it" kind of way. Reading things she writes, I'd like to just scream at her "DAMMIT, GIRL! Look what's standing right in front of you; you don't have to be alone and deal with all of that crap anymore!" But then again, we haven't spoken so what's really the use?

Pinkie: aah, the old flowers routine... maybe if I knew where she worked. Then again, haven't had much luck with that move in the past, either

Trisk: I want to believe what you're saying, and the optimistic side of me is screaming your exact words at the other portion of my brain. However, that other part, a very large ogre-like creature, has yet to be swayed by what I hope is good old-fashioned reason.

I don't know about depression but there's definitely deep sadness and regret going on about a lot of things. This girl is complicated, indeed, but as my aunt commented once: "That's what attracts you; you really do like to try and figure them out, don't you?"

My best friend has been saying something to me that is soo profound but I can't, in all my self-doubt and self-depreciation, accept completely:

"You have nothing to be sorry for and you haven't done anything wrong. I've known you for a long time and you are a good person that's got so much going for him. It's been in her court now since the beginning. If she can't see that, or sees it but is still flaking out, then it's her malfunction."

Granted he could have said that I was being a pussed out loser, but he didn't and isn't the only one who has.

Reading the "alone" stuff just gets me aggravated and this morning I had the first twinge of thinking about just leaving this situation be and letting her off to her own devices. If something happened (or I did something...) and she either can't, won't, or doesn't want to be in contact with me, all the while being saddened by her situation which I may, in fact, be able to rectify by being a part of her life, then who needs it?

But I don't want to have to do that...

Weezil · 07-31-2004, 06:06 AM

UPDATE: She met someone else. No details yet, but that's the story. It's not that getting my heartbroken is anything new, it's just that even after having it happen a few times, it still hurts, bad.

Thanks for all of your kind thoughts. But in the end, people can't control who they are attracted to.

07-19-2004, 05:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
Weezil Tilted Location: Deep in Jersey	Quick question about silence in a budding relationship Ok, here's a quick question to probably the ladies but for the more astute men out there, too. I know that avoidance and communication lapses are signs of disinterest but can they also be a sign of an individual who is scared? Scared in the fact that their past relationships have been really bad and they are now faced with someone who they say meets all of their expectations and criteria. Scared that they don't want to screw things up or get hurt? Scared that things might not be as good as they hope? Thoughts?

07-19-2004, 05:40 PM	#2 (permalink)
ruggerp11 Cautiously soaring Location: exploring my new home in SF	Weezil, it never hurts to listen. I get nervous in new relationships and start talking often times. I have learned over time that silence is ok, to a point. Make sure you have things to say but don't hold up the conversation by yourself. If it takes you asking her questions over and over again to make her talk then its not worth it. Just test the waters and let the silence go for a bit. If she wants to talk to you she will. Good luck bud! __________________ Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

07-19-2004, 05:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	It can mean three things, in my experience. 1. He/she is a little shy, and is mainly excited about being with you, but that doesn't make for a good topic of conversation ("So! You're really hot! I'm really excited! That's about all I can think about right now!"). 2. He/she feels very comfortable with you and doesn't feel the need to do more than hang out. 3. He/she wishes you would leave them alone so they can do whatever it is they do. Use your judgement to determine which one. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

07-19-2004, 07:58 PM	#6 (permalink)
Kazic Psycho Location: Fortress of Solitude	Its a good sign when you get to that stage in a relationship when you can have the comfortable silence. It can happen when you least expect it. walking, eating dinner/breakfast/lunch driving. When you get to that point the first time it feels weird but it really is a good thing. If its that then its nothing to worry about. If you feel uncomortable you may pass that on to her. __________________ "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

07-20-2004, 06:13 AM	#8 (permalink)
Weezil Tilted Location: Deep in Jersey	Lots of good thoughts here. Pinkie, I think your's is the closest on to what I was thinking about, though. However, I think I should have probably given more info when I posted, but it was late and I needed to get to bed. This girl and I met through a mutual friend. Actually, we talked for a week or so online before we first met each other in person. From things she said and bits she had written, I was completely convinced that this girl was just amazing and we had so much in common it was ridiculous. What really got me was something she wrote in her blog about what she was looking for in a guy and so I jumped on it. Things went so well talking that <i>she</i> asked to meet for coffee the first time. I figured I must have said something right. Let me make this plain: I made the first move and then she showed great enthusiasm about me. I was just stoked that it was happening and let it ride... From our mutual friend, I knew a little bit of her back story; well, just about her ex that really took advantage of her that he had introduced to her. Out of respect, I won't continue with that story... When we met, I held back and she pretty much led the conversation, talking about her family, and music, and inevitably her two ex's that messed with her head and heart so badly. I was quiet, but in my mind felt I didn't have anything to prove anyway. At the end of the evening (4.5 hrs later) she hugged me and asked to do this again to which I agreed. That evening when I got home I emailed her telling her that she was everything that I had expected (I was joking with her that she'd better be as cool in person as she made herself out to be). Conversation since then (3 weeks ago) has been virtually non-existent. I emailed her a couple of times, one of which was to try and set up another meeting, but she cited schedule issues (work and such). I tried calling, but got her voicemail and no response. Last night I emailed one more time trying to make light of the growing weirdness. Now I wait. So now a million "what ifs" are swirling in my head. She'll post to her blog wistful, pensive lyrics and I don't know who they're about. Busy or not, I don't understand why you can't pick up the phone and just call and say "hey" for two minutes. Is she scared? Is she not interested? Is there someone else she met recently? Is there someone else that she knew before me? Those are my questions. And I can't say I did anything wrong. I didn't wuss out in the least. I guess my problem is being aggravated by something that was so good so fast feeling like it's going sour even faster. Thanks everyone Last edited by Weezil; 07-20-2004 at 06:26 AM..

07-19-2004, 07:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
Trisk Insane	It depends on when she is silent, how she looks when she is silent and how long you've known her. If you're recently met her and gone on only 2-3 dates with her, she could still be a little shy and have trouble warming up to you. Do you find that once in a while, a certain topic will make her warm up and talk a lot but then, later, she is quiet again? This probably means that she needs time to warm up and be comfterble. If she looks at her nails and at the wall and everywhere but you when she is with you and you are trying to talk to her, that could be a sign of disintrest. Does she occasionally snap back? Do you catch her rolling her eyes when you say something and then look up a few seconds later? If so, maybe you should back off. If you've known her for a while, she may just feel comfterble being around you and not talking. Does she smile at you and look content...but attentive when you talk? Do her actions show affection? ...If she's scared, it's more likely that she would just be quiet when you bring up certain (sensitive) subjects. She might also start to look tense when you bring them up or when you try to get too close to her.

07-20-2004, 07:43 AM	#9 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	tell her how you feel and stop assuming things. also just because you think things are going great doesnt mean she does. she might have other things that she needs to deal with before she can let you into her life. but again tell her how you feel and go from there.

07-20-2004, 06:24 PM	#10 (permalink)
Weezil Tilted Location: Deep in Jersey	Good point... I doubt the effectiveness of that course of action, though. I've done it before and the consequences were less than desireable. I just wish I knew the whole story, that's all.

07-20-2004, 10:22 PM	#11 (permalink)
pinkie Helplessly hoping Location: Above the stars	Send her flowers at work...

07-21-2004, 12:49 AM	#12 (permalink)
Trisk Insane	From the sound of it, she probably is a bit afraid of being hurt again. You might want to try and give her a little bit of time (maybe to think things over or something). She may also, for some reason, be experiencing depression. Maybe she feels that she's not good enough for you or she was reminded of something from her past that hurt her. She might just need to cool down and compose herself....and if she does, she might get annoyed by too much pressure to open up and talk to you (since she still doesn't know you super-well). If you want to follow Pinky's advice and send her flower's at work, that might make her day. But if she doesn't call you back that day...maybe wait a day or two and then see what she's up to. Things might be completely cool by then.

07-21-2004, 08:58 AM	#13 (permalink)
Weezil Tilted Location: Deep in Jersey	It's interesting, a couple of times now she's lamented on her blog about being "alone." And again has mentioned ex's in a "I'm still thinking about it but I don't want to actually talk about it" kind of way. Reading things she writes, I'd like to just scream at her "DAMMIT, GIRL! Look what's standing right in front of you; you don't have to be alone and deal with all of that crap anymore!" But then again, we haven't spoken so what's really the use? Pinkie: aah, the old flowers routine... maybe if I knew where she worked. Then again, haven't had much luck with that move in the past, either Trisk: I want to believe what you're saying, and the optimistic side of me is screaming your exact words at the other portion of my brain. However, that other part, a very large ogre-like creature, has yet to be swayed by what I hope is good old-fashioned reason. I don't know about depression but there's definitely deep sadness and regret going on about a lot of things. This girl is complicated, indeed, but as my aunt commented once: "That's what attracts you; you really do like to try and figure them out, don't you?" My best friend has been saying something to me that is soo profound but I can't, in all my self-doubt and self-depreciation, accept completely: "You have nothing to be sorry for and you haven't done anything wrong. I've known you for a long time and you are a good person that's got so much going for him. It's been in her court now since the beginning. If she can't see that, or sees it but is still flaking out, then it's her malfunction." Granted he could have said that I was being a pussed out loser, but he didn't and isn't the only one who has. Reading the "alone" stuff just gets me aggravated and this morning I had the first twinge of thinking about just leaving this situation be and letting her off to her own devices. If something happened (or I did something...) and she either can't, won't, or doesn't want to be in contact with me, all the while being saddened by her situation which I may, in fact, be able to rectify by being a part of her life, then who needs it? But I don't want to have to do that...

07-31-2004, 06:06 AM	#14 (permalink)
Weezil Tilted Location: Deep in Jersey	UPDATE: She met someone else. No details yet, but that's the story. It's not that getting my heartbroken is anything new, it's just that even after having it happen a few times, it still hurts, bad. Thanks for all of your kind thoughts. But in the end, people can't control who they are attracted to.