Really need some advice / opinions - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

bookerV · 07-12-2004, 07:10 AM

Well since relationship advice threads seem to be all the rage I will post my dilema and hopefully get some outside opinions on the matter. This is a bit difficult for me as I don't usually post about this kind of thing, but I really do feel a bit torn up inside and I need a wide variety of opinions.

Ok here we go. About mid April I met this girl at a bar. We hit it off big time. She came home with me (which she has never done before) but we didn't have sex because she didn't want to do that on the first night. We had a great time, get along REALLY well. We had both just got out of a serious relationship about a month prior to this. So the timing was not ideal. What was even less ideal was the fact that she was going home for the summer.

So for the next three weeks while she was here we saw each other a LOT. We talked every day, and saw each other almost every day. Spending the night with one another more often than not. Everything was fantastic between us. The problem looming though was her going away. She does not like the long distance thing, and I'm not a big fan of it either, it is very hard. She tells me that I have everything she looks for in a guy, and we are at basically the same place mentally when it comes to what we want and what we are ready for in a relationship (ie, we are both prepared for something serious if it comes to that).

Ok, so now she goes away with us agreeing to talk on the phone when we can, and be single, but to pick up where we left off when she gets back. This is tough but it seems the best. She has been in relationships back to back for the last 4 years, and I've done the same for the last 6 years. So she really wanted a summer to be on her own and not worry about someone else. However she also said she had no intentions of dating anyone else. She just wanted to be on her own and do her own thing. It was something she felt she had to do.

Ok, fast forward about a month. We had been talking almost every day. She says she wants to be with me and do the long distance thing. Ok, I ask her if she is sure, and it's what she wants to do. She says it is, all is good. We have booked a trip for the two of us to get away for a weekend when she gets back here.

Now we fast forward to last night. Things had been going great. Up until about a week ago she started to be a little distant. So we have a talk. She says that the long distance thing isn't working for her and she feels that she didn't get her time to be on her own. She says that if she didn't take the time she needs to be on her own, she is almost sure that it would cause problems between us because she wouldn't feel right. She says that I am an incredible guy and she wants to be with me, but she doesn't want this to get in the way so she wants us to be single for the remainder of the summer. She says that if we stayed together there is a very good chance that she wouldn't have the time she needed and she would resent it. We did only know each other for a short time in person and therefore she wants us to start fresh when she gets back. Go on our trip and sort some stuff out and just make things right. As for now the long distance isn't working, given that we only knew each other for a short time beforehand, and because of that something is "missing".

I asked her a LOT of questions about this. She says she is not interested in dating other guys since she is leaving where she is soon, and she wants to be with me. She doesn't sleep around so she doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. But while we were together if she was at a bar with her friends she said she would feel guilty about dancing with another guy, and that is the feeling that makes her feel like she didn't get the time she needed to be on her own.

She knows that she is taking a risk, because I am going to be single here too. I have been put through a lot with this so far. She is a great girl. We get along fantastically. But I am not going to sit around pining over her while she is out partying, I am going to do my own thing to. So the plan is to be single for the rest of the summer, then when she gets back, we start up a new relationship, and just take things slow and really get to know each other.

Should I be worried at all? Something just isn't sitting right with me. She tells me that if she didn't want to be with me she would just break up with me, but she wants it to work with me which is why she says she needs this time during the summer. I feel very confused. All I know at this point is that I am going to do some serious partying for the rest of the summer, but I just have this ache in my stomach. I really just want to be with her. Waiting for it is very hard. Ugh, am I nuts? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Sorry for the mega post, but it all just came out at once. I hate situations like this....

highthief · 07-12-2004, 07:25 AM

Y'know, play it by ear. Maybe what she says is true, maybe not. One thing I've learned from relationships is that you can't control other people, only yourself. So do your thing, she'll do hers - if you still want each other at the end of the day then great. If not, well you haven't pinned your future on this girl anyway.

Averett · 07-12-2004, 07:26 AM

Okay, first of all don't go out partying just because she is. Don't make it a "well if she can do it then so can I, damnit" situation. That's NOT GOOD.

Second: Long distance relationships suck. They suck hard. Big time. That being said, I'm currently in one. Luckly it's not too bad. Just 6 1/2 hours by car. Could be worse. We do the best we can to make it work. It's early so it's still all hearts and flowers and I know that there will be rough spots ahead. Deal with that when it comes.

She sounds genuine. It's not like she said "I need space, and we shouldn't talk." She wants to continue to talk to her. So do that. Email, chat, talk on the phone. Keep the lines of communication open. And do just that, communicate. Don't just talk. For a long distance relationship to work you have to trust the other person. Right now you don't trust her much. So you either have to work past that or just move on.

How far away does she live? Can you easily get to eachother every so often? How long will it be until she gets back to your area?

THGL · 07-12-2004, 07:26 AM

Sounds to me that you've already made up your mind. Let her do her thing and you do yours. Keep your options open though, anything could happen (on both sides) before she gets back.

Now go enjoy your summer!

bookerV · 07-12-2004, 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Averett
How far away does she live? Can you easily get to eachother every so often? How long will it be until she gets back to your area?

She is back for a visit in 2.5 weeks. But she is bringing 3 of her friends. This is their last summer together so its sort of a last time for the girls to be together roadtrip.
She is back for good on August 25th, and we are going on our trip on the 26th. When she comes back it will be for good. She is in her last year of school and after that will be getting a job here. At least that is the current plan.
It's not that I don't trust her, I trust her more than I have ever trusted someone in a situation like this. I have been burned before on trust issues so for me to trust her as much as I do is a gigantic step. See, she is not gone for very much longer at all. So I really hope she gets what she needs with her time on her own.
I'm not going out partying just because she is. I'm going out partying because that is what I would do if I was completely unattached. When I'm single I go out and party with my friends. So I'm not doing it for spite or revenge or anything like that. I'm just doing it because I like to.

Quote:

Originally posted by THGL
Sounds to me that you've already made up your mind. Let her do her thing and you do yours. Keep your options open though, anything could happen (on both sides) before she gets back.

Now go enjoy your summer!

I agree that anything can happen. I am going to keep my options open. I plan on enjoying the rest of the summer. There is just something about this that is eating away at me inside. I know I've made up my mind about it. It just seems that my mind is saying one thing while the rest of me is just a bit torn up over everything...

Why do things always have to seem so complicated??

THGL · 07-12-2004, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by bookerV
Why do things always have to seem so complicated??

Because it wouldn't be "life". It's such a cop-out, but true.

I think you need to keep busy. Probably the reason your stressing over it is because you've got some free time on your hands and your sitting there going over it in your head again and again and again.

I think the last thing you want to do is mess things up with this girl, so don't bring it up in conversation with her - she might feel pressured.

If you're feeling a little bummed, just pick up the phone and give her a call. The sound of her voice might soothe you for another week.

Averett · 07-12-2004, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by bookerV
Why do things always have to seem so complicated??

Because you're making it complicated

Just relax and see how things go. You'll see her soon, then you'll have another month to go before she's back. That's nothing at all.

Quote:

Originally posted by THGL
If you're feeling a little bummed, just pick up the phone and give her a call. The sound of her voice might soothe you for another week.

I agree, sometimes just a quick phone call can do wonders.

la petite moi · 07-12-2004, 07:51 AM

She's probably doing this so she'll be able to relax. I know that when my boyfriend is gone, I'm constantly worried about him and miss him. It would probably be a little different if I told him I wanted to be single for awhile- we would be more distant. She's not necessarily breaking it off, but she wants to be able to feel free. There are some girls like that -like my sister- who feel pressured if they don't get a little time off. They feel smothered, or so says my sis.

Like THGL said, just get busy.

And you know what, you just need to wait it out. If you really like this girl, you shouldn't have doubts. And if she really likes you, you shouldn't have any doubts she'll come back! Heh...

repeater · 07-12-2004, 08:00 AM

Everything Averett has said is pretty much spot on. I'm in a long distance relationship too right now. It's also only for the summer. Keep making plans for what you'll do when you're together again so that it makes it special. One thing I've noticed is that if you just suddenly get back together without much going on it can make it a bit awkward. If the girl is really as special as she seems to be then it'll be worth all the pain for the summer.

bookerV · 07-12-2004, 11:21 AM

Yeah I can sort of understand where she is coming from. I mean we did only know each other a short time in person. Getting to know someone more over the phone is not the same as knowing them in person. That is part of why she is so hesitent about things. It's just hard, I mean just a couple of weeks ago she was telling me how much she missed me and how much she wanted to get back to me. Now it's this whole thing about wanting to be alone for the rest of the summer. I just don't understand what sparked this...

It's tough to keep my mind off it. I try, but I just keep coming back to it. I know she says she needs the time to herself to do her own thing so that she can start fresh with me. It's just hard for me to take a step back like that. Typically I only want to move forward in a relationship. But I guess this is a step that is necessary for us to have a chance to move forward.

Only time will tell I guess. Waiting is definitely the hardest part. I want to talk to her, I want to understand better, but I want to give her some space. She used to call me all the time, as of late the calls had died off a bit and I was the one calling her... I take that as a bad sign, but maybe I'm making too much of it. Ugh, I hate this...

Oh well, in the mean time I am going to go out as much as I can and just have some fun and relax to get my mind off of it. I really do hope that the two of us can pick up where we left off at the beginning of the summer though...

st33lr4t · 07-12-2004, 11:26 AM

sounds like she was all set to spend some time by herself but you came into the picture and wrenched her whole idea. now she sounds torn between spending time alone and spending time with you.

if i were you i would just take things slow. keep the communication up and have a good time with her. you yourself need to keep yourself busy. you just came out of a relationship and now this new girl is helping to fill a void. just take things slow with one another and enjoy the time you guys spend together and see where it takes you.

bookerV · 07-12-2004, 04:00 PM

Well I talked to her again a little bit today. It was hard. We talked about things a bit. She really says that she needs this time alone to do her thing. It's really hard to go from so much to so little.

We talked about keeping the communication lines open. She agrees that it is important, BUT she says that we can not talk as much as we did or the same thing will happen. She is worried that if we keep talking like we do then she won't feel like she is getting her time to herself to do her thing. So our communication is going down. She really says that she believes that we should keep things open, but just not as much or else she won't get that time she needs. Ugh it is really hard.

She kept telling me that she wants to try things with me when she gets back, and that doing this is necessary for us to work out in the long run. When we are together things are incredible, and she knows that, she does think that us being physically together will make things right again. I guess I just have to wait and see. The first couple weeks of July just flew by, but now it seems as though time has come to a standstill and it is just eating me up...

On a brighter note, I have lots of good plans for the week lined up so that should be a lot of fun. My friends have started taking bets on how long I will last as single, since I haven't made it past 2 weeks since I was 17. This time I am determined though, as I think I have something worth waiting for. However, I am not going to hold back when I go out. I am going to have fun, just not get into anything serious. I guess like all things time will work this out...

st33lr4t · 07-12-2004, 04:49 PM

see all is well. just take it slow and see what happens. just dont base your decissions apon her and you will be fine.

07-12-2004, 07:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
bookerV Addict Location: Ontario, Canada	Really need some advice / opinions Well since relationship advice threads seem to be all the rage I will post my dilema and hopefully get some outside opinions on the matter. This is a bit difficult for me as I don't usually post about this kind of thing, but I really do feel a bit torn up inside and I need a wide variety of opinions. Ok here we go. About mid April I met this girl at a bar. We hit it off big time. She came home with me (which she has never done before) but we didn't have sex because she didn't want to do that on the first night. We had a great time, get along REALLY well. We had both just got out of a serious relationship about a month prior to this. So the timing was not ideal. What was even less ideal was the fact that she was going home for the summer. So for the next three weeks while she was here we saw each other a LOT. We talked every day, and saw each other almost every day. Spending the night with one another more often than not. Everything was fantastic between us. The problem looming though was her going away. She does not like the long distance thing, and I'm not a big fan of it either, it is very hard. She tells me that I have everything she looks for in a guy, and we are at basically the same place mentally when it comes to what we want and what we are ready for in a relationship (ie, we are both prepared for something serious if it comes to that). Ok, so now she goes away with us agreeing to talk on the phone when we can, and be single, but to pick up where we left off when she gets back. This is tough but it seems the best. She has been in relationships back to back for the last 4 years, and I've done the same for the last 6 years. So she really wanted a summer to be on her own and not worry about someone else. However she also said she had no intentions of dating anyone else. She just wanted to be on her own and do her own thing. It was something she felt she had to do. Ok, fast forward about a month. We had been talking almost every day. She says she wants to be with me and do the long distance thing. Ok, I ask her if she is sure, and it's what she wants to do. She says it is, all is good. We have booked a trip for the two of us to get away for a weekend when she gets back here. Now we fast forward to last night. Things had been going great. Up until about a week ago she started to be a little distant. So we have a talk. She says that the long distance thing isn't working for her and she feels that she didn't get her time to be on her own. She says that if she didn't take the time she needs to be on her own, she is almost sure that it would cause problems between us because she wouldn't feel right. She says that I am an incredible guy and she wants to be with me, but she doesn't want this to get in the way so she wants us to be single for the remainder of the summer. She says that if we stayed together there is a very good chance that she wouldn't have the time she needed and she would resent it. We did only know each other for a short time in person and therefore she wants us to start fresh when she gets back. Go on our trip and sort some stuff out and just make things right. As for now the long distance isn't working, given that we only knew each other for a short time beforehand, and because of that something is "missing". I asked her a LOT of questions about this. She says she is not interested in dating other guys since she is leaving where she is soon, and she wants to be with me. She doesn't sleep around so she doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. But while we were together if she was at a bar with her friends she said she would feel guilty about dancing with another guy, and that is the feeling that makes her feel like she didn't get the time she needed to be on her own. She knows that she is taking a risk, because I am going to be single here too. I have been put through a lot with this so far. She is a great girl. We get along fantastically. But I am not going to sit around pining over her while she is out partying, I am going to do my own thing to. So the plan is to be single for the rest of the summer, then when she gets back, we start up a new relationship, and just take things slow and really get to know each other. Should I be worried at all? Something just isn't sitting right with me. She tells me that if she didn't want to be with me she would just break up with me, but she wants it to work with me which is why she says she needs this time during the summer. I feel very confused. All I know at this point is that I am going to do some serious partying for the rest of the summer, but I just have this ache in my stomach. I really just want to be with her. Waiting for it is very hard. Ugh, am I nuts? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Sorry for the mega post, but it all just came out at once. I hate situations like this.... __________________ "That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy." Lionel Hutz

07-12-2004, 07:25 AM	#2 (permalink)
highthief Junkie Location: Ontario, Canada	Y'know, play it by ear. Maybe what she says is true, maybe not. One thing I've learned from relationships is that you can't control other people, only yourself. So do your thing, she'll do hers - if you still want each other at the end of the day then great. If not, well you haven't pinned your future on this girl anyway. __________________ Si vis pacem parabellum.

07-12-2004, 07:26 AM	#3 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Okay, first of all don't go out partying just because she is. Don't make it a "well if she can do it then so can I, damnit" situation. That's NOT GOOD. Second: Long distance relationships suck. They suck hard. Big time. That being said, I'm currently in one. Luckly it's not too bad. Just 6 1/2 hours by car. Could be worse. We do the best we can to make it work. It's early so it's still all hearts and flowers and I know that there will be rough spots ahead. Deal with that when it comes. She sounds genuine. It's not like she said "I need space, and we shouldn't talk." She wants to continue to talk to her. So do that. Email, chat, talk on the phone. Keep the lines of communication open. And do just that, communicate. Don't just talk. For a long distance relationship to work you have to trust the other person. Right now you don't trust her much. So you either have to work past that or just move on. How far away does she live? Can you easily get to eachother every so often? How long will it be until she gets back to your area? __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

07-12-2004, 07:26 AM	#4 (permalink)
THGL Psycho Location: Louisville, KY	Sounds to me that you've already made up your mind. Let her do her thing and you do yours. Keep your options open though, anything could happen (on both sides) before she gets back. Now go enjoy your summer! __________________ "The truth is merely an excuse for lack of imagination." - Garak

07-12-2004, 07:51 AM	#8 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	She's probably doing this so she'll be able to relax. I know that when my boyfriend is gone, I'm constantly worried about him and miss him. It would probably be a little different if I told him I wanted to be single for awhile- we would be more distant. She's not necessarily breaking it off, but she wants to be able to feel free. There are some girls like that -like my sister- who feel pressured if they don't get a little time off. They feel smothered, or so says my sis. Like THGL said, just get busy. And you know what, you just need to wait it out. If you really like this girl, you shouldn't have doubts. And if she really likes you, you shouldn't have any doubts she'll come back! Heh... Last edited by la petite moi; 07-12-2004 at 07:54 AM..

07-12-2004, 08:00 AM	#9 (permalink)
repeater Crazy Location: Chicago	Everything Averett has said is pretty much spot on. I'm in a long distance relationship too right now. It's also only for the summer. Keep making plans for what you'll do when you're together again so that it makes it special. One thing I've noticed is that if you just suddenly get back together without much going on it can make it a bit awkward. If the girl is really as special as she seems to be then it'll be worth all the pain for the summer. __________________ When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -Raoul Duke

07-12-2004, 11:21 AM	#10 (permalink)
bookerV Addict Location: Ontario, Canada	Yeah I can sort of understand where she is coming from. I mean we did only know each other a short time in person. Getting to know someone more over the phone is not the same as knowing them in person. That is part of why she is so hesitent about things. It's just hard, I mean just a couple of weeks ago she was telling me how much she missed me and how much she wanted to get back to me. Now it's this whole thing about wanting to be alone for the rest of the summer. I just don't understand what sparked this... It's tough to keep my mind off it. I try, but I just keep coming back to it. I know she says she needs the time to herself to do her own thing so that she can start fresh with me. It's just hard for me to take a step back like that. Typically I only want to move forward in a relationship. But I guess this is a step that is necessary for us to have a chance to move forward. Only time will tell I guess. Waiting is definitely the hardest part. I want to talk to her, I want to understand better, but I want to give her some space. She used to call me all the time, as of late the calls had died off a bit and I was the one calling her... I take that as a bad sign, but maybe I'm making too much of it. Ugh, I hate this... Oh well, in the mean time I am going to go out as much as I can and just have some fun and relax to get my mind off of it. I really do hope that the two of us can pick up where we left off at the beginning of the summer though... __________________ "That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy." Lionel Hutz

07-12-2004, 11:26 AM	#11 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	sounds like she was all set to spend some time by herself but you came into the picture and wrenched her whole idea. now she sounds torn between spending time alone and spending time with you. if i were you i would just take things slow. keep the communication up and have a good time with her. you yourself need to keep yourself busy. you just came out of a relationship and now this new girl is helping to fill a void. just take things slow with one another and enjoy the time you guys spend together and see where it takes you.

07-12-2004, 04:00 PM	#12 (permalink)
bookerV Addict Location: Ontario, Canada	Well I talked to her again a little bit today. It was hard. We talked about things a bit. She really says that she needs this time alone to do her thing. It's really hard to go from so much to so little. We talked about keeping the communication lines open. She agrees that it is important, BUT she says that we can not talk as much as we did or the same thing will happen. She is worried that if we keep talking like we do then she won't feel like she is getting her time to herself to do her thing. So our communication is going down. She really says that she believes that we should keep things open, but just not as much or else she won't get that time she needs. Ugh it is really hard. She kept telling me that she wants to try things with me when she gets back, and that doing this is necessary for us to work out in the long run. When we are together things are incredible, and she knows that, she does think that us being physically together will make things right again. I guess I just have to wait and see. The first couple weeks of July just flew by, but now it seems as though time has come to a standstill and it is just eating me up... On a brighter note, I have lots of good plans for the week lined up so that should be a lot of fun. My friends have started taking bets on how long I will last as single, since I haven't made it past 2 weeks since I was 17. This time I am determined though, as I think I have something worth waiting for. However, I am not going to hold back when I go out. I am going to have fun, just not get into anything serious. I guess like all things time will work this out... __________________ "That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy." Lionel Hutz

07-12-2004, 04:49 PM	#13 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	see all is well. just take it slow and see what happens. just dont base your decissions apon her and you will be fine.