zenmaster10665

Hi Guys...

I got lots of great help last time i needed from the TFP, so I thought I would try again...

Over the past 6 months, my girlfriend (of 2.5 years) and I have been arguing more and more...we have lived together for about 1.5 years and there have always been arguments in our relationship, however, recently they seem to be getting nastier, and over nothing...

My issue is this: This is very similar to the way a previous relationship of mine ended, and I am receiving a lot of pressure to get married/have kids/etc from my current partner. I love her more than anything in the world, but I dont want this to end in the same way as my last long-termer did....only this time, with a divorce, or even worse, kids involved.

Usually the really nasty arguments start after both of us have been out together with friends drinking, however, since we know now that this is the case, we have been able to repair that a bit...but it still seems somtimes that no matter what I do, we alwys end up in a fight. I have always told myself that once the bad times start outweighing the good, then it is time to end the relationship, and we have not made it to that point yet, and I want to make sure that we never do, but I am not sure how to stop getting in fights! (They are never violent, just angry and ending up in other rooms...so far we have never slept apart a full night due to an argument.)

My GF has recently gone back on the pill, and she doesnt have too many close friends where we currently live, as she moved down here and left her career to be with me....so she suggested that this might have some bearing on the fighting, but I am not sure....I find myself more and more wondering if we are truly compatible....I love this girl more than anyhting in the world and I dont want to end it with her...I just want to move on to the next stage of our reliationship, and I dont know exactly how....

Thanks for reading....and suggestions would be much appriciated

__________________
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.
He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."
-Kurt Vonnegut

dirtyrascal7

if you're constantly arguing about trivial, insignificant things then someone has some deeper issues that they're not being open and honest about. your line stating "it still seems somtimes that no matter what I do, we alwys end up in a fight." leads me to believe that it would be her with the issues.

the first step is to find out what these are and the best way to do that? ask her, of course. however, you need to approach her in a very nonthreatening, nonjudgemental way and reassure her that you only want to understand where she's coming from and what she's feeling. do not get defensive if she says something that seems like an attack... just calmly ask her to clarify or give an example or two.

there's a chance that she may not even be completely aware of what the problems are, but she likely has a general idea... so let her think outloud to you and mimic what she says so she can hear it herself. once you figure out what's bothering her... share what's bothering you. after everything is out in the open, work together to find some answers and solutions. if you both truly listened to each other, this step should be fairly easy. good luck.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

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maleficent

A few observations.. (and don't take this as criticism either - just speaking as female)

Based on the info you have given

Your girlfriend has given up a lot to be with you. She moved (leaving friends), left a job, all that has a lot to do with her identity. She's given up a lot of herself to be with you. What are giving up for her? Yes, you have relationship baggage, so do a lot of people, but for her to do all that for you, I'm not sure is a little frustrating an answer.

Birth control pills mess with hormones, they can make a person a little bit moodier, if she notices a big difference, have her talk to her doctor about a different dosage.

Moving in together with someone is also a big change, those little things that are cute and endearing when you're only visiting for the night, all of a sudden can get on your last freakin' nerve when you are faced with it 24 hours a day. It's the little things that can destroy a relationship.

Without alcohol involved, sit down and just talk, or, as some relationship books suggest, write down, the things that bother you. BUT you need to do it in a non-accustatory way.

ie You NEVER put the seat down. Instead, it should be about ME-- It bothers me, when the bathroom seat is left up. Rather than pointing the finger at each other.

Talk to her about what your concerns are, about YOU and what's holding you back from taking the relationship to th e next step, don't compare it to your last relationship, because all relationships are different. What do you want? Then find out what she wants?

__________________

absorbentishe

First of all, if you think she is the one you want to marry, then you need to get the issues resolved, and fast. That being said...

Seek help. If you talk to someone, you may be able to openly discuss the issues without getting upset, and getting all the issues out in the open. You won't regret talking with a third party if you want this to last.

yournamehere

Alcohol lessens inhibitions, so if you usually fight after drinking, it might be because you're holding back on how you feel most of the time. If that's the case, you've got a communication problem - you've both got to learn to resolve issues as they happen, instead of holding them in and letting them fester until the next night of drinking lets them all out at once.

Or, maybe one or both of are just asses when you drink. A lot of people are. Or maybe one or both of you drink too much, and that sets the other's mood for the night because it's at the root of your problems. Only you can answer that. How about not drinking for a couple months and see if it helps?

In any case, I wouldn't advise marriage until this is resolved - getting married certainly won't make it disappear.

Good luck.

__________________
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st33lr4t

i was just let go by my women and one of the issues we had was arguing over trivial things. for me it was other issues that i was holding in which brought on the arguing. you really need to communicate ALL your feelings and dont take anything personal because you do love her...remember that.

zenmaster10665

thanks everyone....these are great suggestions....

__________________
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.
He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."
-Kurt Vonnegut

Kazic

Its very difficult to fight with someone you care about. Its worse to loose sight of whats important to the both of you. Try to work things out using each others methods of understanding.
If she responds to less aggressive forms of communication and you prefer to sit down and hash things out once and for all then comprimise is important.
You both saw something in each other that made it worth being together. Now its time to do some work. For each other try to work things out for the right reasons not the wrong ones.

__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man
affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening
to repetitive electronic music."
-Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

Dawson70

Get a dog or a cat. I'm serious. If your house or apt allows pets, try that first. It worked for me. It takes the focus off of your relationship for a while. It also gives you and your woman a sense of "family" with out the marriage and child factor. Give it a whirl. What do ya have to loose?

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Yippie Ki Ya...

unoaman

And what was that NEXT stage again?

ManWithAPlan

i agree with maleficant... she has given up a lot for you. i really wouldn't have let her do it, but maybe you can cut your losses... what is her carreer? can she pick it up where she's at?

take her out to dinner and afterwards take her somewhere quiet and take her hand and calmly ask her to tell you what's on her mind and everything that's bothering her.

if you ASK her while she's in a GOOD MOOD, you might have some results.