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Old 04-29-2004, 02:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
long distance, internet relationships

Ok, cos there is this girl, who I have never met, and who lives in Cali, and I am in the UK, so you can see, that this could never work, this could never work out in any way that would be good, this would just create a false relationship, this would just be an illusion, this would just be a way for me to keeping hiding from taking the responsibility to go out and have a normal relationship with a girl.

But the thing is, I feel like I am do have some feelings for her, I really like talking to her, we have voice chatted and stuff on AIM, and I just, thinking about her makes me happy, and she acts likes she really cares about me, and she is really, I mean,,,, I just need someone to tell me it isnt going to work, that Im being stupid, I need some perspective I think, cos my logical thoughts keep getting overtaking by this feeling
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Old 04-29-2004, 02:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: EU
It may work, I know a couple who met over the internet (early adaptors) - she's American, he's European. She came over to meet him, then returned to the States to get her stuff and hurried back to her new found love. Soon after they were married (they divorced a few years later, what can I say that's life).

Point is that she is not at all planning to head back to the States, she found herself a new life, new friends, a new job etc - wasn't easy for her because of the language barrier (probably won't be a problem for you two), but she's settled in her new life now and loves her new found home. So it could work ... but a) it might not work out in the way you invision it right now and b) it won't be easy for the person that would eventually decide to take the leap into the great unknown looking for love.

You'll both have to think this trough and decide if there is the slightest possibility of you two becoming an item in RL, with this kind of deal you are setting yourself up not only for love, but at least one of you two for a whole new life and for both a difficult and unknown road ahead.
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Old 04-29-2004, 02:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You have to take into account what you would want to sacrifice for this to work. Would you be willing to not date anyone else, while holding a relationship with someone you've never met? Would you want to spend the cash it would take to visit her (or vice versa). Last, would you want to take the chance of meeting someone from the internet, when you really have no idea who they are?(Could be a crazy 55 year old man)

But hey, you never know, might get together with the love of your life. I say go for it.
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Old 04-29-2004, 03:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
don't ignore this-->
 
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Location: CA
for it to work as an actual relationship, you should start by meeting.

Realize the investment in time and money seeing each other would be. Now multiply this amount by the number of times you would see each other? Say you choose to move there (or vice versa). What kind of sacrifices would that entail?

That's a whole lot of work, sounds like you'd be going far out of your way for this girl. Get to know her better first.
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Old 04-29-2004, 08:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Run.Run Fast.Right after you smash your computer onto the floor kick it and set it on fire.
Fuck West virginia!! Fuck it all to hell!!!I wish every day that the mountains will crumble.
I never loved him,I fucking didnt,A year and a half well spent suffocating myself in false hope. but I'm fine... no.. really...

Okay..So I have no faith in anything I haven't seen... go meet her.


Okay..so don't ask me I am biased.


Blah blah blah somethings are made in heaven or something like that..

Pretend is sooooo much finer than reality sometimes,but reality works out well on rare ocaisions. Good luck.
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Old 04-29-2004, 09:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
Tilted
 
No. Just. No.
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Old 05-06-2004, 09:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: University of North Carolina at Greensboro
It hardly ever works. I was in a relationship with a girl I had met online for 4 months. We went through some rough times because of the distance. Finally we both decided we should just be friends and hang out as friends. She lives 3 hours from me.
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Old 05-06-2004, 10:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Edinburgh
If it were me I'd find someone I can actually see and touch. Perhaps I am shallow, but at this stage of my life I want someone I can actually <i>be</i> with. And I admit I'm being selfish here: I'm not prepared to spend thousands of dollars on travelling across the other side of the world just in case it might work out.

If she wants to come to you, by all means let her.

Think about it - are you cooler on the internet? With that time to think and not worry about your looks, and all that, do you think your online personality is any different to your real one? Obviously I don't know so I can't tell you, but if you think you're different, then you have to realize that if you meet her she's going to pick up on that. And vice versa. She might be totally different in real life, without the security of sitting behind a computer. She may or not be a 55 year old man, but she may be quite a bit different in real life than how she is on the Internet.

Think of the friends you know in real life that you also talk to online. Are they different? You might not be the same as you are online.

Last edited by Dorito2; 05-06-2004 at 10:43 PM..
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Old 05-07-2004, 01:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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SHES A MAN BABY
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Old 05-07-2004, 06:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
narcissist
 
Location: looking in a mirror
Hmm, six months ago, I would have spouted some stupid crap about "true love can get through everything" and then thought to myself "Gee, I'm glad my SO lives 45 minutes away"...

But since then, I lost the local girl, and ended up meeting someone online that lives about 850 miles away. At first, it was just a friend...someone with similar interests to chat with...

Slowly though, we both started to acknowledge that we had feelings for each other, which have recently become very strong. However, we both realize that the logistics of trying to maintain an actual relationship over that distance wouldn't be something that either of us desired.

The answer? For right now, we're still dating other people, and I'm making the trip about 2-3 times a month to go see her. We've just decided to see how things go for the next few months, and at the end of the summer, it's highly possible that I'm going to relocate to her general area.

We've decided that we're going to hold off on making anything "offical" or "exclusive" until we can maintain a more conventional (local) situation.

Good luck with whatever you choose.
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Old 05-08-2004, 10:19 AM   #11 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
Quote:
Originally posted by Dorito2
I

Think about it - are you cooler on the internet? With that time to think and not worry about your looks, and all that, do you think your online personality is any different to your real one? Obviously I don't know so I can't tell you, but if you think you're different, then you have to realize that if you meet her she's going to pick up on that. And vice versa. She might be totally different in real life, without the security of sitting behind a computer. She may or not be a 55 year old man, but she may be quite a bit different in real life than how she is on the Internet.
Yes, I am a lot cooler on the internet, which may come as a surprise to people here who wouldnt say I was very cool at all, but I am even less cool in real life.

And, kind of an opposite point to the one you made, is that she thinks I look like someone else (yeah, pretty low I know - I didnt show her a fake picture, but my whole internet persona was a totally different person and that is who she thinks I am, some random picture of some jeans model I posted as me... I mean, the whole person was a joke, just this kind of hyper arrogant guy I pretended to be...)

Anyway, that is the whole thing that even if I wanted it to, stops it going any further, cos I would have to admit who I really am and she would probably think I was a lying piece of shit (and quite rightly so)

I dont think she is a dude, but I take the point, on the basis I am not exactly who she thinks I am, I cant really assume she is who I think she is

And despite all this, the whole idea of "dating" someone who I cant actually ever meet is too pointless even for me.
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hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
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Old 05-08-2004, 10:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
It wasnt me
 
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Location: Scotland
Wow, I'd say letting her believe a wrong' photo is you kinda kills any possibility. Unless she's VERY understanding, and an actual female herself of course.

But seeing as youre already depressed about it all, whats to lose by escalating things a bit - talk to her on the phone?

My 2p worth..
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Old 05-08-2004, 11:04 AM   #13 (permalink)
Thats MR. Muffin Face now
 
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Location: Everywhere work sends me
I think the picture really sinks it. Relationships are about trust, and long distance relationships require ALOT of trust.. Either way, no matter what you choose, I'd let her know about the picture right away
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Old 05-08-2004, 11:08 AM   #14 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
I've talked to her a few times on voice chat on AIM (and hence me being pretty sure she is a girl and isnt 55)... but thats the whole problem, she thinks I am some black dude... it was just this dumb "handsome b wonderful" type persona I had on a certain site and I posted a picture of a model and claimed it was me and went on about how handsome I was all the time and so on...

there is NO CHANCE, I mean, I get this, and the stupid thing is, I know this, I understand this, and the longer I go on being friends with her the harder it gets to either find some face saving way to vanish, or just come out and say "look, this whole person you think I am is a lie, ok?" and have done with it.

I just wish I had been honest at the front, cos I do truly believe that she would have still liked me as much for who I am as opposed to character I acted out, and we now are at a stage where emotionally I have always been completely honest with her, and I do believe she see's the real me and likes the real me, but all the lies just mean there's no chance, and its harder and harder to bite the bullet and do the only sane thing.

Im too much of a pussy to fess up, so I guess I am just going to have to vanish somehow... Man, its so dumb, we have voice chatted, and sent each other little gifts and stuff, and she has been so supportive to me, and Im just a fucking liar and I spoiled it all right from the start by being dumb and living our some fake internet persona

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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

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Old 05-08-2004, 11:47 AM   #15 (permalink)
hovering in the distance
 
Location: the land of milk and honey
Quote:
Originally posted by Strange Famous
Yes, I am a lot cooler on the internet, which may come as a surprise to people here who wouldnt say I was very cool at all, but I am even less cool in real life.
that attitude alone makes women not want to date you. to be completly honest with you adam, i am so tired of watching you beat yourself up, day in day out. you are not the loser you think you are. so realize this fact and change the way you perceive yourself, the rest of the world will follow.
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Old 05-08-2004, 01:48 PM   #16 (permalink)
Is In Love
 
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Location: I'm workin' on it
Wow.. I'd be pretty pissed off if I spent a lot of time talking to somebody and he turned out to be putting on a fake persona the whole time. Let alone a fake picture.
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Old 05-08-2004, 02:10 PM   #17 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
Quote:
Originally posted by Averett
Wow.. I'd be pretty pissed off if I spent a lot of time talking to somebody and he turned out to be putting on a fake persona the whole time. Let alone a fake picture.
yes, I understand this... and every time we talk and I dont come clean just makes it worse and worse,,, I get that I am the one to blame here, I honestly never meant it, I didnt do it intentionally, but I have so there is no value in saying that, and I have carried on cos I was too pussy to admit I was lying at the start for at least 3 months.

So, yeah, I am a piece of shit, I know, I know... and I'm still too pussy to come out and say it to her, I just need to make it over and make a fresh start and not fuck up something that could mean something by being such a dick again.

Seriously, I want to end the whole thing in a way that wont hurt her at all if I can... I'm just too much of a pussy to step up and be honest, maybe I should, but I need to do it when Im sober tomorrow at least...

I think youre right... I dont really deserve to try and get out of it saving face, I should just be truthful and let her hate me, it will be over v quick and she can draw a certain righteousness from the fact I am a wanker that she never should have wasted any time on anyway...

I mean, seriously, I do understand that I am the big shit here...
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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

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Old 05-08-2004, 02:34 PM   #18 (permalink)
Is In Love
 
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Location: I'm workin' on it
You just need to step up to the plate and be honest with her about everthing. I'm sure she'll still be your friend after
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Old 05-08-2004, 02:53 PM   #19 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
Oh god, I just sent a 30 minute, 5 page email, telling her the truth... I know she will hate me, of course she will, but at least its over now, at last, its over now.

Oh shit... I really did... well, at least for once in my life I did something that wasnt totally selfish,,, at least that.
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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas
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Old 05-08-2004, 04:23 PM   #20 (permalink)
narcissist
 
Location: looking in a mirror
I commend you on finally telling her the truth.

Although I never lied about my personality, or posted fake pics, I was worried that the artsy colorized pics on my page would decieve the girl I've been talking to lately. So, to make sure she knew exactly what she was getting into, I started sending her more candid, un-edited photos (and she did the same)...however, when we met face-to-face, we both agreed that the other was significantly cuter in person.

So, yeah...it's a bad thing that you weren't honest, and it may bite you in the ass now that you've started to care for this girl, but it's also possible that you could (slowly and with much groveling) patch things up at least a little.
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Old 05-09-2004, 01:36 AM   #21 (permalink)
It wasnt me
 
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Location: Scotland
Well done, you did the right thing.. now its up to her to decide if she can see past the deception to the pretty decent guy (from what I can tell anyway) behind all that.

Let us know how things turn out, and good luck to you!
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Old 05-09-2004, 03:51 AM   #22 (permalink)
The Pusher
 
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Location: Edinburgh
Hey man, why are you being so hard on yourself? You made a mistake and then partly tried to skirt around it, and partly tried to fix it. Now you went ahead and fixed it all up. You told her the truth and it's what you should have done.

From what I can see you're being way too hard on yourself and you should have a lot more self esteem than this!

It's up to her to decide what she wants to do now. In the meantime you have to be one hundred per cent yourself and see how she takes that. You did the right thing by telling her the truth.
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Old 05-09-2004, 04:41 AM   #23 (permalink)
Thats MR. Muffin Face now
 
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Well done. Good luck with the rest. You're in our thoughts
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:11 AM   #24 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
On the whole I think I might have done better to email her when I was sober, but I guess I might have chickened out of I was... to be honest I am not expecting anything other than her not wanting anything to do with me, which is really what I deserve... but it had to stop and the longer the whole thing carried on I was just making it worse, for me anyway, and probably for her too.
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for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

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Old 05-09-2004, 06:16 AM   #25 (permalink)
Is In Love
 
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Location: I'm workin' on it
Yeah sober emails are generally better than drunken emails

Well, lesson learned. Be yourself and if people don't like it then you shouldn't want any sort of relationship with them anyway!
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