jRuntlets

Hey there everyone, I'm pretty new here but I've made a few posts. In any event I need some re-assurance that perhaps I'm not crazy, or if I am someone please just smack me. So here's the situation. (Sorry it's so long winded)

I'm your typical 18 year old college student. Aside from taking a full time schedule at school I train and compete dressage horses. I've worked long and hard to get to where I am in my training, which includes buying myself my dream horse (which I've spend YEARS saving for) which I will be training to the top levels of the sport, should she decide that's what she'd like to do.

Enter the boyfriend stage left. We met in one of our classes, and started dating shortly there after. We went out for coffee once and it was basically serious from that point. He's the kind of guy who's a lady’s man, and has been with several girls already this year (fuck buddies). I knew he was into the sex thing and made it clear from the start that a. I was a virgin. b. I wasn't ready for the responsibility of sex. And c. that I would need LOTS (more than he ended up giving me) of time before we had sex. He'd bring up sex and I'd remind him the reasons I wasn't ready and it'd drop. He'd bring up other girls he knew that he could have sex with, and I'd remind him that was rude. He kept the panties of girls that he'd had sex with, which offended me and I told him. Mind you, I'm not a total prude and he was getting other satisifaction without sex.

A few days before our two month mile stone, he brought up sex again. He said he'd been thinking about it a lot, and wanted to know a time frame. I said I couldn't give him a time frame because if I went longer than that it would be another issue. The main thing that got me was him saying "I've worked so hard to be at a point in my life where I'm sexually active, I'm not sure I can give that up." *How hard is it to get it up? He made it sound like he had to train to have sex!* This eventually led to the break up. He couldn't say flat out that he just wanted to have sex, so I said it for him and we parted ways.

I wish it would have been that easy but it's been almost two weeks and I finally have convinced him to stop calling me, crying, apologizing saying that sex doesn't matter. However, he still leaves flowers on my car, and makes group work difficult in class.

Am I crazy? It's hard for me to believe that A. he can care about me so much that he'll cry over me - and not just a little, but huge gut wrenching sobs. B. that he can bug me about sex for two months, and then when I dump him all of a sudden it's "I can forget about sex, it doesn't matter to me."

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Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

madcow

I'm pretty sure it's the whole forbidden fruit thing going on here. I'm pretty sure he's not really interested and just a player, and since you're not putting out that just makes you more desirable (until you do have sex, then he might just up and vanish). That's what I've gathered from what you wrote anyway. If you want a solid monogomous relationship with this guy, I don't think it's gonna happen at this point in his life.

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Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

Mephex

First of all, if he's pressuring you like that in the beginning. It's all he wants. It's a game, a conquest, if you will.

You are a great person, and the one thing you have, that you can give to the one you love, is yourself. You are right to value that, and you have fantastic will.

Are you really attracted to him ? Why ?

You know he's a ladies man, you know he's gotten what he's wanted from all these other girls. The fact that he keeps something is just tacky, and to make it worse, he tells you about it ? As if his accomplishments will make you swoon ? Geez.

Anyway, you're doing the right thing. Stay strong, class will be tough, but get through it. Ignore him, when necessary, laugh at him and tell him that there is absolutely no way you will be with him. Now that you've let him go, he's panicing, he's losing control, and he's not used to it.

Stay firm, and you will succeed. This man will not make you happy.

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He who is void of virtuous attachments in private life is, or very soon will be, void of all regard for his country.
There is seldom an instance of a man guilty of betraying his country, who had not before lost the feeling of moral obligations in his private connections.
-Samuel Adams

JStrider

well... once youve had sex... you want more... least thats how i am...

but for the right girl i could not have it... but it can also be a blessing... another way to show your feelings for someone...

now for your situation... i think if you were to get back together with him the sex issue would come up... definently not immediatly but after a while he would bring it up again...

least thats what i think...

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

Prince

Sounds like bad news to me. What exactly were you getting out of this relationship in the first place? Great conversation?

Stand tall, and stick to your values. He's just another player in a long line to get in ANYbody's pants.

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Who is John Galt?

kel

A. You don't want to be with this guy. period. You can and will do better. Forget/ignore him and move on.

B. When you meet the right person you will be dying to have sex (make love actually) with them.

C. Your ready for sex when your willing to be responsible for the consequences. You don't have to be a virgin for sex to be special. The first time with every person is special. There is no reason you should wait as long as you practice safely.

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"It better be funny"

monkeysugar

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like the guy's not worth worrying about.

*onto the personal opinion, fueled by four years of seeing sweet young girls duped into doing things they'll regret later.*

If you have doubts, you're probably not ready to have sex, and that is ok.
You should NEVER feel pressured to have sex, period, It should be something that you want. If it is not something you feel comfortable doing, and he keeps pressuring you, he is not respecting you.

Telling you about the girls he could be having sex with is a pretty sleazy thing to do. More than likely, he's trying to make you feel lucky to be with him, and feel guilty that you are not pleasing him, which leads to a personal conquest: Your Virginity. If he's caught up on who he could be having sex with, he's not thinking of you.

As far as the crying goes, I'd say it's probably an act. He's trying to make you feel like he really really cares about you (which in his defense, he might, but he sounds like a complete ass so I kind of doubt it) in the hopes that you will get back together with him and give it up.

I think you did the right thing by breaking it off with him. Through my years at school, I've had countless lady friends in your situation who weren't smart enough to break it off, and they all ended up regretting it. Stick to your values, listen to your heart, and when the time is right, you will know it.

The bottom line of the game he is playing is as follows: He wants you to feel like you need him, like you can't do better, and you should feel fortunate and greatful to be with him. This is complete and utter bullshit. Someone who tries to make you feel this way can easily turn into a control freak, which is not a good situation to be in.

Sorry if I wrote too much or too bluntly. I absolutely despise it when people try to take advantage of others in this way, and I have seen it happen with more people I care about than I would like to think of. Good luck with everything. It sounds like you are a sweet young woman and deserve to find that "special someone."

p.s. For your own sake, if you drink, please don't go out drinking with this guy. He sounds like a date rapist waiting to happen.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

jay-g

Forsaken

He couldn't handle 2 months? I am in a similar situation I had been sexualy active before meeting my girlfriend and she was a virgin. After discussing the situation we decided that it was her call, and that when she was ready it would happen. She wants to only have sex with who she will end up married to. Well its been 2 years and even though we both feel like mariage is in our future, we still have not had actual intercourse. I respect her feelings on the subject and I have never pushed the issue. Its her body so its her call.

If he couldn't handle 2 months and respect your decision then you are better off without him. Wait for the right guy who will respect you enough to wait until you are ready.

Eugeni

I also think you are better off this relationship but the problem here is you are in the same class and have to coexist and he is likely to persist. So stay strong and do like monkeysugar says: "if you drink, please don't go out drinking with this guy. He sounds like a date rapist waiting to happen."

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titular

raeanna74

Congrats to you for being firm about where you stand. You should never have to do anything you aren't completely comfortable with.

If he's making thing hard for you in class you could possibly speak to the teacher, explain you had a relationship with him and that he won't let up. They could probably help you avoid problems in class at least.

Ignore him all you can. Don't even take the flowers he leaves you you. Leave them. He'll get the message eventually.

You don't need this. He's a player. He doesn't have your best interest at heart and has no respect for you. Good for you for seeing it in time.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Averett

Wow, this guy sounds like a complete asshole. Not all guys are like this. Like raeanna said, ignore every form of contact he makes towards you.

It sounds like you've got a really good head on your shoulders. I wish I had the discipline/money to do what you're doing with dressage horses. It must be amazing. As you know dealing with horses at top levels takes up a lot of time. This guy doesn't deserve any of it.

You'll find somebody who is a better match for you. Who will respect your decision to wait. And when you're ready, you'll know. And it won't be because some asshole pressures you.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

ironchef82

You made the right decision. I hope you feel the same way too, even if the jerk is pressuring you/begging you to get back together and making things awkward. Just wait it out and he'll stop bothering you, I hope.

I'm glad you didn't wind up doing something that you would have regretted. There will be better guys in your future, who will actually respect your beliefs, and that will make things all the better.

rmarshall

I may be wrong, but it sounded to me like you were already having sex. You said:

Oral sex IS sex! Manual sex IS sex! What you weren't doing is "fucking"! I can understand that that is a whole different thing.

You also said you weren't ready for the responsibity of sex, which is worrying about pregnancy, birth control, etc. I think it's marvelous that you are strong enough to say "no". You're still very young and should focus on your goals. You've got lots of time.

Perhaps with another, more loving guy you will change your mind. That guy sounded like all he wanted another notch in his belt.

I wouldn't recommend waiting until you're ready for marriage. Hell, I wouldn't recommend marriage until you're at least forty!

amge

Just tell this guy off.

If he can not respect your choice on when you are ready to have sex, then he is definately not the one that will make that special event in your life.

I'm sure when the time is right for you, you want that person to be someone who respects you, and loves you back as much as you do. Don't waste your first sexual experience with this guy, I think that would be a bigger regret than not giving him a second chance.

skier

If you live in alberta, and are the girl I think you are, I'd like to tell you way to go! and that sex should be a intimate sharing of love between two people. You totally did the right thing denying him. It was selfish of him to make those kinds of demands when you were not ready.

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skysooner

This guy is a total jerk/manipulator. You absolutely want nothing to do with him. Anybody that would say the things he said is only after the conquest and not the relationship. Quick history here. My parents were swingers. I was exposed to sex early and have a very open mind about it. I had 7 or 8 partners while still in high school and ended up with over 50 by the end of college. I had done threesomes mfm and fmf. I had messed around with girls up to 10 years older than me, etc. When I met my wife, she was almost the same as you except she was 21 and still a virgin. After the 2nd date, I knew I had met the one. We got married roughly a year after we had met. I waited for her the entire time while still having all of this sexual history. If you hold those values, don't give them up to some player. You will only regret it.

jRuntlets

Thanks so much everyone! I don't feel like a total lunatic. I have my values and I stand by them. For the few of you that mentioned it, I will have sex when I find the right person... but I'm not a "wait until marriage" type.

It's going to be difficult with him. The instructor has already spoken with him about his behavior. She didn't know we were dating and had broken up - she just noted that he was being more obnoxious than usual and put a stop to it. He called last night and I more or less told him I was busy and hung up. I can be strong damnit!

Thanks so much again!

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Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

skysooner

Absolutely nothing wrong with having sex before marriage, but as you said, it has to be the right person or at least a right now person since it is so hard to be completely sure. This guy you can be sure was nothing but bad news.

txlovely

I second that - make him move on. If Nick Lachey could wait for dummy Jessica Simpson, some nice smart man will be willing to wait for an intelligent, driven girl like you to be ready! Spend your time on what's important to you now: your horse and your studies.

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Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

MSD

If he calls again, don't just tell him you're busy, tell him to go fuck himself, because you won't.

I won't condemn people who are just out to get sex, but they need to understand that not everybody is. When they refuse to accept that, they're just assholes.

oberon

jRuntlets, you sound exactly like me. Except I'm male and 22. Good to know other people who can't be rushed.

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"There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

HockeyGuy

I've been in the same boat as well, except i'm a 'wait for marriage guy.' An ex (this is act. part of the reason why) tried to get me to have sex on NUMEROUS occations, and fortunatly (upon looking back on it) i kept to saying no! Now i've found an unbelievable girl, and even though not a V herself she respects me and my beliefs which is fantastic!
Good on you, and good luck. From my past experience I think that you should try and let this go and move on. I second the 'it's good to hear there are othes who can't be rushed!'
-T

Johnny Rotten

I personally think it's a mistake to tell a guy, especially that kind of guy, that you're a virgin, because men, being the pigs that we are, will try that much harder. And any guy who keeps women's underwear as trophies and thinks it's a good idea to tell this to his next conquest, is a tool, IMO. Maybe this will teach him the value of not being a creep, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Just keep your distance with him, because if you give him an inch at this point, he'll try to take a mile because of all those pent-up emotions. The tears he sheds are of guilt and self-pity, not of realization of the shallowness of his hornball ineptitude.

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qtpye4u84

he probably keeps the under wear to show of to his guy buddys to brag and then drag your name in the mud.
I am glad you did not do any thing I am happy for you!!!!!!

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Tholo

He definately sounds like a creep.

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theusername

Not all men are creeps, but a lot are.

A guy who collects the panties of girls he has sex with is a dick and a girl like you deserves more.

I dont agree with Johnny. I believe its fine to tell a guy your a virgin and see how he reacts. If he respects your lifestyle then hes a possible keeper, if he pushes for sex consistently knowing your beliefs then it's time to dump the jerk.

LpClint

I have to agree with everyone else here.. Being friends with quite a few guys who sound like your ex bf, Mephex is probably right.. he was denied the first time, so that raises the stakes, increases the challenge. I've got a friend who has actually used the word "conquest" if that tells you anything. If u knew the guy was/is a player, why did you like him in the first place? If you really do like this guy, i'd be very very careful..

analog

1. he's a a jerkoff, forget about him
2. You did the right thing- and bravo.
3. He only wants to try and fuck you. See #1.

Harshaw

Yeah, thats pretty much what I was thinking. God, 2 months seems like a decent amount of shake-down time to make sure the relationship is going to last. Let him be a player with someone else.

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This too shall pass.

Tuffy_McGee

A guy has no right to pressure you for sex.
Did you sit down and talk about it?
I know sometimes younger couples are too caught up in the moment (this can be a good thing!)
You don't owe him anything so don't let him pressure you at all.
If fact, If I were you I would not give him sex and you shouldnt' waste your time with him.

Tuffy has spoken.

greyeyes

Honestly speaking, sex can be extremely important to some people and he could have been bugging you about it because it was important to him. He might have never even thought about the consequences of speaking of it too often with you. last little piece of advice: if he is leaving flowers for you in your car and things like this I doubt that he is a player.

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Tuffy_McGee

That's funny. Even if sex is important to him, he still has no right to her body.
Also, how can you read into the meaning of flowers?
man thinking: I give woman flowers, she's happy and think's it's sweet. Then she gives me that ass that's "extremely important" to me.

Hmm sex is expremely important to some people? That doesn't mean that YOU owe them sex.

Harshaw

Because players would never use gifts to get sex out of girls....


Honestly, I think he sees you as a conquest. He can have his way with a lot of girls, but not with you and it drives him bat-shit. Ignore him, he will go away sooner or later.

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This too shall pass.

Eugeni

greyeyes, what about the fact that he keeps women's underwear? That hasn't a good side that anyone could see as a sweet thing, has it?

But he seems somewhat naive to tell her about it. That I don't understand.

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titular

Averett

Yeah no shit

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.