tiberry

Not sure if this is the right forum, but nothing else seemed to fit. No need to get into details yet - but my girlfriend of nearly 3 years and I had a fight this weekend. Well, not really a fight - she found some old e-mails from another women whom I'd had a 'fling' with not too long ago. We'd already been through that once and I thought we'd (she'd) gotten past that...I guess not. Maybe the 'details' in the e-mail are what got to her, I'm not sure.

Anyway, she decided that she was leaving (oh yea, we've lived together for almost 2 1/2 years). Of course I asked her not to go, that we could work through this, etc. Then she asked me with tears in her eyes "Please, just let me go."

Soooooo....I'm sitting here typing this now, she's spent most of the day packing her stuff. We've kind of talked and played around with eachother, almost ignoring what was going on. She just walked out the door.

I expected to be all broken up about it, but I'm really not. You think this is because she "asked" me to let her go or because I just know its probably the right thing? I'm sure most of you will probably want more information, that's fine - I'll give it when asked. I'm just interested right now in everyone's first impression.

Good thing the TFP is here, or I'd have no one to talk to right now!

tehblaed

I'm not going to make any judgments on your relationship until you give me some details as to why you are questioning whether or not you still love her.

Oops.

tiberry

I suppose I'm questioning the way I'm feeling right now...shouldn't I feel sad, lonely, broken-hearted, something? I mean I really don't...

Truth be told, I think we've been just 'coasting' for a long time. We really don't do much together anymore, we're just like old married people. Sure - I'm glad she's here, its nice to have someone around, but we don't have that 'thing' anymore.

Besides that - she's 7 years younger that me and she's never been married. I've been married twice already, and I'm not even close to being interested in getting married again. Of course this is a problem for her - more and more lately. She really wants to get married, and I can't say that I blame her. Bottom line is I'm just not ready, and am not going to commit right now.

I do love her...she's everything- smart, pretty, funny, etc...I just thought it would be a different feeling if we ever broke up.

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Tholo

I would imagine its much the same as falling into love, but I feel like I'm just chiming in for the sake of it. My life experience limits me especially for your situation.

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Skettios

This really needs to be moved to the Tilted Sexuality forum.

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Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

Prince

Being in love with someone and loving them do not always go hand to hand.

Seems to me that while you may have been with her for this long out of habit more than anything, to her it was possibly about way more than that. Ask yourself how you would have felt to find out she had had a fling with someone very recently? This isn't to turn the table, this is just me wanting to know whether that would have upset you, or whether you had already let go of the relationship a good while ago.

In the end it seems as though you two are at different stages in your lives. You've already been married twice and not looking to get married again for the time being, and her....well, she's not here to speak for herself but based on what you have said she seems to have had something invested in this.

Probably for the best either way.

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motdakasha

It sounds to me like you decided the relationship wasn't working for you when you had your "fling."

The best way to know if you still love someone is, once limerence has passed, ask yourself if you have all the components of "healthy" romantic love, which according to one theory (Sternberg) is commitment, intimacy, and passion. Your story lacks commitment, so I'm not surprised you're unaffected by her leaving. It sounds like you already had one foot out the door.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Oh, and P.S. You sound like you're starting to walk down the path of serial monogamy.

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shoe

Oh damn.. this is exactly how i felt for the last few months and just recently it stopped. Nonetheless im still confused about it as i really thought that i was in love. Arghh..this doesnt simplify things.

Sorry for changing subjects but i was just enlightened..

doncalypso

I don't think love is something you "fall into" in the first place because if it were the case no couple would last as long as you did with your girlfriend.

What I think happened is that the relationship slowly started to deteriorate, but this decay happenned so slowly that neither of you realized it until it was too late.

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WarWagon

I think that you're not upset, because deep down you knew that it was going to happen, and that it was the right thing to do. Same thing happened to me after 2 years, 3 months, only I was the one to initiate it.

Rodney

I don't know much about your relationship, but I left a similar relationship and neither of us was especially broken up. We had been coasting, as somebody else said. The signs are usually there: not as much to talk about anymore, not as interested in doing things together, diverging interests with no great effort made by either side to bridge the gap. Nothing was horrible or anything, so it was easier to stay together than to move apart. But that was it; in the end, the relationship no longer about anything but convenience, and eventually we both figured out that this wasn't enough for the long haul. Was it like that for you?

tiberry

Didn't want to abandon this thread - so here's an update.

We're back together! And yes, Rodney - you described our situation perfectly.

We both kind of realized this, and took "great effort" to put something into the relationship, and its taken a turn for the best. I suppose love IS a verb after all. You have to put something into it, to get something out of it. All I know is that I'm happy when I'm with her.

Maybe not in the same way as with the person I had the 'fling' with - but happy nonetheless...

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My life's work is to bridge the gap between that which is perceived by the mind and that which is quantifiable by words and numbers.

Eugeni

Good to know!

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titular

2kids1headache

I love when things get resolved happily.

I would've suggested that you take time to think about the relationship and the person you had it with, then decide whether or not you were going to put the extra effort in. Sounds like you did just that. Good work.

skysooner

Good for you.

qtpye4u84

If i were you just delete the e mail or put them in a hidden folder, I treaten to leave my man too, some women i know treaten to leave or leave for a while until there man tells them not to leave or that they miss them becuase we want attention, to bad my man does not care if i want to leave he just lets me he says it my life and wants me to be happy but i really want him to stop me cause then that will prove to me that he really does love me,

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MSD

If you were willing to put effort into getting back together, you're still in love. If you can get over minor things, and some major things and still want to be together, it's still there.