Some (sexual) relationship problems.

[Arsenic7]

So after a year of somewhat sustained sexual activity I think I'm getting the technique portion of the act down. My problem recently has been that my girlfriend doesn't really have the highest libido in the world. She enjoys sex but a lot of times when one of us tries to initiate the situation she will end up not so much in the mood leaving us both frustrated.

We've gotten a little better about that but sometimes now it seems like we hardly do anything sexual. I generally want it more than she does and though it's not a big deal for me to masturbate or something I sometimes feel like she just doesn't have any desire to please me outside of our once a week great sex session. Hand and blow jobs are generally out of the question for her unless it's foreplay for something bigger so no cumming is allowed. I don't think she's let me cum from a blowjob for like....11 months or so.

I guess my question confusion is this.

I don't want her to do anything she's uncomfortable with but at the same time it hurts me to think that she simply doesn't WANT to please me in some ways and, frankly, I don't want to have to screw her every time we're sexual. There are other things I'd like to experiment with.

Overall, she IS just getting to know herself sexually, though slowly. She doesn't masturbate...well, she says she has but that she doesn't get any pleasure out of it. On top of this, she has never had an orgasm without the help of a vibrator (which we use for foreplay and during sex, but not alone usually.)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you solve it? Currently I'm being optimistic and hoping we can talk it out calmly but she is a very emotional person. A few times she says she has also let me do things to her when she didn't really want it or when it hurt. (both times I stopped as soon as I realized but just thinking about it makes me feel bad.)

Usually we can talk our differences out but I'm afraid in this case if we don't do something more than just talk it will never get solved.

She can be difficult, but I love her. I guess I'm looking for words of encouragement here and I know I won't necessarily get them as most of you are sexually open people and it's hard for you to understand those who are struggling with their own sexuality.

So should I just suck it in and sneak off to the bathroom and jack off when I'm feeling antsy and can't sleep at night? What should I do? She said she'd feel uncomfortable if she woke up to me masturbating.

I'm confused. Sorry for the long post.

[Manic_Skafe]

How old are you two? If you two are grown adults then the fact that she has yet to explore herself sexually seems a bit weird - there's nothing wrong with that but it seems a bit unusual. However, the fact that you had sex that caused her pain and she didn't do anything to stop you is a very big red flag to me.

I've been in this same situation before and the person I was with was that way because of issues that had happened when she was a child and relationships she had gotten herself into. I'm not saying this is the case but it sounds to me like there could be some water under the bridge (whatever that expression means). In any case, you two need to talk this out fully and if she can't do that comfortably with you then I'd suggest some therapy.

Good luck.

[Arsenic7]

She is 19 I am 21. Therapy is difficult precisely because we are so young and college students.

She actually has been in more sexual relationships than me. She is almost my first (I only had sex one other time before that and she wasn't a girlfriend) and she has had two sex partners that lasted more than a year along with several guys she has "teased." She's had some odd things happen to her but has no memories of being abused as a child or anything. She says she has some amnesia due to a bad car accident which I can believe but sometimes she blows things out of proportion in these regards. She's a worry wart and a few times when we talked about our sexual problems she mentioned that she wondered if she was abused and couldn't remember it (she grew up not really knowing her father well at all, but he was around when she was very young.)

Edit: she has some small trust issues because both her long term relationships ended in cheating. Sometimes she compares me to them which is annoying but I try to understand that they were a large part of her life. Probably the most hurtful thing recently is that when she is trying to get into it and can't she has a tendency to either blame or insult me someway, like saying "if only you were bigger" (my size is perfectly fine, trust me) or snapping at me. Obviously this does little to help ME get in the mood.

[Rubyee]

Tough situation to give advice on.

I will say this. Sex is an important part of a relationship, though not the most important part. If you are looking for a long term, possble marrige type relationship, then you need to be with someone that you can be comfortable with sexually and mentally. I think that you should lay it all out on the line for her. Tell her that you love her, but that you can't be with someone that shows little interest in your sexual relationship. You need to find someone that is on your level. There may be something that is bothering her that can easily be solved. Also, the two of you may be able to find a middle ground. It may sound corny, but once a week, set up a night where one of you has to try something new.

The bottom line is that you need to talk to her and see where she stands. It may be something that can be worked on between the two of you, or it may not. But, until you get to the root of the problem, you cannot make a fair decision.

I know that it isn't the easiest thing to discuss, but get it off your chest. I wish you luck!

[ibis]

I'm not a psychologist, but I listen to one on the radio. [come on I had to throw in a semi-Simpsons quote].

But seriousally, I've listened to Love-line so often that this sounds really familiar. Every single time I've heard "I don't have any memories of being abused" or "I don't think I was abused" the girl usually was. If there's uncertinty about the issue it, atleast from what I've observed, the person has been abused.

Don't the idea that she was possibally abused freak you out. I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused when I was a child. It was fucked up, but you know... I don't think of it like that. I am who I am because of it and I've used my experiences to help others. I'm now involved in mentoring and Big Brothers, Big Sisters.

I say this not to stroke my ego, but to show you people that have been through shit are not damaged goods. Your GF is still the same person you've fallen in love with.

If you really wish to help her, back off the sex for a while. I know it's fucking hard, I dated a girl for 2 years w/o geting any at all because of her religious beliefs (which I respect). Encourage her to see a new psychologist if she feels her current one isn't helping (I would guess she's allready seeing one, right?).

Above all, don't push sex (unless there's times she's into this [in a safe enviorment of course ]) and don't make her feel like their's something wrong with her because her labido isn't up-to-par with yours.

[ibis]

Originally posted by Arsenic7
Edit: she has some small trust issues because both her long term relationships ended in cheating. Sometimes she compares me to them which is annoying but I try to understand that they were a large part of her life. Probably the most hurtful thing recently is that when she is trying to get into it and can't she has a tendency to either blame or insult me someway, like saying "if only you were bigger" (my size is perfectly fine, trust me) or snapping at me. Obviously this does little to help ME get in the mood.

Don't let this sort of thing slide... you must confront her when she says things like this.

[Arsenic7]

ibis...she's not seeing a psychologist and I am not afraid of any past abuse. The thing that puts that claim on edge though is that she is actually really interested in things like past life regression and hypnosis and the tarrot and crap. Not necessarily a believer but interested and so she presents these obsurd possibilities to me all the time.

And she wants a healthy sex life as much as I do...she just never had an interest in learning more about sexuality or sex related problems like I had so doesn't know how to deal with it.

[Rand007]

Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. If you're unable to be compatible it will be a continual source of conflict for you. It's possible that you two can be very compatible, but it sounds like she needs to explore her sexuality so more. You'll need to be patient, caring, and show her she can trust you, if she's willing to open up sexually. It's difficult for many people to explore their sexuality outside a committed and very safe relationship. That will be difficult to provide since you're so young. Also since you're both pretty young I wouldn't expect her to be a sex goddess nor you a sex god. It may take years to open up that way. Communicate your fears be honest and loving about it. Don't allow yourself to stay in the relationship if you fear you'll be disatisfied enough to cheat on her. If you feel that may be the case end it before you hurt her in that way.

[Prince]

Wow. Sounds just like my wife and I, except for the orgasm part. Damn. I feel for ya, man. I really, really do.

[Arsenic7]

Originally posted by Prince
Wow. Sounds just like my wife and I, except for the orgasm part. Damn. I feel for ya, man. I really, really do.

Well, I wouldn't mind hearing about it, if you want to share. You're married so I assume you've known eachother for longer than we have.

I'm not selfish with my threads

[Prince]

Originally posted by Arsenic7
Well, I wouldn't mind hearing about it, if you want to share. You're married so I assume you've known eachother for longer than we have.

Not necessarily that much longer. We've only been married for a year...

Instead of entirely jacking your thread, I'll post a link or two to threads I've made about my situation. I don't expect you to reply to them or anything, but hopefully you'll feel like you're not alone with this "issue".

...wow. I didn't realize I had started three threads just about whining about my sex life...

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=51825
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=57512
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=61659

Let's hope things pick up for us soon, huh...

[ibis]

Originally posted by Arsenic7
ibis...she's not seeing a psychologist and I am not afraid of any past abuse.

Good I had a feeling you'd feel this way. Afterall, if you were just in it for the sex you'd have broken it off a long time ago. I respect that.

Originally posted by Arsenic7
The thing that puts that claim on edge though is...

I'm not sure I know what you mean by this... could you further explain? Do you mean the claim she's not seeing a psychologist ? Sorry, I get a little blonde at times

Originally posted by Arsenic7
And she wants a healthy sex life as much as I do...she just never had an interest in learning more about sexuality or sex related problems like I had so doesn't know how to deal with it.

Yeah, some people are just like that. You and your GF sound alot like me and my first SO. I have a deep desire to learn and expermite with sex... she simply didn't. That't not *the* reason we broke up... but in the back of my mind I know it played a larger part than I realized at the time.

I do agree with what's been said about sexual compatibility.

[Arsenic7]

Hmmm...prince, after reading your threads our situation does seem somewhat similar, particularly concerning the "not getting sex makes me feel like crap" idea.

And it's not just that I'm not getting any....I have been away from her from months at a time and had no problem just talking on the phone. It's only when she's around and I STILL don't get any that I get irritable and depressed.

I think at the root of the problem is my (probably mistaken) belief that if she really found me attractive she would want it more often, or at least get turned on when the opportunity to have great sex presented itself.

I try to do romantic things for her but it seems those don't work. It all depends on when she feels like it. For example, the problem reached it's peak half a month ago on our one year anniversery. I went to visit her in her hometown, bought her gifts, we rented a hotel room to give us some privacy.

We took a shower and I gave her a massage and went down on her for a while.....while she watched tv.....a documentary on liposuction and gastric bipasses non the less and refused to turn it off because it was "too early" to have sex. After the show was over she tried to get me to make a pass at her but ended up getting frustrated and snapped at me for not turning her on. It was crazy. Later that night she tried to give herself to me but I stopped her...too late though, the damage was done.

It's been ok recently...we've had some good sex but I know the problem will reapear.

Maybe it's just the stress in our lives.

[Jim Kata]

I don't think its them finding us unattractive, but maybe they are feeling unattractive themselves. I dunno everyone is different. Either way it sucks and I hate it.

[Prince]

Originally posted by Arsenic7
And it's not just that I'm not getting any....I have been away from her from months at a time and had no problem just talking on the phone. It's only when she's around and I STILL don't get any that I get irritable and depressed.

I think at the root of the problem is my (probably mistaken) belief that if she really found me attractive she would want it more often, or at least get turned on when the opportunity to have great sex presented itself.

Yup. That's how it often makes me feel. It's not the "not getting any", really, that bothers me...it's the "not getting any when I am around the woman I love and desire" that ticks me off and makes me feel undesireable. I think partly this is because men are visually oriented sex maniacs. We have to like what we see in order for us to want to fuck it. And because a man's sex drive is built differently than a woman's, he can want sex even if his life outside the bedroom is quite hectic. For a woman, it's different, methinks... It seems that all other areas of their lives need to be tip top for them to be able to get in the mood.

I try to do romantic things for her but it seems those don't work. It all depends on when she feels like it. For example, the problem reached it's peak half a month ago on our one year anniversery. I went to visit her in her hometown, bought her gifts, we rented a hotel room to give us some privacy.

We took a shower and I gave her a massage and went down on her for a while.....while she watched tv.....a documentary on liposuction and gastric bipasses non the less and refused to turn it off because it was "too early" to have sex. After the show was over she tried to get me to make a pass at her but ended up getting frustrated and snapped at me for not turning her on. It was crazy. Later that night she tried to give herself to me but I stopped her...too late though, the damage was done.

Man... That's pretty bad. "Too early" to have sex? She must get pretty wiped out after sex, I presume. I dunno, if that happened to me as you described it, I probably wouldn't want to even bother trying to make a pass anymore. Then again that pretty much IS the case with me anyway. I do still make a pass at her almost daily, just to get the "I'm tired/I've to study/I've to play Nintendo/I don't feel good" excuse.

[raeanna74]

One thing that just popped into my head and I can't really back it up but I'll through it out there anyway, is - Could she be sabotoging the relationship (unconsiously) because she's afraid of something?? If she's had TWO prior relationships that ended the same way... I dunno... if she was withholding sex from those guys, making remarks such as you mentioned, and in general making those guys feel inadequant, well that's one reason a person will seek an outside relationship and cheat. It could be she's sabotoging her relationships because of something else in her head or past that's making her afraid of going deeper in the relationship.

Also - you mentioned that she left the TV on and said it was too early for sex that night. Did she tell you that before you gave her the massage and then went down on her or after?? If it was before, if that was me, it would be a message to you that I didn't WANT sex. Period. If you continued to pursue sexual recreation even if you said you weren't interested in sex and ok with just playing, I would still see it as a means to an end and resent it.

Also, her comments, and slapping you, those reactions raise some red flags. She's got something that's making her resent sex and you as a result. Until you both figure that out and she admits it you won't get anywhere. Don't let those kind of things slide as ibis said. When she says something like that or slaps you or something else just stop, immediately. I'm sure that could be hard if you're all horned up but it's what will help bring her attention to what she's doing that needs to stop. Stop what your doing, completely, and address what she did. Just ask "Why do you say that?" Or "What did you do that for?" Wait for a response. Then express how it makes you feel personally. Say it in such a way that it's non- accusatory. Such as "I FEEL like I'm inadequate when you do that." or "I'm AFRAID that I've done something to upset you. What do I need to do to change." Most likely it's not something you did but it opens up the discussion. If she can't come up with something that you need to change she may admit that she's upset and doesn't know why or that she's afraid of something. Then you can delve deeper. It's times like that when you can use the opportunity to confront her fears and solve this problem.

Hypnosis and such aren't necessary to find out what's making her afraid. A down to earth dialogue with her where there's completely communication, openness, and trust will help her find her fears better than that. A counselor at your college (you said you're students) might be able to assist you both in at least finding things to begin the discussion.

A couple years ago hubby and I had a lot of trust issues. I was also on the pill and my libido was lower. Those two things combined made me want practically NO sex. Every time hubby approached me with a backrub or something else it seemed like he just wanted sex. It made me feel like a toy instead of special. I felt pushed into sex. Since we opened up and started talking about things and since he's been willing to give me space when I ask for it and WITHOUT pouting because he didn't get sex, I've felt more like having sex. The more he pushed the more I didn't want it. Now I feel like I'm free to have sex when I really WANT to. So I WANT to much more.

When she's acting detached (such as leaving the TV on) then take it as a clue that she's not interested. Give her space and I see nothing wrong with sneaking off to give herself a little relief. It's disappointing that she can't see that it's ok for a guy to do that. I see nothing in "hiding" that from her. It'll give her a break from any pressure to keep you satisfied.

I hope this helps. Good Luck.

[tooth]

I'm in the same boat, guys. Reading these posts, I felt like I could have written each one.

Married for 6-1/2 yrs. We've been together for over 12 years. I have gone through most everything you guys have been talking about.

Cold, cold, cold, or HOT, HOT, HOT. No middle ground. Sex is great when we have it. She's really into it and adventurous. But if she's not in the mood, I'm lucky to get anything more than a peck on the cheek. I don't need sex all the time. Wouldn't it be nice to just play around once in a while?

I feel like she is not attracted to me when she keeps shooting down my advances. She tells me I am all wrong on this. But how am I supposed to feel when her words say one thing, and her actions tell me something completely different.

Other than taking her out drinking, I have no idea what it takes to get her turned on. I can be as sweet and romantic as can be, and feel like I may as well be insulting her mother and kicking a puppy.

We have three kids. She went through some pretty serious post-partum depression with #2. Now, she is on an anti-depressant, which causes her to have orgasm issues. Which can make sex frustrating for her. But that is now, we've gone through this before that issue came along. We have alot working against us. So I try my best to give her space. I have asked her in the past, "Do you want me to just stop trying, and let you just make the first move?" She tells me no, she like's when I flirt with her. But damn, talk about spinning your wheels.

We have discussed and discussed. I work very hard to understand her, and what she is feeling. I love her with all my heart. Which only makes it worse when we go weeks at a time without any intimacy.

I feel like I'm starting to ramble. So, I'll leave it at that for now. Maybe I'll collect my thoughts again later, and post something a little more rational and constructive.

[raeanna74]

I should add to my post earlier that though hubby and I went for a while where I really didn't want sex with him at all - Now the story is different.

What made the difference is communication. I expressed to him how I felt about being pushed, how I felt tired, and didn't feel like I could trust him. My lack of trust wasn't all his fault either. It was a combination of other people, hubby and my own suspicions and imaginations. Eventually he won me over and I know I would trust him so much more now. He also is willing to give me my space when I'm not feeling good or up to sex or even just in the mood. He's learned that one time when I'm not interested and he pushes ruins it for me the next time too. A girl wants to feel free to have sex or not. Now I'm also on different birth control pills and my libido is much better. Almost anytime hubby asks or gets me going I'm already interested in sex. There is hope. Listen, Talk, and be patient. Also may I suggest checking out the medication avenue. There's lots of things that can affect libido.

[Arsenic7]

I think maybe guys generally like to have reasons for things and "I don't feel like it" without any more of an explanation isn't satisfactory for us. Maybe that's where some of the divide comes from.

[Molz]

Similar situation with my wife and I (though she doesn't instult me or slap me). If you are sure you love her (take some time and think on it), then I would use the suggestions people above have had, but also be aware there is no use in sticking to a relationship that only makes you feel like crap.

I love my wife, but it can be very frustrating for the both of us when we don't want sex at the same time, or when only one of us wants it. End result is that our intimacy comes in peaks and valleys. When it is riding a peak, we can have sex three or more times a week, but when its in a low it can be once or twice a month. Took a while for me to get use to it, but for the most part I have. Hope you can find a solution!