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raeanna74 · 07-22-2004, 07:11 AM

One thing that just popped into my head and I can't really back it up but I'll through it out there anyway, is - Could she be sabotoging the relationship (unconsiously) because she's afraid of something?? If she's had TWO prior relationships that ended the same way... I dunno... if she was withholding sex from those guys, making remarks such as you mentioned, and in general making those guys feel inadequant, well that's one reason a person will seek an outside relationship and cheat. It could be she's sabotoging her relationships because of something else in her head or past that's making her afraid of going deeper in the relationship.

Also - you mentioned that she left the TV on and said it was too early for sex that night. Did she tell you that before you gave her the massage and then went down on her or after?? If it was before, if that was me, it would be a message to you that I didn't WANT sex. Period. If you continued to pursue sexual recreation even if you said you weren't interested in sex and ok with just playing, I would still see it as a means to an end and resent it.

Also, her comments, and slapping you, those reactions raise some red flags. She's got something that's making her resent sex and you as a result. Until you both figure that out and she admits it you won't get anywhere. Don't let those kind of things slide as ibis said. When she says something like that or slaps you or something else just stop, immediately. I'm sure that could be hard if you're all horned up but it's what will help bring her attention to what she's doing that needs to stop. Stop what your doing, completely, and address what she did. Just ask "Why do you say that?" Or "What did you do that for?" Wait for a response. Then express how it makes you feel personally. Say it in such a way that it's non- accusatory. Such as "I FEEL like I'm inadequate when you do that." or "I'm AFRAID that I've done something to upset you. What do I need to do to change." Most likely it's not something you did but it opens up the discussion. If she can't come up with something that you need to change she may admit that she's upset and doesn't know why or that she's afraid of something. Then you can delve deeper. It's times like that when you can use the opportunity to confront her fears and solve this problem.

Hypnosis and such aren't necessary to find out what's making her afraid. A down to earth dialogue with her where there's completely communication, openness, and trust will help her find her fears better than that. A counselor at your college (you said you're students) might be able to assist you both in at least finding things to begin the discussion.

A couple years ago hubby and I had a lot of trust issues. I was also on the pill and my libido was lower. Those two things combined made me want practically NO sex. Every time hubby approached me with a backrub or something else it seemed like he just wanted sex. It made me feel like a toy instead of special. I felt pushed into sex. Since we opened up and started talking about things and since he's been willing to give me space when I ask for it and WITHOUT pouting because he didn't get sex, I've felt more like having sex. The more he pushed the more I didn't want it. Now I feel like I'm free to have sex when I really WANT to. So I WANT to much more.

When she's acting detached (such as leaving the TV on) then take it as a clue that she's not interested. Give her space and I see nothing wrong with sneaking off to give herself a little relief. It's disappointing that she can't see that it's ok for a guy to do that. I see nothing in "hiding" that from her. It'll give her a break from any pressure to keep you satisfied.

I hope this helps. Good Luck.

07-22-2004, 07:11 AM	#16 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	One thing that just popped into my head and I can't really back it up but I'll through it out there anyway, is - Could she be sabotoging the relationship (unconsiously) because she's afraid of something?? If she's had TWO prior relationships that ended the same way... I dunno... if she was withholding sex from those guys, making remarks such as you mentioned, and in general making those guys feel inadequant, well that's one reason a person will seek an outside relationship and cheat. It could be she's sabotoging her relationships because of something else in her head or past that's making her afraid of going deeper in the relationship. Also - you mentioned that she left the TV on and said it was too early for sex that night. Did she tell you that before you gave her the massage and then went down on her or after?? If it was before, if that was me, it would be a message to you that I didn't WANT sex. Period. If you continued to pursue sexual recreation even if you said you weren't interested in sex and ok with just playing, I would still see it as a means to an end and resent it. Also, her comments, and slapping you, those reactions raise some red flags. She's got something that's making her resent sex and you as a result. Until you both figure that out and she admits it you won't get anywhere. Don't let those kind of things slide as ibis said. When she says something like that or slaps you or something else just stop, immediately. I'm sure that could be hard if you're all horned up but it's what will help bring her attention to what she's doing that needs to stop. Stop what your doing, completely, and address what she did. Just ask "Why do you say that?" Or "What did you do that for?" Wait for a response. Then express how it makes you feel personally. Say it in such a way that it's non- accusatory. Such as "I FEEL like I'm inadequate when you do that." or "I'm AFRAID that I've done something to upset you. What do I need to do to change." Most likely it's not something you did but it opens up the discussion. If she can't come up with something that you need to change she may admit that she's upset and doesn't know why or that she's afraid of something. Then you can delve deeper. It's times like that when you can use the opportunity to confront her fears and solve this problem. Hypnosis and such aren't necessary to find out what's making her afraid. A down to earth dialogue with her where there's completely communication, openness, and trust will help her find her fears better than that. A counselor at your college (you said you're students) might be able to assist you both in at least finding things to begin the discussion. A couple years ago hubby and I had a lot of trust issues. I was also on the pill and my libido was lower. Those two things combined made me want practically NO sex. Every time hubby approached me with a backrub or something else it seemed like he just wanted sex. It made me feel like a toy instead of special. I felt pushed into sex. Since we opened up and started talking about things and since he's been willing to give me space when I ask for it and WITHOUT pouting because he didn't get sex, I've felt more like having sex. The more he pushed the more I didn't want it. Now I feel like I'm free to have sex when I really WANT to. So I WANT to much more. When she's acting detached (such as leaving the TV on) then take it as a clue that she's not interested. Give her space and I see nothing wrong with sneaking off to give herself a little relief. It's disappointing that she can't see that it's ok for a guy to do that. I see nothing in "hiding" that from her. It'll give her a break from any pressure to keep you satisfied. I hope this helps. Good Luck. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.