Jim Kata

Kind of long so stop now if you want.

I may (actually, I KNOW) go all over the place with this one, but they all sort of relate (i guess)....so here I go.

I don't celebrate christmas (My gift exchanging holiday is Ramadan). But my girlfriend does. We plan on getting married and what not and I understand that I will have to celebrate christmas then and when we have kids and really have no problem with that (except for the whole santa clause thing, but I can fake liking that).

So this year, her parents invited me over for christmas eve. Her whole family will be there (Grandmother, Uncle, Bitchy Aunt, and Bitchy cousins). Her whore of a sister (who actually can be nice, but can be very whorish), has a new boyfriend. She has a new boyfriend every 4 months or so, for the past 2 1/2 years that I have been with her sister, so its no big deal. But the thing is I always feel that I have to compete or outdo the new boyfriends with things that her parents would like (keep that in mind).
He is coming to dinner too, and we have both been invited to stay the night there and go to midnight mass.

I don't want to stay the night because I am a weird sleeper...I wake up super early all the time, I talk in my sleep (the guest room is right next to her parents bedroom), and I have been known to wake up in the middle of the night with a good 3 or 4 minute sneezing fit. And most of all, I will feel really odd being there with the whole unwrapping of gifts ritual and what not.

So back to the competitive thing. My girl knows how I am about that and she keeps reminding me that it doesn't matter what her parents think, it only matters what she thinks, and I agree but still have that "out do the bastard" mentality.

Anyways, I get a call from my girl and she says "Do you love me?"
I reply with "Of Course."
She says, "will you do anything for me?"
I say, "Anything that I can I will, and If I can't I will try my best."
so she hits me up with, "My sister's boyfriend is going to stay the night...will you please stay the night too. It would be a great christmas present for me."

God damn! I really don't want to stay. I like my bed. I don't have any gifts to give them on christmas (although I did give them ramadan gifts last month)...I don't know whats proper christmas etiquette and whats not, I can come up with a thousand reasons now that I think about it...anyways...

Mr. Perfect money bags doesn't celebrate Christmas either but is going to Midnight Mass, and is going to stay the night. And I'm sure is going to bust out with gifts, even for my girl (even though the sisters supposedly said that their significant others won't be giving gifts to the other sister (did that make sense?)).

I'm lost, I don't know what to do. Should I stay?...should I not?. I used the "No one is home to keep the cats company" excuse (we are both nutty cuckoo about spoiling and loving our pets). But I think she knows that isn't the real reason.

So basically....I guess I'm asking if it is disrespectful and will it look bad if I don't do all that stuff like Mr. Perfect is to my girlfriend and her parents? Will they think that I'm a big scrooge because I didn't go to all of the stuff?

(I know, no one but themselves know the answers to those questions, but your reactions/opinions would be greatly appreciated)

I mean hell, I am going to eat dinner with them all, and I'm sure her mother knows I have a very bad social phobia. So that counts for something, right??

I don't know what to do....Help me Obi Wan Kenobi...you're my only hope.

Like I said, I know I am all over the place with this and I'm sure I added stuff that doesn't need to be here and stuff that should be here was left out. I'm just typing as I think of it. So any words of wisdom from you all would be very cool.

Thanks.

mistered

Well, if you're planning on this relationship going anywhere, ya gotta do this stuff. It's only going to become a greater requirement as the years go on.

No one says you have to like it. But you have to tolerate this stuff here and there. It comes with the territory.

EVERYONE'S family and inlaws are insane, my friend! We all have 'em. But, remember, her family is all she has. I mean, that's all she's guaranteed of having.

Gotta suck it up and make the best of it. I bet you'll even find some moments of fun in the process.

phredgreen

two things i'll tell ya.

number one, suck it up and sleep in a new/unfamiliar bed one night in your life. yes, you have quircks, but we all do. don't get too self-concious about it. i snore like a motherfucker but i'll sleep anywhere someone lays down a pillow and a blanket. they will be understanding if you start shouting random slogans in your sleep.

number two, no matter how much you feel like it, this isn't some kind of competition. you aren't being invited to the folks' house just so they can pass judgement between you and the flavour of the quarter. the simple fact that you've been a steady something in one of their daughter's life while the other one is bringing home a new face every 4 months speaks for itself. don't feel like you hafta outdo this schmuck, you already have for the simple fact that you've been in the picture long before he ever came around and will most likely still be there long after he's drifted off.

don't be so nervous, just go, smile, laugh at their stupid jokes, and try not to fall asleep during church.

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yournamehere

Just for future reference:

When she says, " <i>It would be a great Christmas present for me."</i>, then it's mandatory. In a healthy relationship, it also means she'll owe you one.

And I'll also agree that you're way too competitive - just be yourself.

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Averett

Yup, you've gotta suck it up and go.

A few days with the in-laws to make her happy, vs. her being pissed off at you for quite awhile. Which do you choose?

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Jim Kata

I don't think she will be pissed off, but more disappointed. Either way, I am going. Thanks all, good advice.
And I DO gotta get over that damn competitive thing. The next boyfriend is due in about a month or so, so maybe I will be somewhat better by then.

dragon2fire

good luck


try not to feel to bitter about having to do this


and really dont worry about the other so

dumbnutofak

I don't think you should have to give presents out to anyone. Especially since you don't celebrate christmas. Has the discusion ever come up between her parents and you? I think they would be completely understandable about you not celebrating.

Like everyone else said, it's all about her oweing you one later. I know when I slept at my g/f's house in the past, I was all sorts of loud. I snore like a MOFO, and I do talk in my sleep as well.

You shouldn't look at it as being in competition with her sis's new b/f's. Not like your dating your g/f sis....so just be norm and screw the competition thing.

Remember, The following was written as MY opinion....if you don't like it, don't flame it, just express yours in a rational way.

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tritium

I'd make her hang out with your folks next year during Ramadon.

I would find it kinda of annoying that she immediately placed the stakes of the relationship on the table in order to get you to go -- "Do you love me?" -- but then, I don't have the whole story. I'd rather her give me an out instead of pinning me down to do something I'd previously established as being uncomfortable.

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raeanna74

Half the time we only tolerate the in-laws. Hubby finds my famil extremely irritating and I don't blame him even though it doesn't bother me as much. That's only because I'm used to it. Hubby still goes to our celebrations. There isn't the different religion question in our situation but there is the distaste that hubby has for my family. Get gets along and that's about it - he does have some good times with my bro but my bro punched in once, two weeks before our wedding.

I think - if you want this relationship to stay strong you are gonna half to go. You don't have to do much for presents since you don't normally celebrate this anyway. Just get something for Mom and Pop inlaw and make it simple. Try to be thoughtful but don't try to outspend the other boyfriend. I have a feeling - judging from sis' dating habits that mom and pop won't think too much of an expensive gift and will appreciate a thoughtful one. I don't know what their interests are but some suggestions could be - buy mom a nice centerpiece for the dinner table. Present it to her when you arrive and say "Merry Christmas" here's your present early. That way she recognises it for what it is. You could get special points for that move. Ask your girlfriend to help you find something that isn't just plain old spendy. You can outdo without outspending. You will get some of the biggest points from your girlfriend for doing this. If it is just too distressing it won't hurt to let her know that you hesisted going because you were afraid of competeing with sis' boyfriend but that you went because you knew it meant so much to her. I would be willing to bet you get a big kiss (or more) for that one. Then Take your own pillow with and tough it out. It is just one night.

Hubby is even going to brave the real tree that my parents stupidly insisted on even though every one of us hubby, daughter, and I have miserable allergies to them. That's toughing it. Good Luck - I hope you can enjoy the time. If sis' boy gives more gifts don't sweat it. Everyone knows what your gift giving holiday is - they better not criticise.

edit: sorry so long. I ramble too much.

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analog

Sorry, man...

"It's a big shit sandwich, and we're all gonna have to take a bite." - Full Metal Jacket.

guthmund

What he said. Just keep in mind all the ways your girlfriend can repay your generous "christmas present," eh?

Or you could tell them that December is a hard time for cats because of the holidays and suicide rates for felines double, no triple around Christmas. You'd love to come, but somebody's got to stay and wrap bubble wrap around all the knives.

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Charlatan

Suck up the sleeping over. If you love her then you should know what it will mean to her and you will do it and do it with no fuss.

As for competition with Mr. Perfect. Again, don't sweat it.

1) You gave them gifts at Ramadan
2) Respect is a two-way street. I'm not saying get in their face and demand respect. Your precense (not presents) show respect for them. You are attending their family gathering. IF you are going to be a part of the family you need to attend family gatherings. Religion has nothing to do with this.
3) In the long run, parents care only that their daughter is happy. If you are sitting around all sullen and grumpy they will wonder if you are good for her. Be yourself. Don't sweat the religion and learn to enjoy the oddities of your new family.

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ratbastid

Add my voice to the "suck it up and sleep" choir.

As far as competitiveness goes... I dunno, it sounds pretty natural to me. When my now-pal-and-golfing-buddy Kurt and I were dating lurkette and her sister, there was a little of that going on. Now we've each married our respective sister, and it's all good. I wouldn't worry that you do that.

Try to turn down the volume on it as much as you can, of course, because you're NOT that big competitive jerk. But don't spend much time worrying about it.

SAM821

You have no idea how Important it is to impress the in-laws (or future in-laws)... if you dont go, you are just opening yourself up for scrutiny and questioning... you definitly dont want that... my suggestion is that you go... (im sure you must've made up your mind by now) so i hope that you did in fact go... Its the holiday's and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the one you love... Be greatful that you have some one... most people out there are going to be alone over the holidays...

and... show that bastard up!..... let us know how it went...

sillygirl

Without reading all of the previous posts, I'm gonna say this...

At least her family welcomes you and wants you there. My SO's family wants nothing to do with me, meaning that I probably won't get to see him at all on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. (they're good at coming up with ways to keep him busy with 'family stuff' so that he doesn't have TIME to get away ~ among other things).

Go. Have fun. Feel good and appreciated that her family wants you there. Don't worry about anything else. Enjoy the company of the family that you are talking about marrying into.

Happy Holidays!

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Sparhawk

I'd like to just take this moment out to remind all of us how important context is when quoting people. Merry Christmas to you and your respective sister, ratbastid

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plum

I realize I'm coming into this conversation a little late, but I would see the combo of "Do you love me?" followed by "Will you do anything for me?" as a BIG RED FLAG.

Meanwhile, you have no need to compete with the revolving door of boyfriends; you win for being around, being consistent, making your girl happy.

Jim Kata

My oh my, I haven't had access to the net for the past few days so I just thought I would let you know what happened (don't know if anyone cares..), anyway...I went with no intention to stay the night because my woman and I decided that her father didn't even know that we were invited to stay and it may make things strange. Anyhoo...I went, and had fun. I got the first hug from my future father-in-law (he was sober) so that was good.
Everything was smooth. It was like the mother and father were fighting to sit near me during dinner because I was "so funny" (so funny = semi drunk).
As far as the other dude, screw him....I totally have thrown out that competitive thing once I saw him and how cocky he was. They don't hate him....but they aren't his biggest fans. Nothing more boring than someone who constantly talks about himself and how he doesn't eat certain things because they aren't "healthy" (the balls of this guy considering he was talking about some of the things on the dinner table).
Anyways...I'm so looking forward to next year's christmas eve/christmas.
Thanks again for all the advice.

denim

I'm probably not the best one to give advice on this, but here's my take on it: if this kind of thing is a major problem for you, stop dating outside your faith.

OTOH, I've never dated outside my faith, and I'm all alone.