Prince

I don't know if this is a rant or a question. Judge for yourself, should you bother reading through this.

She claims I'm ruining Christmas for her. She's always loved Christmas, it is her favourite holiday of all. As for me, I used to enjoy Christmas as a child, but as I grew older the holidays got darker tones. The last few Christmas holidays before my parents split up were filled with alcohol, adultery, and a lot of yelling. Ok, I'm past that, as I should be, but along the way I've gained a somewhat sarcastic, cynical side to myself. And I think it is this side of me that's ruining Christmas for her.

We were driving down to see her parents a week or so ago. Seeing her parents is always stressful for me, seeing as they like me about as much as I like them (Well, it's hard to really come to like your in-laws when their goal in life seems to be to see that your marriage doesn't last). I was really not in the mood for jolly ho ho ho Christmas tunes, and least of all the ones sung by Jewel - an artist whose vocal style just happens to irritate me to no end.

I didn't say anything, but I guess the expression on my face was enough to piss her off. She got ticked off and cried and made a big deal out of how I am ruining Christmas for her by not getting into the whole Christmas spirit.

Well, some time passes and I feel a bit more Christmasy now, but this morning she gets pissed at me for some irrelevant thing, and we parted on not the best of terms. Now, I usually do not like letting her leave for work in a bad mood. One time I ran after her and kissed and hugged her at the parking lot so her day wouldn't be ruined by the early morning arguing.

This morning she got pissed because I lifted the cat by the tail. I know that sounds bad, and no I didn't lift the cat up from it, I just did that thing where you put your hand around the tail, gently at the base of it, and then move your hand up so the tail slides through your palm, so to speak, but about 2/3 into the tail I lifted the cat a bit, so that its back paws barely got off the ground. I've done this to many a cat, and none of them any more than this one made anything of it. It's a thing of affection and kind of a prank at the same time, and I saw my grandfather do that now and then, growing up. Guess that's where I picked it up, but my wife flew off the handle saying that it isn't "nice". Geez there's that word again. If the cat doesn't mind, if it doesn't hurt her, wtf is the difference. Why does everything have to be so damn PC all the time? I mean, I'm a prankster at heart, she knows that. A prankster...not a sadist.

When I dropped her off this morning, she turned around as if she was expecting me to say something, to apologize maybe, but I just drove off.

I dunno. I guess there are two things at play here...for one thing, I feel like I am usually the one who gives in, apologizes, the one who's wrong, the one who fucked up. Also, I'm living in south Texas now, snow is but a dream here, as opposed to the huge piles of snow they have in my native country this time of year. It is hard for me to get into the Christmas spirit when Christmas in the past has been more a source of agony than joy for me, and when nothing around me even remotely reminds me of 'Christmas'.

I try to be unselfish and get into this Christmas spirit, but I have to wonder as to how I can make that happen and not just be faking it. I've grown to be a relatively bitter man, I must say, if I can't suffer through even one Christmas jingle without getting irritable.

I guess there are things that need to be worked out. I don't know why it is typically during the holidays that people start dealing with shit that they otherwise mostly just ignore.

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Who is John Galt?

Cynthetiq

relationships are a give and take... just as you need to be there for Xmas for her.. she needs to be there for you to enjoy NOT xmas....

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the luckiest

You're married to her?

Seriously, though... have you told her about the parts of your past, the bad experiences that you've had, that revolve around Christmas and generally ruin it for you? Because if you haven't, from what I've gathered from your post, you need to do so immediately.

She needs to understand, and you need to stand up for yourself. Not violently or anything, just... verbally, not abusively insulting or anything but just saying "This is how it is for me and this is why."

Prince

Yeah, she knows. And she understands, but doesn't understand. You know? I guess she just cannot relate, and I don't expect her to, and am actually glad she doesn't have her own bad experiences of similar kind.

I guess my enjoying Christmas is a big part in her enjoying it. I don't know what to do about it.

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Who is John Galt?

gibingus

1. ditch the cat and get a dog.

2. ignore the fight. you could try talking it out, but odds are it will degrade into a "you did this or that" kind of thing where you try to put out the fire by pouring gas on it.

2 A. instead, do something really christmassy, but cool and in your own idiom, and show her you aren't a total scrooge.

i will share this scheme i have been plotting, maybe it will help: take your wife out to a pre christmas lunch, but instead of a restaurant, take her to a hotel room that you have decorated with christmassy stuff in advance and have room service. then let the stocking stuffing commence. don't know if your wife's boss is cool, but i called ahead to my wife's boss and let her know that i had a surprise scheme in mind and she gave her the afternoon off.

if you need music, i suggest the elvis christmas album or the phil spector christmas album. way more tolerable than anything by jewel. i dated a girl once and i knew if i came home and she was listening to either jewel or tori amos that a fight was pending, because that is classic "all men are assholes" music.

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if everyone is thinking alike, chances are no one is thinking.

Prince

1) I actually prefer dogs... This one cat that we have is truly the most objectionable feline you're likely to meet. She likes NO ONE, hisses at you except when she wants food. I love animals, in general, but I'll admit I'd take great joy in kicking this particular specimen of wrath out the door. But, she loves the cat, alas the pissycat remains.

2) I think you're right about ignoring it. This is a pride thing now more than anything else. Should just drop it and move on.

I agree about Jewel and Amos... I like a lot of Tori's music, but she too has a wide repertoire of I-hate-men songs.

Your plan sounds brilliant. Wouldn't work on my wife though, as she would consider it "wasting money" as we're tight as it is, but maybe I can think of something. Thanks for the tip!

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Who is John Galt?

ratbastid

gibingus is on the right track, and it doesn't necessarily take money. Now is the time for some simple but sweet romatic gesture.

Take her for an early-evening drive in the country. Tell her to take her snow boots. (I don't know where you are geographically, but I'm picturing snow. Work with me here!) Find some gorgeous snowy hill to stand on and watch the sunset. Hold her and keep her hands warm. Then when the sun has set and the sky is darkening, look deep into her eyes and say, "Merry Christmas."

You'll blow her socks off!

gibingus

dude, your wife and mine may be cut from the same cloth. i get bawled out for spending too much money when i do the romantic splurges. tough to find the balance

what about a cute pound puppy for christmas? cheap, cuddly and will torment your pissycat.

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if everyone is thinking alike, chances are no one is thinking.

sigma1042

first things first, kill the cat

then rent a christmas movie worth watching, that you can laugh about like the stop motion rudolph the rednosed reindeer, you can make fun of it but still look to be in the spirit of things,

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[Arthur] HA HA HA HA, It's a little joke![/Arthur]

denim

== empty set

Christmas is a boring waste of time and money. The only good thing about it is that it's a paid day off.


In case you're wondering, that's your cue to come up with something GOOD about Christmas. Isn't there ANYTHING you like about it?

raeanna74

The suggestions above are really great. Go ahead and do something special. Even getting a Christmas wreath for the door (if you don't have one already) or stringing some Christmas lights around your bedroom, lighting some candles, and have some treat to nibble on. Also put on some traditional Christmas music maybe. Personally the Christmas music I enjoy is the Bing Crosby and such. There isn't anything like a real nice "White Christmas" Don't know if that's the kind that floats her boat but I doubt it would be as obnoxious to you as Jewel. The setup at home after work would be less expensive. Hubby and I understand the cost factor. Also make sure you have a CD of some Christmas music that you can tolerate in the car with you when you go with her anyway. When she puts in something that bothers you like Jewel you can suggest she listen to this other Christmas music. Then you can show her that it's the type of music that partly bothers you.

Personally I think she needs to stop worrying about your mood. She isn't something you can change I realize but I wanted to tell you that this blow up isn't all you. Over the years hubby and I have learned to let be usually. Yes we give and take but also we give each other the space we need to be in the moods that we happen to be in. For example: Hubby went through some depression due to his injury 2 years ago. I learned to let him be, Not try to cheer him up, and do what I needed to keep my own mood happy. I've learned that my mood does not have to be dependant on his. I'm my own person and can be happy, do happy things even when he's feeling down. When I take care of that then when he needs a shoulder to lean on or someone to hear him out then I'm there and ready. I don't know how you'd communicate any of this to her but I hope she can learn the same thing I did.

Good Luck and I hope you can find something to enjoy about this season. Don't let your past unpleasantness your parents caused you to experience to ruin this Christmas and all future Christmases. They are still ruining it for you and it doesn't have to be that way.

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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

tritium

Personally, I think there are issues at hand that transcend Christmas in general. There's the question of your past, the spectres that remain and their manifestation on your current life. I don't mean to imply that you are weak or afraid, though you may interpret the following call to action to be contrary to that claim. Get some help. You need an indifferent, professional to listen to your woes and to help you work through your past, not a hoi polloi of anonymous internet users. We can share our personal experiences with you, but essentially no gains will be made.

You are projecting an anger onto a period of time, can you see that? There are social workers and shrinks that can help you move beyond the past that is apparently dogging you down.

Its not just your wife.

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Blah.

omega2K4

Ditto.

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"While the State exists there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State." - Vladimir Ilyich Lenin

"Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."- Karl Marx

SparklingDot

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is to make them happy, even if you have to give a bit. Why not stay in and create your own Christmas traditions? Maybe you don't have snow, so paint the windows to look like snow. Hang foam snowflakes from the ceiling. Share Christmas stories, good AND bad, in front of a fireplace or over drinks. Find out what it is that she likes, and add your own variation.

And remember that it is perfectly fine to be alone. Sometimes a little time and space is best.

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17 seconds is all you really need
- Smashing Pumpkins

mistered

She's always going to resent it if you don't make great efforts to make the holiday special for her.

We all have stuff to be bitter about. Don't you have anything that gives you joy in life? Try to focus on that. The "I'm a bitter man" paints you into a corner and is going to make your life miserable. Believe me ... I fight it all the time. But then I change focus to the good stuff and it helps.

tritium

Then again, what is she doing to make this a special holiday for him.

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Blah.

Litespeed

I cannot even begin to understand why this is so difficult. All things build up to make for an unhappy situation, and when both in a relationship are sad and cynical there is not to be any progress made. She is wrong for finding reasons to be offended. You are wrong for not smiling and sharing your love. But you both have justified reasons for being so down.

My best advice is to just focus on making it through the season with your marriage in tact. Find ways to make your love happy, and she will feel loved for your outpouring of love. Even if it doesn't have much to do with the "Christmas spirit" that she is so intent on spreading.

My guess is that she doesn't realize you dislike Jewel and you definately haven't tried hard enough to explain your take on Christmas. Be productive. Tell her a couple of ways that you would like to celebrate the season. Tell her how much you miss the snow and how difficult it is for you to be in sunny southern Texas. Open your heart to her and she will open hers to you. Hostility will cease. Things will improve next year. You'll have been through it once.

Best of luck to you!