Rlyss

Hi everyone. My partner and I have been through all sorts of arguments and things in the past, but for the past month or two things have been going rather well.

Now something' happened. She's discovered my Livejournal from last year when I was with someone else, and now she's upset. I don't know if it's more because I wrote a lot about my partner a the time (which was fair enough, I didn't even know my current partner at that time) or she's upset because I haven't kept an online diary while I've been with her.

I didn't, and don't want to delete my old Livejournal because even though it's all about an ex-partner, it's almost two years of my life written down, recorded, that I can look back on and laugh about when I'm 50.

I don't think she has a right to get annoyed at what she's reading, since it was back then, but she has some firm views about how couples should keep absolutely no secrets, and how my past is somehow her business. Until now we've sort of been able to keep our differing views in check (I firmly believe that my past is my past, and is (politely) none of her business), and that even though we're a couple, we are entitled to our own privacy).

Now she's gone off in a huff and won't speak to me, and it's been a while now. How the heck do I resolve something like this? I want to say simply 'That was then, and you have no right to be angry' but she's just not the type to accept that.

What do I do?

DEI37

I think you're right in that she has no right to be upset about the journal from the ex. First off, if she "discovered" it, she was snooping...that's not good. To a point, your past isn't her business, UNLESS it affects you NOW. And, from what I'm reading, it doesn't.

How to fix the problem now...I dunno. Obviously apologize for the misunderstanding, and explain why it's still around...and next...think about doing a journal with her.

I've never been in something like this before, so I can't give advice from experience, but what I did give, I hope helps.

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Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

Jesus Pimp

Don't use a livejournal when you're in a relationship. Don't read your ex's livejournal, it will upset you and fuck with your brain.

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Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

Averett

I have an online journal. Well, two. One here and one somewhere else.

It would be highly unlikly that anyone I know would find it.



I would be mortified if one certain person did read it though.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Rlyss

Thanks for the replies guys.

She read the whole thing and is now jealous that I wrote about my partners in 2001 and 2002, before I even knew her name.

I ended up telling her that she was wrong to get angry at such things and take it out on me, and that she needed to find someone other than her obviously biased friends to tell her what was right and what was wrong. She said 'F--k you' to me, and I said that's it.

So no more

Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. Almost ten months down the drain!

Averett

Ouch. Damn.

If she's worth it you two need to sit down and talk about these things. She has to realize that you have a past (as I'm sure she does as well) and she has to accept it.

That sucks, I'm sorry. I hope you can work it out.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

wally

For a girl to get that upset over something like this, seems to me like there's more behind why she's mad. I'm thinking either: a) she has been looking for an out to the relationship for a while or b) (hopefully) she'll realize this all has been blown out of proportion by her and she'll come to her senses in a couple days and apologize.

Good luck with the situation.

Rlyss

Her insecurities are the problem here, not any kind of loose morals on my part before she and I went out. I took a female friend out for coffee in January, she met and had unprotected sex twice with a sleazy guy in February and then in late March I asked her out. I didn't know about this guy until later on in our relationship, and when I found out I insisted we both get tested, and we did.

Mind you, I'm not upset about her having sex with this guy she had only just met the day before, simply because she told me and I made us get tested, and because it happened before she and I got together, but she was upset about me having coffee with another female friend almost three months before I even asked her out, and that's what caused this huge fight tonight.

In the past few months she's said to me:
- "I hate you"
- "You're a shitty boyfriend"
- "[Mutual friend's name] would make a better boyfriend than you."
- "F--k you" (tonight)

Some tiny little part of my brain is telling me that she's a psycho and I'm glad to have got out with my sanity.

Averett

Yikes.... Sounds messy. Good luck with whatever you do.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

spived2

I for one couldn't be with a girl that didn't understand simple things like "minding her own business" and "personal privacy." I would dump her and move on.

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"This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V." - V

GoldenOuroboros

Mate, that's just wrong aye.. snooping and saying that crap is wrong. Like people have said, your past is YOUR past and up to your discretion whether you show it to her or not.

Maybe you should set a date up with her and dump her.. take her out to a nice dinner, then dump her... nah.. that's being cruel.

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oberon

I think that somebody you're in a relationship with has no right to be mad about something you did before you got involved with them. Because, guess what, there's nothing that can be done about the past.

So, honestly, I think it's probably for the best that you broke up.

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Woody182

If it's over then it's over, I'm just curious the age of you and your partner. I'm 21 and so is my girlfriend, I really could not see this being the root of our breaking up (coincidentaly, 10 months). There had to be A LOT of other problems, this was merely the tip of the iceberg.
Live Journals are therapeutic to some, that's why I see them used. I personally write song lyrics. Do I let her read them no, but I show her some at my discretion. Do I write more when I'm not happy (wasn't with her) yes. However, it's a privacy thing and two mature people should be able to understand that.

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If I fall in love, will you forgive me?
If I lose my way, will you choose me?
If I change my mind, will you change me?
-Smashing Pumpkins

Rlyss

Woody - I'm 20 and she's 19. Privacy has been a huge issue in the past and it seems this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

She and I had very, very different idea on what a relationship should be like. She found it strange that I kept my bank PIN a secret and that I turned away to enter it at an auto teller, she found it strange that I huddled over my keyboard to type in my e-mail password, she found it strange that I didn't like it how she stood right behind someone at an auto teller when she was in line, she didn't like it how I caught her out and scolded her for looking through my mobile phone messages. I said 'How would you feel if you left the room and came back to find me snooping through your drawers?!?' and her answers were inevitably 'I wouldn't mind, because I've got nothing to hide.'

So basically her reasoning is that I should be 110% open, and not have any sort of privacy, because I should have nothing to hide. And by wanting a little privacy some times, I must be keeping some big terrible secret from her. Which is complete crap. I've got nothing to hide, there's nothing in my e-mail inbox that I would be embarassed for her to read, but... that's my space! That's my inbox, she's got hers, I've got mine, it's as simple as that.

eribrav

I don't think this is a point you want to negotiate on.

In general, I think a lot of relationship problems CAN be solved by compromise and consideration for one another. This is not one of those problems. Even when you are married, there will be a certain little personal space you must have......not because you're doing things that need to be hidden, but because it's an essential part of your own healthy existence. If she can't understand that now, she will never in the future.

analog

DAMN RIGHT!!

Way to go, man! I'd have said, "dump her stupid ass", but you took care of things first.

You made the right choice. That's psycho territory, and i'm glad you made it our alive.

Harshaw

Things done before being in a relationship should be inadmissible in the relationship.

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This too shall pass.

Marburg

Putting personal thoughts in the public domain is a bad idea to begin with. It's analogous to putting your diary next to a photocopyer and walking away.

I also have an online journal - but nothing critical goes into it.

If you want to keep that shit personal - password protect it!

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Ask a simple question... get pain.

lucidity

It sounds to me as if there is some insecurity there on her part. Talk to her about it. If she doesn't respond well after a good heart to heart...then there is a bigger issue at play. Good luck.

*Nikki*

I have a live journal also.

There are many that I would never want to read it.

I don't advise reading anyones journal unless you want to get your feelings hurt.

HFrankenstein

[edit]Sorry, didn't read the whole thread. Glad to see you did the right thing. Still, read my post. You might learn a thingertoo.[/edit]

At the very least, you've learned not to talk about your significant other in writing for all the world to see. A lesson well learned.

That said, to me, your current relationship seems to have gotten the kiss of death. Sure, it will look like you've worked through the problem eventually, but in reality, she'll most likely, judging from her apparent self-confidence issues, have to resort to simply hiding her feelings on the issue, which will ultimately lead to resentment, and that's never good.

If you're willing to stay in a doomed relationship, go for it, but I strongly recommend against letting it go much further. It'll only make the inevitable breakup that much harder.

There's another lesson to be learned from this, and it's a sad one: to wit, relationships are built on lies and secrecy. Okay, maybe it's not quite that extreme, but it gets the point across. This point being, no person should/wants to know everything about his/her partner's past. This does not only apply to the obvious sexual stuff (NO guy wants to know who else has been in there). This also applies to past emotional and lifestyle issues (attempted suicides, drug abuse, etc.)

There are, of course, plenty of things that are perfectly okay to know about, even advisable. Long-since remedied life-threatening illness; death of a parent/sibling; ran over the neighbors cat and never ever ever told anybody; etc.

Anyway, summing up, your girl clearly has some self-confidence problems. Even if this situation hadn't surfaced, people with negative self-images simply aren't fit for serious relationships, so you guys were doomed from the start anyway. In the off chance that she is not actually like this, this incident was the death card anyway. Sorry, Dorito2. Better luck next time, I guess.

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When in doubt, sauerkraut.

Holo

Excuse my Friench, but fuck her. Anything that came before her and has no bearing on your current life with her is none of her fucking business. I'm really touchy about this subject, as my gf has read my journals I've kept twice and now I keep nothing at all because I can't trust she won't read it again. Unless you share the journal with her it's your business and she can stick it.

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I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince