uptown

tell somebody that hard as you try you are having trouble believing them when they say that they love you and that you are having doubts that they desire you ?

On a related note,how do you (lovingly)express to them that you would prefer that they go ahead and act on their sexual attractions to other women and only come to you when it's you they want?

Rlyss

My partner did that to me. All the time. In my experience, as much as it hurts to not know if your partner is in love with you, it hurts even more to tell your partner that you love them and have them say 'I don't believe you'. That is absolutely heart-breaking.

Why is that you don't think he (I assume it's a 'he'?) loves you? I mean, is it because he doesn't show it enough, or is it because you have your own insecurities? I thought I showed my partner enough, more than enough, and each and every time she would tell me that she didn't believe me. You might think that would start me on a huge effort to *make her believe me, but instead it drove me the other way. Instead of thinking 'I'm going to make it better' I thought 'Well, if you don't believe me, that's your issue, and I'm trying my best.' That sounds incredibly selfish when I read that, but drawing up the courage to say that you love someone and have them accuse you not quite of lying, but of not truly meaning it, is a heartbreaking thing.

I think you should find out if it's him, or you, with the issues. If he really isn't trying his hardest then by all means, hint nicely to him that you need to feel a bit more special. But if you know that he's doing everything right, then it's unfair of you to make him feel like he's not doing enough if he really is.

I hope that helps a little bit. Sorry I can't answer your second question, I don't have any experience with that.

Bloodslick

Dorito2, I wonder if you and I had the same girlfriend. Maybe we just like to look at other girls too often for our respective exes.

uptown, a roving eye and an idle curiosity are normal things, even when someone is involved in a relationship. I think that people who don't look are trying too hard to convince themselves they're in the right place. If you're trying that hard, you're probably not.

The question then becomes: do you have a roving eye and an idle curiosity from time to time? If you worry that you're not loved, are you sure that you're happy and in love yourself?

feelgood

That ain't right. I may be a 20 years old guy who likes sex but in a meaningful relationship, sex is the ultimate expression of love. If you or your parnter wants to act their sexual desire on others, then there's something wrong.

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vveronica

Its called breaking up... just start it with.. its not you ... its me...
I think she will get the clue...

And if she truly is faithfull you will get what you obviously want the most... to be alone.

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raeanna74

No matter what you say use the words "I feel like..." not "You don't act like..." The first phrase is personal and non accusatory, the other is attacking. If they truely love you they will want to reassure you that they do and shouldn't get angry. They will be hurt but not as much if you state your feelings as being a personal thing with you only and express that you are needing reassurance.

Also, coming from an open, swinger, relationship, I would not recommend suggesting that your SO act out sexual desires with others and only come to you when they truely want you only. My relationship with dei37 ONLY works because we are both sure of the love that we have for each other. If your SO were to go to others for sexual satisfaction then you would be hurt and believe that your SO doesn't love you - if they don't love you then you shouldn't pursue the relationship with them or at the very least don't give them an open relationship.

Before you approach them with your question assure them of your feelings for them and assure them that you have no desire to hurt them. Let them know that you value your relationship and that you want to cultivate your relationship and that this is the reason that you want to discuss this with them. If they know that you are asking for this reassurance because you love them and want to be with them and not because you are looking for an out then they should be less afraid and less hurt.

Good Luck

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Redlemon

Hi again uptown. Sorry to hear that things still aren't good for you. Back in your "age and sexuality" thread, I posted a late response, but the thread ended pretty quickly after that and I don't know if you saw it.

To recap: I've read through most of your posts, and I'm starting to believe that your husband/boyfriend may be emotionally abusive.

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analog

I'm surprised i'm the first to say this, but love and desire are two completely different things... you seem to express them as one feeling. Love does not mean desire. As most of us know, desire CERTAINLY doesn't mean love. That's why we ('we' being the human race) have "sex".

People have sex when they desire but do not love. Relationships form when desire is coupled with love, which is why it's refered to as "making love". Even if the sex is rough, animalistic, primal, etc. (which is great, try it some time ), it is still love-making if it's with the one you love.

A relationship CAN NOT LAST without both love and desire- and I don't mean sexual desire. Desire can be psychological, in that it can be based solely on the "need" to be around that person. You desire their companionship, their comfort, etc.

I recommend having a serious sit-down with your SO and discuss that you don't feel loved or desired. Don't ask, tell. "I love you very much, but my love for you is not enough to carry a whole relationship. I feel like you aren't able to express your love in a way I can understand, because i'm sure the love is there."

Ask what it is they feel they do that should show you their love. You may see that they are trying all kinds of things, and are simply missing the mark. Just as a point to ponder, you may be looking for affirmations of love that manifest themselves differently than your SO doles out. Example: My ex-girlfriend of 3 years loved skittles. LOVED them. Every once in a while, when she had a bad day or something, i'd come home with a bag of skittles for her. She always thanked me, but I found out later on that she never thought it as a gesture of love- she just always thought I brought them to pacify her. She was astounded (and brought to tears) when I explained I did it because I thought she'd appreciate it and see it as another gesture of my love for her. She cried for like 3 days off and on, she felt so bad. I bought her skittles on day 2 which, I think, lead to day 3.

Best of luck.
-analog