can 'love' lead to being 'in love'? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Ho-train · 08-26-2003, 02:21 PM

Here's the jist...

I met a girl in 10th grade, we'll call her Sally...we've never dated, or hooked up. We became basically 'best friends' i guess you could say. Now, it just so happens that come 11th grade, she became a major hottie, with a sexual appetite that rivals aphrodite. So after introducing her to all my friends, they start oogling at her and eventually, she starts dating them and hooking up with some. This left me jealous, but i never said anything about it, and of course am regretting it now.

Now im a sophomore in college. And Sally just got out of a very involved relationship with one of my childhood friends. She was in love and he broke up with her without reason, and for this she resents him, but at the same time wants him back. As of now, them getting back together is out of the question since Sally is at school a few states away. Amidst all her dating and boyfriends, Sally and I still remain very close. And as of lately I have been wondering if i should finally open up to her and tell her how i truly feel about her. We always tell eachother that we 'love' one another, but 'love' and being 'in love' are very seperate things.

As of now i'd want nothing more than to become Sally's boyfriend, and if possible, her future husband. But thats being a bit hastey.

Anyway, as we speak on IM right now, she keeps telling me that i should open up my heart to her & tell her how i feel. But i feel that if i do that it would just leave me so vulnerable. And if she doesn't feel the same way i do about us, then its just going to make me even more reluctant to open up to her, or any other woman i come in contact with.

Now in the past, i have wrote her things that tell her how deeply i feel about her, but at the time i wrote them she always had a boyfriend. Now that she doesn't, i find it even harder for me to tell her that i love her, and that i want us to be together. But i can't tell if she wants the same thing, or something totally different, totally platonic(sp?).

Here's an excerpt from our convo:

Me: its like i want to say i love you, but the way i feel is greater (thats from a roots song, but i mean it)

Me: its hard for me to open up Sally, its like, you have 100 guys who want you & dont even know you, but i want you because i know you

Her: so do you have something right now that you WANT to say?

Her: or do you not know how to say it?

Me: does that make sense

Her: Joe i understand that. but those guys that want me...are just guys hitting on me when i walk by...just like they hit on any girl who walks by. But the guys who REALLY want me...know me well & know the true person i am. I think it is because we have a bond unlike any other bonds guys have with their guy friends. i will be there for you through anything...when you want to talk or when something is bothering you. but i can also be a HUGE bitch...

Her: i dont know what it is...but all of my friendships with guys turn into them wanting me....i honestly dont know what it is exactly. i mean derek what if i looked like rosie o'donnel....or sally struthers...that would make a big difference huh?

Me: a big difference in that i would have never gotten to know you

Her: hah...yeah

Me: but when we first met, i didn't just like you because you were cute

Her: then what was it?

Me: we seemed to have alot in common..i dont even know what i was that drew me to you

Me: what 'it' was*

Me: and this is what i meant by what i was saying earlier...i had a feeling that if i told you what i was thinking, & you didn't feel the same, it'd end up leaving me vulnerable...

Me: and all that stuff you said about guys hitting on you and you're guy friends liking you, and you being there for me...i already knew all that

Me: you have no clue how hard this is for me, you really don't

Ok im done...for anyone who read all of that, much thanks...i needed to vent in the worst way, this was eating me up inside. For anyone who has any incite or advice, please let me know..im willing to hear it all. Thanks.

Markaz · 08-26-2003, 02:41 PM

Basically if you go for it and she DOESN'T want you, your friendship is gone. If she DOES want you though, good. Basically try and see how she reacts to you, judge if she feels the same way. Many ways is if you tell a joke and she sorta pushes pushes you, and her hand lingers on your shoulder, or if you talk about an activity and she sounds interested. Also, if she REALLY wants you and you say hey lets go see this movie, and she has already seen it yet she says she will see it again - you're in. Just see how it goes with her as a friend. Take her out to eat while shes not in a relationship and just talk. If she wants you she will make it known. Use common sense, and remember if you go for it and she doesn't want you - your friendship is shot.

"As of now i'd want nothing more than to become Sally's boyfriend, and if possible, her future husband."

....this makes me wonder about you...Usually if you've liked her for years, she will sorta know and she probobly would have gone after you years ago. If you want my honest opinion - you want her, she doesn't want you. You've been stuck on her for too long, get out and find someone else.

notslow · 08-26-2003, 02:52 PM

OK I'm no expert but, it sounds to me like she is interested to know how you feel about her. I would start to trust her a little more. If she is a true friend she will not hurt you when you let her know how you feel. You are only living a lie if you don't. And what is the worst that can happen? If she doesn't feel the same way, you will know. And if she does or is interested in the possibility of giving it a try then that's good too. On the other hand don't be in too much of a rush to jump right in. Be a friend to her first. If she just broke up with a long term relationship she is hurting. You are better off being her friend for now and letting her know sometime when it is right for her you would like to try to take the friendship to the next level. Just be carefull not to be the rebound guy.

It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

dragon2fire · 08-26-2003, 03:39 PM

danger will robison danger

been down this road b4 the line and i do wish you the best but the line is lets just be friends

slimshaydee · 08-26-2003, 05:43 PM

The question is, do you want her so much that you are willing to risk your friendship with her over it? Think about that. Ask yourself if you would rather have her as a friend, than not have her at all.

I've been down this road before, I asked out the chick and we dated for about 3 months, but after we broke up, we didn't remain friends and now I haven't seen her in 2 years.

rogue49 · 08-26-2003, 06:35 PM

Hey, you feel for her.

Question:
In ANY starting relationship with ANYONE, is it perfect?
or do you know what will happen, good or bad?

No.
Take it one step at a time, start slowly.
Push the friendship into a little more time together.
Push that time together into something more meaningful.
Push that into a hopeful relationship.
Push that into something special.

One follows the other.
If you push to fast, you just become a rebound as she fulfills her "needs", both emotional & perhaps physical.
If you don't push at all, then you'll always say "what if".

You don't have to "dive" into a relationship,
How about you just "wade" in?

Good luck.

anti fishstick · 08-26-2003, 07:05 PM

hmmm does this 'sally' alias have anything to do with the movie <i>when harry met sally</i>.

good movie. i just watched it last night.

i really feel for you. and it sounds like she might like you too.. i'm a girl and know that guys hit on me all the time as they do to any hot girl walking down the street. that's nothing special... to have a bond with a guy who really knows ME the real me with all my imperfections is incredible. what girl wouldn't want that? and i think it could reach past a platonic level if you let it. *shrugs* just go slow and try to feel her out.. be honest but not TOO honest. at least not all at once. if that makes sense. ooo and i'm all for the 'wade' toe-touching way of going about things. i never just dive in.

Ho-train · 08-26-2003, 09:27 PM

Man...

You guys are really a great help, i mean, everyones opinion is so valid and i take them all into account, i love it

Rogue49, i've seen you post in other threads and most of the things you wrote i never took into account. But reading what you just wrote really made me realize that things in the big picture just might end up the way I, and hopefully her, would like.

Slimyshaydee- Yea there was a point where i was willing to sacrifice our friendship to be with her. But i think that if i let things fall into place all will end up well. So long as im not too passive (or aggressive) about her, I think it just might work out.

Another thing, after i posted this thread, i ended up saying alot of things to her that i thought i wouldn't end up saying...and it felt good, damn good

Anyway, if anyone wants to know more about my relationship with "Sally" just PM me, i'll fill you in...and it'll make me feel special :-D

Many thanks again to everyone, and any more insight is appreciated and encouraged...post something even if you have little to say, it'll all help me out. This is something i've wanted to get off of my chest for quite some time and now that i've done it i feel great. Thanks everyone.

thalakos315 · 08-27-2003, 12:30 AM

even if you do tell her how you feel.. it doesn't neccesarily mean that your friendship is over.. really it just depends on how strong your friendship is to begin with
if she really values you and the friendship you have to offer.. then she will at least hear you out and your friendship will more than likely remain intact but most importantly.. you won't have anything to hide
and as for being vulnerable.. how much do you trust this girl? would she willingly harm you either emotionally or physically?
just because you've developed feelings for her doesn't neccesarily mean its the end of the world.. but it does mean you'll have to tread softly for a while..
if you two really are as close as i'm understanding you are.. then if she doesn't have an idea how you feel already.. then she sure as hell knows your uneasy or holding something back (women are good picking up on these types of things) and that will put a strain on your friendship regardless of how strong it is
as was mentioned earlyer she just came out of a serious relationship (which is enough to rattle anybody's nerves) and the last thing she needs is added stress.. unfortunatly though it seems no matter which way you go theres going to be at least a little.. so it might be wise to kind of ease into things.. but definetly i think you should at least let her know how you feel.. and let her take the next step if she so chooses
but regardless of what you do.. a person is infinetly fortunate if they find even 1 true friend in life.. so take care not to be one of the unlucky ones

(please forgive my lack of punctuation i could never get into the habit of using it.. tends to interrupt my train of thought and i end up spouting BS.. which i may be doing anyway)

Thraeryn · 08-27-2003, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ho-train
Me: its hard for me to open up Sally, its like, you have 100 guys who want you & dont even know you, but i want you because i know you

Her: so do you have something right now that you WANT to say?

Her: or do you not know how to say it?

This is her gunning for you. You're in her sights, you just have to stop scampering around like a fucking woodland creature trying to avoid being shot.

So what HAS happened? We tried to help you out, we're eager to hear how things're going!

Ho-train · 08-27-2003, 10:27 AM

Well after i told her how i felt everything went well and i feel like we connected on a better level.

If anyone is interested in the full story, just PM me and i'll send over the convo, i've been looking for someones 2nd opinion on it.

World's King · 08-27-2003, 12:04 PM

"Love" to being "In Love"

That the way it's supposed to work...

Unless your a heartless troll like me.

Thraeryn · 08-28-2003, 06:20 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by World's King
That the way it's supposed to work...
Unless your a heartless troll like me.

For us, it's something more along the lines of "sex -> love -> leave", I think. Though the woman I'm with now doesn't seem to understand this natural progression, and we're in some weird kind of "love + in love" state. Not used to it.

quadro2000 · 08-28-2003, 07:17 AM

As other people here have said: any time you open yourself up to a friend like that, there is a chance of getting hurt, and there is a chance of ruining the friendship. It happened to me once. We became friends again afterwards but it took time, and was never quite the same. That was sad. However, I have another friend who liked a close friend of his (they even hooked up a few times), but he backed away from starting a relationship because he didn't want to ruin the friendship. Well, now she's moved on, and their friendship is non-existent anyway.

The bottom line is that if you're really feeling these things, I think it's best to take the chance. It seems like she's interested in knowing. Keep us updated.

Altheus · 08-29-2003, 01:55 AM

In the exact same situation. Told her, broke down, she was okay... friendship was cool... got over her... ended up kissing several times since... friendship is cool...

it's really dependant on how strong the friendship is. She wont fuck off if you tell her, yeah she'll be weirded out, but if you take a time-out, it'll all be good. Dont let yourself fall in the trap of wearing yourself down. It slips into mild obsession, and that's a big problem. Keep yourself in check. Be mild with what you say, it's not lying it's just keeping it cool. Say you might want to try something, jump at the kiss if the opportunity strikes BUT DO NOT, I MEAN IT, DO NOT SAY YOU LOVE HER! That's the biggest no no. Say you maybe want to try something, that way it saves you embarassment, and her.

Play it cool, dont lie, just be mild.

Ho-train · 08-29-2003, 10:21 AM

Yea, i already went through the mild-obsession phase :-P

I'm pretty sure i got things under control right now...not in the sense that i could take her whenever i wanted, but in the sense that im not going to get over-emotional about our relationship. I'm going let to let time run its course and see how things end up after the semester is over. Thanks though, i'll keep it mild

08-26-2003, 02:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
Ho-train Crazy Location: The Big Apple, NY	can 'love' lead to being 'in love'? Here's the jist... I met a girl in 10th grade, we'll call her Sally...we've never dated, or hooked up. We became basically 'best friends' i guess you could say. Now, it just so happens that come 11th grade, she became a major hottie, with a sexual appetite that rivals aphrodite. So after introducing her to all my friends, they start oogling at her and eventually, she starts dating them and hooking up with some. This left me jealous, but i never said anything about it, and of course am regretting it now. Now im a sophomore in college. And Sally just got out of a very involved relationship with one of my childhood friends. She was in love and he broke up with her without reason, and for this she resents him, but at the same time wants him back. As of now, them getting back together is out of the question since Sally is at school a few states away. Amidst all her dating and boyfriends, Sally and I still remain very close. And as of lately I have been wondering if i should finally open up to her and tell her how i truly feel about her. We always tell eachother that we 'love' one another, but 'love' and being 'in love' are very seperate things. As of now i'd want nothing more than to become Sally's boyfriend, and if possible, her future husband. But thats being a bit hastey. Anyway, as we speak on IM right now, she keeps telling me that i should open up my heart to her & tell her how i feel. But i feel that if i do that it would just leave me so vulnerable. And if she doesn't feel the same way i do about us, then its just going to make me even more reluctant to open up to her, or any other woman i come in contact with. Now in the past, i have wrote her things that tell her how deeply i feel about her, but at the time i wrote them she always had a boyfriend. Now that she doesn't, i find it even harder for me to tell her that i love her, and that i want us to be together. But i can't tell if she wants the same thing, or something totally different, totally platonic(sp?). Here's an excerpt from our convo: Me: its like i want to say i love you, but the way i feel is greater (thats from a roots song, but i mean it) Me: its hard for me to open up Sally, its like, you have 100 guys who want you & dont even know you, but i want you because i know you Her: so do you have something right now that you WANT to say? Her: or do you not know how to say it? Me: does that make sense Her: Joe i understand that. but those guys that want me...are just guys hitting on me when i walk by...just like they hit on any girl who walks by. But the guys who REALLY want me...know me well & know the true person i am. I think it is because we have a bond unlike any other bonds guys have with their guy friends. i will be there for you through anything...when you want to talk or when something is bothering you. but i can also be a HUGE bitch... Her: i dont know what it is...but all of my friendships with guys turn into them wanting me....i honestly dont know what it is exactly. i mean derek what if i looked like rosie o'donnel....or sally struthers...that would make a big difference huh? Me: a big difference in that i would have never gotten to know you Her: hah...yeah Me: but when we first met, i didn't just like you because you were cute Her: then what was it? Me: we seemed to have alot in common..i dont even know what i was that drew me to you Me: what 'it' was* Me: and this is what i meant by what i was saying earlier...i had a feeling that if i told you what i was thinking, & you didn't feel the same, it'd end up leaving me vulnerable... Me: and all that stuff you said about guys hitting on you and you're guy friends liking you, and you being there for me...i already knew all that Me: you have no clue how hard this is for me, you really don't Ok im done...for anyone who read all of that, much thanks...i needed to vent in the worst way, this was eating me up inside. For anyone who has any incite or advice, please let me know..im willing to hear it all. Thanks. __________________ And for our next topic...The Clitoris! Nature's rubix cube...

08-26-2003, 02:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Markaz Tilted	Basically if you go for it and she DOESN'T want you, your friendship is gone. If she DOES want you though, good. Basically try and see how she reacts to you, judge if she feels the same way. Many ways is if you tell a joke and she sorta pushes pushes you, and her hand lingers on your shoulder, or if you talk about an activity and she sounds interested. Also, if she REALLY wants you and you say hey lets go see this movie, and she has already seen it yet she says she will see it again - you're in. Just see how it goes with her as a friend. Take her out to eat while shes not in a relationship and just talk. If she wants you she will make it known. Use common sense, and remember if you go for it and she doesn't want you - your friendship is shot. "As of now i'd want nothing more than to become Sally's boyfriend, and if possible, her future husband." ....this makes me wonder about you...Usually if you've liked her for years, she will sorta know and she probobly would have gone after you years ago. If you want my honest opinion - you want her, she doesn't want you. You've been stuck on her for too long, get out and find someone else. __________________ Tu madre está muy sabrosa

08-26-2003, 06:35 PM	#6 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	Hey, you feel for her. Question: In ANY starting relationship with ANYONE, is it perfect? or do you know what will happen, good or bad? No. Take it one step at a time, start slowly. Push the friendship into a little more time together. Push that time together into something more meaningful. Push that into a hopeful relationship. Push that into something special. One follows the other. If you push to fast, you just become a rebound as she fulfills her "needs", both emotional & perhaps physical. If you don't push at all, then you'll always say "what if". You don't have to "dive" into a relationship, How about you just "wade" in? Good luck. Last edited by rogue49; 08-26-2003 at 06:38 PM..

08-26-2003, 07:05 PM	#7 (permalink)
anti fishstick Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash Location: oregon	hmmm does this 'sally' alias have anything to do with the movie <i>when harry met sally</i>. good movie. i just watched it last night. i really feel for you. and it sounds like she might like you too.. i'm a girl and know that guys hit on me all the time as they do to any hot girl walking down the street. that's nothing special... to have a bond with a guy who really knows ME the real me with all my imperfections is incredible. what girl wouldn't want that? and i think it could reach past a platonic level if you let it. shrugs just go slow and try to feel her out.. be honest but not TOO honest. at least not all at once. if that makes sense. ooo and i'm all for the 'wade' toe-touching way of going about things. i never just dive in. __________________ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

08-26-2003, 09:27 PM	#8 (permalink)
Ho-train Crazy Location: The Big Apple, NY	Man... You guys are really a great help, i mean, everyones opinion is so valid and i take them all into account, i love it Rogue49, i've seen you post in other threads and most of the things you wrote i never took into account. But reading what you just wrote really made me realize that things in the big picture just might end up the way I, and hopefully her, would like. Slimyshaydee- Yea there was a point where i was willing to sacrifice our friendship to be with her. But i think that if i let things fall into place all will end up well. So long as im not too passive (or aggressive) about her, I think it just might work out. Another thing, after i posted this thread, i ended up saying alot of things to her that i thought i wouldn't end up saying...and it felt good, damn good Anyway, if anyone wants to know more about my relationship with "Sally" just PM me, i'll fill you in...and it'll make me feel special :-D Many thanks again to everyone, and any more insight is appreciated and encouraged...post something even if you have little to say, it'll all help me out. This is something i've wanted to get off of my chest for quite some time and now that i've done it i feel great. Thanks everyone. __________________ And for our next topic...The Clitoris! Nature's rubix cube... Last edited by Ho-train; 08-26-2003 at 09:30 PM..

08-26-2003, 02:52 PM	#3 (permalink)
notslow Upright	OK I'm no expert but, it sounds to me like she is interested to know how you feel about her. I would start to trust her a little more. If she is a true friend she will not hurt you when you let her know how you feel. You are only living a lie if you don't. And what is the worst that can happen? If she doesn't feel the same way, you will know. And if she does or is interested in the possibility of giving it a try then that's good too. On the other hand don't be in too much of a rush to jump right in. Be a friend to her first. If she just broke up with a long term relationship she is hurting. You are better off being her friend for now and letting her know sometime when it is right for her you would like to try to take the friendship to the next level. Just be carefull not to be the rebound guy. It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

08-26-2003, 03:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
dragon2fire Junkie	danger will robison danger been down this road b4 the line and i do wish you the best but the line is lets just be friends

08-26-2003, 05:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
slimshaydee If you've read this, PM me and say so Location: Sitting on my ass, and you?	The question is, do you want her so much that you are willing to risk your friendship with her over it? Think about that. Ask yourself if you would rather have her as a friend, than not have her at all. I've been down this road before, I asked out the chick and we dated for about 3 months, but after we broke up, we didn't remain friends and now I haven't seen her in 2 years.

08-27-2003, 12:30 AM	#9 (permalink)
thalakos315 Tilted	even if you do tell her how you feel.. it doesn't neccesarily mean that your friendship is over.. really it just depends on how strong your friendship is to begin with if she really values you and the friendship you have to offer.. then she will at least hear you out and your friendship will more than likely remain intact but most importantly.. you won't have anything to hide and as for being vulnerable.. how much do you trust this girl? would she willingly harm you either emotionally or physically? just because you've developed feelings for her doesn't neccesarily mean its the end of the world.. but it does mean you'll have to tread softly for a while.. if you two really are as close as i'm understanding you are.. then if she doesn't have an idea how you feel already.. then she sure as hell knows your uneasy or holding something back (women are good picking up on these types of things) and that will put a strain on your friendship regardless of how strong it is as was mentioned earlyer she just came out of a serious relationship (which is enough to rattle anybody's nerves) and the last thing she needs is added stress.. unfortunatly though it seems no matter which way you go theres going to be at least a little.. so it might be wise to kind of ease into things.. but definetly i think you should at least let her know how you feel.. and let her take the next step if she so chooses but regardless of what you do.. a person is infinetly fortunate if they find even 1 true friend in life.. so take care not to be one of the unlucky ones (please forgive my lack of punctuation i could never get into the habit of using it.. tends to interrupt my train of thought and i end up spouting BS.. which i may be doing anyway)

08-27-2003, 10:27 AM	#11 (permalink)
Ho-train Crazy Location: The Big Apple, NY	Well after i told her how i felt everything went well and i feel like we connected on a better level. If anyone is interested in the full story, just PM me and i'll send over the convo, i've been looking for someones 2nd opinion on it. __________________ And for our next topic...The Clitoris! Nature's rubix cube...

08-27-2003, 12:04 PM	#12 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	"Love" to being "In Love" That the way it's supposed to work... Unless your a heartless troll like me. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

08-28-2003, 07:17 AM	#14 (permalink)
quadro2000 All Possibility, Made Of Custard Location: New York, NY	As other people here have said: any time you open yourself up to a friend like that, there is a chance of getting hurt, and there is a chance of ruining the friendship. It happened to me once. We became friends again afterwards but it took time, and was never quite the same. That was sad. However, I have another friend who liked a close friend of his (they even hooked up a few times), but he backed away from starting a relationship because he didn't want to ruin the friendship. Well, now she's moved on, and their friendship is non-existent anyway. The bottom line is that if you're really feeling these things, I think it's best to take the chance. It seems like she's interested in knowing. Keep us updated. __________________ You have to laugh at yourself...because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. - Emily Saliers

08-29-2003, 01:55 AM	#15 (permalink)
Altheus Upright	In the exact same situation. Told her, broke down, she was okay... friendship was cool... got over her... ended up kissing several times since... friendship is cool... it's really dependant on how strong the friendship is. She wont fuck off if you tell her, yeah she'll be weirded out, but if you take a time-out, it'll all be good. Dont let yourself fall in the trap of wearing yourself down. It slips into mild obsession, and that's a big problem. Keep yourself in check. Be mild with what you say, it's not lying it's just keeping it cool. Say you might want to try something, jump at the kiss if the opportunity strikes BUT DO NOT, I MEAN IT, DO NOT SAY YOU LOVE HER! That's the biggest no no. Say you maybe want to try something, that way it saves you embarassment, and her. Play it cool, dont lie, just be mild.

08-29-2003, 10:21 AM	#16 (permalink)
Ho-train Crazy Location: The Big Apple, NY	Yea, i already went through the mild-obsession phase :-P I'm pretty sure i got things under control right now...not in the sense that i could take her whenever i wanted, but in the sense that im not going to get over-emotional about our relationship. I'm going let to let time run its course and see how things end up after the semester is over. Thanks though, i'll keep it mild __________________ And for our next topic...The Clitoris! Nature's rubix cube...