Here's the jist...
I met a girl in 10th grade, we'll call her Sally...we've never dated, or hooked up. We became basically 'best friends' i guess you could say. Now, it just so happens that come 11th grade, she became a major hottie, with a sexual appetite that rivals aphrodite. So after introducing her to all my friends, they start oogling at her and eventually, she starts dating them and hooking up with some. This left me jealous, but i never said anything about it, and of course am regretting it now.
Now im a sophomore in college. And Sally just got out of a very involved relationship with one of my childhood friends. She was in love and he broke up with her without reason, and for this she resents him, but at the same time wants him back. As of now, them getting back together is out of the question since Sally is at school a few states away. Amidst all her dating and boyfriends, Sally and I still remain very close. And as of lately I have been wondering if i should finally open up to her and tell her how i truly feel about her. We always tell eachother that we 'love' one another, but 'love' and being 'in love' are very seperate things.
As of now i'd want nothing more than to become Sally's boyfriend, and if possible, her future husband. But thats being a bit hastey.
Anyway, as we speak on IM right now, she keeps telling me that i should open up my heart to her & tell her how i feel. But i feel that if i do that it would just leave me so vulnerable. And if she doesn't feel the same way i do about us, then its just going to make me even more reluctant to open up to her, or any other woman i come in contact with.
Now in the past, i have wrote her things that tell her how deeply i feel about her, but at the time i wrote them she always had a boyfriend. Now that she doesn't, i find it even harder for me to tell her that i love her, and that i want us to be together. But i can't tell if she wants the same thing, or something totally different, totally platonic(sp?).
Here's an excerpt from our convo:
Me: its like i want to say i love you, but the way i feel is greater (thats from a roots song, but i mean it)
Me: its hard for me to open up Sally, its like, you have 100 guys who want you & dont even know you, but i want you because i know you
Her: so do you have something right now that you WANT to say?
Her: or do you not know how to say it?
Me: does that make sense
Her: Joe i understand that. but those guys that want me...are just guys hitting on me when i walk by...just like they hit on any girl who walks by. But the guys who REALLY want me...know me well & know the true person i am. I think it is because we have a bond unlike any other bonds guys have with their guy friends. i will be there for you through anything...when you want to talk or when something is bothering you. but i can also be a HUGE bitch...
Her: i dont know what it is...but all of my friendships with guys turn into them wanting me....i honestly dont know what it is exactly. i mean derek what if i looked like rosie o'donnel....or sally struthers...that would make a big difference huh?
Me: a big difference in that i would have never gotten to know you
Her: hah...yeah
Me: but when we first met, i didn't just like you because you were cute
Her: then what was it?
Me: we seemed to have alot in common..i dont even know what i was that drew me to you
Me: what 'it' was*
Me: and this is what i meant by what i was saying earlier...i had a feeling that if i told you what i was thinking, & you didn't feel the same, it'd end up leaving me vulnerable...
Me: and all that stuff you said about guys hitting on you and you're guy friends liking you, and you being there for me...i already knew all that
Me: you have no clue how hard this is for me, you really don't
Ok im done...for anyone who read all of that, much thanks...i needed to vent in the worst way, this was eating me up inside. For anyone who has any incite or advice, please let me know..im willing to hear it all. Thanks.