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08-06-2003, 07:48 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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expressing feelings towards the ex inappropriate?
i've got somewhat of a weird question.
let's say that a guy and girl have been dating a while, like 4-5 years. they break up. well, the guy finds someone new, and he's happy with the new girl. But, he's still friends with his ex. Now, it's obvious that no matter what happens, the guy and his ex are going to be more-than-friends, or at the very least, not typical friends, right? I think that it's perfectly normal to have special feelings for someone you used to date; after all unless the person has totally changed there's still something that attracts you to them. Of course, you don't want to date the person any more but there's still something mild there. Well, dating someone for several years will have an affect on one's life. It's inevitable. Some times when the guy and the ex are talking, he'll say he loves her. Now, please don't misunderstand: He's not in love with the ex. He doesn't want to date the ex. He doesn't want anything romantic with the ex any more. When he says "I love you" to the ex he means it like a sisterly type of love. Like the way you tell your mom you love her. Well the guy's new girlfriend doesn't really understand this. She understands that feelings linger, and that it's possible to care deeply about someone like that, but objects to the guy telling his ex that he loves the ex. She thinks that saying "I love you" is something you only do to the person you romantically love. Of course, saying it to parents, etc. is different. She also thinks the guy isn't helping the ex get over him either. If the guy and ex hang out often, even though nothing romantic happens, and he tells her he loves her, well the girlfriend thinks that sends the ex mixed signals. The guy's even spoken to the ex about it; and the ex knows that it's a sisterly kind of love, and not romantic. So in this situation, what do you think? Should the guy cut it out? Is the new girlfriend pissed off about nothing? What if the roles were reversed? Any thoughts welcome.
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I:IV:XV Last edited by daoist; 08-06-2003 at 10:00 PM.. |
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08-06-2003, 08:46 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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okay, so i guess the guy is crossing the line a little bit. shouldn't the new girlfriend be a little more understanding and be willing to give in a little? She's being a little unreasonable asking for him to stop expressing his feelings.
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08-06-2003, 10:39 PM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: Vordingborg, Denmark
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Exes are bad for you mmkay ..
I don't speak to _any_ of my exes for longer periods of time cause of the same reason. Yes, i stop on the street to ask how things are. No, i wouldn't do anything else then this. I'm against being good friends with my exes, for my own and my relationsship's protection ..
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08-06-2003, 10:51 PM
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#6 (permalink) |
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Fluxing wildly...
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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Why the hell do people always make up "hypothetical situations"? Why can't you just say "My girlfriend doesn't like me seeing my ex" instead of "so this guy's girlfriend...."?
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flux (n.) Medicine. The discharge of large quantities of fluid material from the body, especially the discharge of watery feces from the intestines. |
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08-07-2003, 03:37 AM
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#9 (permalink) |
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Tilted
Location: UK
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I dunno, I think I'd go with the original poster and say that the girlfriend is over-reacting a bit.
Sure it's possible to have a deep bond between two people that isn't romantic, and it's perfectly natural to still have a connection to someone with whom you spent a good portion of your life. It seems a shame to throw away a working friendship and all that history, so full credit for maintaining a bond with the ex. Perhaps saying 'I love you' is a bit rash, and should be unnecessary, really. The girlfriend obviously has a different perspective: the ex is a threat and competitor. However, if there's any trust and if she put herself in the same position she should see that this is a natural thing to do and really not dangerous - that is, if the man and the ex are both 100% that this is just a deep friendship. People seem to forget that love is just a perfection of a type of attachment, and that people don't just have loyalty to their partner: family, friends, ex-partners, workmates and so on all have their own bonds with you and demand their own loyalty. If your partner can't deal with that, then I think it's their problem. Just my two pennies, though. |
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08-07-2003, 08:56 PM
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#10 (permalink) |
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Guest
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Girls won't see it that way, but I often think about my ex's and still have fond feelings for them (not to mention I still think they're hot).
You're not completely alone, but I think that you're unrealistic if you think women won't mind that kind of attitude towards an ex. |
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08-08-2003, 01:27 AM
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#12 (permalink) |
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Tilted
Location: Sydney, Australia
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OK, I'm in a similar situation myself except that neither of us have a sig. other at this point in time. We were together for 3.5 years but the last year was really not a gf/bf relationship but more that of good friends who hugged in bed (no sex for the last 8 months - how stupid was I). Anyway, we're still really good friends and I can't see that changing unless he gets a jealous girlfriend or I get a jealous boyfriend. We've spoken about it and agreed that our behaviour towards each other would necessarily have to alter in that instance.
While it's easy to say that the girlfriend in the above mentioned scenario is just being jealous, the guy has to realise that of course she's going to be insecure about this woman he has been intimate with for so long and who is now really good friends with. Either encourage the girls to spend some time together so the gf can see she is not a threat or just back off for the sake of your new gf until the ex gets herself a S.O. Hopefully the ex will understand this situation and allow a bit of distance so you can cement your relationship with the new gf. If however she is jealous of all your relationships with members of the opposite sex, or can't understand being friends with someone of the opposite sex, or stays insecure and wants to control all your female interaction .. DUMP her! Makes for an easier life and who wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them! (callous I know but what the hey!) |
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08-08-2003, 06:47 PM
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#13 (permalink) |
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Dopefish
Location: the 'Ville
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Dude, are you talking about me? Thats very close to my personal situation. Though my gf knows me and the ex are just friends, she doesnt have much of an issues though the thought lingers. My ex has lots of issues, and Im the only one that really understands them. I cant bring myself to cut her off completely, mainly because I dont want to hurt her. She is the ex, so certain things are just off limits.
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If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. |
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08-08-2003, 07:45 PM
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#15 (permalink) |
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He's My Girl
Location: The Champagne Douche
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Ex-wife I understand, especially if kids are involved. However, to expect your new girlfriend to sit idly by while you still interact with your ex-girlfriend in such a manner will lead to your new girlfriend soon becoming your ex-girlfriend too.
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The fortunes of war favored Hrothgar. |
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08-08-2003, 09:40 PM
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#16 (permalink) |
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Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash
Location: oregon
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i was somewhat in this situation. i wasn't really 'the girlfriend'. because it was a more-than-friends relationship that was supposed to be non-commit. but.. hearing about the ex (their relationship was 3 years.. a total of 6 years knowing eachother) was very intimidating to me. to have someone, other than yourself, (who, as "the girlfriend", is supposed to be the guy's "one and only", most important thing in his life.. in an ideal situation anyway) be so important to your SO is -very- intimidating.
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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin |
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