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Old 03-27-2011, 11:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I'm a mess, what do I do?

So last night my girlfriend of two years confesses to me that she got on a stripper pole with her coworker friend and took off all her clothes. She assured me she did not cheat and I believe her with regards to that, but I don't know how to feel now.

-- A bit of back story

She's recently began interning at her new job and was invited out by her coworker for the first time since working there so she did not want to pass this up. It was meant to be a girl-bonding experience of sorts which is why I was not present. I've known this girl for eleven years as we were friends for nine years before we began dating. Needless to say I love her with every ounce of my being. She was the one and I have no qualms about saying that as I've dated a good share of girls in the past, but none of those relationships were like this.

We shared interests in comedy (Louis CK), music, video games, television (Firefly/Futurama for Christ's sake), food, etc. You name it, we shared an interest. Even more importantly was our sexual compatibility if you want to call it that. The best sex of my life was spent with this girl. Anyways, this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. While she didn't cheat on me, she did put her body on display for a bunch of strange men in a drunken stupor with her vile coworker. This may sound silly to some of you, but her body is now less special to me. Knowing that she's not my girl and that others have seen it cheapens the experience for me. I can't even believe I'm typing that out -- I must sound like a conservative Muslim or something, but I'm just your average techie atheist.

I've spoken to several close friends about the situation and they all tell me that, ultimately, I need to make the decision. I've weighed both choices and I can't find solace in either. If I dump her I'll be losing my best friend and essentially throwing away the past decade of dating and friendship with this girl. If I try to work things out and give her another chance I'll feel like a chump. I also don't want to have to worry or babysit her whenever she's out on her own. I don't want to be that guy. To make matters worse she drove out to the pier last night and contemplated suicide. Stunt or not, I reconciled her and told her we'd talk about it in the morning. Well, I slept on it and I'm still undecided.

Gentlemen of TFP, in my shoes, what would you do or what do you think I should do if you were in my situation? For now I'm going to take this a day a time. If it's relevant, we're both 25.

Update:

Thanks for all the responses guys and girls, you really helped out with insightful advice. Everything is MUCH better today. We talked about what happened last night and just aired out our feelings. In the end I'll chalk this up to being a slip up. It's not worth losing her over this even though it does sting to know what she did, but at least she didn't cheat and has no intention to do so. Kudos for the 38 special hold on loosely lyric, I'll keep that in mind. To answer some questions, no she was not my first nor was I hers, so other people have seen her naked before. Ultimately, I decided to forgive her and take it a day at a time. I let her know exactly how I felt, but told her I would never mention it past today so as to not keep bringing it up in the future (something I learned to not do from a past relationship). I don't want to hold this over her head and use it as a get out of jail free card to retaliate -- I don't want to be that guy. She's a great girl and I'm hoping this was just a bump in the road.

Last edited by bitsoda; 03-27-2011 at 07:51 PM..
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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pfft.. i'm still trying to word my response to you without putting you off.

you're nuts if you let her go. It's that simple. If you really are asking a bunch of internet folks whether you should keep your soulmate or not for what may or may not be a indiscretion, maybe she's not your soulmate afterall.

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Old 03-27-2011, 11:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
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No, thank you for being the first person to give a direct response. That's what I'm feelin in my heart, I just needed to hear it from someone else.
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome to TFP, Bitsoda.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bitsoda View Post
So last night my girlfriend of two years confesses to me that she got on a stripper pole with her coworker friend and took off all her clothes. She assured me she did not cheat and I believe her with regards to that, but I don't know how to feel now.
Do you really believe that she didn't cheat or is there some part of you that thinks she let some dude do her nasty? Is this the whole story? I'm not saying you're a liar or anything, but I just want to be clear that this whole incident was based on some Girls Gone Wild activity and not some strapping young buck named Russell.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bitsoda
She's recently began interning at her new job and was invited out by her coworker for the first time since working there so she did not want to pass this up. It was meant to be a girl-bonding experience of sorts which is why I was not present. I've known this girl for eleven years as we were friends for nine years before we began dating. Needless to say I love her with every ounce of my being. She was the one and I have no qualms about saying that as I've dated a good share of girls in the past, but none of those relationships were like this.
Hmm. Tell us more about this sleazy coworker and your girl's relationship with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bitsoda
We shared interests in comedy (Louis CK), music, video games, television (Firefly/Futurama for Christ's sake), food, etc. You name it, we shared an interest. Even more importantly was our sexual compatibility if you want to call it that. The best sex of my life was spent with this girl. Anyways, this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. While she didn't cheat on me, she did put her body on display for a bunch of strange men in a drunken stupor with her vile coworker. This may sound silly to some of you, but her body is now less special to me. Knowing that she's not my girl and that others have seen it cheapens the experience for me. I can't even believe I'm typing that out -- I must sound like a conservative Muslim or something, but I'm just your average techie atheist.
Let's talk about why you feel like her body is less special to you because others have seen it now. If your woman is a super hottie and is confident enough to show it to other people, shouldn't you be proud to have her? While exhibitionism to this degree is hardly what I'd call normal, it's part of the reason why Caribbean resorts where 40-something white women run around topless in thongs are so popular.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bitsoda
I've spoken to several close friends about the situation and they all tell me that, ultimately, I need to make the decision. I've weighed both choices and I can't find solace in either. If I dump her I'll be losing my best friend and essentially throwing away the past decade of dating and friendship with this girl. If I try to work things out and give her another chance I'll feel like a chump. I also don't want to have to worry or babysit her whenever she's out on her own. I don't want to be that guy. To make matters worse she drove out to the pier last night and contemplated suicide. Stunt or not, I reconciled her and told her we'd talk about it in the morning. Well, I slept on it and I'm still undecided.
Have you talked to her about her motivation for doing this? What was her side of the story? When/how did she tell you?

The whole suicide thing is a major problem. If you don't doubt that "she's the one" and that she loves you, don't be a dick.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bitsoda
Gentlemen of TFP, in my shoes, what would you do or what do you think I should do if you were in my situation?
Probably jizz in my pants. And then have sex with her and tell her how hot she is and how lucky I am to be the one that has her.

...

Bitsoda, I get where you're coming from. I really do. How could she strip stark nekkid in front of drunken (and horny) strangers and flaunt what only you get to see? "No, that's mine!" Hell, when I was younger I was super overprotective of my girlfriends, too. I didn't like them mentioning their former lovers... hell, I didn't like them talking to other guys because I felt it was competition. I let go of all that drama and decided that I'm going to be the best partner I can and expect the same from them. 38 Special, those Southern Rock gods, had it right, man... hold on loosely. If you're not okay with your girlfriend flashing her tits at random truck drivers for a laugh, you should probably reexamine how short life is and how that if you've really found "the one" that you know they won't do you wrong. Enjoy your youth together, enjoy your sexuality together... that shit is gone in a heartbeat.

...

Dlish is also full of shit. He's hardly a conservative Muslim. He's a radical fundamentalist. I barely escaped our one encounter.

...

I look forward to your response.
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Last edited by Plan9; 03-27-2011 at 12:05 PM..
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bitsoda View Post
That's what I'm feelin in my heart, I just needed to hear it from someone else.
If your heart is telling you that you need to dump her, your heart is stupid.

Did she get off on stripping? Apparently not. In that case, she should be equally mad at you for being seen naked in the locker room at the gym.

I'll admit, this isn't the coolest move I've heard of a girlfriend making, but unless there are major problems already, this doesn't strike me as break-up material. If there are other straws, that's something different, but you've made it a point to tell us that there aren't.

Chalk it up to a drunken mistake. Or just a plain old mistake. You've made those, haven't you?
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Old 03-27-2011, 12:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for the responses guys. Right now I'm going to play some flag football and grab Chipotle with her. I'll post later tonight with updates.
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Old 03-27-2011, 01:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Drunken fun with a girls' night out... I know you asked for men's perspective, but I feel inclined to share mine anyway. Considering your unsure response, she probably hesitated to tell you about this experience. She sounds like a great woman, one that is worth your trust and emotional support. She walked away from that liberating night, still in love with you. It sounds like she isn't terribly interested in doing it again. Now it's time for you to move beyond your personal insecurities (that's what it sounds like to me, at least) and realize this strikingly beautiful woman loves YOU.
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Old 03-27-2011, 02:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Sorry, another lady responding, but I think it's valuable to have both sexes respond since it's not a same sex couple.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bitsoda View Post
This may sound silly to some of you, but her body is now less special to me. Knowing that she's not my girl and that others have seen it cheapens the experience for me.
Was she a virgin when the two of you got together? If she wasn't, someone has seen her naked already...and was more intimate with her than the guys watching her strip. Sorry to bring it up, but she's a grown woman....I assume. If she's not, well we're in a whole new place.

Also, she's not YOUR girl. She doesn't belong to anyone. Seeing the way you are referring to her makes it sound like your possession. There may be other things you need to address.

Stripping may not be about pleasing men. Some women think it's powerful. It has been debated, but sex has been said to be women's number one weapon. Publicly stripping could have been something she has wanted to do.

Whatever it is you need to talk to her. She was honest with you about the stripping, you should be honest with her how you feel.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan9 View Post
She probably tastes like cheap beer and smells like a jockstrap.
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Old 03-27-2011, 03:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm still wondering What the Hell she was drinking that made her dance nekkid on a stripper pole in front of strangers !!!!!!

LOL. Okay...resume the serious part of this discussion. Oh and I agree with all of the above folks.
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Old 03-27-2011, 04:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I think the jumping off the pier attempt is the more important thing here. Why would she even joke about that? Is it to control you or is she so worried about making you mad that she would end her life?

Anyways, go to a nudist beach or strip club sometime. She doesn't have anything special that millions of other girls have. I doubt that anyone there even would remember her a week later, except for her co-worker.

And unless you are going after very conservative Muslim or Mormon women, you aren't going to have an easy time finding someone who hasn't done a few wild things. It was spring break last week...

Last edited by ASU2003; 03-27-2011 at 09:54 PM..
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Old 03-27-2011, 05:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I had to reread your post, bitsoda, because the first time I read it, it was in Philip J. Fry's voice.

She clearly regrets what she did and she didn't cheat on you. Surprise her with her favorite dinner and your heartfelt promise that you're going to forget all about it and you love her deeply.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Say what? I'm lost. Nearly suicidal one minute and down with flag football and McDonald's version of Mexican food the next?

Uhhh... I don't know, guys. Back when I was young and all the kids were suicidal, it didn't usually wear off that quickly.
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Last edited by Plan9; 03-27-2011 at 08:20 PM..
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Old 03-27-2011, 09:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I was trying to have as normal a day as possible with her. I thought it was a dumb idea at first, but everything turned out alright.

---------- Post added at 05:03 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:02 AM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Willravel View Post
I had to reread your post, bitsoda, because the first time I read it, it was in Philip J. Fry's voice.

She clearly regrets what she did and she didn't cheat on you. Surprise her with her favorite dinner and your heartfelt promise that you're going to forget all about it and you love her deeply.
Lol, I am guilty of this when proofreading my own posts, as well. Sometimes I'll switch it up to Professor Farnsworth.
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Old 03-28-2011, 05:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Is it just me who thinks bitsoda is WAAAYY off base here? There simply is no issue with respect to her. He doesn't own her, her life, or her body. She has freely chosen to share those with him, and to be part of each other's lives. She didn't agree (as far as I know) to subject herself to his control. What she did wasn't cheating and maybe not even inappropriate.

If you cannot handle THIS level of behaviour from your girlfriend, then this and and every other relationship you have is pretty much doomed. She's an ADULT. She gets to decide what legal things she wants to do. Granted this was a drunken escapade, and she may never want to do that again, but your reaction that somehow she has cheapened herself and your relationship speaks to a controlling nature that is going to damage all your relationships.

Let it go and apologise to her.
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Old 03-28-2011, 06:11 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I enjoy it when my girlfriend goes on a girls night out scantily clad and dancing on a stripper pole for a bunch of strange men to oogle.

I don't think it is out of line for bitsoda to feel uneasy or unhappy with her behavior, especially since it does not seem like their relationship is as open or alternative as some other peoples' partnerships. If they had met in a strip club, or participate in S&M, or do some kinky stuff that couples do, then such behavior may be implicitly okay. However, my impression of Bitsoda and his gf is that they have a slightly more conservative relationship.

Bitsoda, if you don't like this behavior, then say so. No, I don't think you should leave her, and yes, I think you guys should really talk about it. In addition, I would be wary of her co-worker. I had a really good friend who became a girlfriend, but due to her parents' divorce wanted to sleep around. She would get really really drunk and bounce between me and another guy. She would also go to strip joints with her friends' on 'adventures' and stay out all night. I was really uncomfortable with that behavior, and ended up leaving her so that she could be with the other guy.

I'm a guy, so I'm out of my lane here, but I got the impression from some girls that they wanted to strip. I think there's empowerment in flexing ones' sexuality. However, that your girlfriend then wanted to commit suicide (really?) rings some alarm bells in my head.

Anyway, hope it all works out. Good relationships are a rare thing and worth holding on to, even in rocky times.
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Last edited by KirStang; 03-28-2011 at 06:18 AM..
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Old 03-28-2011, 05:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
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When did women's bodies start belonging to anyone other than themselves?
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:39 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Seriously, Lunx? Alright... I mean, KirStang gets that side... but I'll rephrase it for the good of the thread.

Here's the thing as far as I see it:

Exclusivity and reputation are two issues in relationships that have to deal with your partner's naked body.

Exclusivity is an amorphous concept that states, "Only my partner gets to see/fondle/fuck My Goodies." I'd say it's pretty common.

Reputation is an amorphous concept that states, "Being naked/acting lewd in public may negatively effect my future at some point."

...

Another important variable is the Nutjob Factor:

The Nutjob Factor states that a partner, after a certain period of time, should be pretty predictable and not deviate from their normal behaviors.

...

More basic math:

Relationships are based on a mutual understanding of standard behaviors and life goals--all that happy Dr. Phil horseshit, right? The issue here isn't that old girl was shaking her delicious jumblies at three dozen Earls, but that she was doing it without Fry knowing. Fry, for the reasons listed above, reacted negatively. He wasn't on the same page with her as far as exclusivity, reputation and doesn't appear to have anticipated the Nutjob Factor in her.

All this shit about not owning someone's body? Get real.

...

Mmmm... after rereading the thread: Is this another subtle male-bashing TFP thread where it's okay girls to show their tits to everybody at any time regardless of relationship status but not okay for me to flash my turgid womb-stabber to some woman at Mardi Gras? Say it isn't so. That's just sad.
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Last edited by Plan9; 03-28-2011 at 08:50 PM..
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:45 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan9 View Post
Seriously, Lunx? Alright... I mean, KirStang gets that side... but I'll rephrase it for the good of the thread.

Here's the thing as far as I see it:

Exclusivity and reputation are two issues in relationships that have to deal with your partner's naked body.

Exclusivity is an amorphous concept that states, "Only my partner gets to see/fondle/fuck My Goodies." I'd say it's pretty common.

Reputation is an amorphous concept that states, "Being naked/acting lewd in public may negatively effect my future at some point."

...

Another important variable is the Nutjob Factor:

The Nutjob Factor states that a partner, after a certain period of time, should be pretty predictable and not deviate from their normal behaviors.

...

More basic math:

Relationships are based on mutual understandings of standards for behavior and life goals and all that happy Dr. Phil horseshit, right?

The issue here isn't that old girl was shaking her delicious jumblies at three dozen Earls, but that she was doing it without Fry knowing.
Pretty much this. I understand why some of the feminist posts take issue with what I refer to as 'mine', but it's not so much a possession issue as it is a mutually-agreed upon exclusivity issue. She literally told me three days prior that her body 'was mine only' so you can understand why I'd be taken for a loop. Hope that clears things up.
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:55 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Hey! Stop quoting my shit before I'm done editing the post 14,387 times!
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Old 04-18-2011, 08:56 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:09 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Maybe one question to ask her is did she strip for her gf, the guys, or sor her own pleasure? Has she offered to strip for you?

If you really love her AND if she really loves you, don't mess it up. Work through it with her.
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