Anonymous Member

On the whole it is perhaps pointless for me to use the anon option as due to inarticulate style and my own version of logic it seems always obvious to everyone who I am anyway, but I suppose it might be possible to just go along with this.

So, on a recentnight I went for some drinks for a mates birthday. While there, I met someone. Lets just say a friend of a friend. Or more accurately one might say a relation of a friend. From my friends view of I understand her to be unreliable, over dramatic, selfish, irresponsible, etc. (they dont get along)

My own biased view having known her a short time is that she is certainly over dramatic, and at least self involved if not selfish. I am not being elitist or anything, I realise I am no catch - I'm fat, scar faced, gloomy, insecure, have little self esteem, etc etc...

Anyway, to get back to the matter - there are many reasons that I wouldnt date this person

ie

She lives more than 100 miles away
We probably arent compatible: She would find me frustrating due to my insular nature, I would find her annying because of her overly extrovert one.
The "mutual friend" connection

But with one thing and another, on Saturday night things happened and basically this was a sexual experience really unlike anything I have ever had, actually beyond anything I ever could imagine of. I am not going to go into details or try to come over as some kind of a pervert, of course nothing with was filthy or revolting happened. I really dont think it is necessary to go into the details anyway to consider this question.

I would just say that physically, and the excitement of the... events... was pretty incredible. I mean, physically my reaction was the same but more than I have ever had. I dont think any more details are necessary. I think that it was enjoyable also for her, she carried on as if it was anyway.
_

Is it right to have a relationship that can be based only on sex?

Should you attempt to make a normal relationship based on only incredible sexual experience if you just arent the kind of people who will get on on an emotional/normal life level?

Or can you openly just be "mates" and have also sex? Do real people do things like this? Is it possible to be completely unconnected from your feelings which it is not just a one night thing?

I know in TV shows or films there are ideas like "fuck buddies", but I am talking about real events really happening, not made up TV shows.

On the one hand it seems like I should just go for it.

On the other hand, it seems like also I should do this, but that it will surely end in bad feelings.

MeltedMetalGlob

Just answering this off the top of my head, I've known quite a handful of people that could have been in similar situations and decided not to go further with it- and down the road, I have to listen to them complain about how they made a mistake.

Just take the usual precautions and have fun for a while. Why not?

I say go for it and enjoy the ride. (no pun intended)


Naturally, you should hear the other side of the discussion before making your decision, but that's my stance on it.

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How's your mom, Ed?

spindles

I haven't ever done it and I suspect I'd feel bad about it. I can't answer for you how you'd feel about it, but I have trouble separating sex and intimacy/relationships.

On the other hand, you don't know that you aren't compatible, except in the musings in your brain. There is nothing to stop you investigating interactions and see where they go.

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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

Craven Morehead

If you're up front and honest with her and she wants the same, then why not? If she wants a relationship and you just want a fuck buddy, then not so much.

Plan9

There have been numerous threads on TFP about "FWB" and "fuck buddies." You've been at TFP for a hot minute and have probably seen them.

If the OP wasn't blatantly obvious, I'd put out a nice long APA format dissertation on how to engage in such a relationship, but... let's get real.

Instead, I'll simply rehash the basic premise of a "fuck buddy" relationship:

- It's just sex (don't get attached emotionally, financially, etc.)
- Excessive safe sex methods unless exclusive (read: excessive safe sex methods even when exclusive)
- You don't care if the other person is fucking other people
- You have to be able to drop it Robert DeNiro's mantra in Heat
- Don't fuck someone at work unless you like it awkward
- Don't fuck friends of friends unless you like it awkward

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

citadel

Based on this description of her, it sounds like any involvement with her would be a roller coaster ride, probably ending with a restraining order or something.

Nice phrasing.

Zeraph

I say try it! But for selfish reasons, just curious if it'll work. I've had similar opportunities and put them down because I'm fairly sure fuck buddies can't work IRL.

Anonymous Member

Should I even bother using this anon feature? I guess there isnt a single person who knows me in the first place who cant recognise my broken English, random mis-spelling, etc... but of well.

I sort have decided to see how things go on this. I dont think that I could have these kind of feelings on the sexual side of things if I didnt have some emotional ones too.

And maybe I am just being arrogant thinking this girl isnt right for me. I mean, look at me. I am fat, have a big scar across the middle of my face, mising teeth, broken nose, broken hand, am about 10% away from being clinically depressed about 30 times a year... it ought to be her thinking "what the fuck am I doing?" not the other way round.

I think maybe there is a bit of a personality clash if you have a relationship with a very expressive, dramatic, extrovert person with a gloomy, insular, moody, self conscious person... but maybe opposites attract like the song says. Its not like I am completely emotionally cripped and its not like she is compleley mad. Maybe she can lift and energise me and I can ground and calm her to the extent we both end up in the healthy middle ground

KellyC

I had a fuck buddy of some sort last summer. I told her straight up that she should not fall for me, and I don't want a relationship. I repeated this on several occasions so she'd know I was serious. She knew she's free to walk away any time she wants, and I reserved the right to do the same. We hung out for a few months, fucked a bunch of times. Then one day she stopped contacting and got a boyfriend and I knew it was over. And that was it.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Baraka_Guru

It would seem to me that attempting to keep sex and emotions separate is like trying to keep politics and emotions separate...or money and emotions.... or.....

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Cimarron29414

...or chocolate and peanut butter.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Baraka_Guru

It's true.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

jewels

Look: This liaison occurred between two consenting adults. There must have been some sort of attraction, so there's no need for the self-deprecation and over-analysis. Let it happen, see where it leads. If she begins to show more emotional involvement than you're feeling, that would be the point at which you'd let her know how you feel and go from there.

I'm an intensely emotional person and have had a couple of FWB relationships that have worked extremely well for both parties. I was involved with one guy that, after a couple of months, confessed that he'd fallen "in love" with me. It was emotionally confusing as I couldn't see a long-term relationship with him, but knew I had to tell him that I didn't want to continue the sexual aspect as his friendship was so much more important. Luckily, he was that good of a friend that we were able to maintain the friendship without the sex.

At this point, you don't know much about her or your own feelings. Take your time and if it continues, don't analyze it. Talk it over with her.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

cadre

I think as long as you are both mature and honest about what you're doing then it's fine. Some people can't separate sex and love so if that's the case then walk away. I really don't see how this is so complicated to deserve a thread every couple days.

I have had many fuck buddies and one night stands (read: I get bored easily) and all but one turned out great. If I was single I would probably be doing the same thing because I'm less discriminate with sex partners than life partners.

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

citadel

Don't take this the wrong way, but that's probably just because of how you are. These threads are probably started by the people who struggle with the gray area of such a relationship. I know I would if I were in one.

cadre

Well, yes I'm sure that's part of it but I guess I feel like you know if you can handle it or if you can't. There's really not much that's complicated other than that. Every similar thread seems to come down to this

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

Plan9

And thus the death of TFP presents itself. The one-two punch of forum killers of Assumption and Apathy . Perhaps "Assapathy."

Basically, Cadre... I'm going to drop your name in every ChickenMuffin thread from now until Armageddon. I can dig your attitude.

If all we've got to offer people who take the time to post genuine questions and try to work through genuine problems is "you should know if you can handle it or not" then we might as well turn into the snobby sex elitist version the infamous Yahoo! Answers here. With half naked avatars.

Not only is "you should know if you can handle it or not" a foolish answer (they don't know if they can handle it or not until they've actually done whatever it is that we're talking about, in this case FWB), it doesn't really illustrate the perspective and experiences of those who've done it.

God forbid I ever post some of the things I've wanted to discuss in sexuality. "Oh, this topic again? How tiresome."

Just because you've fucked a platoon of relatively anonymous gray-faces doesn't mean the topic is trite.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Ourcrazymodern?

Let's pretend no possibilities. Let's deny everything we've said. Let's.

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Plan9

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

cadre

I'm not going to dignify this with an actual response. You're welcome to say "no, people don't know if they can handle it" and why. That's what discussion is for.

This is rediculous, I used to love this forum and now I get flamed to some extent or another every time I post.

/threadjack

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

Plan9

Cadre, I apologize if you misconstrued my previous post as flaming. I assure you that was not my intent in this thread.

I'm simply replying to the things you've said in this thread. I'm not posting any assumptions about you here or anything.

My comments are colorful and tasteless, sure... but I don't dip into personal attacks. That's like the Special Olympics.

What I find ridiculous is someone that obviously has a learned perspective on the topic turning their nose up here.

I still love this forum and it saddens me to see "ye olde timers" acting like Lord Eden's imaginary In Crowd (TM).

...

For the OP, one of my experiences:

I've had a FWB situation that worked because both of us were between serious relationships and life changes (moves/jobs/college). She had been a friend for a while; we'd met at a local super-campy horror movie get-together. Eventually we got to talking online one night about the mutual lack of sex in our lives and had the FWB talk. It was weird how totally casual the atmosphere was... show up and talk about our day like coworkers. Eat takeout and watch TeeVee. There was always a distinct pause right before the "Alright, let's do this thing!" moment. Like maybe we were going to roll up our sleeves and assemble Ikea furniture or do yard work together. The sex was distinctly different than romantic relationship sex. It was... well, like going to the gym with a opposite sex workout partner. A good sweaty physical release with someone you were friendly with but didn't have the same hang-ups around. Maybe it's just me, but I find it a lot easier to therapy-fuck someone when I don't have to wake up next to them the next day. No justification required.

It works for some people. You just have to be good friends with the person and have no desire to go further. And the same for them.

As with any intimate relationship, communication is crucial. Understand expectations. Use safe sex. Fuck like rabid werewolves.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Chumley

To the OP: Your so-called reasons it won't work don't sound like sure dealbreakers to me. I know plenty of people that have moved a lot farther than 100 miles for a relationship, people are interested in people they aren't like (there's a reason they say opposites attract), and mutual friends!? I think that's how most couples meet, no? Go for it! As for the fuck-buddy aspect, hm, well, that's something that might or might not work.... that sounds like a mutual decision.

girldetective

ONGOING sex relationship with someone you dont want to date

So what youre sayin is shes not good enough to date, but good enough to put your golden king sword in?
Wow. Wear a condom; and stay the hell away from me.
Im not sure youre good enough.

. . .

O hey, wait. Later in your thread you wrote: I think maybe there is a bit of a personality clash if you have a relationship with a very expressive, dramatic, extrovert person with a gloomy, insular, moody, self conscious person... but maybe opposites attract like the song says. Its not like I am completely emotionally cripped and its not like she is compleley mad. Maybe she can lift and energise me and I can ground and calm her to the extent we both end up in the healthy middle ground

You seem much more human, and good enough.
I like that so much.
Thank you.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata