Todd123

This is extremely embarrassing but I don't know whats wrong with me and I am in need of serious help. First post here, but you guys/gals here seem really open minded so Id appreciate any advice you can give.

I'm 23 with little sexual experience. Before September I've had sex twice both didn't go so well. Because of this I have avoided getting into a relationship for some time. In September I met a girl and since then we've become really close and have attempted and had sex many times, however every time I have failed to perform well. When we first started I just failed to get sufficiently hard for long enough to penetrate. I rarely am able to get hard with her and the rare times I do it'd go away after about thirty seconds when we attempt to have sex. We've tryed tons of positions, + oral/hand, but nothing seems to work. Finally we were able to have sex but it takes me forever to get hard and alot of times I need to do most of the work (with lube). We've had sex tons of times but its never been really good for me or her. It seems like the only way to get hard when I am with her is to get to a point where I am really close to ejaculating. This makes me either release really early or lose it when I am inside her. Its extremely frustrating for both of us. Often when I wake up in the middle of the night with her Im hard as a rock, we try to have sex but it seems as soon I we try I start to lose it and I cant get it in time, if I do I usually just go soft inside her. My normal erections (when watching porn or even reading something sexy) are much stiffer and usually get hard in like 15 seconds.

Besides the sex the relationship is really amazing and were really close and comfortable with each other but I just cant seem to get over this. She loves sex and I really just want to enjoy an physical relationship with her. I really love her and she's told me she'd stay with me through this which I am really grateful for. But I know she is getting extremely annoyed.

Almost every reason has crossed through my mind but I honestly just dont know whats wrong with me or what to do. Sometimes I think porn's messed up my mind, but I really do find her attractive (obviously she doesnt compare to a porn star but neither does 90% of the population).
I'm going to start exercising, eating better, and not watch any more porn/jerk off (which I actually find really difficult - needed a blocker for this), but I don't know if this will do it.

I really do not want to go to a doctor and definitely not a therapist but I just feel lost. Please if anyone has any advice on what I could do, let me know. I almost willing to do anything now (besides therapy).

Hotmnkyluv

I'm not a Doctor, hell I don't even play one on TV but here are my .02

The human mind is the greatest sexual tool we have but it seems like you are setting yourself up to fail.
The more you think about it the worse it will be.
I know this advice will sound incredibly easy and be incredibly difficult but quit thinking so much!
Don't worry about getting hard, don't worry about how long you last, don't worry about the penetration, just be there and be in the moment.
If you can get hard enough to jerk off you can get hard enough to have sex, but the more you worry about failing, the more you will.

TheCrimsonGhost

I agree with Hot Monkey Love, you are psyching yourself out, bro-skeee. Maybe try getting drunk once and having at it, then when you realize there is nothing to it, you will be ok. Try not using condoms also, if you can. If you were already not using them, try using them, it might help you last longer after you get the little guy to stand at attention til he is finished. Let us know how it goes.

Seaver

1) Stop masturbating & watching porn for a week or two. You get so numbed by the titties bouncing, the screaming, etc. that a beautiful woman who really likes you isn't enough.

2) Relax. You're under so much pressure to perform that the little guy is just not coming out from behind the curtain. It's certain he can perform, just don't make it such a big deal.

3) Relax. She's tried a number of times with you, with little success, but she still smiles when she sees you. She really digs you and wants it to work.

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ASU2003

I would guess it is either physical, psychological, or physiological. You have to figure out what it is.

Ask yourself these questions. How often do you masturbate, and is the technique you use hard and fast? How long do your erections last watching porn by yourself? How good is your diet? Do you eat too much sodium? Are you on any medications? Are you using condoms? How good is your blood pressure? How long can you run for? Do you find her attractive? Do you try different positions? Do you focus on pleasuring her? Do you focus on what you are feeling in the moment? Are you worried about anything when having sex?

If you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, a full bladder can make erections easier.

dlish

dude. relax! its not as "serious" as you may think

see a doctor. trust me when i say this, its not as bad as you think. the first time i went to see a doctor so he can check out my junk i was nervous. i now find it ironic that over time ive shown my junk to more doctors than women. they only need to tell me to drop 'em and they're down. its no big deal.

with a doctor he'll be able to tell you what's wrong and possibly prescribe medication (viagra) if necessary.

but it sounds like you're over thinking this whole situation and stressing yourself out to an extent that you underperform.

"im not going to perform, im not going to perform, im not going to perform" - of course you're not going to perform.

get that thought out of your head.

the good news here is that you get stiffies while you sleep, so its not a physical issue were dealing with here and the plumbing seems to work.

the most important thing is that you have an understanding partner. makes ure you kep an open an honest line of communication with her, that way your stress levels will alleviate somewhat.

as a last note, i think crimsonghosts advice regarding not using condoms is the worst thing you can take from this.

dude, wear a condom no matter what. the last thing you want to do is have to go to a doctor with an itch, lesions or if you suspect you have HIV and then wait for the results. You'll also have to pull down your pants and they'll stick a metal rod up your urethra to take swabs and make cultures from them.

the second last thing you want is a kid if its not planned. dont be a douche. wear a rubber when having sex.

that said, if you did a search on this site there has been a lot of threads about this sort of problem, so feel free to use the search button.

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Plan9

The OP made me think of this.

I would say that you should stop blaming porn for your anxiety problems, but after reading a lot of posts on various man-having-issues sites, it seems some guys have a hard time managing their extreme porn consumption. All good things in moderation, my man. If you're only capable of being aroused by plastic-titted redheads getting reamed in the alternate love canal by a veiny forearm of a phallus, of course normal arousal is going to be an issue.

Do you get turned on by the women in the Sears catalog's lingerie section? If not, you may have a problem with gonzo porn.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Todd123

Firstly thanks for the responses. Glad everyone here is understanding and didnt rip into me.

Im pretty sure a big part of it is psychological, there may be a physical problem too. But my mind always wanders when were trying to have sex. Ill be thinking about what Im thinking about. I can feel my heart race (in a bad way) when we try.

I also have a really hard time sleeping in the same bed as her.

Guess Ill have to see a doctor, even though Im really not looking forward to it.

I also dont use a condom but she went on the pill (makes me feel even more guiltly). Not worried about STDs.

SecretMethod70

It's unlikely that there is a physical problem, but see a doctor so he can tell you for sure. When in doubt, always ask a professional.

Off-topic, they don't need to swab inside the urethra for STD tests anymore. I know because I got a full panel of STD tests today and discussed that very topic with my doctor.

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Plan9

...dunno, Smeth. They don't use toilets like 100 miles from where Dlish lives. Something tells me top notch STD tests aren't going down.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

SecretMethod70

It's a pretty safe assumption Todd123 lives in a western country though

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Plan9

Oh, yeaaah. It means he doesn't have health insurance.

/US

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

MrFriendly

Like others have said, sounds like you're just psyching yourself out man.

Give up porn for a while, even try giving up masturbating for a while.

Oh, and relax, sex is fun, have fun with it :-)

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You are not a slave

dlish

a friend of mine got his done recently and they shoved that thing up him. i think its the clamydia test?

whats the new technique?

9er - we dont use toilets around here. im a squatter. hey i save the environment by saving water.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

jewels

Have you tried focusing on the foreplay (no ten minute bullshit) and pleasing her first? An erotic journey with no genital contact (for you anyway) for some time might just might be the way to get you going and keep it up. Build the lust, take care of her and she may become more exciting than a porn star.

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The_Jazz

I'm going to chime in with the "it's mental" answer. But I think you've figured that out all on your own. That's good since there are a lot of guys that never do. If you think that there's something physically wrong, then see a doctor, but I don't think that this is much more than performance anxiety, and that's easily dealt with.

It's good that you want to stop masturbating. That will help. My guess is that your willpower will crumble before you want it to, but that's fine. If you're going to masturbate, try changing it up - different hand, more/less/no lube, different position (sitting, standing, lying down). Get out of your routine.

When you're with your girlfriend, though, Jewels gave you some awesome advice above. Don't worry about you - you can beat off later if that's what you have to do. Make it all about her. Get her off as many times and ways as you can. Be creative. Take the pressure of you to perform with your penis. Make it about you performing in entirely different ways.

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SecretMethod70

dlish: I just had blood drawn and peed in a cup

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

MrFriendly

You had to piss blood into a cup!

:P

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You are not a slave

Calypso15

What about watching porn while screwing?

SecretMethod70

That might work, but I'm sure he'd like to be able to screw without watching porn at the same time too

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Todd123

Thanks again for all the helpful replies.

Firstly, yes Im from Western Culture.
I actually suggested watching porn with her, but her response was "Im not good enough for you?" so I quickly down played it, after it took me a while to convince her it was me and not her. Then She brought it up again as something she wanted to try but hasnt mentioned it since and I dont want to push it. Besides like secret says i need to be able to do this alone.

I started following the link Plan9 gave and kept trying to do research on the topic. From my non-medical opinion Im pretty sure its a combination of performance anxiety and my brain being desensitized to porn. I honestly never realized this to be a problem when I watched it. I always thought it was just fantasy.
But Ive realized now that I hate the way I see women. Really slutty girls attract me, but I do have respect for women and I really dont want to only see them in this way. Decided to throw porn and masturbation away. Already started and its pretty painful, but I gonna force myself to go at least a month.

From the past couple of days though, I think I am making small improvements. I am able to last a while now but its takes me a while to hard enough to penetrate still. My major problem is that my erections just dont last during foreplay. We will be on the couch and Ill just get really hard. But whenever she starts with foreplay itll feel really good for a couple seconds and Ill get even harder, but then after about 30 seconds it just starts to get soft, and well have to start over again.

My other major problem as I mentioned is i cant sleep in the same bed with her. I just cant get a good sleep and end up tossing and turning all night. This is starting to become a big problem as I am sleeping over at her place quite often. If anyone has any suggestions to get over this as well please let me know.