07-31-2009, 09:43 AM | #41 (permalink) |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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For all of you who believe he should quit:
80% of all marriages in India are arranged by the parents. India's divorce rate is 10% (Hinduism forbids remarriage if your divorce). So, you marry a stranger and yet you have a 90% success rate. Do you think that 90% of Indians are miserable? No. Some of them are, but a majority commit to their marriage (to a virtual stranger) and find happiness in it. Of course your wife is overweight, negative, and jealous. Everytime you aren't happy, you threaten to ruin her life! How could anyone live in that environment and find contentment. Her future is now dictated by your whims. I feel sorry for her.
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07-31-2009, 09:51 AM | #42 (permalink) |
We work alone
Location: Cake Town
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You cannot compare Indian traditions to American ones and draw any kind of parallels. The very mentality about everything is different. Society plays a huge role in how you should behave and what you should do. There is no such pressure in the States. Besides, you just said that remairrage is forbidden if you divorce, so once you are single again, you cannot uphold yourself to the social standard of being married in the future. Plus there is the whole thing of being disowned by your parents.
I would guarantee that if the social views on marries from America were brought over to India and given enough time to acclimate, the divorce rate would be comparable.
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07-31-2009, 10:05 AM | #43 (permalink) | |
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there seems to be an idea floating around that i want nothing more than to be away from her when its the other way around -- i would love for our relationship to work. i want it to. i want to love her forever and be with her until were old and spending our retirement. but i cant mask the sense of dread i get waking up every day. i cant mask the constant wonder of what it would be like with a more cheerful person. i cant pretend that i dont care if its weekend, workday, night, day, vacation, slammed at work, its all nothing. nothing really phases me in life because i feel restricted by our relationship. if i could trick myself or my feelings into wanting to be with her forever then i would. |
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07-31-2009, 10:09 AM | #45 (permalink) | |
Darth Papa
Location: Yonder
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Whatever you do about this, what will work best is to be above-board in all your dealings--in your marriage especially, but not exclusively. In other words, don't lie and don't cheat. Those sorts of actions will only haunt you. Get divorced, if that's what you're going to do. Or have a conversation with her to redefine the nature of your relationship, and the agreements you have with each other. But whatever you do, deal honestly with her about it. She deserves that. Don't go behind her back. Let her know the whole deal, and take whatever lumps you're going to take. Better to take the impact of how it really is than to cover up and be dodging the truth for the rest of your life. She might just surprise you. She might be a bigger person than you give her credit for. You'll never know that if you keep being afraid of damaging her. For the record, I'm not a religious folk. |
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07-31-2009, 10:11 AM | #46 (permalink) | |
We work alone
Location: Cake Town
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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques |
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07-31-2009, 10:15 AM | #47 (permalink) | |
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
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I am married, I feel numb to the world, therefore it must be my marriage causing me to feel numb.
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07-31-2009, 10:53 AM | #48 (permalink) | |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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There's a reason why our divorce rate is 60%.
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Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." |
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07-31-2009, 10:58 AM | #49 (permalink) |
Forming
Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
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Because free choice and marriage don't mix?
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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike |
07-31-2009, 11:21 AM | #50 (permalink) | |
We work alone
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Granted, I would not ever look favorably on couples with children divorcing just because they don't have kids, but I guess it's better sometimes than killing them. But I digressssssssss. My point is that rules of society should not apply when it comes to the way your partner makes you feel. ----------------------------------------------- *Unsolvable meaning after they've tried to reconcile things and it didn't work.
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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques |
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07-31-2009, 11:52 AM | #52 (permalink) |
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obviously my post about the societal practice of marriage was missed. I find it sad that a status of marriage trumps individual or mutual happiness. This whole marriage was based on falsehoods and empty promises as well as a lack of respect and and confidence. If there is no way to mend that, then it's doubtful that either one is happy..and they are in fact ruining *each other's lives*
at that point, there is no healthy reason to stay married.. even less of a point if it's only to achieve some archaic status in society. |
07-31-2009, 11:53 AM | #53 (permalink) |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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...or because integrity, commitment, character, perseverance and American society no longer mix. I am not going to debate the merits of marriage with those who don't have any intention of changing their mind.
Divorce her, at least she will have a shot at meeting someone who believes in the vows he took.
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Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." |
07-31-2009, 11:57 AM | #54 (permalink) |
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vows are only worth their weight if both people are doing what they should be doing. While the OP is certainly not at fault in this by any stretch, the wife has clearly shown an interest in not making an effort either, so it stands to reason that she doesn't take the vows seriously.
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07-31-2009, 12:08 PM | #55 (permalink) | |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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We can now determine her commitment to her vows based on an unknown level of gravitational pull, can we? Can you imagine the misery she must feel knowing that every night the OP sneaks off to his computer room for 7 hours of internet porn when all she wants is for him to come watch TV with her, or take her out on a date, or read her a few pages of the book he is reading, or dance with her in the living room... We reap what we sow. He's getting exactly out of his marriage what he puts in. She's hopeless because there is no hope, she's just waiting for her execution. She's been waiting for it since before they got married.
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Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." |
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07-31-2009, 12:12 PM | #56 (permalink) | |
Tilted
Location: North Carolina
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07-31-2009, 12:14 PM | #57 (permalink) | |
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
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07-31-2009, 12:20 PM | #59 (permalink) |
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First off, the OP clearly stated that he tried to back out of the marriage before it happened. Secondly, he stated that his wife made promises to lose weight etc. She has not lived up to her end of the deal.. if she took her oaths seriously, then she would make her promises a reality. Promises don't mean shit until they are followed through on.
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07-31-2009, 12:25 PM | #60 (permalink) | |
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
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There's obviously two sides to this story, but we only have his. We don't know if she's happy...we don't even know definitively if his marriage is the sole source of his unhappiness (unlikely). Anyways, wasn't trying to start a flame war, your scenario just seemed to lay it on a bit thick.
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07-31-2009, 12:28 PM | #61 (permalink) | |
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07-31-2009, 12:32 PM | #62 (permalink) | |
Forming
Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
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It applies here.
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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike |
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07-31-2009, 12:38 PM | #63 (permalink) | |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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Quote:
__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." |
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07-31-2009, 12:40 PM | #64 (permalink) | |
Registered User
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surely you can understand that if that was a promise made in order to make him feel at ease with saying a vow, then it's not a stretch to say she wasn't committed either. |
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07-31-2009, 12:42 PM | #65 (permalink) | |
Forming
Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
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Obviously, no promises are being kept in this relationship. That's why it's not working. The self-righteous crap in this thread aside, it's pretty simple. Dude settled, he's realized he settled and isn't truly happy, and now it's time for him to man up, break a heart, move on, and learn from his mistakes. It's called growing up. It happens to all of us.
__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike |
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07-31-2009, 12:45 PM | #66 (permalink) |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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"im married and im itching to be with others. my wife is big and i want to know what its like to have sex with/be intimate with a different woman. ive never even held hands with another woman, a woman that has a different body and a different personality."
I'm sorry. You are the paragon of good husbands. Only on the internet can the guy that says "stay with your wife, try harder" become the villian.
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Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." |
07-31-2009, 12:52 PM | #67 (permalink) | |
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
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07-31-2009, 12:56 PM | #68 (permalink) | |
Forming
Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
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This isn't about marriage, it's about happiness. Without happiness, a marriage is void anyhow...
__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike |
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07-31-2009, 01:01 PM | #69 (permalink) | |
We work alone
Location: Cake Town
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You would really stay in an unhappy marriage just because you took your vows? Say you tried everything, but the wife is just not responding and you begin to lose all kinds of feelings for her. She doesn't make you happy. Seeings her is a chore. You wake up every day feeling miserable. If you're a masochist (and somewhat of a sadist), then I can see you staying.
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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques |
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07-31-2009, 01:58 PM | #70 (permalink) | |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:53 PM ---------- The difference between what I am saying and what you are saying is this: you say "he's not a good husband and it's not a healthy marriage, so leave." I say, "He's not a good husband, so until he fixes that, we don't know if it can be a healthy marriage or not." Start by giving everything, by truly submitting to your marriage. It's the only way to walk away with a clean heart (when/if) doesn't work out. I've always been amazed how much my situtation changes when I am willing to give more.
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Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." |
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07-31-2009, 03:08 PM | #71 (permalink) | |
We work alone
Location: Cake Town
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__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques |
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07-31-2009, 03:22 PM | #72 (permalink) | |
Lover - Protector - Teacher
Location: Seattle, WA
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07-31-2009, 03:54 PM | #73 (permalink) | |
Forming
Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
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Furthermore, this man, clearly, does not truly love this woman and never has. Love can't be forced. It was over before it started. Move on.
__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike |
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07-31-2009, 05:19 PM | #74 (permalink) | ||
Extreme moderation
Location: Kansas City, yo.
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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck) |
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08-01-2009, 10:25 AM | #75 (permalink) |
Lost
Location: One step closer to the padded cell...
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it sounds as though you two are in a downward spiral. You don't feel like she is doing what she can to help the marriage so you get depressed and start failing to help the marriage from your side. It starts off small, on both sides. Then one day you wake up and realize that you are nowhere near the point of where you were, so now the downward spiral starts to get steeper and steeper until it gets out of control and one side gets irrepairably hurt. Only through communication with your wife can you find out if either of you are truly past that point. If you are, then little to nothing can make it work. If neither of you are past that point, then you BOTH need to work together to make it work. It will be a full time effort for the both of you, there will be little points of achievement and alot of sacrifice. It is a difficult climb back up but only you(collective) can decide if it is worth it. Don't expect to talk 1 evening with your wife and have everything magically the way it "was" in the morning. I wish you both the best.
--tenchi
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