Glory's Sun

have you paid your lawyer recently? they tend to ignore people when they stop paying.

you could always just go to his office before court one morning and see what's up.

UnclearContent

Lawyer doesn't get paid until the case is settled. I think that may be the problem, that he doesn't see enough of a return to warrant spending any more time.

His secretary plays interference. They won't let me back without an appointment. I've considered just staying in the waiting room until he pops out for lunch.

Glory's Sun

well he has to tell you something.. if you've already paid a retainer fee then he should at least give you an update on where he thinks your case is going. If he doesn't, then get another lawyer and don't pay based on the fact that you had bad council. :shrug:

ratbastid

I see now we've been answering the question "what should I do", when you're asking the question "why is this upsetting me so much?". My apologies on all our behalf--there's no quicker way to drive somebody nuts than to answer some question other than the one they asked.

What's funny about this is that your mouth and your stomach are saying different things. One of two things must be happening.

First (and I think most likely): My general feeling about this is that we SAY all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons, but there are ways we communicate (like, what we do, where we go, and what happens with us physically) that reveal how things really are for us. Sucking it up and "being okay with it" is noble and looks supportive, which we think of as a good thing, and our interest in being good sometimes overwhelms our willingness to really say how it is for us. So that's one possibility.

The other possibility is, you've got something going on physically that has nothing to do with the situation, and you're attributing it to being upset about her current line of work. If it really is like, "I'm fine with it, I went and checked it out and I'm comfortable with it, I trust her completely, and yet my physical symptoms seem to say otherwise", then one possibility is that you've got physical symptoms for some entirely other reason, and you're the one drawing the "because" connection there.

I don't know anything about your particular circumstances, obviously, but I think if you follow whichever of these proposals seems to speak to you to its logical conclusion, you'll get some clarity on the "why" question.

UnclearContent

Exactly. I haven't been thinking too clearly the past few days and I probably haven't communicated my problem here very well.

I'm making solid effort to resolve my situation. Getting life back on track, etc. I don't need anyone to hold my hand; I just wrote out my life story so that people would have some understanding of where I'm coming from with this whole thing.

Yes, I just want to know why I'm so bothered by this.

I'm fairly stressed most of the time. It may be that this isn't having as much effect on me as I'm attributing from my symptoms. But it seems like I feel a lot worse whenever I'm taking her to the club or picking her up, and I start feeling sick when I see her change into her costume. I'm just not sure what specifically is bothering me. I feel like I'm blocked and not seeing what's really bothering me, but I have no clue to how to get through it.

Glory's Sun

maybe what's blocking you is the fact that you thought you were the last one who would ever get to see her naked.. and now that image in your head is shattered..the innocence is seemingly lost now..

UnclearContent

That's...entirely possible. How would I get around that, do you think?

Cimarron29414

1) Call your lawyer today and tell him that if you do not receive a call back from him by COB tomorrow, your NEW lawyer will be suing him for malpractice/bad faith. You will be called back. Tell him you want the case settled by Friday COB or your NEW lawyer....
2) Is your lawyer attributing your brain injury to the accident? Did you suffer a head impact during the accident?
3) Your bloody stools are mostlikely from an untreated stomach ulcer (based on your mental health accessment) or hemorroids.
4) Frankly, you have too much going on NOT to trust a mental health expert. With all of your physical and emotional issues, you have got to seek treatment or things will never turn around. Your body is simply the car that your soul drives around. Your mind can break, just like your knee. When it does, have the good sense to take it to the shop. It isn't a stigma, it's common sense.
5) Now is not the time to grow a sense of morality with regards to work. Unless they are poisoning the drinking water at daycares, suck it up and be a team player until you can get to another job. It isn't that hard to pretend for a little while.
6) Go hug your girlfriend again, but this one's from me. She's a keeper.

Dude, you aren't far off from getting on track and you have so much going for you with a loving girlfriend and mother. Draw on each other's strengths, but you have to seek self improvement. Again, break each thing down into small tasks and tackle them one by one. Don't let your mind wander to what you can not control. Practice mental discipline within yourself. Don't let your girlfriend sit around and worry outloud, and have her hold you to the same standard. Engage in constructive conversations - "it is what it is, now what are we going to do to fix it." Write down your gameplan and refer back to it when you start feeling overwhelmed. Each problem is on a separate page - each page has separate steps. If something is overwhelming, refer only to THAT page and remember you have a plan for fixing that.

---------- Post added at 01:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:37 PM ----------

Accept that fact that you are not - quite simply.

---------- Post added at 01:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:47 PM ----------

Heh, now I know what the Quick reply does. Again, you must accept the fact that you are not the last person to see your girlfriend naked. You are, however, the last person to see your girlfriend naked EVERY night!

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Glory's Sun

accept that fact that you're the last (hopefully) person that gets to fuck your girl every night or sleep beside her. those chumps waving singles don't have a chance.

UnclearContent

1. You're right. It's time to make sure he lives up to his side of this.
2. My doctor said there's not enough evidence to link the two. Said it's fairly likely, but I don't think he'd testify for me in court.
3. Neither, unless one has started recently.
4. I'm against long-term medication. I disagree with most members of the mental health care field. I am going to school for psychology. A lot of the advice given is quoted from half-remembered college texts and not from any real experience or understanding of the situation. When I see the crack-pot advice given to friends and family who visit these "professionals" I really worry about their patients. These people have the ability to suspend my rights (at least on a temporary basis) and I will NOT hand the keys to my freedom to some kid who skated his/her way through college on his/her parent's dime and does not understand what it's like to be in my situation.
5. My morals aren't as big a concern here. In my line of work I am personally liable for any infractions of the law, up to $1000.00 per infraction. I commit 100-200 of these infractions daily by order of management.
6. I will, and thank you.

I believe it's time to start making the effort. I really like the page per problem approach and will give that a try this evening. Thank you for the vote of confidence.


Just awesome.

Great point.

SecretMethod70

So here's a crazy suggestion....

People in general, and America specifically, have been ingrained with crazy ideas about the human body and how "special" it is. If your girlfriend is going to be working as a stripper, you obviously need to learn to be comfortable with the idea that viewing and appreciating the human body is not a big deal. I don't know where in the country you're located, but take a look at this list and see if there's anything relatively near where you are: List of social nudity places in North America - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. If you can somehow manage it, go hang out topless or naked with your girlfriend, in the presence of others who are doing the same. At first, you'll probably feel uncomfortable, and even nervous, but stay, relax, and eventually you'll ease into it, and into the idea that it's OK for other people to see your girlfriend's body. If you can't manage to find a place to do this, look at lots of nude art, I dunno... just try to think of things that will help decouple the viewing of the naked human form from sex.

Yes, at a strip club it's different - it is absolutely sexual - but I think the heart of most people's problem with a strip club, especially for a guy who trusts his girlfriend, is the idea that viewing someone's naked body is special and somehow reserved. Learn to realize that someone else seeing your girlfriend naked has nothing to do with how special your relationship is with her, and maybe you'll find yourself a lot more comfortable with the idea.

Of course, I could be entirely wrong. Just some thoughts off the top of my head!

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

genuinegirly

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why you haven't taken your mother's name off your student loans. If you go bankrupt in the midst of this mess (and that's a huge if), you don't want your mother's life to be affected. You can and should take full responsibility for your debt. Since you're considering speaking to someone about your student loans so you can defer for medical reasons, you should also consider freeing your mother by transferring the loans entirely to your name.

This is what I'd call dancing in the rain. Life is pouring down buckets of nastiness, time to figure out how to wade through it.

Developing a system can't hurt. I tend to break things down as well - "this is what I need to do today." When that's too intimidating, I break it down even
further, "This is my sole responsibility for the next 15 minutes." It'll shock you what you can get done in a day when you take it a quarter-hour at a time. Before you start the next step, ask yourself not if you can get through the rest of the list of things to do for the day - instead figure out if you can get through the next fifteen minutes.

I tend to the idea that you're feeling sick not because your beautiful girlfriend is showing off to other men for cash, but rather you're bothered by the whole idea that she has to. You're a strong man, or you always have been until this crazy string of events - you feel you should protect those you love from potentially harmful environments, rather than supporting them as they enter them on a near-daily basis. It has to be difficult. It may not become easier over time. But you may be better able to handle the difficult nature of the emotions involved as you work through them.

I'm not about to recommend professional psychological help simply because I have no idea what financial burden it might entail. I will say, though, that I have a couple of chronically ill friends (epilepsy, lymes) who have benefited from their sessions. Being able to understand their physical limitations, picking up on their body's signals when they've over-worked before an injury results, and coping with the fact that they really can't do everything they once could -- these are the things they have learned through the help of professionals.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Cimarron29414

Again, and with all due respect, I'm hearing a lot of excuses here. Yes, there are quacks, but you aren't in it for the advice. you are in it to get your hormones and chemicals back in balance - that what the (for example) Wellbutrin is for. I have known two chronically depressed people in life. Both said "It won't work for me" or "I've tried that, it doesn't work". Blah, blah, blah. Both medicated in less productive ways, and both are now dead. Don't deny yourself the help you (may) need over some misplaced principle.

If it is a taxation infraction (rather than a health/safety one), I would turn them in to the IRS. There is HUGE money in IRS whistle blowing...

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Anormalguy

And your "advice" was so much more useful?

__________________
In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

UnclearContent

This sounds right.


This sounds right, too.


I'm guessing there are multiple issues I'm facing here, rather than one, easily defined problem.

I've spent time watching her work at the club. What she does for others is not really her. It's an act, and not even all that sexual. What she does for me is really her. But I wonder if I do feel that some of things I considered 'special' between us are being trespassed on and this is what is bothering me.

And, yes, I am deeply bothered by her having to work at all for me. I always liked supporting her and I guess I don't really enjoy her working and me not. But to have her do THIS to support ME?

And, genuinegirly, how in the world do I get the loans out of her name? I didn't think this was possible unless I was approved independently for the loans, which my credit wouldn't allow. If you know some way I could get these transfered to me, solely, it would relieve an enormous burden.

---------- Post added at 12:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:45 PM ----------


It's not taxation or I would take your advice on that one.

I don't want to medicate. I've tried Seroquel before and the numbness was...horrible. I spent the entire time laying on my bed and praying for it to be over. I've always seen medication as a temporary fix to allow more productive therapy or allow time for a person to cope. Because a lot of my problems are situational I don't want to risk permanent alteration of my neurochemistry (or personality) to solve this. I just need to get things in order.

Again, though, I appreciate your input.

Cimarron29414

There's no way of knowing whether you can get them out of her name. It's a function of you getting a loan to cover the loans. That would require you to qualify for those loans. That's a function of debt/income ratio and your credit rating.

Incidentally, how much in student loans are we talking, here? ...and are you "current" on the loans?

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

genuinegirly

First I need to know what kind of student loans you have taken out. Are they federal student loans or private student loans? Did you arrange them through your student financial aid office or did you take them out through a bank?

Are they...

Federal Direct loans
Stafford student loans
Perkins student loans
PLUS loans
or are they private student loans

Each of these have different procedures. If you arranged your loans through your school's financial aid office, the process should be easier than Cimarron makes it out to be. It would require setting up an appointment and talking to them about it. PLUS loans cannot be placed in your name - they're all your parents' responsibility no matter what.

Since you talk about your credit score being a factor in choosing to have your mother's name on the loans, it seems more likely that you chose to go with private student loans. These are not something I've dealt with so I'm afraid I have little advice on the details.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

UnclearContent

Stafford, Perkins and Private.

30,000.00

I had, in my military contract, 20,000.00 in student loan repayment. My bonus was supposed to be 7,000.00. This would have pretty much covered my loans. Now, though, not so good of shape.

I just paid off an 8,000.00 credit card, and to do so my student loans went behind. Getting those current is my current priority.

genuinegirly

Stafford and Perkins loans can be deferred for up to three years due to unemployment, financial hardship, or disability. Or you can apply for forbearance if you aren't qualified for deferment. You apply for these by contacting your loan servicer.

Stafford and Perkins loans, from what I understand, are in your name alone. Your parents should not be impacted by these loans.

The private loans are a whole different ballgame.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

UnclearContent

They wouldn't release my student loans until my mother turned in a signature sheet. If the student loans are not in her name then I can focus on the private and clear her name. How would I find out for sure?

genuinegirly

You can find out for sure by contacting the financial aid office at the school you attended when you received the loans.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Cimarron29414

Just as an aside, I find Stafford loans EXTREMELY sexual. Hence, this talk about loan repayment isn't technically a forum-jack.

Yeah, you need to "break them up" as to which ones are on your mom's name and which ones aren't. Sometimes these things come lumped to you on one statement, but are actually separate loans. See if you can get them to break up the loans (really just a matter of sending you multiple invoices rather than one invoice). That way, you can snow-ball the one has your mom's name on it, and go minimum payment or do deference on the others until it's paid off.

The loans your mom cosigned for will show on her credit report. Does she have a recent one?

Dude, if you just killed an $8K credit card, YOU KICK ASS! I gain more respect for you post by post. You've got moxy!. As you pay off, from here on out, be certain to stay current with the others or it's all for not.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Glory's Sun

I think with stafford's as long as you pay $50/month then you are good to go..