neflyte

A strong feeling about weddings came to be recently. I figure I should post this somewhere, but I'm too lazy to actually update my own journal with it.

A few friends and I went to see Mama Mia in the theater this past weekend (against my better judgment). While I do enjoy some of Abba's works, i didn't enjoy the butchering that the movie gave them. But I digress...

When I came out of the movie, I had one thought: I HATE weddings. But I secretly want one oh so badly.

Every time I see a wedding on TV or in the movies (or even if I attend one), I cannot help but feel an intense wash of emotion. I feel some of the happiness that those involved feel and I love that feeling. However, I also feel sadness as that amount of happiness is something that I want in my life quite a bit and cannot seem to grasp. Heh, maybe it's just the music getting to me.

I'm quite content with my everyday life. I love my job. I have a rather diverse circle of friends. I keep myself busy. But I'm not really "happy". I'll never be completely over my ex (and please don't lecture me on why that's not healthy or how to get over it), and perhaps that's partly why I feel this way. Do I need to heed Jefferson Airplane's advice and find somebody to love? Perhaps. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this...

Do any other unmarried, single TFP'ers feel this way about weddings?

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

Bear Cub

I'd rather attend a funeral than a wedding, and that includes my own.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

sleepygirl

I think, as a girl, I was conditioned to be "in love" with the concept of weddings. In my first marriage I had the big church wedding, just what I thought I wanted. I can now say it really had little meaning, was just an event. It was all about the wedding, not the marriage.

Now, I value the concept of a wedding very little.

I am now in the most significant, loving, meaningful, fulfilling relationship of my life. While I would still like to get married, it's not about a large wedding with lots of attendees or anything traditional like that. It's about the deep commitment, plain and simple.

ItWasMe

I am married, so I don't really fit the bill for this thread. But thought I would respond about the op's ex.

I am not saying to marry one person when you are in love with someone else. But...some people will always have a special place in our hearts, and many people hold such a place for a first love. But that doesn't mean there isn't room for someone else, even someone who could possibly hold an even higher/larger place. A friend once told me, "That doesn't mean I am trying to forget her; I am just trying to live without her."

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

abaya

After most of my college friends got married at age 22 (they were religious--no sex till then) and I had to be a bridesmaid 4 times in big church weddings, I started hating weddings, too... and I was also getting over an ex at the time, too. Luckily, I got a break for about 4 years--no one got married, I was single--and by the time the next wave of weddings happened (grad school pairings, including mine), I was in a much better place regarding the whole phenomenon.

Ktspktsp and I had a beautiful, touching, secular wedding, that was quite small and we kept ourselves on a limited budget. You don't have to have a "big church wedding" to satisfy that need for ritual when moving on to the next stage of your life. When you're with the right person, those kinds of details really don't matter so much, at least in my opinion.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

MSD

It's an excuse to put on a suit (or bust out the tux if I'm lucky) and abuse the fuck out of the open bar, which are significant positives. Unfortunately, all the ones I've been to at this point are family members, not friends, so when I get there I'm related to nearly half the guests and by the time dinner is served it's up to over 90% (and I don't know which ones) which makes it a lousy place to get drunk and pick up women.

PonyPotato

One of my best friends got engaged a short while ago. I cried. I'm actually crying here at work thinking about it. His wedding will be in September of next year. I'm probably going to be bawling my eyes out. I have no family to speak of in the US, so my wedding experiences will be limited to those of my friends.. and I have few friends, too, so one getting married is extremely important to me.

Do people really take engagements and marriages lightly these days? For me they are a Very Big Deal.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Redlemon

When characters in TV or movies get engaged, it never had an effect on me. Until I myself became engaged, that is. Now, each of these scenes never fails to make me a little bit mushy inside, and sometimes a little sniffle as well.

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abaya

I saw mine as being a Very Big Deal, but real life circumstances made it a little more complicated than that. Had I married an American, and we weren't going to be moving to another country within a few months of our wedding, and we weren't in any rush whatsoever--it would have been a Much Bigger Deal. As it was, we had a whole bunch of complications, and in the end I had to make my Inner North American Girl (despite being raised as a tomboy, I still wanted a really special wedding day) satisfied with the Modest Deal that we ended up with.

And really, that was okay. I am watching one couple (friends of ours in Iceland, but the girl is Canadian) spend about $50,000 on their wedding, which is next weekend. They had over a year to plan it. It's absurd, if you ask me, but I guess she will be very happy. I came to realize that the engagement (very short, 5 weeks) for us and the wedding were just what we wanted, nothing more, nothing less... and we were very happy with it, and yes, I cried during my vows.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

PonyPotato

Oh, I wasn't referring to the wedding price tag as the Very Big Deal - I meant more "life significance." I want it to be a super special day, one that I will remember forever.. but not because of the amount spent, more because of the commitment I'll be making. Honestly, a courthouse wedding would be just as meaningful, but perhaps not as memorable.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

abaya

Right. I didn't necessarily mean the price tag, either, but I tend to see "Big Deal" weddings as being those of people spending more than $25,000 in a church with a huge party with too many people they don't know, etc. I don't really see the point of those, I guess.

But yes, I definitely saw it as being very important in terms of life significance, though ktsp wasn't as keen on all the "technicalities" and expectations pressed on him... he would have preferred a mutual agreement as an engagement, and a simple courthouse deal with a small party afterwards. I wanted a story to tell from the engagement, and I wanted to wear a poofy white dress in the autumn, and some cake and music and dancing, and vows that we'd written ourselves... and a few guests. We were both very happy with the compromise, and we both felt that the event helped us celebrate the personal significance of the day.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

snowy

It's a Big Deal to me, but perhaps not in the same way that others see it. Reading your second post, merleniau, I feel we are in line with one another in regards to this.

My own parents had a very modest wedding, and I'm not particularly interested in the big affair. I've given this a lot of thought, as I'm either getting married a year from now or 2 years from now, depending on when my SO gets out of college. Ideally, I want to exchange vows at the rose garden in our town, and then have a low-key reception somewhere; there are a couple of picnic shelters in parks here that would be perfect. After all, it's meant to be a day that reflects us as a couple, and my SO certainly doesn't want a big crazy thing. We just want to get together with our friends and family to celebrate the commitment we've made.

And watching weddings on TV--yes, it does make me mushy inside. Of course, I cry at a lot of things.

And abaya, I ended up with the mutual agreement and no actual proposal. I haven't gotten a ring yet as a result. I'm still waiting, mostly because we're still talking about when to get married--he doesn't want to put the ring on my finger and have his family get all excited and up in our business. I can't blame him. We'd rather keep it low-key, and once his family knows, there's little chance of that.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Starkizzer

I'm excited about our wedding but mainly because I have found the dress I have always imagined. We want a low key wedding mainly family and only some close friends. So probably about 150 people at the VERY most.

I never really wanted to get married before I met im2smrt4u. He put the idea in my head, and now I'm more happy about the idea because it signifies the real start of our lives together and having a family.
We dated for about 4 years before he proposed and will wait until a year after we graduate until we get married. So that will be about another year and a half or so. To me its just one of those things that happens, I don't think I'd be devastated if it didn't just like I won't be unhappy if we don't have a kid. But I am really looking forward to my dad walking me down the isle and having the father daughter dance with him. I know it will mean a lot for him to be able to do those things, since I am kinda his only kid.

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Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey

PonyPotato

150 people = close friends and family? Jeebus! I guess because my parents and my sister and I are the only members of my family to live in the US, I have a skewed sense of family size. I would imagine that wedding attendance (for my "side," at least) wouldn't be more than 30 people. This includes family that would possibly come from Wales (probably not) and optimism on the part of friends.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

snowy

Yeah, my family is much smaller than my SO's side and they all live in another state; I'd invite all 11 but only 8 would probably make it all the way down here. My SO's family is about 26 people with aunts, uncles, and cousins, and they would definitely all come as they all live in our town. My side would definitely end up being less than 30.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

abaya

I had the same thought... 150 is actually pretty average-sized, but each to her own.

We had about 30-35 people at our American wedding (mostly mutual friends and our close family, and we planned that one), then 35 people at our very toned-down Thai Buddhist wedding (my friends/family, which my mom handled), and then about 90 people at the reception in Lebanon (all his people, and his parents dealt with that). We were aiming for under 50, though the Lebanese one was out of our hands completely. The main concern with guests is really the cost per head... once you get an estimate on that, your guest list drops dramatically (hence our 35, when we could have easily had over a 100 at that first wedding).

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

neflyte

I've got some catching-up to do... (Thanks for all of the replies so far, btw!)

Reading this made me smirk, however I'd like to know exactly what you mean by that.

Exactly what I'm looking for! The search is ongoing...

I've not heard my situation explained in quite this way. Thank you! I'm not sure how someone else will hold a higher place with me, but I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm still a little gunshy after the ex...

Also what I'm looking for. I'd be happy with a JP (Justice of the Peace) to marry me in a small ceremony. However, I guess I'll compromise on whatever my SO wants when I get to that stage.

While I can't say that I bawled my eyes out at my friend's wedding - my first time as best man, btw - I can say that I felt like crying a bit. It's the commitment that I'm looking for, however the media makes me think that commitment is getting rather rare these days. Those couples that can last upwards of 50 years together really amaze me. I'd love to last with someone that long.

Any other single, unmarried TFP'ers with input on this?

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

girldetective

I love weddings! I like everything about them, mostly the happiness and meaning they bring to a day. I like to attend them and buy gifts for the couple. I like helping with the planning and on the day itself.

However, I wont be getting married anytime soon, if ever.


If I do, it will be very small and I will do it only for love (and cake).

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nomcat

I've been engaged to my girlfriend for just over 2 years, together for over 10 years. We're deeply committed to each other and spoken about it at length and both feel that marriage can't offer us any more than we already have. The only reason we'd have to get married is if she got pregnant (for the child's sake), and even then she only wants something small... VERY close friends and family only... on a beach somewhere, dress code of shorts and sandals... that kind of thing.

Perhaps our opinions will change in years to come... perhaps not...

Bear Cub

Pretty straight forward, I'm not much for weddings, my own or otherwise. If I ever have to endure one, it will be for tax purposes, that's for sure.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

*Nikki*

Agreed!!

Psycho Dad

Depends on the wedding. Last two I went too were both family members. My crazy sister-in-law and my son.

The sister-in-law's ceremony almost lasted as long as the marriage. I don't think there was anyone there that had a any kind of a good feeling about the whole thing including both sets of parents. Sadly about a year later we had the groom's funeral in the same church after he was killed in Iraq.

My son's wedding on the other hand... I was on cloud nine for weeks afterward. My new daughter-in-law is the loveliest young lady that I could have ever asked to be paired with my son. The wonderful emotions I experienced that day will last with me forever. and I feel their marriage will too. I swear I enjoyed that day more than my own wedding day nearly 25 years ago.

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Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

healer

Or his own.

Both mandy and I have fairly large families and most of them live in our city. Our guest list started out at almost 250 - we've subsequently cut that down to about 220 - and that's really just close friends and family.

So we're having a big wedding. And yes, it's a very big deal to both of us. Not just the wedding ceremony itself, but the entire marriage journey....especially the religious aspect of it. Both mandy and I are Christians - she a devout Catholic and me an almost-as-devout Moravian. So getting married before God and with our family and friends as witnesses is the most important thing for us.

2 months, 23 days and counting. I can't wait.

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