cannot be completely attached someone? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

silentbob · 07-21-2008, 04:01 PM

greetings TFP,

i dont know if this is supposed to be in sexuality, but i couldnt find a more fitting place to put this post. (yes i read the stickies up top :P)

Anyways, I find it hard for me to be completely attached to a girl once I get to know them. I do get physically and emotionally connected, but I can never be 100% to someone.

I dont know if being brought up in a religious family has anything to do with it, but when i find out that a girl has been with X amount of guys, it really turns me off . (i know i know, the whole "number" discussion, lets not go there).

I met this girl, and I really do like her, but I cant seem to give her my 100%. I know I absolutely dont have the right to judge someone by their past, but there is always that thought lingering in the back of my mind.

I talk to this girl daily, and as of now we seem to be "friends." But part of me wants to be more than just friends, yet another part of me just wants to remain friends because of her past. I havent talked to her about it, because I dont think she wants or had the need to tell me about it...

Some history about myself...I've been in a serious relationship with one girl in my life (I am now 22), and after that I've taken a big break from the whole dating scene. I dont sleep around with random girls as I see sex as something more than just another typical thing a bf/gf should be doing.

I guess its just hard for me to see how a girl can be with so many different guys in the past, and have sex with all of them, be in "love", then move on to another guy. I would hate to be just another statistic for her.

Is there something wrong with me?

Thanks

SB

Seaver · 07-21-2008, 04:13 PM

I was like that in High School. Basically dumped two great girls when I realized they've been with more than 1 guy. The honesty if I was insecure, that she was more experienced and I would compare myself to those guys. Regardless of how good they were, they were better than I could be in my mind.

My last girlfriend was 10 years older than me, she was 35 when we broke up. I never asked her how many guys she's been with, it didn't matter to me. She was clean, and she taught me things in bed that will help me for the rest of my life.

I know you didn't want to get in this discussion... but it's the crux of the problem. You find a "taint" on them if they've been sexually active. If that is truly important to you than no one can tell you differently. I will say, however, that every woman will have some sort of taint if you stick around long enough. It's accepting of them, and their past, which will give you a future.

Manic_Skafe · 07-21-2008, 06:29 PM

Jut wait until you meet someone incredible but marked or not up to par with your odd sense of purity.

You'll find out then what's important to you.

Ilow · 07-21-2008, 07:01 PM

as much as you don't want this to be a "number" discussion, it appears that this is part of it. As Seaver mentions, you appear to make a girl's sexual experience a major negative. This could certainly be due to your own insecurity, or your religious background, or one of many other reasons. You could certainly find a girl who is a virgin, as some major religious groups advocate, or try to find a way to accept that we all have shortcomings and negatives.

Redlemon · 07-22-2008, 05:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silentbob

I've been in a serious relationship with one girl in my life...

I guess its just hard for me to see how a girl can be with so many different guys in the past, and have sex with all of them, be in "love", then move on to another guy.

Please compare and review these two excerpted sentences.

Did you have sex with that girl? If so, would another girl be permitted to love you, now that that period is over? Even if you didn't have sex with that previous girl, can you envision being in love with a new girl?

JamMasterJames · 08-03-2008, 02:20 AM

I feel that way all the time... little shit can make me feel disgusted by some girls. Call me conceited and shallow, but I just cant give my all to a girl that isnt attractive enough...it seems fucked up to me too but thats just how it is. Also, she could be jennifer lopez but if she was not mature, or had some kind of common sense, I wont give her 100% either.

I guess I hold myself back because I look at most women as potential spouses, and if she doesnt equate to my standards, than she isnt worth commiting myself to. Ive tried to base things solely on personality, but I cant get turned on. Ive dated plenty of girls who were model calibur, yet if she wasnt on the right page mentally i'd feel like I was wasting my time. Its been a problem for me because I havent been in a serious relationship where I actually loved someone, rather than just using them to not feel alone, or to satiate my sexual desires. Maybe I'm just stuck looking for the perfect woman that I can dedicate myself to, who knows... but I'm glad someone kinda knows how I feel =/

gh0ti · 08-03-2008, 05:16 AM

I used to feel this way a whole lot more then I do. I’m 29.

What gets me now more then anything is hypocrisy. I dated this girl for about a year, She had an abortion when she was 17, got married when she was 21 to the guy she was dating because he was about to get deported. She in fact is still married, but separated. According to her I was the immoral one because I smoked marijuana. I really couldn't do it anymore, I liked her, tried to get into her more and more, but something in the back of my head kept telling me this isn't the girl for you. I finally broke it off and told her I was done till she gets divorced. Its been a month.. *yawn* time to start dating again :-)

I think I'm going to try to avoid asking about the past next time around. I really don't think I want to know.. If she's clean, and fertile, that’s really all I need to know.

Cernunnos · 08-03-2008, 09:34 AM

If you are unable to identify the exact religious reason for your inability to commit, the problem is most likely one of insecurity. It's a fairly common problem - she has been with multiple men, how are you going to measure up? As you stated, "I would hate to be just another statistic for her."

The issue I'm seeing is that you are worried that committing to her completely would merely lead to a broken relationship down the road, so you're having trouble finding the courage to invest into the relationship after realizing that she ended so many of them in her past.

You're only 22 years old, and I imagine that she can't be much older. Her relationships have been at a relatively young and immature age, and sometimes, flaws in character or other incompatibilities don't reveal themselves until a relationship is already several months in age. Falling in love can and does happen much sooner. I would challenge you to think back to your own relationship - what attracted you to her in the first place, what allowed you to dedicate yourself to her, and why did the relationship eventually fizzle out?

07-21-2008, 04:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
silentbob Upright	cannot be completely attached someone? greetings TFP, i dont know if this is supposed to be in sexuality, but i couldnt find a more fitting place to put this post. (yes i read the stickies up top :P) Anyways, I find it hard for me to be completely attached to a girl once I get to know them. I do get physically and emotionally connected, but I can never be 100% to someone. I dont know if being brought up in a religious family has anything to do with it, but when i find out that a girl has been with X amount of guys, it really turns me off . (i know i know, the whole "number" discussion, lets not go there). I met this girl, and I really do like her, but I cant seem to give her my 100%. I know I absolutely dont have the right to judge someone by their past, but there is always that thought lingering in the back of my mind. I talk to this girl daily, and as of now we seem to be "friends." But part of me wants to be more than just friends, yet another part of me just wants to remain friends because of her past. I havent talked to her about it, because I dont think she wants or had the need to tell me about it... Some history about myself...I've been in a serious relationship with one girl in my life (I am now 22), and after that I've taken a big break from the whole dating scene. I dont sleep around with random girls as I see sex as something more than just another typical thing a bf/gf should be doing. I guess its just hard for me to see how a girl can be with so many different guys in the past, and have sex with all of them, be in "love", then move on to another guy. I would hate to be just another statistic for her. Is there something wrong with me? Thanks SB

07-21-2008, 04:13 PM	#2 (permalink)
Seaver Junkie Location: Fort Worth, TX	I was like that in High School. Basically dumped two great girls when I realized they've been with more than 1 guy. The honesty if I was insecure, that she was more experienced and I would compare myself to those guys. Regardless of how good they were, they were better than I could be in my mind. My last girlfriend was 10 years older than me, she was 35 when we broke up. I never asked her how many guys she's been with, it didn't matter to me. She was clean, and she taught me things in bed that will help me for the rest of my life. I know you didn't want to get in this discussion... but it's the crux of the problem. You find a "taint" on them if they've been sexually active. If that is truly important to you than no one can tell you differently. I will say, however, that every woman will have some sort of taint if you stick around long enough. It's accepting of them, and their past, which will give you a future. __________________ "Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

07-21-2008, 07:01 PM	#4 (permalink)
Ilow Junkie Location: Pats country	as much as you don't want this to be a "number" discussion, it appears that this is part of it. As Seaver mentions, you appear to make a girl's sexual experience a major negative. This could certainly be due to your own insecurity, or your religious background, or one of many other reasons. You could certainly find a girl who is a virgin, as some major religious groups advocate, or try to find a way to accept that we all have shortcomings and negatives. __________________ "Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about" --Sam Harris

08-03-2008, 05:16 AM	#7 (permalink)
gh0ti Crazy	I used to feel this way a whole lot more then I do. I’m 29. What gets me now more then anything is hypocrisy. I dated this girl for about a year, She had an abortion when she was 17, got married when she was 21 to the guy she was dating because he was about to get deported. She in fact is still married, but separated. According to her I was the immoral one because I smoked marijuana. I really couldn't do it anymore, I liked her, tried to get into her more and more, but something in the back of my head kept telling me this isn't the girl for you. I finally broke it off and told her I was done till she gets divorced. Its been a month.. yawn time to start dating again :-) I think I'm going to try to avoid asking about the past next time around. I really don't think I want to know.. If she's clean, and fertile, that’s really all I need to know. __________________ I ain't often right but I've never been wrong It seldom turns out the way it does in the song Once in a while you get shown the light In the strangest of places if you look at it right

07-21-2008, 06:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
Manic_Skafe More Than You Expect Location: Queens	Jut wait until you meet someone incredible but marked or not up to par with your odd sense of purity. You'll find out then what's important to you.

08-03-2008, 02:20 AM	#6 (permalink)
JamMasterJames Upright	I feel that way all the time... little shit can make me feel disgusted by some girls. Call me conceited and shallow, but I just cant give my all to a girl that isnt attractive enough...it seems fucked up to me too but thats just how it is. Also, she could be jennifer lopez but if she was not mature, or had some kind of common sense, I wont give her 100% either. I guess I hold myself back because I look at most women as potential spouses, and if she doesnt equate to my standards, than she isnt worth commiting myself to. Ive tried to base things solely on personality, but I cant get turned on. Ive dated plenty of girls who were model calibur, yet if she wasnt on the right page mentally i'd feel like I was wasting my time. Its been a problem for me because I havent been in a serious relationship where I actually loved someone, rather than just using them to not feel alone, or to satiate my sexual desires. Maybe I'm just stuck looking for the perfect woman that I can dedicate myself to, who knows... but I'm glad someone kinda knows how I feel =/

08-03-2008, 09:34 AM	#8 (permalink)
Cernunnos Insane Location: Orlando, Florida	If you are unable to identify the exact religious reason for your inability to commit, the problem is most likely one of insecurity. It's a fairly common problem - she has been with multiple men, how are you going to measure up? As you stated, "I would hate to be just another statistic for her." The issue I'm seeing is that you are worried that committing to her completely would merely lead to a broken relationship down the road, so you're having trouble finding the courage to invest into the relationship after realizing that she ended so many of them in her past. You're only 22 years old, and I imagine that she can't be much older. Her relationships have been at a relatively young and immature age, and sometimes, flaws in character or other incompatibilities don't reveal themselves until a relationship is already several months in age. Falling in love can and does happen much sooner. I would challenge you to think back to your own relationship - what attracted you to her in the first place, what allowed you to dedicate yourself to her, and why did the relationship eventually fizzle out?