onetallscully

We are an open minded, progressive couple, that have been together for 9 years. She had NEVER really given any thought all her life to being with women at all, (despite opportunities) until 2 years ago, after years of my fantasizing this, she opened up to the idea a year before our wedding (with no pressure from me) and said she thought she wanted to try women, and asked if she would have my support. We have GREAT communication and trust all around, we are best friends and we are really tight with a GREAT relationship. So naturally not only did I think this was HOT, but also I totally trust her to play with chicks and not leave me for one. Well, we spent a year TALKING about her "experimenting," even went to pre-marital counseling and talked it out there, also laid some boundaries down for both of us. We agreed on these:

1. We would be comfortable with her to first experiment one on one with women to find out if and/or how bi she may be (without me interfering)
2. Once she figured out whether she was attracted to women, if she was, she would eventually be into doing a threesome with limited contact with me via the 3rd. (I am fine with just watching/having sex with her, while she plays with 3rd)
3. We were also ok with her having a semi regular gfriend, as long as I get to meet this woman and know she is treating my wife well, etc. but that if this gf was not available or interested in threesomes, we would be on the look out for a proper candidate outside any steady, one on one gf of hers

We both agreed to these boundaries and talked about them at length, LOTS. Well, we got happily hitched and shortly after the wedding, with my blessings, she starting meeting some ladies one on one. She always keeps me in the loop about what happened with who and when, and I TOTALLY trust her because she is always honest. At first it was just kissing, or a make out, and a date here and there, and then she met let's call HER "S." S and her started up a friendship at first that was flirty but seemingly platonic, (because S also has a male fiance, who is ok with her being bi as well). S ended up being my wifes first same sex lover and they have since continued to develop a close friendship and with all the benefits. I think S is great, met her and her man and she makes my wife happy, even though they only get together about once a month. She is NOT a threesome candidate for us because S has a man, so my wife and S are one on one gf's per se, well now they have been seeing each other for about 6 months and out of nowhere I am having feelings of severe jealousy. I was truly ok with all this in the beginning, but now it is harder and harder for me to share my beautiful and kind wife with someone else. My wife assures me that she will never leave me for S nor any woman, and I totally believe her, I am not afraid of that, I am just plain old jealous! Maybe it is because I haven't gotten in on any action yet and since I can't with S maybe I am just impatient about us finding the right person for the threesome, but then again even if I had the threesome, I may still be jealous of when my wife and S hang out! I see how my wife enjoys this friendship and S is great for her. I want to be supportive, and I am, and I want to CONQUER this jealousy, not give in to it. I am a very spiritual guy (not religious mind you) and I would REALLY like to tackle that part of my ego. I don't want to make my wife unchoose her bisexuality now that she has been enjoying it with my support, I want to learn how to deal with my stuff. I know most people would say she is selfish etc. but really, we all have the capacity to love beyond the boundaries we are believed to keep love in. My wife is happier and heightened with her new state of experimenting, and let me tell you, her experiments have done wonders for OUR sex life too! And also, despite her and S's relationship, never does she treat me with any less love or sex, in fact she has MORE to give. From a professional psychological stand point, does anyone have a solution on how to tackle this basic stupid jealousy?? I would sooo appreciate it! (I'm not looking for people to tell me I should leave my wife, ain't gonna happen, we love each other too much!!) THANK YOU!!!

Seaver

Well, in my experience jealousy can not be conquered. I'm not a jealous guy in any way, I encourage others to dance with my girlfriends all the time. Other friends, however, have tried the path you're taking and it ends up burying the jealousy until it erupts in a firestorm.

Talk to your wife about your feelings NOW. Let her know what your concerns are, obviously being included in this whole aspect was part of what you sought in the beginning. It's not wrong of you to point that out, that you're really being poorly dealt. This was something you were going to let her do, but also be there with her.

The line I've drawn between cheating and an open-relationship is if both members are included in the sexual act. I've never done it, but if my GF wanted to be with another man... I'd have to be there to be ok with it. You can draw whatever line you want, we have all sorts of situations here at the TF.

What you can't do, is not include your wife in your worries and attempt to bury jealousy by shear will. It won't work.

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"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

Ustwo

1. Watch.
2. If it turns out she is less bi and more les, run.

As a man, I don't' really understand jealousy as it pertains to females having sex with other females. My jealousy is the standard programmed visceral genetic 'Glog say you no touch woman, touch woman bad, argh!'

Now with two women together, it changes to .... 'Glog like, mmm you touch woman, now you woman touch other woman, mmm Glog happy, let Glog make cave painting.'

So Glog say, as long as you are confident in your wifes true sexuality and love for you there is nothing to be jealous of or worried about. If so, the jealousy will fade as you will see you have nothing to be jealous about.

Edit: I will warn you, women deciding they are lesbians later in life and running off is not uncommon, I've seen it many times in my practice.

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shesus

You need to figure out the root of your jealousy. It could be many things:

1) Your wife and you have been together for 9 years. Maybe you would have some feelings of insecurities since your love has moved on to other levels. New loves have that butterfly feeling that is special and exciting, but fades over time.
2) You want to be with someone else and find it unfair that she's having all the fun?
3) Do you think that S's fiance is getting any action? I understand your agreement, but this idea could still lurk in the back of your head even if it is unfeasible.
4) You have developed feelings of attraction for S and are jealous of your wife for being with her?
5) Do you think that your wife will leave you for S? Even though you mentioned that she said she never would, it doesn't mean that you truly believe it.

Those are a few rhetorical questions. Just some things for you to ponder and discuss if you deem necessary to help you along.

It seems like you (as a couple) have approached the situation in a mature and safe manner. However, no matter how many books you read, discussions you have, or how strong a relationship is trouble can still arise. Nothing is perfect. I hope that you can look in yourself and come to terms with your jealousy. It's an ugly beast and is often irrational which makes it tough to conquer.

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ratbastid

MAN have you come to the right place! I'm glad to have this to comment on.

A little background. My wife (who doesn't come here much anymore, but goes by "lurkette") is bisexual. We experimented with relationships "outside" for some time, with varying levels of sanity and success. Currently--and for life, as far as we can see right now--we have an amazing and wonderful relationship with a woman whom you'll see here posting under the name StellaLuna. The three of us live together, and have since the beginning of 2007, and so far it's been the best year-and-a-third of my life.

Okay, this is perfectly said. You keep standing HERE, and I PROMISE you, everything's going to work out.

And it may not be pretty on its way to working out.

Little story. A few years ago, lurky and I were seeing a woman, a married woman whose husband was (at this point) entirely cool with it. We were seeing her together, which was our agreement and arrangement. We saw both of them socially, and mostly took her to bed, although he was sometimes there too as a peripheral player, which actually worked just fine for him.

Sounds great, right? Except it wasn't, quite. See, our object of affection has a thing for teasing and withholding. She plays games and has arcane rules and is generally touchy. We knew all this going in, but the net effect is, we don't experience getting what we want from her. Or at least, not reliably. So there's always tension, always being left wanting more. And--and here I'll speak strictly for myself--my dissatisfaction starts coming out in snarky, mean, petty, pressuring ways. I start putting more and more pressure on her, which pushes right into her teasing/withholding thing, and makes her resist even more; big vicious circle.

Finally she has the wherewithal to end it... with me. But says she still wants to be with lurkette.

And thus began one of the hardest, most painful, most transformational periods of my life. First, I had to deal with being dumped. Second, I had to deal with the woman I love most in the world's sexual expression being on the line, and the question of whether I was going to let my jealousy and hurt squash that. I'm ashamed to say that for a while, I did. I was all wrapped up in my little bundle of pain, and couldn't let them be together without me.

Finally, I had to have a sit-down with myself. I got some distance from it, and really created a commitment to my wife's sexual expression that's bigger than my hurt little feelings. I let them pursue their relationship, and committed myself to mastering my emotional reaction to it. Ultimately, here's what I saw: it made her happy. It made her happy in a way that I can't (and, I saw, I make her happy in a way this girl couldn't). And I started getting glad she had that in her life to make her happy.

There's more to the story (I was soon back "in" after chilling out, then her husband melted down and we ended it with her), but that's the part that pertains to your situation.

My advice to you: look to create a commitment (and it WILL have to be CREATED) that's bigger than your emotions. Get interested in her happiness. Have that be more important to you than your jealousy or your left-outness or however you'd characterize what you're feeling. Don't discount what you're feeling, or try to feel something other than what you feel; just have something bigger than your feelings that you're ACTUALLY interested in.

It might be interesting to analyze your emotions (ie. is it your wife you're jealous of sharing? Is it that you wish you could be with S too? etc, etc, etc), but that can also be a long, dark tunnel that doesn't lead anywhere. I'd encourage you not to get too fascinated with yourself, at this point.

Feel free to ask any questions--my life's pretty much an open book here on TFP. You're welcome to PM me, if you're more comfortable.

World's King

Take pictures.

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tecoyah

Be very careful....VERY!

Each individual relationship is of course unique....but very few under these circumstances end well, in my experience.

Yet they do seem....to end.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

genuinegirly

Ratbastid gives you some very excellent advice.

Do not worry. With the level of open communication you have developed, and the fact that you are this unbelievably supportive, your wife is not likely to walk away.

She will appreciate any sentiments that you share regarding this relationship. Express that you are experiencing some jealousy and that you are not content, that you want to move beyond it. Continue to share your love with her.

After she has gained some experience, she will likely search out a more applicable other.

Since you mentioned spirituality, I recommend you mediate daily on the violence in this world that has arisen from jealousy, conemplate how you may remove yourself from the cycle, develop a personal mantra, repeat it fifteen times, then focus on happiness and how you can share happiness with the world when you have broken from jealousy.

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cadre

First of all, I'm very glad to hear that there are men like you in the world.

As far as your problem goes: Jealousy can be conquered but it takes time and patience. Your jealousy won't go away overnight but if you take the time to figure out what is making you jealous, you can fix it.

If the problem is that you haven't had a chance to get in on this yet then you should definitely bring it up with your wife and work something out. Either way, I would let your wife know your feelings and see if you two can get to the route of it.

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