How would you handle this situation? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

randygurl · 08-10-2007, 02:54 PM

Let me start off by saying that I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible - lol!

I am currently seeing a co-worker of mine and we have been presented with a few obstacles in our relationship that are becoming increasingly difficult to deal with (at least from my end). I'll give a brief rundown of how things have progressed between us:

When we first started seeing each other, it was casual (we were just going for lunch dates, getting to know one another, etc - we had been friends to begin with so it was implied that things were being taken to the next level but it wasn't rushed into) yet we also both wanted to keep it on the DL for a few reasons. 1 - we weren't ready for people at work in general to know and 2 - he has a few close friends at work that are female that have definite jealous sides and he wasn't quite yet prepared to deal with that. Plus it was still new and we didn't want to have to cross those bridges until we knew how we felt about one another.

After we had been seeing each other for a bit (and after we slept together) it became quite apparent to both of us that we were falling for one another (both of us admitted that we hadn't felt this way in a long time and that we cared very deeply for the other person). This took us both by surprise because it hadn't been that long yet (we're talking about a month here) but it just felt right...

I am a naturally open person and am close with a bunch of people at work (I would consider a few of them to be among my closest friends) and so of course I wanted to share with them this recent happiness in my life - though I did ask them to use discretion as it wasn't common knowledge yet.

Inevitably the news got out that we were seeing each other and shit hit the fan so to speak. One girl in particular who works closely with 'Matt' (we'll call him Matt) went postal on him when she found out.

*Explanation* She is one of the three girls mentioned in the outset who have distinct jealous sides. I don't know if she was so upset because she didn't hear about it from him personally or because she's jealous (not in the sense that she would want to be with him herself, just in the sense that he is her close male friend and it pangs her to see him close with another woman). He hasn't been in a serious relationship for about a year and a half and he was in the midst of that relationship when he started working at this company and became friends with these girls.

And the other two girls were quite unhappy at the news too - one in particular has had feelings for him for quite a while but will never act on them (for a few reasons - too long to explain) and plus when Matt became aware of them, he explained that he loved her dearly, but as a sister and nothing more. I think the other two were also upset on the third's girls behalf because they are all very close friends.

We didn't face any repercussions from our employer because our jobs don't intersect at all within the company and our head of HR basically told us that we're allowed to date (as we found out when Matt had a sit-down with her when it all came out) so that's not the problem.

The problem lies mainly with these three women because as part of damage control after everything turned south, Matt told me that he wanted to give everyone the impression that we were no longer seeing each other (when of course we still were). I know that he is trying to please everyone and keep the peace (he wasn't prepared for the amount of hostility these girls gave him when they found out) and he did say that that is the way things would have to be for now, but then he also said he couldn't promise me a relationship in the future....

I think he fears that these obstacles will never go away and I don't know if he knows how to deal with them....

Now of course, needless to say - I am faced with quite the dilemma - I have clearly fallen for this guy (and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way) yet I can't speak to any of my friends about it (in fact, I've had to lie to them and tell them that we weren't seeing each other anymore - so as to avoid anyone else finding out). The only obstacle standing in our way are his friends (and we're talking only about these three girls, not all his friends - I've met his brother and a few of his guy friends and as far as I'm concerned, they all approve) and frankly the issue lies strictly with them and their fucked up jealousy. If you ask me, I think they're all acting extremely childish and immature. If your friend is happy in a relationship, shouldn't you be a good friend and just be happy for them?

*Explanation* I should point out that these girls were completely polite and nice to me before they found out that I was seeing their friend. They are quite a bit cliquey at work and refuse to allow anyone in their group. I'm not a horrible person, so I don't think they are validated in feeling so hostile towards me nor for being so disapproving of our relationship

So I'm faced with the issue of where to go from here - because the more time I spend with Matt, the more its becoming painfully obvious that I cannot put up with this arrangement for much longer. Yet I don't want to be just another female in his life who puts pressure on him (as these other girls are doing). But I feel I have a right to speak up about my own happiness....
I'm almost certain that if they were to just back off and be happy for him, that we would take the next step of officially becoming a couple (and not have to hide it, etc - obviously things would be kept professional while at work, but you know what I mean...).

When I'm with him, we're both just so invested in the relationship - and its hard for me to just turn that off when we're around other people! - and I really don't think he could be fabricating these feelings and emotions.

So do I speak with him honestly and say how I feel and say that I'd like to be a true couple in every sense of the word but that I can't remain as we are any longer, and until he and his friends can work out this situation, then I'm going to have to step back from this relationship? Because the more and more time I spend with him, the more I fall for him and if things don't change, I feel as though I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak....

At the end of the day - what would you do in this situation?

P.S - sorry for the long post - I just wanted to explain myself as clearly as possible so you all would be able to make educated responses

Oh and thanks in advance for any replies - as you can see, I'm limited in who I can talk to about this and any input at all will be hugely appreciated!!!

ngdawg · 08-10-2007, 03:24 PM

You don't say how long you've been seeing each other; I'd assume a few months?
There's no need to 'give the impression' you aren't seeing one another-just don't resort to PDA's at work. If he is advocating lying to these 3 to make himself look good and avoid their pettiness, then he has some issues. Lying will bite him in the ass at some point. Does he prefer having these three idolize him and want him?
Best thing-keep quiet at work, make noise at night

I found out that two of my managers at the store I worked at were planning on getting engaged and no one even knew they were seeing each other! It became news only after one got transferred.

Hyacinthe · 08-10-2007, 06:41 PM

I want you to read what you posted and think what you would tell a friend who was in your situation.

Being in a relationship involves sharing your life with someone, you have to think not only of what will make you happy but what will make your partner happy. You can't decide you're in a relationship at this location and not when you step out the door.

At the moment you're investing yourself in this relationship and as much as you believe he is to I don't see it. What I see is the fact that because a few of his friends got upset he has shoved you back in the closet as though he's done something wrong and they have the right to punish him about it. I don't see him giving you any support in this situation and really don't think he's valuing you as a potential / current partner.

If I was you I would do exactly what you suggested

Quote:

So do I speak with him honestly and say how I feel and say that I'd like to be a true couple in every sense of the word but that I can't remain as we are any longer, and until he and his friends can work out this situation, then I'm going to have to step back from this relationship? Because the more and more time I spend with him, the more I fall for him and if things don't change, I feel as though I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak....

ItWasMe · 08-11-2007, 05:24 PM

I don't know of any man who would let a couple of girls at work chase him off from a woman is has really fallen for. Wanting to keep things professional at work is one thing. Saying 'let's pretend we broke up so they won't be mad, and by the way I can't promise a relationship'... I don't see that in a grown man who is invested in another person. Maybe a third grade boy. It would be interesting to hear a man's perspective on that.

I agree with Hyacinthe about having the chat that you suggested. I hope it all works out well with you.

Impetuous1 · 08-11-2007, 06:34 PM

Yeah, I agree. Definitely have a chat with him. Something's off here, if he cares so much about these girls' feelings instead of yours. Unless you're just a booty call. Telling you to lie to your friends and coworkers and then telling you he can't promise you a relationship IMO is a big red flag. Why are you following his wishes anyway about lying to your friends? Stand up for yourself. Don't let yourself be disrespected. Unless he stands up for you in front of his "friends" then you've got nothing with him. Sounds like he may be trying to keep his options open with these women.

albania · 08-11-2007, 06:56 PM

Something doesn’t quite add up here. The events as I believe you’ve related them are as follows: you start dating guy at work, then his friends find out, subsequently shit hits the fan, and now you’re pretending to not be dating guy at work. You say his friends are jealous, however, that’s not a compelling enough reason to set the wheels in motion for the events you describe. Rational people don’t behave this way.

I see two possibilities, either his friends are irrational or that they have some other grievance towards you. If his friends are irrational then I’d advise you to stay away from this guy. A person who picks as friends people who seem to be utterly selfish(I suppose the word bitches would apply) and then listens to them for advice probably has some issues. If, on the other hand, they have some other grievance towards you then the actions that he’s taking seem to indicate that he agrees with them. That is to say, he wants to pretend you’re not dating because he’s embarrassed. When his friends bring up whatever nasty thing they want to say he has nothing to say in return; or worse, he’s convinced by whatever argument they have against your relationship.

As a guy I would never let my friends dictate who I date, and I would certainly never hide it from them. If I really had fallen for someone I would go to great lengths to maintain a relationship.

Midnight · 08-11-2007, 07:10 PM

If someone truly cares for you, they are not going to let anything stand in their way when it comes to your relationship.

This just smacks of one more man wanting to appear available, when in fact they are not. (ie: pocketing the wedding ring in the bar while out with the guys)

You deserve, and should demand (not from this idiot, but in life) better than what you are getting here.

MrFriendly · 08-11-2007, 08:46 PM

Hmmmmmm

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I don't think the guy needs to be red flagged for this. I think he's just someone whose trying to hard to keep everyone happy.

Basically, I think the dude should just grow some balls. If you guys want to be together then you should be able to be together open and honestly. If his "friends" can't deal with that, that is seriously their problem, not yours, and not his.

The idea of lying to everyone to keep the peace is a bit cowardly though, he sounds like he needs a bit more self confidence.

Like others have suggested, talk to him about this. Gritting your teeth and bearing it isn't fair at all. You guys need to talk about this and you need to make your feelings on this known.

But yeah, he doesn't sound like he's a bad guy, he just need to learn to stand up for his own interests, and he needs to consider you interests and feelings a bit more as well.

Merlocke · 08-12-2007, 12:19 AM

love and friendship should be on the same side. If they're opposing, you're going to have to pick a side to live with, and find either new "love" or "friendship" to replace the one left behind.

If they are really his friends - they should be happy for him, and not jealous.

eribrav · 08-12-2007, 04:15 AM

Spine. The answer is spine.
He's either spineless, in which case you need to dump his ass, or he's just leading you on but not really that interested, in which case you might as well get let down now before you really get too attached.

Willravel · 08-12-2007, 09:50 AM

These women are twits, and he needs to step up.

randygurl · 08-13-2007, 10:45 AM

I think a few of you hit it right on the head - he does need to grow some balls and stick up for his own interests more.

We ended up having a long talk about things and while I didn't come right out and tell him that I was going to step back from the relationship, I did raise my doubts and we discussed them. Because I know these friends of his (their not just faceless names to me) I can understand where he is coming from. There are a lot of aspects that come into play as to why they disapprove of our relationship (none of which are because they have any grievance towards me) - some of which involve religion, jealousy, etc. And because I have a well rounded view of where they're coming from, I'm willing to put up with this situation for now.

The way it stand now is that Matt and I are going to keep our relationship completely secret from the three of them until it gets to the point where Matt can go and say to them that we're madly in love and then they'll either have to accept it, or if they force him to choose - than our relationship will be at the point where he'll choose me over their friendships (of course we both hope that never happens - I really don't want them to force him to choose). But he wants to know that what we have will be worth it before he puts his friendships in jeporady like that. He's been hurt before in the past and he doesn't want to get ahead of himself until he knows exactly how he feels and how I feel. But during our discussion last night, everything was spoken about in the sense of its just a matter of when, not if. We both know we're falling for each other and we both know we're going to get to that point, and we'll deal with the repercussions when that does happen. He did say last night that with every day that he spends with me, he's becoming more and more convinced that its worth it (and i feel the same).

So ya - that's the latest development and I have a lot less doubts about everything and I feel happier (I know its still not an ideal situation, but we're going to make the best of it).....

Thanks for all of the input!

Sultana · 08-13-2007, 11:07 AM

Personally, I would NEVER tolerate a relationship where it has to remain secret. Life is too f*cking short.

Who gives a crap what these women think or where they're coming from in religion, jealousy, whatever. Any time a man cares more of the opinion of co-workers than of mine--he'd be OUT of my bed, and OUT of my life.

MrFriendly · 08-13-2007, 04:06 PM

I understand that stupid little complicated stuff like this happens. Nothing good ever comes easy.

But in the last 8months I watched a friendship get completely torn apart because friend A starting going out with friend B's friend. Yu know what, friend B was being a totally selfish tool by having such an issue with it.

You two should be able to be completely open about your relationship. And I really don't see why it's any of their business. I stand by what I said, your boy needs to man up, and his friends need to seriously get over themselves.

I don't mean to sound aggressive, just seen to much of this kind of bullocks in my own life recently.

Just like Sultana said, life really is just too short.

Midnight · 08-13-2007, 05:23 PM

*applause for Sultana*

Hell yeah. Life is too short

ItWasMe · 08-14-2007, 12:14 AM

You lost me on the 'if they make him choose' part. If I am with someone, and anyone in my life disapproves, 'they' can choose to mtob and be civil, or not be included in my social life.

It's interesting that you'd feel the need to 'go to' your coworkers to present your case later. Have you considered changing employers?

Edit: I forgot to ask. Are these people only coworkers, or are these his friends that he sees after work?

randygurl · 08-14-2007, 09:49 AM

these are really close friends of his that he just happens to work with. they spend a lot of time together outside of work and they've been friends for about six years now....

JustJess · 08-14-2007, 10:18 AM

I've been following, and I still think Sultana's got it for the win: they are his friends, not his masters. If they truly care about him, they will back off. And if he truly cares about you, he will make them back off.

/wonders when the workplace regressed to HS, fer crissakes

randygurl · 08-14-2007, 12:01 PM

ya, I know exactly what you mean - I feel like I'm in high school all over again and I really just want to say 'I'm not putting up with this bullshit!" but for some reason, its a lot trickier than that....

Sultana · 08-14-2007, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by randygurl

ya, I know exactly what you mean - I feel like I'm in high school all over again and I really just want to say 'I'm not putting up with this bullshit!" but for some reason, its a lot trickier than that....

No, actually, it's not. Not to come across as harsh, but you will have exactly as much drama in your life, and in this relationship, as you will tolerate.

randygurl · 08-14-2007, 12:11 PM

I wish I had your balls Sultana because trust me, I do want to say all this and tell him that I'm not going to put up with this bullshit anymore, but I guess I'm just weak or something - I'm afraid that by pressuring him to take action, that it'll just backfire and cause me to lose him....I'll gladly put up with all this for now if my other option is only to lose him...

Sultana · 08-14-2007, 12:19 PM

Well, I didn't start out this way, that's for sure. I had to earn my stripes, through situations like this.

Good luck, and remember you can end the rollercoaster ride at any time by putting one hand over your mouth and the other in the air.

08-10-2007, 02:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
randygurl Tilted Location: Vancouver	How would you handle this situation? Let me start off by saying that I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible - lol! I am currently seeing a co-worker of mine and we have been presented with a few obstacles in our relationship that are becoming increasingly difficult to deal with (at least from my end). I'll give a brief rundown of how things have progressed between us: When we first started seeing each other, it was casual (we were just going for lunch dates, getting to know one another, etc - we had been friends to begin with so it was implied that things were being taken to the next level but it wasn't rushed into) yet we also both wanted to keep it on the DL for a few reasons. 1 - we weren't ready for people at work in general to know and 2 - he has a few close friends at work that are female that have definite jealous sides and he wasn't quite yet prepared to deal with that. Plus it was still new and we didn't want to have to cross those bridges until we knew how we felt about one another. After we had been seeing each other for a bit (and after we slept together) it became quite apparent to both of us that we were falling for one another (both of us admitted that we hadn't felt this way in a long time and that we cared very deeply for the other person). This took us both by surprise because it hadn't been that long yet (we're talking about a month here) but it just felt right... I am a naturally open person and am close with a bunch of people at work (I would consider a few of them to be among my closest friends) and so of course I wanted to share with them this recent happiness in my life - though I did ask them to use discretion as it wasn't common knowledge yet. Inevitably the news got out that we were seeing each other and shit hit the fan so to speak. One girl in particular who works closely with 'Matt' (we'll call him Matt) went postal on him when she found out. Explanation She is one of the three girls mentioned in the outset who have distinct jealous sides. I don't know if she was so upset because she didn't hear about it from him personally or because she's jealous (not in the sense that she would want to be with him herself, just in the sense that he is her close male friend and it pangs her to see him close with another woman). He hasn't been in a serious relationship for about a year and a half and he was in the midst of that relationship when he started working at this company and became friends with these girls. And the other two girls were quite unhappy at the news too - one in particular has had feelings for him for quite a while but will never act on them (for a few reasons - too long to explain) and plus when Matt became aware of them, he explained that he loved her dearly, but as a sister and nothing more. I think the other two were also upset on the third's girls behalf because they are all very close friends. We didn't face any repercussions from our employer because our jobs don't intersect at all within the company and our head of HR basically told us that we're allowed to date (as we found out when Matt had a sit-down with her when it all came out) so that's not the problem. The problem lies mainly with these three women because as part of damage control after everything turned south, Matt told me that he wanted to give everyone the impression that we were no longer seeing each other (when of course we still were). I know that he is trying to please everyone and keep the peace (he wasn't prepared for the amount of hostility these girls gave him when they found out) and he did say that that is the way things would have to be for now, but then he also said he couldn't promise me a relationship in the future.... I think he fears that these obstacles will never go away and I don't know if he knows how to deal with them.... Now of course, needless to say - I am faced with quite the dilemma - I have clearly fallen for this guy (and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way) yet I can't speak to any of my friends about it (in fact, I've had to lie to them and tell them that we weren't seeing each other anymore - so as to avoid anyone else finding out). The only obstacle standing in our way are his friends (and we're talking only about these three girls, not all his friends - I've met his brother and a few of his guy friends and as far as I'm concerned, they all approve) and frankly the issue lies strictly with them and their fucked up jealousy. If you ask me, I think they're all acting extremely childish and immature. If your friend is happy in a relationship, shouldn't you be a good friend and just be happy for them? Explanation I should point out that these girls were completely polite and nice to me before they found out that I was seeing their friend. They are quite a bit cliquey at work and refuse to allow anyone in their group. I'm not a horrible person, so I don't think they are validated in feeling so hostile towards me nor for being so disapproving of our relationship So I'm faced with the issue of where to go from here - because the more time I spend with Matt, the more its becoming painfully obvious that I cannot put up with this arrangement for much longer. Yet I don't want to be just another female in his life who puts pressure on him (as these other girls are doing). But I feel I have a right to speak up about my own happiness.... I'm almost certain that if they were to just back off and be happy for him, that we would take the next step of officially becoming a couple (and not have to hide it, etc - obviously things would be kept professional while at work, but you know what I mean...). When I'm with him, we're both just so invested in the relationship - and its hard for me to just turn that off when we're around other people! - and I really don't think he could be fabricating these feelings and emotions. So do I speak with him honestly and say how I feel and say that I'd like to be a true couple in every sense of the word but that I can't remain as we are any longer, and until he and his friends can work out this situation, then I'm going to have to step back from this relationship? Because the more and more time I spend with him, the more I fall for him and if things don't change, I feel as though I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak.... At the end of the day - what would you do in this situation? P.S - sorry for the long post - I just wanted to explain myself as clearly as possible so you all would be able to make educated responses Oh and thanks in advance for any replies - as you can see, I'm limited in who I can talk to about this and any input at all will be hugely appreciated!!!

08-10-2007, 03:24 PM	#2 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	You don't say how long you've been seeing each other; I'd assume a few months? There's no need to 'give the impression' you aren't seeing one another-just don't resort to PDA's at work. If he is advocating lying to these 3 to make himself look good and avoid their pettiness, then he has some issues. Lying will bite him in the ass at some point. Does he prefer having these three idolize him and want him? Best thing-keep quiet at work, make noise at night I found out that two of my managers at the store I worked at were planning on getting engaged and no one even knew they were seeing each other! It became news only after one got transferred. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

08-11-2007, 05:24 PM	#4 (permalink)
ItWasMe But You'll Never Prove It. Location: under your bed	I don't know of any man who would let a couple of girls at work chase him off from a woman is has really fallen for. Wanting to keep things professional at work is one thing. Saying 'let's pretend we broke up so they won't be mad, and by the way I can't promise a relationship'... I don't see that in a grown man who is invested in another person. Maybe a third grade boy. It would be interesting to hear a man's perspective on that. I agree with Hyacinthe about having the chat that you suggested. I hope it all works out well with you. __________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

08-11-2007, 08:46 PM	#8 (permalink)
MrFriendly Psycho Location: Australia	Hmmmmmm I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think the guy needs to be red flagged for this. I think he's just someone whose trying to hard to keep everyone happy. Basically, I think the dude should just grow some balls. If you guys want to be together then you should be able to be together open and honestly. If his "friends" can't deal with that, that is seriously their problem, not yours, and not his. The idea of lying to everyone to keep the peace is a bit cowardly though, he sounds like he needs a bit more self confidence. Like others have suggested, talk to him about this. Gritting your teeth and bearing it isn't fair at all. You guys need to talk about this and you need to make your feelings on this known. But yeah, he doesn't sound like he's a bad guy, he just need to learn to stand up for his own interests, and he needs to consider you interests and feelings a bit more as well. __________________ You are not a slave

08-12-2007, 12:19 AM	#9 (permalink)
Merlocke Location: Canada	love and friendship should be on the same side. If they're opposing, you're going to have to pick a side to live with, and find either new "love" or "friendship" to replace the one left behind. If they are really his friends - they should be happy for him, and not jealous. __________________ -=[ Merlocke ]=-

08-11-2007, 06:34 PM	#5 (permalink)
Impetuous1 Insane Location: Arizona	Yeah, I agree. Definitely have a chat with him. Something's off here, if he cares so much about these girls' feelings instead of yours. Unless you're just a booty call. Telling you to lie to your friends and coworkers and then telling you he can't promise you a relationship IMO is a big red flag. Why are you following his wishes anyway about lying to your friends? Stand up for yourself. Don't let yourself be disrespected. Unless he stands up for you in front of his "friends" then you've got nothing with him. Sounds like he may be trying to keep his options open with these women.

08-11-2007, 06:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
albania Psycho	Something doesn’t quite add up here. The events as I believe you’ve related them are as follows: you start dating guy at work, then his friends find out, subsequently shit hits the fan, and now you’re pretending to not be dating guy at work. You say his friends are jealous, however, that’s not a compelling enough reason to set the wheels in motion for the events you describe. Rational people don’t behave this way. I see two possibilities, either his friends are irrational or that they have some other grievance towards you. If his friends are irrational then I’d advise you to stay away from this guy. A person who picks as friends people who seem to be utterly selfish(I suppose the word bitches would apply) and then listens to them for advice probably has some issues. If, on the other hand, they have some other grievance towards you then the actions that he’s taking seem to indicate that he agrees with them. That is to say, he wants to pretend you’re not dating because he’s embarrassed. When his friends bring up whatever nasty thing they want to say he has nothing to say in return; or worse, he’s convinced by whatever argument they have against your relationship. As a guy I would never let my friends dictate who I date, and I would certainly never hide it from them. If I really had fallen for someone I would go to great lengths to maintain a relationship.

08-11-2007, 07:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
Midnight Banned Location: Chicago's western burbs	If someone truly cares for you, they are not going to let anything stand in their way when it comes to your relationship. This just smacks of one more man wanting to appear available, when in fact they are not. (ie: pocketing the wedding ring in the bar while out with the guys) You deserve, and should demand (not from this idiot, but in life) better than what you are getting here.

08-12-2007, 04:15 AM	#10 (permalink)
eribrav Junkie Location: upstate NY	Spine. The answer is spine. He's either spineless, in which case you need to dump his ass, or he's just leading you on but not really that interested, in which case you might as well get let down now before you really get too attached.

08-12-2007, 09:50 AM	#11 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	These women are twits, and he needs to step up.

08-13-2007, 10:45 AM	#12 (permalink)
randygurl Tilted Location: Vancouver	I think a few of you hit it right on the head - he does need to grow some balls and stick up for his own interests more. We ended up having a long talk about things and while I didn't come right out and tell him that I was going to step back from the relationship, I did raise my doubts and we discussed them. Because I know these friends of his (their not just faceless names to me) I can understand where he is coming from. There are a lot of aspects that come into play as to why they disapprove of our relationship (none of which are because they have any grievance towards me) - some of which involve religion, jealousy, etc. And because I have a well rounded view of where they're coming from, I'm willing to put up with this situation for now. The way it stand now is that Matt and I are going to keep our relationship completely secret from the three of them until it gets to the point where Matt can go and say to them that we're madly in love and then they'll either have to accept it, or if they force him to choose - than our relationship will be at the point where he'll choose me over their friendships (of course we both hope that never happens - I really don't want them to force him to choose). But he wants to know that what we have will be worth it before he puts his friendships in jeporady like that. He's been hurt before in the past and he doesn't want to get ahead of himself until he knows exactly how he feels and how I feel. But during our discussion last night, everything was spoken about in the sense of its just a matter of when, not if. We both know we're falling for each other and we both know we're going to get to that point, and we'll deal with the repercussions when that does happen. He did say last night that with every day that he spends with me, he's becoming more and more convinced that its worth it (and i feel the same). So ya - that's the latest development and I have a lot less doubts about everything and I feel happier (I know its still not an ideal situation, but we're going to make the best of it)..... Thanks for all of the input!

08-13-2007, 11:07 AM	#13 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Personally, I would NEVER tolerate a relationship where it has to remain secret. Life is too fcking short. Who gives a crap what these women think or where they're coming from in religion, jealousy, whatever. Any time a man cares more of the opinion of co-workers than of mine--he'd be OUT of my bed, and OUT of my life. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening* My goal? To fulfill my potential.

08-13-2007, 04:06 PM	#14 (permalink)
MrFriendly Psycho Location: Australia	I understand that stupid little complicated stuff like this happens. Nothing good ever comes easy. But in the last 8months I watched a friendship get completely torn apart because friend A starting going out with friend B's friend. Yu know what, friend B was being a totally selfish tool by having such an issue with it. You two should be able to be completely open about your relationship. And I really don't see why it's any of their business. I stand by what I said, your boy needs to man up, and his friends need to seriously get over themselves. I don't mean to sound aggressive, just seen to much of this kind of bullocks in my own life recently. Just like Sultana said, life really is just too short. __________________ You are not a slave Last edited by MrFriendly; 08-13-2007 at 05:29 PM..

08-13-2007, 05:23 PM	#15 (permalink)
Midnight Banned Location: Chicago's western burbs	applause for Sultana Hell yeah. Life is too short

08-14-2007, 12:14 AM	#16 (permalink)
ItWasMe But You'll Never Prove It. Location: under your bed	You lost me on the 'if they make him choose' part. If I am with someone, and anyone in my life disapproves, 'they' can choose to mtob and be civil, or not be included in my social life. It's interesting that you'd feel the need to 'go to' your coworkers to present your case later. Have you considered changing employers? Edit: I forgot to ask. Are these people only coworkers, or are these his friends that he sees after work? __________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe Last edited by ItWasMe; 08-14-2007 at 12:18 AM.. Reason: Because I'm forgetful.

08-14-2007, 09:49 AM	#17 (permalink)
randygurl Tilted Location: Vancouver	these are really close friends of his that he just happens to work with. they spend a lot of time together outside of work and they've been friends for about six years now....

08-14-2007, 10:18 AM	#18 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	I've been following, and I still think Sultana's got it for the win: they are his friends, not his masters. If they truly care about him, they will back off. And if he truly cares about you, he will make them back off. /wonders when the workplace regressed to HS, fer crissakes __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

08-14-2007, 12:01 PM	#19 (permalink)
randygurl Tilted Location: Vancouver	ya, I know exactly what you mean - I feel like I'm in high school all over again and I really just want to say 'I'm not putting up with this bullshit!" but for some reason, its a lot trickier than that....

08-14-2007, 12:11 PM	#21 (permalink)
randygurl Tilted Location: Vancouver	I wish I had your balls Sultana because trust me, I do want to say all this and tell him that I'm not going to put up with this bullshit anymore, but I guess I'm just weak or something - I'm afraid that by pressuring him to take action, that it'll just backfire and cause me to lose him....I'll gladly put up with all this for now if my other option is only to lose him...

08-14-2007, 12:19 PM	#22 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Well, I didn't start out this way, that's for sure. I had to earn my stripes, through situations like this. Good luck, and remember you can end the rollercoaster ride at any time by putting one hand over your mouth and the other in the air. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.