queer

hello

i was wondering if anyone here could provide some insight to my situation...

so, i have this friend who is a girl, (i am a straight guy despite my username), we used to be quite close but nothing major ever happened. so to get to the point, we aren't close anymore, but i want us to be. i am really afraid of loosing friends and as a result i can appear quite clingy. she hates that. recently we are becoming closer again tho.

but i care quite a lot about her, and worry about her because she seems to get in bad situations more often than not. all this worrying really gets me down and has a very negative affect on my life (ie: her wellbeing becomes my no1 priority, leaving me doing nothing for myself). i fear for her safety sometimes, mostly fear self inflicted injurys (not that this has happened before, i just worry that it may).

so i guess my problem is that having her in my life is a bad thing but i like her too much to block her out, plus this my fault, not hers, i can't take it out on her.

so anyway, thanks for readin if you did... any help would be great.

Nisses

I think you might do good to question yourself and your motives a bit too. It seems like you worry a whole lot.

Why do you worry this much? Do you trust her despite yourself?
Do you worry so much about other people as well?

Sometimes people thrive in different situations than your own (concerning the "bad situations" you mentioned). Maybe it's her way of living itself that sort of leads to it, and she is used to living this way.

I think you might wanna "let go" a bit more. It's not that you would release her and cut all friendly ties with her. It's just something like a mother or a father finding faith in their children, and realising they can make it in the world, without constant help.


And I definitly don't think you should stop having her in your life. A friend is a valuable commodity, they are more than a person, and help you to become more as well.

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queer

hmm... good advice, i do worry about her more than my other friends. and the reason our friendship has been getting better lately is because i have '"let go" a bit more'. but we are far from being to where we were.

i don't know why i worry about her so much, but i feel like i really have to keep her safe (i know that sounds so lame, but i don't know how else to express it).

she also can really upset me, not on purpose (well maybe sometimes because i can see how my 'clingyness' can be very irritating) but i really hate it when she does this. i really feel worthless sometimes.

thanks for the reply

rogue49

sounds like you have a "rescuer" complex,
take it from someone who has one.

although you might care for her
you cannot solve her issues and all her problems
she is a big girl, and it is up to her to get herself out of it,
her own way...and if it hurts, so be it
for some, that's the only way they will learn.

just support, and be there for her...to listen, to talk
not to do or to preach.
when she needs it, she will ask.

I have this problem myself, thinking I can solve the woes of someone I care for.
Focus on yourself, and your own problems.
What happens, happens
Let it go.

warrrreagl

I apologize in advance, but I won't be able to sleep unless I do this (especially since I keep seeing this thread title everytime I look at the Tilted Advice frontpage).

She's outta your life? She's outta your life?
Damned inhibition and cursed pride!
You kept your love for her locked deep inside,
And now it cuts like a knife, because
She's outta your life.


Sorry, sorry, sorry, but at least I feel so much better now.

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oblar

damn, warrrreagl.... I really like that poem *copies it to a text file*..

granted, I will only probably read it when upset, but I really enjoy it. Need to show that to a friend of mine.

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ganon

sounds like she's on the wire and you're the safety net, and you like it like that, because it gives you a place in her life. emotions kinda suck like that. we want to be invested in peoples lives, but they don't show it as much as us, or something else happens to complicate it. I think you might have to get a little less worrisome (spl?) in her life and yours, and just go with the flow.

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geep

A symbiotic relationship usually doesn't work in the long run. Your worrying (mothering) may make you a terrific father someday but I would think twice about having kids with her if she's prone to getting in trouble. If she's a friend I suggest you do your best to keep her as a friend, but let go of your worries. Your not her father.

lurkette

Have to agree with the rest of the peanuts in the gallery.

There's a huge difference between helping someone and trying to fix them. It's one thing to say, hey I'm really worried about you and if there's anything I can do let me know. It's completely another thing to try to own the other person's problems (forgive the therapy-speak) and try to fix them without their really wanting you to.

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eyeseepeedude

I can't agree more...

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queer

thanks a lot for all the replies, i have since taken them all into consideration and things have improved quite a lot since i have backed off. now i just gotta keep it going this way.

thanks agian

boredjerk

yup, I gotta fix-it complex too. Tried to fix sluts, bulemics, druggies, you name it. I still do it but I catch myself at it and dump 'em quick. It sucks but there's plenty of other chicks with problems.

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