Infinite_Loser

Some of you might remember this girl and this situation and this post.

If you don't remember, then I'll explain from the beginning (If you don't feel like reading a long, drawn out post then click the 'Back' button). I met my ex (Michelle) in January of my freshman year of college (I'm now a senior) and I instantly-- Well, almost-- Fell in love with her. Before we started dating, we would talk for hours upon hours on end about anything, everything and nothing. Normally, I'm not a very open person but with her it was different. I felt as if I could tell her anything because I felt that comfortable around her. As loser'ish as it might sound, she made me happier than anyone else had-- And has since-- Up to that point. Anyway, we started dating soon after and everything was great for the first few months. About four months into the relationship is where things started to go sour.

The first problem occurred when I began speaking to my high school girlfriend (Megan) whom had cheated on me and ignored me since the middle of our 12th grade year. Michelle didn't like me talking to her because she knew that I had a soft spot for Megan (I had complained about how badly she treated me back in high school to Michelle), yet I did it anyway. I talked and spent more time with her than I did with Michelle which, understandably, didn't go over very well with Michelle. This continued for a few weeks until Megan decided to stop talking to me because her new boyfriend didn't want her talking to me (Ironic). The second problem occurred because of this girl named Jenni (Well, it was more my fault than anything). I knew she had it in for me big time, yet I used to talk and flirt with her even though it would absolutely infuriate Michelle. This was the proverbial "Straw that broke the camel's back", as Michelle soon after lost it. I eventually did end up telling Jenni to leave me alone, but only because Michelle started to ignore me all together. This made me realize that Michelle did mean the world to me-- Much more than either Megan or Jenni-- But Michelle never really did forget about them and was also a bit distrusting of me when it came to other females.

For about a month after I stopped talking to Jenni, things went back to normal. Of course, more problems eventually arose.

As the time passed, I found Michelle getting more and more distant until, finally, she stopped talking to me all together and started to confide in some other guy (Who's name I can't remember). I tried to talk to her on numerous occasions only to have her ignore me. Anywho, this continued for a few weeks until, one day, I blew up at her (That pretty much killed the relationship). We didn't talk for three months afterwards, in which she began dating the other guy. She was so cold to me during those three months (Partly at the request of the other guy and partly because of what I had done to her regarding Megan in Jenni) and her boyfriend was downright rude to me. Anyway, fast forward a few months. I don't remember how or why, exactly, but she said 'Hi' to me one day and we just started talking. I don't remember much about that conversation, but I do remember her saying "<Insert name of guy> knew how much I still loved you, and that's why he didn't want me talking to you." It didn't take long for us to start dating again.

The relationship was even better the second time around, as I had learned from my mistakes and I was determined not to make the same ones again. Fast forward a couple of months.

My sophomore year rolled around and I had signed up for some ridiculously hard classes (Calculus 2, Botany and Zoology among the most notable) as well as found a time consuming job, so the time I spent with Michelle dwindled considerably. I'll admit that I didn't make too much effort in trying to make time for her, but I didn't ignore her completely, either. Anyway, I guess she wasn't used to spending so little time together (Though, in my defense, I wasn't ignoring her on purpose) and she started talking to and spending a fair amount of time with a scheming, conniving, manipulative (Can you tell I don't like him) SOB by the name of Phil. Whenever Michelle and I did hang out together I'd notice that he was ALWAYS there (Even though she insisted they were just friends). Even though I told her that I didn't like/trust him, she continued to talk to him anyway (That's karma, I guess). Anyway, the real problems didn't start until November.

Michelle stopped showing any signs of affection towards me. No hugs, no kisses, no sweet talk-- No nothing. I remember asking her one day if she still loved me and she flat out said "No."... But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Going back a bit, I remember seeing her hanging on Phil on numerous occasions, but I was too nice to say anything about it-- I simply let it go (Mistake!). As the days progressed, I noticed that she was spending less time with me and more time with Phil. Eventually, November 28th rolls around (My birthday) and Michelle hasn't called me or anything. So I call her up and we have a huge argument, at the end of which I ask if she loves me and she tells me "No." I then asked her what she wanted from me and she said "Nothing." I then, stupidly, asked her if she wanted to break up and she said "Yes". And that was the end of that. I remember spending my entire birthday feeling like crap.

The next few months between us were Hell. She ended up ignoring me totally. Fast forward to May. I one day receive a series of emails from her out of the blue (It's really odd because I had her blocked yet they still came to my inbox). There are too many of them to copy and paste, but I do want to copy one of them in particular:

I guess it just gives you a little bit of information regarding what had occurred between her and I after we broke up until that point. Keep in mind that this has nothing to do with her cheating (As I didn't know then), only what happened between the months of December of 2004 and May of 2005.

Anyway, I'll never forget the day she told me she cheated on me. She called me up in tears and I asked her what was wrong. She stated that she had to tell me something but really didn't want to. I pressured her to tell me why she was crying and she eventually told me that he had cheated on me three times with Phil and some other guy. I asked her why she was telling me this seven months after the fact and she said, and I quote, "Because I can't keep hurting you." We ended up talking for a bit afterwards (I really can't remember about what, as my mind was a jumble).

To make this already long story shorter, we continued talking about "Us" and what had occurred in the past nearly every day. We decided that, amidst past hurts, we would try again.

For the following year or so, she tried to desperately to make things work out between us. Whatever you'd expect someone to do, she did. I couldn't even begin to name the lengths she went to to make the relationship work out this time. I, on the other hand... Well... I wasn't too interested. I never did forgive her for cheating on me (Even though I said I did). No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. Something prevented me from doing so. Because I loved her, I couldn't forget what she did (Does that make sense?). It drove me insane to the point where I became bitter and began to despise her. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and one day I snapped at her for no real reason (Keeping things bottled up for a year will do that to a guy). I said things which... Well... She'll NEVER forgive me for (Though, at the time, I really didn't care as I was out for blood). That was a few months ago.

For a while afterwards I went crazy (Messing around with people I shouldn't have been messing around with, doing out-of-characters things, preying on Michelle's emotions/mental state, etc.). It took me feeling really-- I mean REALLY-- Down to finally take a look at why I was doing what I was doing and I came to this conclusion:

I can honestly-- And truthfully-- Say that I love her (I just didn't realize it until now). I'd give my life to protect her if I had to. She's the only person I ever thought of having a future with (Marriage, kids, etc.) and the only person I think of having a future with. I couldn't forgive her when it mattered, and now I've fucked everything up. When I think of her with someone else it pains me to no end. I wish I could describe it, but I can't. It just makes me feel sick. And-- What sucks more than anything else-- Is that I can't undo the things I said/did to her in anger. She won't forgive me. I've tried. She opened up her heart to me and I crushed it in the most evil way possible. The way she looked/reacted when I blew up at her is something I'll NEVER forget for as long as I live. It's like her heart exploded at that very moment. I just... I don't know what to do. What I do know is that I can't live without her and, no matter how hard I try, no one will ever take her place. I wish there was a magic 'Reset' button, as I'd press it. I was a fool. And now she's gone.

If you actually read that whole thing I congratulate you. I don't think I've ever written that much (Feelings-wise), but it was something I just had to get out. Right now, nothing can help me short of a miracle.

__________________
I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

Ample

Wow that is pretty complex thing you got there. Sometimes things get shattered and all the glue in the world and no matter how hard you try the pieces won't fit back like they did once. Saying that, I would try again, at least one last time. For a year you said that she tried hard, and did "desperately to make things work out between us. Whatever you'd expect someone to do, she did" If you are that serious about her, its your turn. Show her the same determination that she showed you! Make her feel she is worth fighting for!

I had a long on and off again thing with this girl, named Michelle, surprise. Like yours parties of opposite sex were involved on both sides. I did four months of trying real hard like your Michelle did, and then one day. I told her I was done trying and that was it. All I really wanted her to do, was TRY! Try as hard as I did, make me feel worthy and I would have taken her back, but she never did, so were not together.

Maybe your Michelle is thinking the same as me.

__________________

Her juju beads are so nice
She kissed my third cousin twice
Im the king of pomona

pig

so il, what's the communication between y'all at present? it sounds like you're not in touch; that would be the first situation you'd need to deal with. if i'm hearing you correctly, y'all had a nice little messed up relationship for a while. some time off, decided to give it another try - you couldn't deal with the images of her cheating on you, you said some unpleasant things, and now...
if you think you want to give it another shot, then you need to open up the lines of communication with her. i also happen to know you can be one stubborn motherfucker, and i would suggest that you let some of that go when you get in touch with her. y'all may not be able to date again, you might just need closure and then chalk this one up as a learning experience. that's a possibility, and in some ways it sounds as though y'all don't make happy things together, but there's always that possibility of making a decent relationship out of it if both of you can let some of the past slide.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

dirtyrascal7

What a nice little mess you have there.

Whatever you said to her must have been something beyond my comprehension because you both have such a nasty history of hurting and forgiving each other, for her to NEVER forgive you for something says a lot.

If I were you, I would write her an email, pretty similar to the one from her that you posted. Explain your thought process before and after the incident where you blew up at her, what you're sorry for, your regrets, and probably most important... your intentions and hopes for the future.

Honestly, I think you're right about needing a miracle... a relationship that has been damaged this badly, where there is very little trust between each other, doesn't have much hope for success without a LOT of time and space apart for individual growth. I would go ahead and write the email, be completely genuine and honest and without expectation regarding her response, and then try to move on with your life.

Right now she is like a wounded animal... if you try and come to close or force anything, she will only resist harder. You need to let her come to you... but that will take time. Lots of time.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

politicophile

two characters

__________________
The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

Infinite_Loser

As I stated prior, she won't talk to me anymore and understandably so. She blocked my emails, she won't answer her phone, she avidly avoids me and if we do happen to pass by each other she won't even look at me.

*Sigh*

I told her that it was her fault for being abused in her previous relationship and I was glad that it happened (Yeah, her ex sexually abused her), I told her that I hoped her and her kids died, I called her a whore/slut/every other name in the book, I talked down to her and did a whole host of other things I'd rather not talk about. I already know that she won't forgive me. I knew that when I said those things-- I just didn't care at the time. If there were any way possible to take back what I said to her, I would. But I can't. And no matter what I say to her, she'll never forget what I said (She told me that herself).

Anyway, I don't want anyone else. I know that sounds so cliched, but I truly do love her. That's why I couldn't forgive her cheating. The thing I realized, albeit a little late, is that being with Michelle was/is vastly superior to being without her, regardless of what happened in the past.

__________________
I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

Ample

Leave some voice mails or create some new emails. If I were you and if I felt like it sounds like you feel, I go and see her in person, she would be more likely to listen to what you have to say. Plus if you want any chance of moving on, you have to be satisfied that you did all you could do to get her back. It sounds like you could do more.

__________________

Her juju beads are so nice
She kissed my third cousin twice
Im the king of pomona

girlyearthquake

everybody makes mistakes...


you're a good person for recognizing the issue.

Esoteric

I don't really think his signature was meant to be taken seriously, heh. That being said I just recently broke up with my GF that I was with for almost 2 years, but I don't think I have any intentions of trying to work things out, as we have tried that numerous times already. It had just become a very stressful situation. Obviously though, it's pretty clear you'd like to get back with this girl. Like Ample said I would give it one last serious try. Good luck!

__________________
From a head full of pressure rests the senses that I clutch
Made a date with Divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck
I got touched by a hazy shaded, God help me change
Caught a rush on the floor from the life in my veins

mixedmedia

Quite frankly, I'd never speak to you again, either. Don't know what else to say exactly, I'm not judging you, but that's some fucked up shit to say to someone regardless of how you feel about them. Some mistakes we just can't fix.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Sultana

Just because you love her doesn't mean you're the best thing for her. Sorry.

But it doesn't look like the OP's asking for advice, just getting this off his chest, eh?

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

dirtyrascal7

It's unfortunate that I was right about what you said to her... that was some insanely hurtful and personal stuff that you dumped on her.

Realistically, I think it's just simply over between you two. You obviously both made a lot of mistakes, and I believe at this point you should just reflect on them, learn from them, and move on to someone better. Email her one last time if you still need some type of closure, but after what you said I doubt you'll get it.

Michelle will probably be one of those girls who always holds a piece of your heart, simply because you experienced so much together and influenced each other so much... but she isn't the girl you'll end up with. There's just too much history and broken trust to overcome, despite how much you might think you love her.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."