Infinite_Loser

Some of you might remember this girl and this situation and this post.

If you don't remember, then I'll explain from the beginning (If you don't feel like reading a long, drawn out post then click the 'Back' button). I met my ex (Michelle) in January of my freshman year of college (I'm now a senior) and I instantly-- Well, almost-- Fell in love with her. Before we started dating, we would talk for hours upon hours on end about anything, everything and nothing. Normally, I'm not a very open person but with her it was different. I felt as if I could tell her anything because I felt that comfortable around her. As loser'ish as it might sound, she made me happier than anyone else had-- And has since-- Up to that point. Anyway, we started dating soon after and everything was great for the first few months. About four months into the relationship is where things started to go sour.

The first problem occurred when I began speaking to my high school girlfriend (Megan) whom had cheated on me and ignored me since the middle of our 12th grade year. Michelle didn't like me talking to her because she knew that I had a soft spot for Megan (I had complained about how badly she treated me back in high school to Michelle), yet I did it anyway. I talked and spent more time with her than I did with Michelle which, understandably, didn't go over very well with Michelle. This continued for a few weeks until Megan decided to stop talking to me because her new boyfriend didn't want her talking to me (Ironic). The second problem occurred because of this girl named Jenni (Well, it was more my fault than anything). I knew she had it in for me big time, yet I used to talk and flirt with her even though it would absolutely infuriate Michelle. This was the proverbial "Straw that broke the camel's back", as Michelle soon after lost it. I eventually did end up telling Jenni to leave me alone, but only because Michelle started to ignore me all together. This made me realize that Michelle did mean the world to me-- Much more than either Megan or Jenni-- But Michelle never really did forget about them and was also a bit distrusting of me when it came to other females.

For about a month after I stopped talking to Jenni, things went back to normal. Of course, more problems eventually arose.

As the time passed, I found Michelle getting more and more distant until, finally, she stopped talking to me all together and started to confide in some other guy (Who's name I can't remember). I tried to talk to her on numerous occasions only to have her ignore me. Anywho, this continued for a few weeks until, one day, I blew up at her (That pretty much killed the relationship). We didn't talk for three months afterwards, in which she began dating the other guy. She was so cold to me during those three months (Partly at the request of the other guy and partly because of what I had done to her regarding Megan in Jenni) and her boyfriend was downright rude to me. Anyway, fast forward a few months. I don't remember how or why, exactly, but she said 'Hi' to me one day and we just started talking. I don't remember much about that conversation, but I do remember her saying "<Insert name of guy> knew how much I still loved you, and that's why he didn't want me talking to you." It didn't take long for us to start dating again.

The relationship was even better the second time around, as I had learned from my mistakes and I was determined not to make the same ones again. Fast forward a couple of months.

My sophomore year rolled around and I had signed up for some ridiculously hard classes (Calculus 2, Botany and Zoology among the most notable) as well as found a time consuming job, so the time I spent with Michelle dwindled considerably. I'll admit that I didn't make too much effort in trying to make time for her, but I didn't ignore her completely, either. Anyway, I guess she wasn't used to spending so little time together (Though, in my defense, I wasn't ignoring her on purpose) and she started talking to and spending a fair amount of time with a scheming, conniving, manipulative (Can you tell I don't like him) SOB by the name of Phil. Whenever Michelle and I did hang out together I'd notice that he was ALWAYS there (Even though she insisted they were just friends). Even though I told her that I didn't like/trust him, she continued to talk to him anyway (That's karma, I guess). Anyway, the real problems didn't start until November.

Michelle stopped showing any signs of affection towards me. No hugs, no kisses, no sweet talk-- No nothing. I remember asking her one day if she still loved me and she flat out said "No."... But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Going back a bit, I remember seeing her hanging on Phil on numerous occasions, but I was too nice to say anything about it-- I simply let it go (Mistake!). As the days progressed, I noticed that she was spending less time with me and more time with Phil. Eventually, November 28th rolls around (My birthday) and Michelle hasn't called me or anything. So I call her up and we have a huge argument, at the end of which I ask if she loves me and she tells me "No." I then asked her what she wanted from me and she said "Nothing." I then, stupidly, asked her if she wanted to break up and she said "Yes". And that was the end of that. I remember spending my entire birthday feeling like crap.

The next few months between us were Hell. She ended up ignoring me totally. Fast forward to May. I one day receive a series of emails from her out of the blue (It's really odd because I had her blocked yet they still came to my inbox). There are too many of them to copy and paste, but I do want to copy one of them in particular:

I guess it just gives you a little bit of information regarding what had occurred between her and I after we broke up until that point. Keep in mind that this has nothing to do with her cheating (As I didn't know then), only what happened between the months of December of 2004 and May of 2005.

Anyway, I'll never forget the day she told me she cheated on me. She called me up in tears and I asked her what was wrong. She stated that she had to tell me something but really didn't want to. I pressured her to tell me why she was crying and she eventually told me that he had cheated on me three times with Phil and some other guy. I asked her why she was telling me this seven months after the fact and she said, and I quote, "Because I can't keep hurting you." We ended up talking for a bit afterwards (I really can't remember about what, as my mind was a jumble).

To make this already long story shorter, we continued talking about "Us" and what had occurred in the past nearly every day. We decided that, amidst past hurts, we would try again.

For the following year or so, she tried to desperately to make things work out between us. Whatever you'd expect someone to do, she did. I couldn't even begin to name the lengths she went to to make the relationship work out this time. I, on the other hand... Well... I wasn't too interested. I never did forgive her for cheating on me (Even though I said I did). No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. Something prevented me from doing so. Because I loved her, I couldn't forget what she did (Does that make sense?). It drove me insane to the point where I became bitter and began to despise her. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and one day I snapped at her for no real reason (Keeping things bottled up for a year will do that to a guy). I said things which... Well... She'll NEVER forgive me for (Though, at the time, I really didn't care as I was out for blood). That was a few months ago.

For a while afterwards I went crazy (Messing around with people I shouldn't have been messing around with, doing out-of-characters things, preying on Michelle's emotions/mental state, etc.). It took me feeling really-- I mean REALLY-- Down to finally take a look at why I was doing what I was doing and I came to this conclusion:

I can honestly-- And truthfully-- Say that I love her (I just didn't realize it until now). I'd give my life to protect her if I had to. She's the only person I ever thought of having a future with (Marriage, kids, etc.) and the only person I think of having a future with. I couldn't forgive her when it mattered, and now I've fucked everything up. When I think of her with someone else it pains me to no end. I wish I could describe it, but I can't. It just makes me feel sick. And-- What sucks more than anything else-- Is that I can't undo the things I said/did to her in anger. She won't forgive me. I've tried. She opened up her heart to me and I crushed it in the most evil way possible. The way she looked/reacted when I blew up at her is something I'll NEVER forget for as long as I live. It's like her heart exploded at that very moment. I just... I don't know what to do. What I do know is that I can't live without her and, no matter how hard I try, no one will ever take her place. I wish there was a magic 'Reset' button, as I'd press it. I was a fool. And now she's gone.

If you actually read that whole thing I congratulate you. I don't think I've ever written that much (Feelings-wise), but it was something I just had to get out. Right now, nothing can help me short of a miracle.

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.