Giving vs. Taking - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Jozrael · 11-27-2006, 08:08 AM

So, a couple angles to attack this from.

What is giving and what is taking?

In the context of a BDSM relationship, how does this affect domination and submission?

I'm in an extremely softcore BDSM relationship with my gf, we just like to be lightly dominated, and there's no sex (wouldn't have it any other way right now). We're both curious as to what we actually are at our cores, givers or takers.

Is one better than the other?

Is it possible to be both, and if so, is it possible to be really 50/50?

Jozrael · 12-03-2006, 08:13 PM

*Bump*?

I would think that neither is better than the other, because you can't both be takers or both be givers, but you have to be both at different times. Are there personality preferences for each?

Sage · 12-03-2006, 09:41 PM

This is definitely a topic that's been discussed at legnth in the BDSM community. My personal opnion is that in a truly equal BDSM relationship, both parties are equally giving and taking- giving what the other person wants, taking what they want, but all in the context of love and respect.

An article I found helpful in this context is Advice to a Novice Dominant from sexuality.org . I thought it explained the correct mindset that a dominant should have when approaching a new interaction. While my husband and I don't follow a BDSM relationship de rigeur, I try to be as submissive as possibe and he is working on becoming more and more "Alpha Male" type dominant.

I think also you have to ask yourself what your definition of "take" is. Are you taking something because you want it for yourself and your own fufillment, or are you taking something because it leads to a desirable outcome?

Ultimately, when exploring BDSM you have to forge the relationship, as well as the definition of give and take, with your partner and no one else. Because BDSM can be such a highly emotional investment with your partner, communication and understanding of the guidelines and expectations is the most important thing you can do with your partner.

Toaster126 · 12-05-2006, 01:56 PM

I define giving as satisfying your partners wants and needs and taking as getting yours sated. While equality certainly may enter into that in many ways, it's not a given. For example, in my last serious relationship, I got a lot of massages because I loooooooove them and she loved to give them to me. I didn't give her massages nearly as much as she did me, but there were other things I did that she didn't do.

Like in a BDSM relationship, let's say one partner is only interested in tying up their partner and having their way with them. The other partner is only interested in being tied up and being had. I'd say that's equal give and take, as both are giving the other what they want, yet not sacrificing their own wants.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that relationships are about give and take, but that doesn't necessarily mean every situation is based on equality. It just means it's equal on the whole.

Glory's Sun · 12-05-2006, 02:01 PM

Perhaps you are a switch? A switch is someone who likes both sides of the fence.

There are many schools of thought when it comes to BDSM relationships. Some would propose that slave=sub and sub=slave. To me this is not true. In my eyes a sub is simply a person that like being submissive but still has their own voice and power. A slave has no voice, no command, no power.

A truly dominant figure will not under any circumstances play the part of a submissive. There is no value to serving in their eyes. They are to be served. Note, this does not mean you don't show affection and kindness.. you are simply the "alpha" of the relationship.

Does this answer your question? Probably not. Only exploration and experimentation will bring the true answer about.

11-27-2006, 08:08 AM	#1 (permalink)
Jozrael Junkie	Giving vs. Taking So, a couple angles to attack this from. What is giving and what is taking? In the context of a BDSM relationship, how does this affect domination and submission? I'm in an extremely softcore BDSM relationship with my gf, we just like to be lightly dominated, and there's no sex (wouldn't have it any other way right now). We're both curious as to what we actually are at our cores, givers or takers. Is one better than the other? Is it possible to be both, and if so, is it possible to be really 50/50?

12-03-2006, 09:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	This is definitely a topic that's been discussed at legnth in the BDSM community. My personal opnion is that in a truly equal BDSM relationship, both parties are equally giving and taking- giving what the other person wants, taking what they want, but all in the context of love and respect. An article I found helpful in this context is Advice to a Novice Dominant from sexuality.org . I thought it explained the correct mindset that a dominant should have when approaching a new interaction. While my husband and I don't follow a BDSM relationship de rigeur, I try to be as submissive as possibe and he is working on becoming more and more "Alpha Male" type dominant. I think also you have to ask yourself what your definition of "take" is. Are you taking something because you want it for yourself and your own fufillment, or are you taking something because it leads to a desirable outcome? Ultimately, when exploring BDSM you have to forge the relationship, as well as the definition of give and take, with your partner and no one else. Because BDSM can be such a highly emotional investment with your partner, communication and understanding of the guidelines and expectations is the most important thing you can do with your partner. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

12-05-2006, 01:56 PM	#4 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	I define giving as satisfying your partners wants and needs and taking as getting yours sated. While equality certainly may enter into that in many ways, it's not a given. For example, in my last serious relationship, I got a lot of massages because I loooooooove them and she loved to give them to me. I didn't give her massages nearly as much as she did me, but there were other things I did that she didn't do. Like in a BDSM relationship, let's say one partner is only interested in tying up their partner and having their way with them. The other partner is only interested in being tied up and being had. I'd say that's equal give and take, as both are giving the other what they want, yet not sacrificing their own wants. I guess what I'm trying to say is that relationships are about give and take, but that doesn't necessarily mean every situation is based on equality. It just means it's equal on the whole. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

12-03-2006, 08:13 PM	#2 (permalink)
Jozrael Junkie	Bump? I would think that neither is better than the other, because you can't both be takers or both be givers, but you have to be both at different times. Are there personality preferences for each?

12-05-2006, 02:01 PM	#5 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	Perhaps you are a switch? A switch is someone who likes both sides of the fence. There are many schools of thought when it comes to BDSM relationships. Some would propose that slave=sub and sub=slave. To me this is not true. In my eyes a sub is simply a person that like being submissive but still has their own voice and power. A slave has no voice, no command, no power. A truly dominant figure will not under any circumstances play the part of a submissive. There is no value to serving in their eyes. They are to be served. Note, this does not mean you don't show affection and kindness.. you are simply the "alpha" of the relationship. Does this answer your question? Probably not. Only exploration and experimentation will bring the true answer about.