sillypuddy

Ok, I'll try not to write an essay here, I've mainly lurked here and have gotten some good stories, experience and advice from other posts, this is the first time that I need some advice/opinion that is more specific about my situation:

I'm early 30s, been going out with this girl for about 4 years, she's late 20s, about 2 years ago based on my feelings, I proposed to her, she said yes... unfortuately, as most guys are, I started thinking more with my head and for the past 2 years, have been hesitating about the marriage thing. The main Q for me was whether we were compatible, and how I knew that she was the one... in that period, my hesitation caused her grief and she in turn started to question our relationship... I'd like to say that we never did have any major fights or major incompatibilities...

A couple of months ago, I finally realized that I was just being stupid and have 100% decided that this is the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with... well ironically, recently, all the hesitation was too much for her, and she said that she wanted to call everything off. I told her how I felt, and she told me that it was too late. She tells me that she still loves me, but the hesitation put up this "guard" for her, she had decided to herself to set a deadline for end of this summer, and lo and behold she still wasn't able to get over her hesitation by this time... so while it's not that she doesn't want to get married, her lack of a decision is forcing her to decide (does that make sense??)

The way we left it, since there wasn't any fight or anything, we're on amiable terms, we still call each other... at this point, I think it's clear that she doesn't want to get married, but she even said that maybe in the future, it could happen...

Aside from me deciding to hold out and see how things go, anything advice here ? Should I just move on ? She told her sisters about her decision, but has said that she wanted to "cool" down a bit before telling her parents...

I'm really serious about this girl, and if there was a irreconcilable difference or incompatibility, I'd be the first one to call it off, but in this situation, I'm not quite sure how to approach it... I've made it clear how I feel, but I realize that it's not something that I can easily change how she feels, and I don't want to force anything onto her, but I also don't want to give up either since I think she's moving towards giving up...

Damn... this kind of turned into an essay.. any advice will be greatly appreciated!

Psycho Dad

Are you still dating? If so, continue to grow the relationship. If either of you have doubts, 'tis likely better that you put off marriage but that doesn't mean you have to end anything but the wedding plans.

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FallenAvatar

Yea I'm confused here too, are you dating still or not? That makes a difference.

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little_tippler

Put bluntly, I think you probably blew your chance, at least for now. 2 years of hesitating is enough to put doubts in anyone's mind. I think she expected more from you, more dedication, more assurance, more security, and after those 2 years you've made it very difficult for her to ever trust you with her heart truly. Who knows, you could change your mind again and apparently she is looking for something stronger than what you have been able to offer her. If it's that important to you, stay at her side for a while and see if there's any chance of a reconciliation. After that, move on.

One question: what happened 2 months ago so suddenly that made you so sure that she's the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with?

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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JamesB

This is a very important question actually!

What is so different now as opposed to two years ago?

I think most women play the 'date and time' games where they have these set timelines for things and you either make it or you don't. Hell - they wouldn't admit to it openly I am sure but it is likely true. Maybe you just went past her acceptable 'date'?

As for your advice, I would suggest that you continue to see her - make her feel loved again. Your 'hesitation' dissolved her sense of love and security. Do small romantic things to see how she reacts.

Hey - at least her parents don't hate you! You still may have a chance

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Oread

In my opinion (which you've got nothing to go on as I'm pretty new here), I think it's too late for this relationship.

First off, speaking from experience, if you're in a relationship when you've talked about the future, & then one of you backs off to question things... of course the other person is going to notice & become guarded. At that point they will probably emotionally back out of the relationship so as not to get their feelings any more hurt.

Secondly, & this is the part that mainly pertains to the quoted text above, it sounds as if for approximately 2 years you were both questioning the relationship & setting deadlines, but it doesn't sound as if you did any of this together as a couple. You say you questioned whether or not you were compatible, but not how you talked to her about your reservations. She decided on her own to set a deadline for her issues, but didn't tell you until you brought up the state of the relationship. For 2 years the two of you didn't communicate about some key problems, that's not only a huge thing to overcome, but the fact that you couldn't talk it out together speaks volumes to the health of your relationship or lack thereof.

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sillypuddy

Some good points, and some clarification:

We did talk to each other over the 2 years regarding any issue that came up, we did IMO resolve all of those issues, however, the main problem that she has is whenever we get to a point that we're ready to proceed, another issue pops up...

What happened 2 months ago is that we resolved what I thought was the one last remaining issue... we did subsequently get into a fight, albeit a minor one, simply put, I was having a bad day, we both agreed that it was minor, however, it did impact her emotions over this whole whether to get married or not attitude... straw breaking camel's back so to speak...

The way the situation is right now, she has told me that she still has a lot of feelings and the only reason why she wants to not continue our existing relationship is the fact that she doesn't want to feel hesitant... she's actually the one that still wants to remain good friends...

I somewhat had an idea about the deadline that it was end of summer, but didn't know the exact date (she had an exact date apparently)... I wanted to keep our current relationship going, whatever that means, to see if her feelings change... but seems like she wants to go back to being friends... and I know what some of you are going to say, she's sincere about that pt, I've been always the one that told her that I don't do the friendship thing, so it's not an excuse on her part...

At this point, it sounds like just hanging around, keeping in touch with her, and doing stuff with her is the way to go... I don't want to cut off contact, in case she starts to get used to not being with me, and I don't want to put too much pressure on her either, since I'm worried that it'll only cause her to forcibly cut off whatever relationship we have...

thoughts ?

really appreciate the responses so far... all of them...

Phoenix

I was in the exact same situation and I won her back. If this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with do not give up. It will take time but you can't give up. Take it slow, don't be needy or pushy. Do things that you know she likes. For example my girlfriend loved spontaneous things, so out of the blue I'd call her and say "hey let's go for a road trip to such and such a place". You may be shot down a few times and it may hurt but keep going.

sillypuddy

thanks for your post Phoenix... that's exactly what I need to hear to keep going...

analog

She's got her guard up because she doesn't want to feel that let-down again, despite loving you.

If it were me, I'd do something very big, very heartfelt, and very immediately. I would profess my undying love and devotion to her, reaffirm that it was more a "jitter" thing than an "indecision" thing (makes it less personal), and make a big deal of it. Make it spectacular. During this, you ask her to marry you and more specifically, to set a date for the wedding, which will give her the indication she needs that you're totally vested in this, 100%. You're on the cusp of being able to reclaim this situation through care and love, rather than having to build everything back up again. The clock is ticking, though.

It's either that, or risk trying to rebuild and she slips away from you.