shoe

We have been dating for 1 year and 8 months now. Recently, she has made some new friends and she goes out with them alot leaving me in the dust a bit. I confronted her about all that a while ago saying that i was completely ok with her going out with her friends ( which are mostly male btw ) as long as i dont get treated second to them. I noticed things change shortly afterwards. She started spending more and more time with them. One of her friends became interested in her, making moves on her and everything. She was completely honest with me ( at this point i have no reason to doubt her ) so i believed her when she told me she was not interested in this guy at all.

I confronted her a few times about the situation and eventually i tell her that i am fucking tired of being treated like shit so she could spend time with her friends and that i felt she was giving me a minimum of attention just so i would stick with her. Soooo we take a 4 day break and she calls me one morning saying she misses me and shit and that we should see eachother that night.

I go over, we talk and she tells me she isnt sure her feelings for me are the same ( as she had told me the day we decided to take the break ) but that she really wanted to try and make things work. We end up having sex that night and i notice she is fucking weird afterwards.


I spoke to her yesterday as we had plans to meet up at a club for a mutual friends birthday and that is when she told me that she kissed her friend that was interested in her during our little break and that she was confused. She knows i have no tolerance for cheating, i have stressed that so many times. Do you all consider this cheating ? I certainly feel cheated. Adding this up with the way she treated me for the past while i dont think i can forgive it.

It breaks my heart because i love her, but i think today might just be the day that i break up with my first serious girlfriend.

Toaster126

Sounds like cheating, even if you don't think there was more to it that what she decided to tell you.

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Esoteric

I'd personally consider it cheating. I have no tolerance for it either, cheating is the worst thing you could do in a relationship, imo.

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james t kirk

You sound very possesive and she's not that into it.

Best for both of you if you go your separate ways.

shoe

How do i sound possessive ?

I can assure you that i am not. I used to be a little jealous but i have come to terms with all of this a long time ago and can safely say that i let her do whatever she wants.

Maybe i havent described the situation as well as i should have.. I believe i have reason to be pissed off about her actions towards me and regarding her friends. She blew me off several times to go out with her friends when we had some set plans for the night. I saw her less and less during that period and believe i did the right thing when confronting her ( talking it out ).

She never wanted me to be around when she was out with her friends. She told me she did not want me to see how she acted with her friends. She also splurted out this little diamond :" I would not want you to act with your female friends the way i act with my male friends". WTF ?

As i see it i was very understanding, caring and had a will to fix things. I trusted her, even when i was a little jealous, and she goes out and kisses another guy. I never forbade her to do anything nor have i ever demanded she did anything. All i told her was that i felt us slipping away from eachother and i was concerned about it.

There is a limit to the amount of shit im willing to take.

joemc91

Doesn't sound possesive to me as he's not dictating where she goes or who she's with. From what you've said it does sound as if she's giving you short shrift. I don't really know what to tell you for certain, but if she is going to keep doing this sort of thing (kissing other guys, saying her feelings may have changed), it's probably a good idea to call it quits for now. If you two are meant to be together, you'll get together again down the road.

" I would not want you to act with your female friends the way i act with my male friends". That says a lot.

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tenchi069

She wants her own little world her way. She wants she and you to have the "couple relationship" while she is having the "single relationship" with her friends. I'm guessing here, but I assume that while she may or may not be doing anything physical with her guy friends, she is flirting with them. Taken from everything you've stated in your posts, you should move on. The best way would be honesty. Tell her you don't like that she excludes you and only wants you around her when *she* thinks it's necessary.

Had you only been dating a month or two, then wanting to be with her when she is out with her friends is a bit possessive.
Since you have been dating ( im assuming exclusively ) for over a year, then her purposely always leaving you out is uncaring and disrespectful to you.

You will find someone else that makes you feel like this girl does/did and respects you. If you stay in this relationship, it will probably only get worse. Just my 2 cents.

-tenchi

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Esoteric

I don't think he sounds possessive at all. He's letting her do what she wants with no objections.

You should really ask her what she means by that. Like joemc91 said, that says a lot.

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Made a date with Divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck
I got touched by a hazy shaded, God help me change
Caught a rush on the floor from the life in my veins

Impetuous1

Yup that statement does say a lot. Leave her. You don't sound possesive to me either since , although you admitted your jealousy, you did not try to control her. It sounds like she's just going to cause you a lot of unnecessary heartache. Life's too short to put up with that shit. Believe me, I've been there. From that statement she made to you it sounds like she likes to flirt a lot with her male friends. That's not a problem as long as she knows when to stop and can tell who not to flirt with, if they seem to be taking her seriously. Either she couldn't tell that this dude liked her (unlikely) or she had the hot's for him and let it continue in the hopes that it would lead to where it lead to. She needs to figure out what she wants. You don't have to wait around for her to decide. Like Toaster said there may be more that she's not telling you. But do you really want to agonize over that? If you do stay with her, let me tell you it's a long, steep, slippery and incredibly long road back to trust. It's 3 steps forward and two back anytime something out of the ordinary happens. Too much trouble to do more than once if you ask me. Not to mention that you sometimes get this horrible mindset of "I owe you one now". Best to break it off cleanly and avoid her for about a month or so. Just my opinion.

MoonDog

A kiss was doled out, if not more. Leave - it sounds like you were prepared for it anyway.

Smooth23

Yep, agree, break it off. My admittedly limited experience has teld me that if a girl is hanging out with guy friends, and doesn't want you around, she's doing at the very least some heavy flirting, and will always lead to cheating. Its like this, even though you trust her not to cheat on you, you cant trust the other guys not to woo her. And if you think she is un-wooable, how did you end up with her in the first place? Its like a trust them, but dont trust that they have control over their feelings. Run for the hills while you still have your soul, before she tells you she's been fucking another guy and breaks up with you. Just my $0.02 of coarse

TexanAvenger

Sometimes you don't get it right the first serious relationship. Or the second. Or the third. And that's okay.

I believe you when you say you love her... but love doesn't conquer all and it doesn't solve everything. Love can outlast a relationship or die long before one ends. But you try anyway, because otherwise it's not worth loving somebody.

My advice, take a break from this girl. Longer than a few days. Months. Date around, when you've had the necessary recovery time (can be a long time after the first serious relationship). If you still feel like you want to try again, if it's feasible and you feel like you're both more mature, go for it. But know that relationships that end once often end at least once again when those people get back together.

One of my closest friends is my first girlfriend from high school where things didn't work out, repeatedly, over the on and off freshman and sophomore years we dated. I thought I loved her then. But the relationship we have now is infinitely more satisfying than when we dated... we just needed a year or two afterward to clean our wounds.

Cynthetiq

as ross from friends would say... "We were on break!"

if you were on break or just traking a break from each other for the moment, that's up to you to have set the boundaries and rules.

I'd say though, move on. Actions speak louder than words.

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analog

Just walk away while you're not broken or hurt by this too badly. This is going nowhere- fast.

captobvious

I'd say it's time for you two to go your separate ways. I would break up with her, because she'll probably end up breaking up with you if you don't do it first. I'd agree with the others that said to take a break. A real break, not just a few days, and without contact. You both need this distance to figure out if it's worth giving this relationship another chance.

kurty[B]

I wouldn't consider it cheating, "you were on a break", but either way, the bond of trust appears to have been ruined. That's what really holds a relationship together. If from this point on you're simply going to second guess her actions then there's no reason to try and force the relationship.

cj2112

I believe that romantic love is based on three things, trust, respect, and admiration. It is also my belief that if you remove any one of those three elements, that love ceases to exist. I'd say it's time to move on, the voice of experience says that things only get worse from this point.

robot_parade

As far as the kiss goes...personally, I'd give her a pass on that, but that's just me. You were 'taking a break'.

*However* I think the fact that she was letting some other guy stick his tongue down her throat kind of tells me that she couldn't have been missing you all *that* much. Combined with the lack of attention, I'd say this is a hint that it's time to break it off.

I mean, you've explained her that you aren't interested in continuing a relationship when she's not willing to give you more attention that she has been, and yet she's continued...you want more attention from the woman you are dating that she is willing to give. Case closed.

Breaking up, as they say, is hard to do. I recommend a bottle of scotch (single malt) to console yourself. (Not all at once, of course...)

SAM821

there's plenty of fish in the sea... me personally, I cant date a girl with many "guyfriends" to much drama/potential issues for me...

You will meet someone else that will make you happier, dont worry! good luck

JamesB

Listen, we have all given you our free advice - take it for what you will. You thought it was time, and it is my friend.

It seems that weak people tend to distance themselves from their partner before dumping them or cheating in some way. My most recent ex. was guilty of this and I finally had the foresight to know what was coming - maybe you could learn the same in this case.

A little inspiration by Big Sugar (She left ashes):
"five whispered good-byes and a kiss on the cheek"

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shoe

It's done. She cried and i got teary eyed. I know i did the right thing but i cant help but feel a little empty right now.

Mantus

Shoe,

I make it a rule never to ask a girl to lead or take initiative. Not because she cant do it but because she doesnt want to be in that place. If you want to party and go out, get a social circle to party and go out with, then invite your girl. If you want to go out with your girl's friends, then you get one chance to hang with them and make a great impression. That night you trade numbers and contact info to make sure they will be inviting you. If you fail to make a good impression and just end up hanging out with your girl the whole time...they wont specifically ask her to bring you and thus your girl will feel uncomfortable...which is never a good possition to be in.

I hang with club girls. I know they are going out, making out and probably sleeping with other guys on the side. That's something I have to accept. Even if I have a very sexual and adventurous relationship with them, booze, drugs and hormones are a bad combination. Trust me I KNOW this. Clubs are a BAD place to leave a girl alone if you are the jelous type.

When I go into a club how do I know if a girl is with her BF or if she is just being hit on by a player? 9 out of 10 times if she is having FUN and laughing and being overtly sexual then she is not with her BF. That was a big eye opener for me.

What you really have to ask yourself is if you actually want that party life or if you are there to keep an eye on your girl? If the later then my advice is to strengthen the relationship on your side instead. Pull the girl into YOUR world. Take the lead and responcibility for her adventures. Increase your sexual dominance and energy.

Something to note for your future relationships. Cheers man.

Toaster126

Hey, it happens. But the fact that you were willing to end it rather than stay in the relationship says volumes.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

JamesB

Shoe, you are a good person.

You will feel empty for a while and it hurts, I know. Find something safe like music, art, something creative to fill that void for now.

I found biking to be a VERY helpful activity to ease my suffering.

Just imagine, an awesome guy like you will find an equally (if not more) awesome girl when you least expect it .

I'll crack a beer open for ya dude!

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analog

Yeah, that'll happen. Just don't let the emptiness tempt you to take her back or anything. Go find yourself a girl who doesn't lie and cheat.

shoe

Thanks for all of your responses.

We have spoken since the breakup and apparently she thought i was in total disgust of her since i was quite cold and straightforward when i announced her the news. I told her i didnt hate her, but that i could simply not forgive what she had done and thought best to move on with my life. She said she is afraid of having made a mistake and realizing that it's too late, that she lost me for good. I still have feelings for her so hearing that gave me ideas of getting back together. Still.. i dont know if i could trust her again..

Oh well.. such confusion. Hopefully i can sort things out for myself. I start film school in 2 weeks ; lets hope i meet some exciting new women

Thanks for all of your responses.

We have spoken since the breakup and apparently she thought i was in total disgust of her since i was quite cold and straightforward when i announced her the news. I told her i didnt hate her, but that i could simply not forgive what she had done and thought best to move on with my life. She said she is afraid of having made a mistake and realizing that it's too late, that she lost me for good. I still have feelings for her so hearing that gave me ideas of getting back together. Still.. i dont know if i could trust her again..

Oh well.. such confusion. Hopefully i can sort things out for myself. I start film school in 2 weeks ; lets hope i meet some exciting new women