Severe sickness putting a relationship on hold:Help please! - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

thelifeandtimes · 06-05-2006, 08:27 PM

Some of you may remember the thread I made awhile back concerning an ex girlfriend and a new girl whom I became very fond of. Well, the new girl and I dated for about 2 weeks before making it official. Come to find out, we are the exact same person with the same wants, needs, desires and mindset. The feelings between us was prevelant to everyone we came in contact with. Somehow, and it may sound crazy, we both knew, seperately, we were meant to be together not just for a little bit, but indeffinately. It's hard to explain, but her eyes held my future, and we both knew what we had was huge. The first time we went out on a date, she told me, she was dying of a condition that the name slips my mind. It causes severe anxiety attacks to the point of passing out and going into a coma and if severe enough could lead to death. The symptoms include slight anger, memory loss, severe social anxiety etc. Basically being in a comatose state.

For the last two months she has been attending cosmetology school and had been going double time, up to around 60 hours a week, 12 hours a day or so. This was occuring 4 months before we met and began dating. She was masking her sickness through school, and once school ended, she slowly started to crack until finally tonight, she completely broke.

She told me she needs to go back into counseling andshe needs to make hereself better alone, so she can know she is strong enough. She is looking at an institute out of state to go to and get help. She told me she can't be selfish and she doesnt want me in here life as a boyfriend, but just a friend, her best friend. She told me she still wanted me around, still needed me to be there and still wanted to be together once she got herself better. Basically we are together but in a intermission sort of state.

She is sincere, probably the most sincerest person I have ever met, so I have no doubts about her intentions, but this is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Our relationship was more intense in the last 2 months than my year long relationship combined and it just hurts to know I can't be there like I want to.

I'm just asking for advice on how to deal with this, maybe just ideas on how to make the pain go away. Is this a sitation where it is completely ok to stick around until she is all better, and be there for her regardless, as if we were still "completely" together? I feel at ease in a sense for a large part of me knows we will end up back together, but I'm just scared. Please help me out, it'd be much appreciated.

nmm · 06-06-2006, 12:10 AM

Well if you can trust her enough to say you believe her and she need to do this, well it already help... But it will be hard, really hard on you... As for pain, well unfortunatly you can not feel any and there is no treatment that will help you, just try to focus on the fact that it is for her good and you love her so you can be patient and wait for her to come back... But as I say it will be hard... Good luck with it all...

Toaster126 · 06-06-2006, 06:08 AM

For my personal curiosity, find out what condition she has, ok?

maleficent · 06-06-2006, 06:19 AM

Quote:

She told me she needs to go back into counseling andshe needs to make hereself better alone, so she can know she is strong enough. She is looking at an institute out of state to go to and get help. She told me she can't be selfish and she doesnt want me in here life as a boyfriend, but just a friend, her best friend. She told me she still wanted me around, still needed me to be there and still wanted to be together once she got herself better. Basically we are together but in a intermission sort of state.

She's not kicking you to the curb, she's doing what she needs to do for her right now... to get herself healthy. Do ask she asks... be there for her in a friend sort of way, if you are capable of that... Friends are probably what she needs, nice stress free friends, rather than possibly complicate whatever her condition might be, with a romance (which tend to be a little stressful)

If you care about this girl as a person... then do as she asks, she won't be away forever... don't lose touch with her... be her friend... and give her what she needs...

Sultana · 06-06-2006, 06:48 AM

I think what she is asking for is hard, yes. But it shows a huge level of maturity on her part. She needs to get through this on her own, without an emotional crutch, a person whom she cares about who could be crushed beneath the weight of what she's dealing with. She's caring enough to spare you that.

Now you have to ask yourself, Are you strong enough to be her friend?

Do find out more about this condition she has. I've never heard of anything like this before.

Good luck!

maleficent · 06-06-2006, 06:56 AM

Catonic Coma was what i was looking for - but this is what i found...

What she's describing sounds like it's Depression with Catatonic features

The schedule that she's been working could have easily brought it on - and sounds like she's doing the best thing for herself...

thelifeandtimes · 06-06-2006, 02:49 PM

I am actually really proud of her for doing what she is doing and looking out for me as well. I am going to be there for her as much as she needs. I actually hung out with her today and everything still felt right. We talked a little more about it and came to the conclusion we are still together in a sense, just on a pause, or we're just on a vacation so to speak. This is the hardest thing to do, but it is also the easiest thing as well. I want her to feel better and not be in the pain she is, so telling her and feeling that it is ok, just feels right. When I posted this originally, I was still in shock and confused, but after thinking about it and talking about it more with her, I feel everything will work out the way it is supposed to. And I'll find out the exact name of her condition(s) and let yall know. Thanks for the advice.

tres · 06-07-2006, 03:27 AM

First... like others have said... GOOD for her, for stepping up and doing whats right for HER. Many women won't do that. Second AWSOME for you to stick around for someone you know will not be around forever.. Thats not an easy thing to do. Make sure she's very aware of the fact that you want to be there to help her through her situation., but don't smother her, be there for her, but give her space too. Learn as much as you can about her conditon so you can better understand it. Also consider your needs and what YOU want.

thelifeandtimes · 06-07-2006, 04:26 AM

Thank you tres. I've been researching her conditions so i could be a better support system. I found out tonight after a very tense and heart wrenching few hours, that she is also suicidal and can't be alone or her mind wanders to how she could end it all. That was probably the hardest thing to hear and something I have never had to deal with. It scares me to death and I know I'm gonna worry about her everytime she is alone. And yet, I'm not going anywhere, nor have I had thoughts of bailing. She knows that as I tell her whenever I know she needs to here it. I told her that no matter how bad things get or how far she pushes me away, I will be right there when she needs me. I just want her to be better for her sake more than our sake. I'm gonna be ok. I have lived a life with relatively no pain or situations such as this, and I feel the reason for that was so I could deal and handle all of this at the same time and be her strength and whatever else she may need. She told me she needs to leave and go somewhere far far away where no one knows her. I told her I would take her so she wasnt alone and so she didnt have to drive so she could just reflect. We are leaving in about 3 hours. I just hope it helps her at least a little bit. I'll update once I return home.

maleficent · 06-07-2006, 04:32 AM

Quote:

That was probably the hardest thing to hear and something I have never had to deal with.

Don't forget to look after yourself too and get help for yourself before you find yourself in over your head... you might find yourself on an emotional roller coaster... and it's going to be a lot to deal with ... make sure you've got an outlet so you can be of help to her

Good luck- travel safe...

Spaz007 · 06-07-2006, 08:24 AM

Know what she has, if she is all that you adore then know what she has. I have still not seen the problem mentioned, and it sounds like Manic-Depression. The mind is powerful and it can make one think they can die if they will it. Now this could be caused by, her illness if it is not this, but if she can power through a deathly illness then it seems odd. Unless, this illness is AIDS or Cancer, which is a hard thing to deal with. Not to sound bad but has Sex presented itself? I'm concerned about what her illness is, to break her and help mend her torment you must know so that you can adjust to her cause. You made the choice, make sure you are ready to give it your all which you sound like you are but I cannot stress that you must know that you are. The worst thing to do is give hope and then take it away.

thelifeandtimes · 06-08-2006, 09:58 AM

So here is what she has, at least the understanding I have of it and the things she has told me.

Severe IBS or Irritable Bowel Syndrome/Colotis-severe cramping and not being able to go to the bathroom for days to a week at a time. pain when actually going to the bathroom

Severe Hypoglycemia- If sugar level drops to low, could possibly go into a coma

eating disorder- only eats enough to survive barely. scared of eating due to IBS. feels sick after every meal.

depression
suicidal thoughts

Coupling all these together is what she deals with on a daily basis and with the onset of stress it becomes incredibly worse. she nearly died from all of this two years ago which is why I am glad she is getting it take care of it.

tres · 06-08-2006, 10:08 AM

So....IBS, Diabetes... the eating disorder is because of the IBS.. the IBS can be treated.. and so can the diabetes.. It takes work... but it can be done.. Looks like the biggies are now the depression and suicidal thoughts... also can be treated with meds... but.. wow..what a combo... Is she taking meds for all of these? All those meds put together I can see why shes having problems... Has she even tried medication? But she's not dying... like she's said... that comment is probably a depression/suicidal thing... Thats going to be rough to deal with on your part... I'm not telling you to run... but definetly consider that working on a relationship with depression and suicidal issues is going to be significantly harder... If you do decide to leave her.. be careful because she may become slightly more suicidal... If you stay.. be sure its what you want.. and that you'll be able to deal with this in the long run...

I've been in a relationship with both women with depression issues and suicidal issues.. Its not easy... Again.. just make sure your willing to change your life for her.. and even more... Make sure she wants you around for all this..... good luck...

thelifeandtimes · 06-08-2006, 05:41 PM

I have really thought about if this is what I want or if I want to deal with this and the stress and hurt that will more than likely come of it, and everytime the results are the same; I want to stay, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. She really is an incredible person when she isn't sick. She makes me unbelieveably happy and how much she has shown me about life in general in such a short amount of time its amazing. She wants me to help and wants me to be there. I have come to the understanding that there will be bad days and good days and instead of dwelling on the bad days, just cherish the good ones and take the bad ones as they come. I could've easily walked away from her when she first told me when we met but I didn't. Every one of her of her past relationships have bailed on her because things got to hard, but she deserves someone to help her and be there, and I am more than 100% willing to be that person. I know I can handle this and be her support system when need be. Struggles are a part of life and I am naturally a helping person, especially for those very close to me, so this is another learning experience.

tres · 06-09-2006, 03:24 AM

I'm, impressed.. You sound like you know what your in for... good luck.. just don't forget to look after yourself as well...

06-05-2006, 08:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
thelifeandtimes Upright	Severe sickness putting a relationship on hold:Help please! Some of you may remember the thread I made awhile back concerning an ex girlfriend and a new girl whom I became very fond of. Well, the new girl and I dated for about 2 weeks before making it official. Come to find out, we are the exact same person with the same wants, needs, desires and mindset. The feelings between us was prevelant to everyone we came in contact with. Somehow, and it may sound crazy, we both knew, seperately, we were meant to be together not just for a little bit, but indeffinately. It's hard to explain, but her eyes held my future, and we both knew what we had was huge. The first time we went out on a date, she told me, she was dying of a condition that the name slips my mind. It causes severe anxiety attacks to the point of passing out and going into a coma and if severe enough could lead to death. The symptoms include slight anger, memory loss, severe social anxiety etc. Basically being in a comatose state. For the last two months she has been attending cosmetology school and had been going double time, up to around 60 hours a week, 12 hours a day or so. This was occuring 4 months before we met and began dating. She was masking her sickness through school, and once school ended, she slowly started to crack until finally tonight, she completely broke. She told me she needs to go back into counseling andshe needs to make hereself better alone, so she can know she is strong enough. She is looking at an institute out of state to go to and get help. She told me she can't be selfish and she doesnt want me in here life as a boyfriend, but just a friend, her best friend. She told me she still wanted me around, still needed me to be there and still wanted to be together once she got herself better. Basically we are together but in a intermission sort of state. She is sincere, probably the most sincerest person I have ever met, so I have no doubts about her intentions, but this is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Our relationship was more intense in the last 2 months than my year long relationship combined and it just hurts to know I can't be there like I want to. I'm just asking for advice on how to deal with this, maybe just ideas on how to make the pain go away. Is this a sitation where it is completely ok to stick around until she is all better, and be there for her regardless, as if we were still "completely" together? I feel at ease in a sense for a large part of me knows we will end up back together, but I'm just scared. Please help me out, it'd be much appreciated.

06-06-2006, 12:10 AM	#2 (permalink)
nmm Tilted	Well if you can trust her enough to say you believe her and she need to do this, well it already help... But it will be hard, really hard on you... As for pain, well unfortunatly you can not feel any and there is no treatment that will help you, just try to focus on the fact that it is for her good and you love her so you can be patient and wait for her to come back... But as I say it will be hard... Good luck with it all... __________________ Nihilistic Mad Man... Gallic Hedonist... Freak of Nature...

06-06-2006, 06:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	For my personal curiosity, find out what condition she has, ok? __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

06-06-2006, 06:48 AM	#5 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	I think what she is asking for is hard, yes. But it shows a huge level of maturity on her part. She needs to get through this on her own, without an emotional crutch, a person whom she cares about who could be crushed beneath the weight of what she's dealing with. She's caring enough to spare you that. Now you have to ask yourself, Are you strong enough to be her friend? Do find out more about this condition she has. I've never heard of anything like this before. Good luck! __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

06-06-2006, 06:56 AM	#6 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Catonic Coma was what i was looking for - but this is what i found... What she's describing sounds like it's Depression with Catatonic features The schedule that she's been working could have easily brought it on - and sounds like she's doing the best thing for herself... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

06-06-2006, 02:49 PM	#7 (permalink)
thelifeandtimes Upright	I am actually really proud of her for doing what she is doing and looking out for me as well. I am going to be there for her as much as she needs. I actually hung out with her today and everything still felt right. We talked a little more about it and came to the conclusion we are still together in a sense, just on a pause, or we're just on a vacation so to speak. This is the hardest thing to do, but it is also the easiest thing as well. I want her to feel better and not be in the pain she is, so telling her and feeling that it is ok, just feels right. When I posted this originally, I was still in shock and confused, but after thinking about it and talking about it more with her, I feel everything will work out the way it is supposed to. And I'll find out the exact name of her condition(s) and let yall know. Thanks for the advice.

06-07-2006, 03:27 AM	#8 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	First... like others have said... GOOD for her, for stepping up and doing whats right for HER. Many women won't do that. Second AWSOME for you to stick around for someone you know will not be around forever.. Thats not an easy thing to do. Make sure she's very aware of the fact that you want to be there to help her through her situation., but don't smother her, be there for her, but give her space too. Learn as much as you can about her conditon so you can better understand it. Also consider your needs and what YOU want. __________________ "Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

06-07-2006, 04:26 AM	#9 (permalink)
thelifeandtimes Upright	Thank you tres. I've been researching her conditions so i could be a better support system. I found out tonight after a very tense and heart wrenching few hours, that she is also suicidal and can't be alone or her mind wanders to how she could end it all. That was probably the hardest thing to hear and something I have never had to deal with. It scares me to death and I know I'm gonna worry about her everytime she is alone. And yet, I'm not going anywhere, nor have I had thoughts of bailing. She knows that as I tell her whenever I know she needs to here it. I told her that no matter how bad things get or how far she pushes me away, I will be right there when she needs me. I just want her to be better for her sake more than our sake. I'm gonna be ok. I have lived a life with relatively no pain or situations such as this, and I feel the reason for that was so I could deal and handle all of this at the same time and be her strength and whatever else she may need. She told me she needs to leave and go somewhere far far away where no one knows her. I told her I would take her so she wasnt alone and so she didnt have to drive so she could just reflect. We are leaving in about 3 hours. I just hope it helps her at least a little bit. I'll update once I return home.

06-07-2006, 08:24 AM	#11 (permalink)
Spaz007 Upright	Know what she has, if she is all that you adore then know what she has. I have still not seen the problem mentioned, and it sounds like Manic-Depression. The mind is powerful and it can make one think they can die if they will it. Now this could be caused by, her illness if it is not this, but if she can power through a deathly illness then it seems odd. Unless, this illness is AIDS or Cancer, which is a hard thing to deal with. Not to sound bad but has Sex presented itself? I'm concerned about what her illness is, to break her and help mend her torment you must know so that you can adjust to her cause. You made the choice, make sure you are ready to give it your all which you sound like you are but I cannot stress that you must know that you are. The worst thing to do is give hope and then take it away.

06-08-2006, 09:58 AM	#12 (permalink)
thelifeandtimes Upright	So here is what she has, at least the understanding I have of it and the things she has told me. Severe IBS or Irritable Bowel Syndrome/Colotis-severe cramping and not being able to go to the bathroom for days to a week at a time. pain when actually going to the bathroom Severe Hypoglycemia- If sugar level drops to low, could possibly go into a coma eating disorder- only eats enough to survive barely. scared of eating due to IBS. feels sick after every meal. depression suicidal thoughts Coupling all these together is what she deals with on a daily basis and with the onset of stress it becomes incredibly worse. she nearly died from all of this two years ago which is why I am glad she is getting it take care of it.

06-08-2006, 10:08 AM	#13 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	So....IBS, Diabetes... the eating disorder is because of the IBS.. the IBS can be treated.. and so can the diabetes.. It takes work... but it can be done.. Looks like the biggies are now the depression and suicidal thoughts... also can be treated with meds... but.. wow..what a combo... Is she taking meds for all of these? All those meds put together I can see why shes having problems... Has she even tried medication? But she's not dying... like she's said... that comment is probably a depression/suicidal thing... Thats going to be rough to deal with on your part... I'm not telling you to run... but definetly consider that working on a relationship with depression and suicidal issues is going to be significantly harder... If you do decide to leave her.. be careful because she may become slightly more suicidal... If you stay.. be sure its what you want.. and that you'll be able to deal with this in the long run... I've been in a relationship with both women with depression issues and suicidal issues.. Its not easy... Again.. just make sure your willing to change your life for her.. and even more... Make sure she wants you around for all this..... good luck... __________________ "Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

06-08-2006, 05:41 PM	#14 (permalink)
thelifeandtimes Upright	I have really thought about if this is what I want or if I want to deal with this and the stress and hurt that will more than likely come of it, and everytime the results are the same; I want to stay, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. She really is an incredible person when she isn't sick. She makes me unbelieveably happy and how much she has shown me about life in general in such a short amount of time its amazing. She wants me to help and wants me to be there. I have come to the understanding that there will be bad days and good days and instead of dwelling on the bad days, just cherish the good ones and take the bad ones as they come. I could've easily walked away from her when she first told me when we met but I didn't. Every one of her of her past relationships have bailed on her because things got to hard, but she deserves someone to help her and be there, and I am more than 100% willing to be that person. I know I can handle this and be her support system when need be. Struggles are a part of life and I am naturally a helping person, especially for those very close to me, so this is another learning experience.

06-09-2006, 03:24 AM	#15 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	I'm, impressed.. You sound like you know what your in for... good luck.. just don't forget to look after yourself as well... __________________ "Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."