asa1359

Well, I don't know what to say, my best friend and I tried having a relationship about 4 months ago, and it seemed like it was going well, but then we broke up because she wasn't ready for a commitment. and we just stayed really close friends ever since. And we've been hugging, holding hands, hanging out, and talking to eachother and flirting with eachother. And well, in the past month we've kissed again a few times...

And the first time this happened recently, we were both okay with it. I mean, it just randomly happened on its own and we didn't know what to do, but the last time it happened, I senced something was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong.

I still really like her, but she's not ready for a commitment, and when I tried talking to her about the recent times that we kissed, and she said that she understood that I wasn't expecting for us to just randomly kiss eachother. And I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable.

Well, anyway, I just want everything between us to just be okay again, and for her to be able to feel more comfortable around me. I still really love her, and in the future maybe there's a chance of us getting back together, but that's not in my hands, so I'll put that aside for now.

Does anyone have any advice on how I could go about this? All I want is for us to be able to talk to eachother about anything, like we used to be able to, and for things to be normal like they used to.



Well, thanks in advance, and hopefully I will be able to find this website helpful (I just found this site from google)

taboo

have you tried to tell her all this yourself?

Toaster126

Things aren't ever going back to the way they were. Accept that. Relationships only move in one direction.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Martian

Two things.

First off, you've changed your relationship now. You can't take back what's been done; that's not to say that you're never going to have that level of comfort again, but it's not like it was anymore. What may come may be better or worse than what has been, but it's not going to be exactly the same. Such is life.

And the second point, the one that really matters... you need to stop and take a moment to figure out what you want out of this relationship. If she says she's not ready for commitment, you have to learn to be okay with that. She may be ready tomorrow, or she may never be ready. And, as hard as I know it is for you to hear it, when she is ready for commitment it may not be with you.

Is it really friendship you're seeking? You say that you still love her and I get the idea that you're holding out hope that you'll get back together. If you want things to be okay, you need to let go of that. If you need to, explain to her that you're feeling conflicted and need a few weeks to sort yourself out. Take some time apart from her and try to get a bit of perspective on the situation. The fact is that you may never get back together and you can't sit around waiting for it to happen. Even if you never once mention it, the very fact that you have those feelings is always going to be looming overhead and will always be between the two of you. If you want her as a friend, then that's what she has to be.

Stop waiting for her. She may never be yours again.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

little_tippler

Like Martian said, you need to let go of your "love" for her for the time being. Maybe she wants to be friends with benefits but doesn't think you can get over the emotional hurdle right now...

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

SAM821

Yea, I had something similar happen with me. My best "girl" friend and I always liked each other, but things never worked out where we can date each other. Either she had a boyfriend, or I had a girlfriend at different times. So we stayed close. Some times we would hook up and fool around, this lasted a few years, throughout high school. Basically in the end, it just... ended. I still feel for her, but I accept the way things worked out. It was fine. And I realize now that she really wasnt my true friend, she was more. I dont know that you can have a best friend of the opposite sex, without having some attraction to them. I mean really... can you??? I know I cant.

In your case, Its similar. She's your "friend", but you want her, intimately. You want a relationship. So really, dont kid yourself. She's not really your friend. Your options are to continue doing what you are doing, and be patient and wait. Or just let it go cause it isnt working in your favor the way you want it to. I think its good that you are still fooling around with her sometimes. Thats good, but be prepared for when she tells you she has something new in her life.... So like i said, you need to be true to yourself and see what it is that you REALLY want. Good luck

Mantus

It's admirable that you care for this girls feelings enough to talk to her about all this.

If there is any advice I'd like to throw in is that you can't make a woman choose to be attracted to you. The only choice she has is whether to act on those feelings or not. Logi, often hampers things; so avoid thinking logically. If you are going to put a relationship back together it has to be piece by piece. It has to happen slowly. Everytime you make progress (a kiss) you take ten steps back by opening your mouth. Next time, just let things happen - don't think, feel.

FallenAvatar

I will have to disagree that relationships move in only one direction. They can move back and forth. One thing I would really just recommend is either 1) Tell her how you feel. 2) wait for her to make any move. If you go with step 1, you still end up at step 2, thus you're basically waiting to see what she does and going from there. If she keeps it a friendship then that's how it goes.

__________________
Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

visotech

Because you are both individuals you must realize that there are 6 billion possibilites for any one situation. Its easy to hear advice, but do you really want to live life through others? Life is all about the experience - live/hurt/learn.

hagatha

Decide if you can be happy in the company of someone who doesn't want you. That's what it comes down to. Not wanting a commitment usually means keeping all options open. If she was really into you this wouldn't be an issue. Because commitments can last a month or 10 years and I'm not hearing any talk of marriage here. So what's her problem?
If you can live being around someone who doesn't have an interest in you go ahead. Otherwise walk away from the relationship completely.
Take some control.

__________________
Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

savvypup

True in the sense you can go back, but things will never be the same as they were prior to things happening.

If you do want to have a relationship with your friend and she doesn't, are you able to accept this, or would you in the back of your mind be hoping?

If you can honestly say that you're ok with just a friendship, start off by showing this in small doses and then she'll respect you for treating her as just a friend. At the moment, she's probably feeling on edge everytime you're together, thinking that something might happen. If you spend time together and create no uncomfortable moments, then she'll feel more at ease and who knows how it'll pan out down the track .......

__________________

ciao bella!