midgard

I know this may sound awful, but how do you deal with a spouse who is sick a lot? I mean, I try to be supportive and understanding, but after 8 days of continual migraines it is starting to wear a bit thin. I know she isn't faking or anything, the doctors say she is experiencing the migraines due to hormonal shifts caused by the onset of menopause. So, it is not like she is asking for it or wants to be sick. For example today, it was so bad I had to stay home from work, take her to the dr so she could get a narcotic shot.

But, having said that I find myself getting upset and frustrated with the whole situation. It seems like there is always something wrong and I am losing my paitence over things outside her and my control. Any ideas for dealing with situations like this?

Thanks

__________________
Praise not the day until the evening has come; the woman until she has been burnt; the sword until it has been tried; the maiden until she is married; the ice until it has been crossed; or the beer until it has been drunk. - Viking proverb

uptown

"Your reaction proves one thing... you are NORMAL !

Nobody can just give and give indefinately without taking time out to replenish their own emotional well. Take time out to exercise, call a friend,go out to eat, etc.

MSD

For severe migraines that don't respond to conventional treatment, magnesium gluconate supplements may help. A high school classmate had daily migraines for months, and magnesium supplements reduced the severity. I think she eventually tried an experimental botox treatment (apparently botox in the forehead area has been known to end persistent migraines.)

For you, is sounds like you just need a vacation. Hopefully this won't be a long-term thing and you'll both feel a lot better when it's over.

ryfo

Have they checked her blood pressure? My SO suffered for years woth migraines and they eventually found her pressure to be sky high, they diagnosed drugs for it and she hasnt had a headache since(they originally thought it was hormonal)

Acetylene

You can also check her blood sugar and food allergies. My father had migraines triggered by adult-onset food allergies to gluten and eggs, and I myself get migraines from low blood sugar, in conjunction with hormonal shifts. The menopause thing blows hard, but keep remembering, soon it will all be over and then you won't have to worry about birth control AND no more period/PMS!!

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

Sultana

It sounds like you are becoming a care-taker, even if short term, and that can drain your emotional reserves So Fast. Many people in this situation find support groups useful. Hopefully though, your wife's situation will be resolved soon. I know how disruptive migraines can be to the entire family.
*hug*
You've got to carve out a little time to refresh your spirit, in order to take care of your wife better. You have to love yourself to love her. It's kinda like when you're in an airplane, and the oxygen thingies drop down, they always tell you to put yours on FIRST, then to put it on the person you may be taking care of (child, elderly, incapacitated, whatever). There's a reason for that.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Sage

I'm going to do with what others are saying- it's TAXING to take care of someone! I work in the healthcare industry, and even taking care of someone for 8 hours and then going home at night is draining- 24 hours a day is insane!

First of all, realize that the best thing that you can do right now is be there for your wife and explore EVERY option to help her get better. The faster she gets better, the faster your life can return to normal. Do research, talk to specialists, consider alternative treatments, do whatever you can to help your wife get better as fast as possible.

That being said, TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF every day. Recharge your internal batteries. Take a walk, go fishing, go have a beer at the bar, whatever. If you're concerned about being away from your wife, get a walkie-talkie set or a pair of cell phones so you can be reached at all times. Talk to your family and your friends, and see if any of them are willing to help out. If you're involved in a church, get your church involved. Sometimes it's hard to say "I need help." Right now, you need to make sure you don't get burnt out, because if you do not only will it diminish the quality of life for you and your wife, but it will put a HORRENDOUS strain on your marriage.

Thirdly, find someone to talk to about all this. I would suggest a counselor, someone who is trained to listen, because after a while talking to your buddies about this will put a strain on your friendship. Just find someone you like and who will listen to you, and talk. Talking about things often makes them a LOT more manageable, because in talking you begin to really examine how you feel and, more importantly, why you feel that way.

Remember, this is just a phase. This is the "in sickness" part of "in sickness and in health." It's HARD, but it's possible. Build a big support network for yourself and make sure you have people to fall back on- you can't do it al yourself, nor should you expect to.

__________________

Mantus

Nice Sage. Wish I got that advice when I had to take care of a sick family member.

midgard

Thank you all for you responses, it is most helpful to see that I my feelings are quite normal. Fornuately, things are better today. But, in the future when I am in long streches of being primary care giver, I will be sure to make time for myself so that I don't burn out.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it.

__________________
Praise not the day until the evening has come; the woman until she has been burnt; the sword until it has been tried; the maiden until she is married; the ice until it has been crossed; or the beer until it has been drunk. - Viking proverb

hunnychile

"In sickness and in health"...I did take that vow & I promised that no matter what - I would be there, but I must say, in total honesty, that after 25 years of one "major sickness" after another, I can hardly handle it any longer. My S.O. is ALWAYS sick! If I had known that I was marrying a hypocondriac I would have walked (no, RUN) the other way from the alter. Seriously. I used to love him with my entire heart, but it's become a neurosis that I can't handle any more and I am beyond the place of feeling guilty any longer.

Oh - Geez...What to do?
I am slowly moving toward a place of peace & non-involvement. The entire situation has drained every ounce of life & creativity out of me.

I don't even feel guilty about being totally numb any more.

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

jujueye

It *is* frustrating. I understand. But I have found this post too late, and the REALLY GREAT answers are already here. You must follow the advice of Sage. It is perfection. After caring for my wife with breast cancer, I can honestly say it is good advice. You should also re-read the post by hunnychile. We enter into marriage, likely in our twenties, thinking that the sickness part will never happen. When it does, it's frustrating and you want to tear your hair out. Don't do it. Take a breath, step back, and remind yourself what a caring person you are to post a question to a forum instead of screaming at your SO.
I'm interested, though, as to why you may have posted this in Sexuality. I have a feeling that this has really hammered your sex life, but you are too polite to come out and say that. It's okay. If your sex life has gone for the time being, it would be very likely. I don't know. I do know that sex does induce lots of good chemicals into people's bodies, but suggesting it now would seem selfish, right? Well, it is a tough situation. Just be extra kind, touch her, and hold her. Don't be suggestive, but just make her feel loved, cared for, and close to you. That may lead to more. If you really need release, well, there's always masturbation. I know that sounds crude. And I really don't know of your feelings about it. But maybe it would ease some tensions, relax you, and get it out of your mind.
Okay, now go back and read Sage's advice again.

One day at a time.

Radiospank

my gf has mental issues and i feel the strain as well... it drives me insane and i need to just get away from it all ...... this post gives me strength to help her thru her need...

kylej

just keep trying to support her and hopefully it will eventually pass

doncalypso

This thread is a good reminder that marriage takes ots of hard work... I will strive to remember that before I ever make the decision to get married.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Cynthetiq

Marriage is a lot of work as are any relationship that is long term and deeply intimate.

People seem to think that it's at the wedding that one lives 'happily ever after' and that's where th story ends, but contrary, it's where the story actually begins.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

uptown

The part that slays me about all of this is the knowledge that if I should become ill or be hurting it would change nothing in my life. I'd basically have to suck it up and suck down enough motrin to get thru the day,clench my teeth and go to work as our bills won't pay themselves. There would be minimal support or empathy coming my way .

doncalypso

I agree with you 100%... However, people should realistically take a look at marriage and decide whether they can or cannot handle some of the tough situations that inevitably arise in marriage.

For example, I love sex. If it were up to me I'd have sex for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, however I know that many women don't want sex that much and would be content with sex once a week or once every two weeks.

Regardless of how much I love a woman I could not get married to her if sex would only happen once in a blue moon. I don't believe in infidelity so I'd rather remain single than be in a sexless marriage and having to fight off the temptation to cheat.

If I were in a situation like midgard it would be tough on me because at one point I would be suspicious as to whether my wife is really chronically sick or whether she's using it as an excuse to deny me sex. It may sound selfish, but I'd rather not be married than be in a sexless marriage.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Cynthetiq

So I take it you'd get divorced or stray if your sexaholic nympho wife giving it to you every moment and desire you wanted, suddenly get stricken by something debilitating causing her to not be able to perform again since you couldn't tolerate a sexless marriage.

Way to be supportive in sickness and in health!

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Sultana

Yeah, I've heard that MS, lupus, Crone's disease, mind-and-life-crushing migrains, etc. are really great excuses to get out of having a healthy, loving, reciprocal sex life with the hubby.

[/sarcasm]

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Sultana

Hunnychile, I'm SOO Sorry to hear you are going through this!

I don't think that a neurosis about being sick is the same as being sick (except perhaps, sick in the head?), for the "In sickness and in health" bit.

To me it sounds like you have drained yourself dry. I seriously think you need to RUN to a counselor to put your pieces back. If you can't be whole, you can't be a good partner for another. And if someone is keeping you from being whole, you have to take care of that too.

Please say that you'll do something about this. This is your one and only (as far as I know) life.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

hunnychile

Thank you Sultana, I needed to hear some feedback & yours is very kind indeed. Yes, we have been to 3 different counselors. My move Home to the place where we grew up will be healing, I hope. At any rate...I'm dealing with all this on a "day by day" basis.

On the plus side, it has made me much more patient and less judgemental in so many ways. Luckily I believe that all people have an unlimited amount of love inside us. It's just a matter of what type of love you are willing to share.

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB