Darth_Chimp

I don't really post here that often... but my friend said you guys would be able to help!

Bit of background first: I live in Australia, im 18.... she is 18 (a few months younger)... I am doing an apprenticeship, she is in uni... needless to say we don’t see each other that often... but I still call her whenever I feel like talking and we try to catch up as much as possible.

Ok... at a party tonight, me having a good time, gf looking not so happy... my first reaction is that she has been working a lot and would be feeling down because she has to work tomorrow, but no.... after a few minutes of talking to her I realise she is very upset, I’m thinking it has nothing to do with me, because even though we have both been working a lot we still have been regularly talking and catching up.

I was wrong... it turns out she thinks we are drifting apart, not spending enough time together... I basically pore my heart out, I cant even repeat what I said because it came from the deepest regions of my heart, and my true emotions came out... we have been going out for nearly 2 years so one of the things I said was "if I’ve been with you this long, what makes you think I don’t want to continue our relationship?" I’ve even thought about future plans to go travelling in like 3 years and still considering what would happen to us.

Then something she says that totally befuddled me... I said, "I wish we had this conversation at a better time" because it was totally ruining my awesome night (of which I have very few these days) and then she said, "do you want me to plan our fights??"

BAM... there is me thinking WHAT THE FUCK??? I just poured my heart out to you saying how much I’ve enjoyed being with you and will enjoy being with you and you call this a FIGHT???

That is about the time she walked out of the room... as I sit here typing this 2 hours later and I am still thinking "what the fuck?"

Any advice or recommendations on this kind of situation??

Poppinjay

Obviously you two need to talk at a better time. Take her on a picnic or other event where it's just you and her, make her feel like you're putting an effort to show her how you feel about her. Treat her nice, don't argue, listen, then talk.

It could just be she feels she's in a rut. Now is the time to find out.

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ratbastid

You'll never understand women. The good news is, you can quit trying, because she doesn't need to be understood, she just needs to be heard. So start listening.

Ustwo

I don't think thats really true, women are not hard to understand, you just have to understand their motivations and not assume logic is one of those motivations.

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JustJess

^^ Go away. Please.

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ratbastid

Well.... When I say "you'll never understand women", it's a derivative of "you'll never understand people." It's sort of both at the same time--you can comprehend another person's motivations, but fundamentally you're NOT inside their head.

Why did she need to argue with you at that time? Why did she make a discussion into an fight? Who the hell knows. But I guarantee you, there's something she's sitting on. Or maybe something she's been trying to say that you haven't been hearing. And she's trying really hard to get your attention about it.

dlish

maybe find out if her periods are coming up...PMS ring a bell?

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*Nikki*

Nisses

Not necessary perhaps Nikki, but it does deal with the matter.


However, to the OP... Bear in mind that she might have just chosen the word 'fight' because she didn't find a better synonym at that time. Maybe it came close enough for her to describe it, and you are attaching alot more things to that particular word.

But I do agree with Ratbastid, it sounds like she's "sitting on something else" as well.

Sit down with her, make some time, and instead of pouring your heart out to her, let her do the same to you.

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feelgood

I agree with you saying that you and your gf should have the fight or talk, however way you want to see it, somewhere else at a different time. But to be honest, it was kinda selfish of you to say "I wish we had this conversation at a better time" to her. I mean, I know you need to go out and have fun once in awhile but your girlfriend isn't having those nights and would have been the best time for you to leave the party with her to continue the discussion. But when you told her that you didn't want to talk about the issue at hand, it tells her that you're not caring about the relationship you have with her anymore and if you have went the other direction (talk to her some more about the issue at somewhere quiet), you would've clearly proved to her that you DO care, even though you know you do care, but she doesn't.

Ask yourself this question: What's more important? Having fun at parties or your relationship?

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Darth_Chimp

it seems i have a lot to think about! but a little bit more background about this situation. I had actually asked her if she wanted to stay at my place 2 days earlier, because i knew that if she came home with me after the party I would have been a drunken idiot, so i decided that i would rather spend a night with her, without alchohol slurring my words where we could just relax and be with each other.

but she had an important occasion to attend to. but still... does this if not nothing else prove that i want to have fun with her at parties and also spend lots of "us" time?

tecoyah

Herein...lies the truth....pure and simple, decades of experience, and I'll tell you what....the above is simple reality.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

savvypup

As soon as you've both had time to calm down a little, definitely sit down and find out from her as to where she believes your relationship is heading ... and you reiterate your side again. You said you wanted to look at doing some travelling, but have you discussed this as a couple or is this something you want to do.

I know if I haven't seen my partner for a while and I would really like some 'us' time, the last place I want to have it for the first time in a long while is at a party. Maybe, she's just missing the couple time and needs to be shown more than told how you feel. Organise that special one-on-one time soon!

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ciao bella!

lazygirl

You mean besides you both are very young?
Yes young love can last but not always and both of you really do have lots of growing to still do.

SERPENT7

lazygirl speaks the truth.
Or, she might be getting itchy feet, if you know what i mean.
18 is waaaaay too young to be considering 'settling down'. Don't be surprised if she walks away from the bliss you are offering just because she needs an outlaw biker in her life. (Atleast for a while.)

Nimetic

My first impression is that she wanted a short reassurance rather than a long one... but that a long and truly serious discussion would be welcomed on another night.

But what the hell would I know... : |

Ustwo

Sorry Nikki but having to deal with women with bad PMS in the past this is VERY much germane to the topic, my wifes used to be so awful when we were first dating that I finally told her not to call me that week before as all she wanted to do was fight for no reason. She has admitted in those times she wasn't logical and she knows she was down right crazy the first month she was pregnant (and didn't know it). You may not be aware of it, but we men are very aware of it.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Ustwo

Yea I agree she is sitting on something, and in my experiance the best thing to do has been to draw that something out.

To the OP, call her on it and find out whats really bothering her.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

*Nikki*

Being that I am a woman, I think I am way more aware of more then you will ever understand about women.

This thread is not about a gender issue, it is about a relationship problem.

World's King

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

The person asked for our advice. Now, I know I've been one to downplay posts like this because it's not really what the section is for but Jesus fuckin' Christ... I've never seen such a set comments.

You don't think it's at all a compliment that people feel they can come here and tell us about their lives? Ask advice? Give advice? And what do you all do? Tell him he's too young. Tell him his gf is just on the rag. Tell him to get over it and juct let her talk.


Listen man, you're not too young. You're just the right age for what's goin' on in your life right now. All these people went through at the same time. And now that they learned their lesson they expect that everyone else has aswell. Letting her talk is a good point, but you also have do some talking too. Have a good conversation. No booze. No distraction. Turn off the Aussie Rules match and get into it. Two years is a long time... even for an 18yr old. If you feel the relationship is worth saving you have to be honest with her and expect that she's being honest with you.

You'll get throug it.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Darth_Chimp

I thank you all for your advice. I did have a one on one talk with her and the issue has been resolved.

She and I are happy once more.

Cynthetiq

care to elaborate on it a bit more? It may just help someone else who's having a similar problem.

possible to elaborate on how you were able to draw the information out of her? Did you just have to listen? Did you have to ask questions to bring it to the surface?

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dlish

nikki...

as much of a 'woman' you say you are, u show very little understanding of 'women' problems dont you.

PMS IS a real relationship issue..partly cos PMS can fuck up a relationship quite badly. ive dealt with women with severe PMS problems, therefore i posed the question..there is no "women bashing" going on here just cos i asked if it was PMS...

i think PMS is quite relevant in this case....and yes..jesus fuckin christ! get off your high wagon and stop being so full of it......not sure...but is it your time of month coming up??? cos u do sound a little high strung

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Hanxter

go camping

ScottKuma

Glad everything worked itself out -- I hope for the better!

dlishsguy: NOT a good idea, to call out the mods like that.

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*Nikki*

Once AGAIN this thread is not about "woman problems" nor do I have to show understanding to something that was not even a part of this issue. I think most of the problem does occur when a man thinks that a woman being assertive has anything at all to do with PMS. I fear that your past relationship problems have tainted your view of a strong willed woman. Thus, the error lies in your interpretation of this persons issue, as well as your misinterpretation of the statements made by me here. End of discussion.

Cynthetiq

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

tecoyah

Insulting, Derogatory, and well below acceptable standards on this board. That this was said to a Mod doing what she is required to do to keep this board pleasant, only makes it that much worse. Consider yourself officially warned dlishsguy...Your happy PM is forthcoming.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Charlatan

I've have been tracking this thread since it started. While I can agree that there may be something to add to the discussion that touches on the irrationality that can be brought about by hormones (both men and women are affected by hormones -- testosterone can wreak havoc on a man's ability to respond rationally), there is a way to discuss these issues that does not reduce women (or men) to a raging ball of PMS.

I think Tecoyah has summed up what I have to say about being polite in general and to mods in specific. I don't think there is a need to say anything more.

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analog