Demeter

Has anyone ever had to call the cops on their own kid?
I am currently in a big fight with my 15 year daughter regarding her activities & curfew.
In fact its 2am and she just waltzed in the door. I informed her I will try & obtain a peace bond against her "friends" to keep them away from her & told her I am ready to put her in some sort of group home/boot camp. I have no idea what I can pull off with all this talk I gave her, but I sure am ready to go to extremes on this.
I don't want to say too much now about it I am sooooo angry & upset.
And I know I have let things go too far & I have been too lenient with her, but thats all in the past.
What can I do now to improve this situation from here on?

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

Anexkahn

Calling the cops, or threatening to is about the worst thing you can do. There is ver little they will be able to do as long as she is not breaking any laws, and threatening it will just blow your bluff out of the water if it ever gets to the stage when you try calling them and theres nothing they can do. I'm not familiar with these peace bonds you mentioned, but if its anything like a restraining order or a no contact order -- highly unlikely you will be able to justify getting one with a judge.

I'm not a parent, and i don't try to play one on the internet, but it sounds to me like there needs to be some discipline laid down. Take away privledges, require her home at certain times -- its your house; she's the daughter, you're the mother -- its time for her to understand that. If she doesn't come home, sign her as a runaway -- then there is something the cops can do, albeit not much. 15 is near the driving age, use that as a discussion point that if she expects you to sign off for her to get a provisional license anytime before she is 18, there needs to be some trust and respect devolped before you're going to give her that responsibility.

If she is involved in criminal activities with her friends, then maybe it is time to involve the police. If she or her friends are arrested, one stipulation of probation could very well be no association or contact with the other people involved which would address the poor friend choice influence on her. It would also involve some level of the juvenile counceling agency of your state which might give you some support in dealing with her.

Regarding shipping her off to a boot camp type program -- do a search ont his board for those camps, theres some very good threads about why those are not a great idea and you need to be very careful about screening any program like that you are considering for the mental and physical safety of your daughter.

mokle

I guess it depends what she's doing until 2am, we don't have very much to go on.

Unless sending her to boot camp will save her life, you can bet on losing your daughter.

__________________
Mokle
"Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see" -Ali

StanT

My oldest daughter had a few rough years as a teenager. From 14 - 16 or so she was impossible to deal with. In my daughter's case, some of her "friends" were over 18. I had a long talk with each and every one of their parents about the finer points of statutory rape and contributing to the delinquancy of a minor. It pissed my daughter off to no end, but most them wouldn't even talk to her after the call.

Her grades went into the toilet and school officials told me "Not everyone graduates high school". At that point, my wife had to drag me out of the principals office. We decided it was time for some tactical marital problems. I changed my legal residence to my parents house and registered my daughter into a different school district (it was none of anyone's damn business where I spent the night). Giving my 16 year old a car and telling her to drive herself to school was easily the scariest decision that I ever made as a parent. No doubt, she could have found way more trouble with a car. The change of schools made all the difference in the world. While she continued to get into minor trouble, it was in the range of normal teenager crap. Her grades went way up. I'd wonder who her father really was if she didn't get into some trouble. Today she is 25, an EMT studying to be a nurse, in a long term relationship, and seemingly well adjusted.

I don't know if any of that is applicable to your situation, but you're not alone. Parenting is a tough job.

Demeter

Thanks all, we had one hell of a fight last night when she came home, and I think when she saw how desparate I had become, it flicked a switch on.
She's one hell of a smart kid, but its scares the **** outta me to think she's walking alone at that time of night. (She's not up to anything worse than hanging with friends, thank God).
Anyway, we had a big discussion on parental/daughter responsibilities and I hope she realizes how frickin scared I am something will happen to her, and that I make rules out of concern for her safety, not to control.
I told her the cops will be involved if I have concerns again, and for now she's humbly
keeping herself company in her room.
I'm pretty much alone in this, her father turned to meth years ago, and of course the marriage had to end. He hasn't been in the picture for a long time. The hardest part is not having someone to lean on as a parent. This is where I am thankful for your responses.
Man if I ever put my Mom through half of this I'd better call her & tell her I am so
sorry.

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

StanT

While my mom was very supportive, she also told me that I had it coming.

Lead543

Welllll it wasn't that long ago that I was 15. The threat of having my room stripped kept me in line for the most part. If I broke too many rules too often I was told that everything would be taken out of my room, I'd be given three outfits, no make up, no t.v., no computer. It didn't stop me from experimenting with drugs...sex...alcohol. It did cause me to lie to my mom, resent her, push her away. I still lead a "double life" per say. My mom wants me to follow her Christian based beliefs and morals whereas I want to follow my own belief/value system.

The rule in my house is, if it's late and dark, you get a cab home, ride home, walk home with a friend. If you're going to break curfew you'd better have a reason to other then "we were just hanging out" Now that I'm older the consequence for not following rules is being thrown out. It makes me resent my mom a lot but it makes me stay in line.

I haven't really liked my mom since I was 14, I love her, I just don't like her. I probably won't like her until I'm completely moved out and independent. When you're trying to assert your independence and you have a parent that you need to support you still and abide by their rules it's frustrating.

Set up boundaries, talk to your daughter as much as possible, when she breaks a rule have conseqences and follow through with them. If she starts participating in illegal activities call the cops. Following the rules should be a responsibility that's rewarded. I wish my mom had thought this way while I was growing up. I'd behave myself. do well in school and had a curfew of 5:00 p.m. until I was about 15. Then it was like 8:00. Now, I'm 18 and it's 10:30. Don't worry about being well-liked, worry about giving this girl the knowledge and responsibility she needs to survive in the big world.

EULA

You can't protect her forever. The longer you deny her dignity, the longer it will take her to mature. Let her make mistakes. If you let her go, she will become closer to you.

Tschüss!

Disk_Pusher

I went to a group home, an "emotional growth boarding school" I believe is the PC term, and I will warn you now, it is the worst thing you can do for your child. I attended Copper Canyon Academy. Their success rates are incredibly low, and this I know from watching fellow classmates after their "graduations". Your daughter will be subject to psychological warfare from the minute you leave the campus, and it will continue until the day she leaves. Your daughter's communication with you, both written and over the phone, will be closely monitored, and she will be punished for anything she says that is critical of the program.

I was sent to a program because I was depressed and suicidal (two attempts, failed due to intervention.). I know my family was going through hell because of me, but the person that came back from the program wasn't their daughter and they knew it. I haven't been the same person sence, and I don't believe I ever will be. Your personality becomes warped to the point where you don't know what is the real you, and the "right" you.

Please, for your sake and your daughters sake, I beg you to consider other options. There are many out-patient options, excellent therapists, and other methods for dealing with your daughter. I know I sound extreemist, and for that I apologize, but I cannot cover the loathing I hold for these people and the "help" they offer. I have seen far too many families left with daughters who are more bitter, angry, and violent than ever. I was lucky as I only became incredibly introverted.

Please forgive me. I don't mean to threadjack, and that is most certainly not my intention.

~Liz

Cartuni

I was a single mom with a daughter who turned into an unrecognizable monster at age 14. I tried everything, but we really butt heads – it’s very difficult when you’re the only parent handing out the rules and restrictions. It was so hard on me, for I really thought I had lost the sweet child I used to know.

A month after she turned 17 I caught her and her boyfriend late one night in her bedroom, half naked. I told them to get dressed and come out to the living room to talk to me, but they bolted out the window. Two days went by with no word from her – very scary. But then I got mad, and changed the locks on the house because I knew she’d try to come back and get her clothes. This forced her to come home and talk with me. After a marathon 8-hour talk, with me listening to her and also telling her the consequences she’d face if she left, she made the decision to go with her boyfriend. I did not let her have any of her things, and told her I would not support her financially except for medical expenses.

She and her boyfriend lived here and there with two other teens for a year – one place was a cabin with no electricity or running water. I kept in touch with her, and she knew she could talk to me or come home at any time (as long as she accepted my rules).

There’s a lot more to her story – pregnancy, marriage, divorce – she’s now 28, divorced, with three kids, and two years into nursing school. She’s an extremely strong, confident and caring person with a terrific, wacky sense of humor. Yes, my sweet little girl “returned”, and we are very close. I’m extremely proud of the woman she has become.

The best thing I did through all of the horrible years was to keep the lines of communication open. I never turned my back on her, and always let her know I loved her even if I disagreed with her choices. Not supporting her (financially) that first year was so hard – I constantly wondered if I was being too harsh. But in the end I think it did force her to accept the full consequences of her decision to leave home at such a young age. She certainly learned how far ‘minimum wage’ goes when you’re trying to live on your own.

My heartfelt good wishes go to you, Demeter. Each child is so different, so I don't have any specific advise for your situation, but I hope it helps a little to know you're not alone.

Seeker

From another single mum of one who is not yet a teen.. I think this is a really great point. My father took this approach with me, although I was completely pig-headed, I knew my parents cared and I could come home any time I needed to.. and I did, when I was 22 with my then 9 month old daughter.

I really feel for you in your situation Demeter.. I was going to suggest you speaking to your daughter of your concerns and fears.. and it's wonderful to see you doing just that. I know I too lose sleep and suffer great turmoil when I see my daughter going astray.

You have had many good responses and each have their worth.. all the best to you and yours...

__________________
To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

Demeter

Yes, everyone here seems to have such wisdom.
We have done a lot of talking. I know she'll never be the studious child I'd like to see, but she's also has a better head on her shoulders than I did at her age. I realize I just have to keep fighting the battles as they come, but enjoy her immensely in between them.
My kids are what keep me going.

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

Cartuni

Demeter, she may surprise you. My dad, myself, my brother, my daughter – all of us were late bloomers who didn’t take studying serious in our teens. I put myself through college when I was 32! My daughter, as I said before, is putting herself through nursing school and getting excellent grades. We had many a fight over her study habits/homework when she was in middle, junior and high school. Some kids just don’t appreciate an education until later in life, or when they are paying for it themselves. The important thing is – YOU care about her education, and that will stick with her. Eventually she will see the benefit for herself.

Chuckles

I dont see what calling the cops on your child will do, unless she's threating to kill you or something. This will only make the situation WORSE! trust me! For example, if you caught your daughter tokin some reefer, and you called the cops on her to get her to stop doing it, you know what would happen? The cops would what you want, get her to stop momentarily, but would also fuck her up possibly by putting it on her record etc. Would you want to taint your daughters record by calling the cops? Why? Things like bootcamp are for reaaaalllllllyy misguided teens, not teens who break curfew. Does she do criminal activities constantly? Drugs? Uncontrollable sex with others? Why dont you ground her, and just make her stay at home. One might think in this case it wouldn't work, but what is she going to do? Hit you? I doubt that, at least I and nobody i know would consider hitting their parents. I think things like calling her friends, for doing nothing but hanging out with her is also a bad call. She willing wants to hang out with them, so why would bitching them out and scaring the hell out of them be in your right? Is it illegal for them to hang out? Are they pressuring your daughter to "stay out late"? Im sure she wants to stay out there with them, and its HER choice. So why would you be mad at her friends? Unless they are doing illegal activities, I would not suggest doing this. I believe its just being overprotective. It will also make your child hate you more, which is no good.

How about trying to compromise? Tell her the things you could do, scare her a little. Seems like you have, which is a good thing. There are so many ways to deal with these types of issues, without having to call the cops.

diddagirl

Demeter, your story reminds me alot of myself and my moms situation when I was about 14. My mom was also a single parent, and had always been a little too leniant with us. She was never even able to ground me for punishment because I would just leave the house anyways. My friends and I used to sneak out alot in the middle of the night (we would sneak out from who'e ever house we were sleeping at). My mom busted me, and I more or less treated it as no big deal- because what was she gonna do? So we continued to sneak out again and again. And I got busted again. When my mom found out that I snuck out again after she made me promise not to, she discovered her way to show me that she was the adult and that I do have to respect and obey her.

I had failed my learners test a few months before this and I was planning on retaking it within the next week. Because I was only 14, my mom would have to sign for me to get my learners. She decided that as punishment- she would not sign and allow me to get my learners. I was devestated.....I really really wanted my learners and was so eager to try it again. She made me wait several months before she would allow me to take it again. In the end- her idea worked. I never snuck out again in fear that my learners would be prolonged even further.

Hang in there Demeter..... things will get better. Sounds like you have a smart girl, and you just have to have faith that she will make the right decisions on her own, and grow into the young women she is supposed to be.

__________________
"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

Demeter

Yes! I keep hoping she'll use her powers for good & not evil!

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare