Meditrina

or even how to ask it. I have, on several occassions, caught my 8 yr old daughter masturbating. (there, I have said it). This is so hard for me to talk about. I cannot even talk about it when it comes to myself. My parents were not very open about sex at all, I dont remember ever having "that talk". My first reaction to my daughter was not a good one. I think I made her feel like a bad person. I know now that masturbation is not a bad thing, and can be very good in fact. But 8 yrs old? Is this normal? How do I handle this with her? I am so scared for her, I am scared that she will be sexually active at a very young age. I didnt know where else to turn, I would appreciate any comments, help, etc. Thanks!

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liquidlight

I'm still a couple years off from this with my kids, but I've always appreciated how open my family was about sex when we were growing up, and I've always thought that it's important that my kids be able to be honest with me about sex, otherwise they're going to look for other avenues and that rarely ends up in a healthy outlet.

My real suggestion here would be to sit down with your daughter and find out why she's masturbating, but only after you've personally come to terms with the fact that it's going on. You said yourself that this isn't a bad thing so you need to make sure that you don't express it as such or their will be a level of shame that she's not likely going to be able to breach and allow herself to be frank about it. Personally I would let her know that I'm concerned about why she's masturbating, but hopefully in a way that isn't perceived as condemning the masturbation.

Honestly I see 8 as more than a little young for masturbation, but we don't know her reasons, and until you talk to her to find out why she's doing it all you can do is make suppositions and conjecture which will really only make it harder to sit down and have an open discussion with her.

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maleficent

Eight really isn't that young for masturbation, my bet is she figured out that it feels good, but doesn't necessarily know why it feels good or what feels so good about it. There's more than likely. nothing sexual in intent about it.

Find some books at the library that would help you talk about sex to younger kids, or do some googling (Preteen girls and masturbation is a bad google - I'm gonna have some explaining to do with the alarms I am sure got set off on the fire wall) about how to talk to her about this topic and how to listen to her.

Don't make assumptions that masturabating at age 8 will lead to blowjobs on the school bus and promiscuous behavior.

If you are comfortable with sex and talkin about it, it will make for a better relationship with your daughter becaude she'll be able to come to you.

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JustJess

I would also ask how she figured out that it feels good. I know little boys are always tugging at themselves, but it's a little bit more unusual for a girl (not necessarily bad, of course).

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Cynthetiq

studies show that even babies masturbate... i don't remember where i read that but i do recall it.

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amonkie

Has she had a check up recently? If she's got any sort of infection down there, that could also have started itching, and just led to rubbing down there.

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Meditrina

Thank you everyone for you input. Now I know what to ask her when we talk about it again. She has not had a check up in ahwhile, only gets them 1x a year now, but I will ask her if it is itchy. I did ask her why she was doing it, after I told her it was not bad to do, she was able to talk to me a little bit. At first she shrugged her shoulders, then she said when she is cold it warms her up. I am thinking of asking her how often she does it. When she first started doing it, I would catch her in the living room. I was able to tell her it is something that needs to be done privately, and she understood that. Maybe talking to her about it will help me with my inhibitions about it. and I will google it from my home computer tonight, and try to find some books. I never expected to be dealing with this at this age, I am totally unprepared.

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Cynthetiq

glad that you are making headway.

since you realize that you are behind and unprepared, take the time now to start preparing for the other things like drugs.

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Hash_Browns

Babies are known to rock back and forth and the squeezing of the thighs tightens around the vaginal area and causes a sensation which most doctors refer to as 'self stimulation' or masterbation. I just read this somewhere too, and the doctors say most babies grow out of it.

However I am living proof that they don't, they just learned to hide it very well. My mom told me I started rubbing on things in my crib when I ws 2 months old. She told me this after walking in on me when I was 13 and 'humping' a pile of pillows and blankets because I was bored. And I can remember doing it for years before that. It scared the living crap out of me and I sat in my room and cried for about 20 mins. She had opened my door, I seen her, she closed the door and went downstairs where she waited for me to come out. When I finally did, she looked at me so warmly and said 'Honey, why are you crying? I'm not upset, I'm just sorry I didn't knock." to which I replied "I thought I was going to get in trouble." My Mom was great, she told me "honey, what you were doing was not wrong. It's a private thing, and I know now that you need more privacy, as long as that's all you're doing. I will be sure to knock before coming in." And she went into how she has done the same thing when she was my age and that even tho the bible says what it says about the subject, it's a natural feeling and when I grow up I will understand what I like and there's nothing wrong with that.

These comments are a bit strong for an 8 year old, and my mother and I had already had a few 'sex' talks and stuff because I was molested at a young age. All of these things that I had experienced, knowing what made me feel good, and knowing what sex was at such a young age didn't make me lose my virginity, if anything it gave me the knowledge there are other things out there that feel just as good, and I can do it myself. Just try to talk to her about it, ask her if its something she only does alone. And because of my history, please don't think I'm being crazy, you could always ask her if anyone had ever done anything to prompt her learning these things? I am not suggesting this because I think that's the only way she learned it, only to give you a chance to open the door for her to talk about these things, just in case. Please don't read this and think for a second about it to long before asking her. That's the only reason my mom found out that someone had touched me, when I was 6 she just plainly asked, without making accusations or making me feel bad, she just asked plainly and I answered yes. I have always been able to takl to her since then because she never made me feel bad about it and we helped each other deal with everything else after that. If she says no, then you will know and can move on from there.

Not only does my 4 year old know what her private parts are, she knows she can call anything she wants her private parts, even her elbow. I have already talked to her about them so that she will know it's ok to talk about them should she ever need to. I know some people are going to think this an extreme, but I don't really care, I am not giving her the birds and the bees, just a comfort of knowledge and knowing that I am opening a door for these things to be talked about freely.

I hope this was somewhat helpful, and that you only take from it what you feel is appropriate for your situation, this is more about mine and I'mjust hoping it helps a little bit.

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Meditrina

Thank you for your honesty HashBrowns. I will be sure to ask her where she learned about it. I once had fears that the babysitters husband had done something and I had asked my daughter about it and she said no. I am going to ask again. On Thursday her and I will be alone all day, that might be a good time for me to talk to her about it.

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Hash_Browns

just wanted to note that I had added a bit more after your comment, cuz I didn't know if it would get cut off. And you are more then welcome. Like I said, just because she is masterbating doesn't mean anyone showed her. It just means that it's a chance to find out and talk to her about it No matter what happens I am more then sure you will be able to handle it. And I also think it's great that you are talking about it and grasping it a little bit more. What happened before with your response can be explained away and you both will get past that once you open the door to discussion. (In my opinion anyways, formed by your willingness to 'seek help')

Good luck!

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Hash_Browns

Oh and again, when and if you ask her, make sure that you let her know she's not in trouble, you are just wanting to make sure that everything is ok. Even if it's a secret she can tell you because mom's just gotta know these things, and don't name names, just ask her in a general way if anyone had every touched her in a way she wasn't used to or didn't like. And remind her you are her mom and will always love her no matter what she may reply with.

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Demeter

I discovered masturbation around the same age. With me, it was a decline in my health at that time. (I had a series of illnesses, chicken pox, a subsequent staph infection from an infected pox, which led to bladder & kidney infections, I was run down). Due to the pain of urinating, I found rubbing there felt good, and it was a distraction from the need to go pee. Voila, one day I did some vigorous rubbing & became a very surprised girl. I think I masturbabted almost daily after that (til today even, lol). It had no sexual connection whatsoever, I didn't know about female orgasm until many years later. To me it was part of the urinary system.

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Sage

A lot of times people associate masturbation at any age with what it means when you're older- something sexual. But hey, when you rub yourself down there, it feels good! This is true at any age. If your daughter has discovered it feels good, then you totally have the oppurtunity to let her feel good about herself and exploring her body (not her sexuality, just how her body works) at an early age. So many people think that the more you know about your own body, the more likely you are to go out and share it with other people, but this is not the case. If your daughter knows that not only can she come to you with questions about her "private parts" but that you will talk to her in an open, loving manner, she's gonna be more likely to come to you and talk to you about what's going on- including getting her period, starting to like boys, and even (gasp!) sex one day. You've got the perfect oppurtunity to let her know she can talk to you about anything, thus greatly dimishing the chance that when she does have questions about sex, menustration, and the like, she'll come to you to get accurate information instead of turn to her peers who will tell her who knows what crazy things.

Please, be open with your daughter. One of the things I never had with my mom and dad was an open, honest line of communication about sex and the body. I wasn't even allowed to go to sex ed in 5th grade because my mom said "if you have any questions we can talk about them" which never happened. I was by no means a slut when I was a teenager, but I would not have gotten myself in quite so many precarious situations if I had the proper teaching about sex. I lost my virginity at 18 to the WRONG guy (tho, thankfully, there were no negative consequences afterwards, other than regret) because I didn't want to be a virgin when I went to college. I wish someone had told me in more than just an abstract way that losing your virginity can be a big deal.

good luck

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shakran

do not ask her how often she does it. That is none of your business, and she is entitled to privacy with things that don't matter.

Unless you can think of a compelling reason for you to know the answer to a question, then there is no reason to ask it.

KinkyKiwi

i've been masturbating as long as i can remember..its just something that kids/teenagers/adults all do..doesnt mean she was abused or anything..it just means she has a normal 8 year old body that *gasp* feels good when she touches *shrug* just be open and accepting and knock first

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Derwood

My daughter is 2 and she always wants to play with herself in the bathtub. I think it's a natural thing. Nothing sexual about it at that young of an age.

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Meditrina

While painting the playroom last night I spoke with my daugther about it. I think she understands now that I am always here for her, and that what she is doing is normal, but should be kept private. I did ask her where she learned this and I was shocked by the answer and not really sure how to take it. No she was not molested. She said she learned it in preschool, at nap time, from a boy. She says he never touched her though. I am not really understanding how he taught her then. Is this possible something she made up in her head? We talked for a bit longer. I told her no one is to touch her that way, not even daddy, and if they did, I hoped she would feel comfortable to tell me. She said she would. I also told her that lying about it, telling someone it happened when it really did not, is not a good thing. I am pretty sure she understands that. I am not sure what to do from here. I want to find some books that she can read, with or without me, so that the lines of communiciation remain open. I will research it from home. I hope I handled this right.

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"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

maleficent

Sounds like you have done well... Just remember if you don't make a big deal out of it, neither will she...

For books, honestly, check out your local library and talk to the librarian, tell her you are interested in a book on talking to your child about sex, and sexual behavior. and a book for your child for the same topic. You might also want to talk to your family doctor about a book. I will guarentee it's not the first time they've been asked that question..

There are also a lot of pamphlets available on the web - usually the feminine hygiene sites have them -- and you can have them mailed to you - on "your changing body". She might be a little young for that, but - eh --you never know.

Doing a quick search on Amazon, searching on Sex education for children returns a lot of what seem to be good titles... I'm sure the library would carry most of them

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