Mrs. B

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Sage

Let me start off my saying I don't have a kid. So I can't totally relate to what you're saying.

But, my mother (who is one of the greatest people on the planet) told me when I got about 18 that she was carrying around a lot of guilt about my childhood- she wished it had been better. I looked at her like she was crazy and said "mom, I had the best childhood anyone could want!" So keep in mind it's a matter of perspective.

Anyway, it sounds like you're in conflict with yourself over how you're raising your kid. She's becoming a teenager, and is maturing (thus the body hair and the "going on 35 bit") and you're not sure what to do.
About the shaving: why, if you feel she should shave, doesn't she shave? Why is she too young to shave if she's got enough body hair to warrant shaving? Shouldn't shaving depend on how much body hair you have, and not how old you are?
About the taking her to school with you: Well, what else can you do? If you communicate with her, and tell her that you are taking her to school with you because you have no other option, it's not like she's gonna be upset, because she understands that you're doing it in her best interest. (yeah, she might whine a bit, but trust me, she'll understand) Is there a neighbor or one of her friends that you would feel comfortable leaving her with for a few nights a week when you go to school? That way she doesn't have to go to school with you every night, just some nights.
As to the being grounded: kids do stupid stuff. Hell, if it was a bright red lipstick, I can totally understand why she wrote what she did (too young to want to write "redrum" I suppose). Every kid needs disicpline, that's how they learn right from wrong. Have you talked to her about what she did? Perhaps asked why she did it? Say "It's nice to play with things, but you need to think more about what you do before you do it."

You're doing the best job you can- that's all anyone can ask of their parents. Have you talked to your husband about this? You both should be communicating as to how you feel about your daughter. Have you talked to your daughter about everything that is affecting her as she's maturing? Have you and your husband both taken time to be with her and let her know that you love her no matter what she does?

COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER! It's always the best way to solve any problem!

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Mrs. B

Thanks for your words of wisdom. They helped.
I know this problem is 90% me and 10% the issue with my daughter. I just have to put myself in check I guess. It's not all that bad. I don't take her to school every nite, just a couple out of the week.

My husband and I have talked to her about her current and past behavior. And my husband is VERY BIG on communicating - that's sort of his forte. Right now, he's kind of giving her the silent treatment because he wants her to know that what she did was wrong and she needs to "grow up". He wants her to know that we're upset about her actions.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it.

Sage

Personally, I think the silent treatment is the oppisite of communicating. Yeah, what your kid did was wrong, and yeah, she needs to "grow up" but she's 10. You don't act entirely responsible when you're 10. Besides, she just wrote on the bathroom wall, it's not like she was smoking pot. I think the silent treatment is incredibly ineffectual because you're bottling up potential avenues of communication between you and your kid- to me it would make more sense to have a heart to heart about what she did, and then if she does it again be more severe in her form of punishment. 2c

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sexymama

Mrs. B. I think that you are right, there need to be consequences for her actions. It is your job to help her learn. I'm wondering how long the "grounding" is for and how long she has to go to school with you? At what point will you trust her again? She needs to know how she can prove herself to you.

In the future, it may be helpful to keep the consequence tied to the "crime." For example, she wrote on the wall so her consequence is having to pay for paint and paint the wall OR to scrub the wall down. If it was public property, then she should have to pay any fines that came about as a result. No more is probably needed then that UNLESS the action is reaccuring, then stiffer consequences should be inforced.

Recently (I may have mentioned this in another thread) our daughter came home from an overnight, remembered that I was out of town and that dad was working. Rather then calling and checking in as she should have, she went to a movie with her friend. We were panicked when we couldn't get ahold of her. (She is 11.) Finally Lebell came home from work to look for her -- loosing much needed income. It just so happened the next day she had her first money making dog sitting job. Guess where that income went? You got it, to repay what dad lost in income. (Okay, her $10 didn't make up for his $30 something -- but the point was made.)

I truly thought she learned her lesson; but the very next day she was late coming back from the neigbor's house. Then we put her on restriction for a week. I think she now has the idea that she must check in with us as agreed upon.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

zombie_sympathi

I don't have any input on your behavioral questions, but I have a suggestion about shaving.

When I was a little older than your daughter my friends all shaved but I wasn't allowed to. I really wanted to, and the only reason I wanted to was because my friends did -- the same reason that, after a friend of mine started her period for the first time, I wanted to as well. I was in a rush to grow up. But now that I am old enough to put more consideration into my decisions, I have realized that things like shaving and wearing make-up are all very personal decisions -- and also completely optional. Your daughter may not want to shave at all. I think it would be good for her (self-esteem wise) if you did not tell her she needs to shave. She should make the decision herself when she is older. Telling her that she needs to shave might give her the impression that her natural bodily appearance, functions, etc., are dirty/gross and need to be changed. Your daughter will be much happier if you teach her to love herself for who she is, hair and all, and if you give her the option to choose whether she wants to shave at a later time -- when you and she both feel that she is ready. I would examine her reasons for wanting to shave though, because if they were anything like mine, there isn't much thought going into it.

shakran

First I want to commend you. You're disciplining your child, which is something that too few parents are doing these days..

On the shaving issue. I don't really get the too young thing. My beard started coming in when I was in 8th grade. I'm pretty glad my parents didn't think I was "too young" to start shaving at that point The body determines when it is time to start shaving, not chronological age.

The biggest problem I see here are the night classes. You want the kid to be in school all day, and then she has to go to school again, only this time she doesn't even get to participate in the class, and she has to sit there, bored, until most kids should already be in bed. That's no way to be a kid. As I understand your post, you're only taking her with you while she is grounded, not all the time. If it's all the time then we have a whole host of other problems here.

But if my interpretation is correct, then you need to find another punishment. It's not healthy to sit at a desk all day and late into the night. She's been grounded, not chained to your ankle, and it seems to me that her crime, writing on a mirror with somethign that will (as I understand it - -- not having much experience with lipstick ) clean off easilly, is too severe. Couple reasons for that.

In the first place, it's overkill. Write on the mirror with lipstick, you're grounded for a few days, or you sit ont he stairs for an hour, or something. But it sounds like you've grounded her for a very long time, for a relatively minor crime. That doesn't give you very much wiggle room if she does something worse. What if she hits another kid? What will you do to make the punishment more severe? hang her upside down by her ankles? You can't ground her forever - after awhile, the punishment becomes so long that, with no end in sight, she doesn't have much incentive to behave anymore. It's like the prisoner who's in jail for life with no parole. There's not much incentive for him to worry about not committing crimes in there - what will they do? Give him 2 life sentences?

Also, grounding isn't an ideal punishment because children tend to respond better to the immediate rather than the distant future. A more immediate punishment would be better. I like the "instant chores" method. My kid screws up, he gets a chore. The difficulty of the chore depends on the heinousness of the screwup. This not only accomplishes your goal of having a negative consequence to her bad behavior, but it also gets things done around the house. The last time my kid screwed up, he found himself washing every window, inside and out, in the house (yes, it's a single story) and scrubbing the tiles (nasty little 1 inch ones with LOTS of grout) in the bathroom. Bet he'll never hit the dog again, which is my goal.