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Old 04-26-2004, 09:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Problem with parenting styles

Have any of you tackled having a different parenting style than your spouse? I tend to try to reason through everything, but haning around my wife, who often uses the if-it-doesn't-fit-get-the-bigger-hammer approach to parenting, I've been having more of a temper, which really, really bothers me. I'm trying to demonstrate and show how rationalization with kids really does work and barking orders isn't the way to get things accomplished with the rugrats, but I'm having diffulties keeping a rational conversation about this with my spouse.

I'm trying to keep myself calm in times of crisis with two kids (the third isn't old enough to be trouble or a victim of this issue yet), but its a challenge. The kids, 4 and 10 years old, seem bent on ticking each other off every moment they see each other, so I try to get in the middle and be the ref. They do love each other and care for each other, and even get along...as long as the 10 yr old is in charge. I'm getting back to my calm, rational self, but its tough when I'm battling two kids and a spouse.

Any ideas or identification with my plight would be helpful! :-)

Tnx!
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Old 04-27-2004, 10:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm the type to talk more than use the hammer so to speak. I think hubby is the other way around. I'm more tolerant that I should be for sure. Hubby can sometimes be too quick to punish. We're both learning to move towards a common medium. I'm trying to be more firm and consistant with punishment. Kids do need consequences at times or they just don't learn. Hubby is trying to take a little slower approach.

The hardest part about this is when hubby gets upset with our daughter and sends to her to room ASAP when I'm trying to talk to her. Usually its when she's gotten to the point of whining and isn't listening to me anyway. I try to step back and let him discipline the way he sees fit. It's hard to let your partner discipline in their own way. As long as they aren't abusing though I see no reason that I should interfer. Hubby doesn't blow up at her really - just puts his foot down. I try to take a lesson from it. There are some times when he'll hear her freaking out over something and I'm dealing with it and not punishing her because of some other circumstance. Such as another child pinched her and she pushed them down or screams at them. He may hear the raised voices and jump in. Usually sending her to her room first. I take the brief chance to tell him of the "extenuating" circumstances and he'll alter his punishment or let her out of her room right away. If nothing it gives both her and us a moment to cool down or decide what the final punishment will be.

No matter what I've learned that I can't call hubby on the carpet for too severe of a punishment right away. If I question his judgement I have to go to him quietly after she is not around and ask his reasoning. Sometimes it will make sense to me and other times I may know of a piece of information that might change his mind. Then I let him go to her to alter the punishment.

We all make mistakes and can sometimes be too harsh or too lenient. I for one will always need to learn how to discipline better. Differing parenting styles comes with the territory of a couple raising children together. My own parents had different styles and yes I figured out who would let me get away with more. When it came down to it though, if it was something more serious they always seemed to provide a unified front. They back each other up. We accepted that Mom was the strict one. It didn't mean to did it all wrong. We just learned not to cross her. I think I had just as much fun with my mom as my dad even though they were different in their styles.

Just my 2c.
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Old 04-27-2004, 11:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!
You seem to be asking two questions here. First off, my wife and I agreed on several things before we got married on dealing with the rearing. We decided that what ever one said, it was not going to be changed by the other. So whatever was said goes kind of thing. We have yet to disagree on punishment or the way of handling things.

As for the children battleing, once and while you just have to let it go. This is hard for me, because I don't like to have anyone upset, and I try to get in the middle to smooth things out. But you have to let them learn to fight, verbally, and to solve things on their own. Not all the time but enough. But you also have to get your wife on board to your thinking as well.
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Old 04-27-2004, 04:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Great to hear the challenges we face are not significantly different than others. I think we're moving along in the process of coming to a common ground on how to discipline. We don't have a system yet, but we're getting there. I think we're both a bit stubborn, so that doesn't help. It takes time...

I've had to step back, just recently to have them work it out, even though there's quite a bit of an age difference, they should be able to figure out how to get along with each other.
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Old 05-01-2004, 07:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by imkeen
Great to hear the challenges we face are not significantly different than others. I think we're moving along in the process of coming to a common ground on how to discipline. We don't have a system yet, but we're getting there. I think we're both a bit stubborn, so that doesn't help. It takes time...

I've had to step back, just recently to have them work it out, even though there's quite a bit of an age difference, they should be able to figure out how to get along with each other.
I am a student teacher of first- and second-graders, and one of the hardest things to deal with is the blame game -- "He hit me," "No, she shoved me, so I shoved too," and so on -- in part because you can never straighten it out, and in part because it just soaks your time up endlessly.

The teacher I work with doesn't get into the middle unless somebody is obviously hurt or obviously guilty; 98 percent of the time the problem is simply that kids don't know how to cope with their feelings very well. So she sends them outside the door to work it out, and tells them to come back in when they've finished. Generally what happens (I've listened) is that each kid repeats a litany of complaints to the other one, and one or both finds one thing to apologize for. Once that magic words are spoken -- I'm sorry, It's okay -- the storm is over as if it had never been. I've been meaning to ask if or how she trained them to do this, but in the meantime the point is to try to teach _them_ to handle it.

With two teachers in class, of course, children like to play the "I'll ask a different parent" card, just as they do at home, to see if they can get a better deal. Since the two of us are generally in the room at the same time, I always ask the kids if they asked the other teacher first. If they say yes, I tell them to do what she said. If they say no, I make a judgment call based on rules that the other teacher and I have worked out together (parents should do, this, too). Of course, later I also check with the other teacher. If it turns out that a lie has been told, there must be consequences. Over the months that I've been there, nearly all the students have learned to stop trying this tactic, although there's always a diehard.
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Old 05-13-2004, 05:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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First piece of advice -- take a parenting class or go to counseling together so that the two of you can logically think through and discuss your parenting styles without the tension of a current issue between you.

Second -- know that children can and will accept both of you on your own terms. You do not need to be exactly alike; you simply need to be yourself.

Third -- never, ever disagree with your spouse about parenting in front of the children. Always back him/her up 100% and discuss disagreements in private.

Forth -- stay out of the middle of the children's disagreements. I always tell my girls (and sons when they were younger) "I love you both and I simply can't take sides." They still try to involve me and I must admit, when things get really bad, I send them to their rooms to calm down; however, for the most part, I stay out of it and they get along famously. When they do fight and argue, I realize that this is part of them practicing for when they are adults and have conflicts with spouses, coworkers, etc. to deal with. Just like then need to "pretend" they also need to practice for adulthood.

(Side note: I do spend some time teaching them skills for dealing with conflict; however, I found that they mostly learn from my modeling. So, when we are having a conflict, I will make an effort to do the "right" things such as paraphrasing what they say, hearing their feelings, etc. I also work on compromising or making our conflicts win win.)
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