"The Look"And Other Methods of Control - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

snowy · 03-18-2007, 04:58 PM

I came in to the shoutbox this afternoon to read a conversation that had happened between two lovely ladies here at the TFP. One of them mentioned being able to control a child in her life by employing "the Look."

Do you use "the Look" with your children, or did you? Did you find it to be useful?

Personally, I find the Look to be fairly effective. It shows the kids I care for that they know I mean what I say. They're compliant when the Look gets thrown out there. Of course, one can only use the Look when they really mean it.

What are some downsides to the Look, you think? Do children comply with the Look out of fear of the consequences post-Look?

What other methods similar to the Look do you use with your children?

Lady Sage · 03-18-2007, 07:05 PM

Kids know their parents patterns. For example; my godsons know that their mom will threaten til she is blue in the face but never act on it.

If I ask my step-son to do something he does it. After I ask then it becomes tell with usage of the middle name and the look. He knows if he doesnt do it right then grounding will ensue.

My godchildren know that Auntie Sage means business. They mouthed off to my best friend of 16 years in front of me one time. Once is all it takes.

You clean up this mess right now and be finished in 5 minutes. If you are not finished what is left on the floor goes home with me until I think you are responsible enough to take care of it. <Insert look here.> Five minutes later here I come with a garbage bag and well...

The toys were earned back over a period of 2 months. Now all that has to be done is to tell the kids Auntie Sage will be informed of their misbehavior. I dont mind being used in such a manner. Everyones kids love me half to death. I swear one day they will fracture ribs with their hugs.

They dont hate or fear me. They do know that I mean business. Auntie Sage is good for fun and loves to play games with them too... but only when their homework and chores are done.

Elphaba · 03-18-2007, 07:13 PM

I don't have children, but the "look" is very effective with adults in my sphere of influence. I just used it with the hubster.

Atropos4 · 03-18-2007, 07:13 PM

I know I always complied to the look out of fear and the consequences if I didn't.
My neice always listens to me if I give her the look also.

It not only works on kids but also husbands

...sometimes

Lady Sage · 03-18-2007, 07:20 PM

Yes, the look never fails to make Pan look sheepish and sometimes plain frightened.

Stick · 03-18-2007, 08:42 PM

I don't even have to give the look anymore. They jump when the 'Voice Of Command' is used to issue an order.
Sometimes - when I just suggest that something should happen - the reaction times are a little less than Olympic standard,
but on the whole the response is good.
Their mother generally gets a different response though. Many repetitions, each more strident than the last, are what it usually takes
to make things happen. Unless they need a lift somewhere or want some money. Then things will happen fast enough to make your head spin.

Bill O'Rights · 03-18-2007, 08:57 PM

Apparently, (or so I am told) I have a rudimentary and entirely unconscious version of…”The Look”.
I am told that my perpetually squinted right eye will “correct” itself, as my eyes begin to glaze over and my pupils dilate. Those “in the know” realize that now is most defiantly the time to right whatever grievous infraction is being committed. If not, my jaw muscles slowly tighten and my lips begin to constrict. There is still time, but it is of a premium. Small craft warnings are now issued, and mothers are advised to bring their children in from the streets. When my ears turn red…it is too late. Vesuvius is erupting, and may whatever gods, that the object of my ire pray to, have mercy upon their very souls…the rest belongs to me.

ngdawg · 03-19-2007, 08:01 AM

I used 'the look' when I worked in Middle School, having perfected it with my own kids. I truly believe it's why I got the respect and love from 'my kids' while I worked there. "Uh-oh, Mommy R. is pissed..."
It's become such second nature that my son, who will wave me off when he's on the computer, tries to not look at me because once he does, he knows he'd better move it. I'm not even sure anymore what 'the look' looks like

I just know it's there based on my kids' reactions.
Part of the shoutbox convo was 'how does one get 'the look'?' It is really just a matter of a stoic, no-nonsense stance; no backing down, no relenting or giving up, no shouting or getting crazy(but making the receiver of it think you're gonna blow anytime soon). There were times I'ved had to stifle a giggle and keep 'the look' going and other times keep myself from going postal.

Toaster126 · 03-19-2007, 08:39 AM

I think the look really has little to do with an actual expression or who you are per se and more of an understanding between the authority and the non-authority that something will be happening, the authority can force the issue to resolve in the way they want, and it can be done the easy way or the hard way. Of course, this means the look doesn't work with people who aren't afraid of the concequences that you might bring them.

Willravel · 03-19-2007, 08:49 AM

My eyebrows go up a bit and and I focus intently, non-verbally communicating, "You had better be ready to either stop or explain yourself". It seems to work.

ngdawg · 03-19-2007, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toaster126

I think the look really has little to do with an actual expression or who you are per se and more of an understanding between the authority and the non-authority that something will be happening, the authority can force the issue to resolve in the way they want, and it can be done the easy way or the hard way. Of course, this means the look doesn't work with people who aren't afraid of the concequences that you might bring them.

I have a boss who has a permanent smile. I have never seen him not smile, even when he called me in for a serious 'talk'. Basically, if he ever tells me to do something, I answer back and many times as a smartass. Granted, I do my work and I do it well, but I just don't take him very seriously. On the other hand, the store manager rarely smiles and when he does, it's kind of goofy and slight and when he wants something done, his look tells you he 'wants it done'.
With the kids I worked with, only one or two were defiant towards me, no matter what and they were the worst of the worst anyway.
I agree, it's not one kind of facial expression-it's the gained knowledge that when someone does have a particular look or expression-you'd better do what was asked.

God of Thunder · 03-19-2007, 10:27 AM

I always knew how much trouble I was in based on how many names my Mom used.

First named used in stern voice: a little bit of trouble, no big deal.

Full first name along with middle name: Do what's being asked of you NOW if you're wise.

All three names, spoke in a very loud voice: Too late, you already fucked up, just run and hide until she calms down.

I'm trying the same method with my daughter. Since she's only three, we're still in the learning stage.

roulette · 03-22-2007, 06:45 AM

I have 3 children and when I started giving "the look", it didn't work. Then I realized that I wasn't really following through with the "punishment" if they didn't do what they were told. We now have chores that are done everyday and if they don't get done by the end of the day, the next day they get privileges taken away. Now if one of them isn't doing their "list" (of chores) then all I have to do is give them "the look" and they hop up and run to get them done. They have just learned in the past month that privileges WILL be taken away and now they understand what the look actually means, because I am following through with the punishment.
Something else I have learned too that really has nothing to do with the look, but is about parenting....make sure that the punishment you give the child doesn't take away from the parents privileges. (such as no tv or we can't go to this event if you don't get that done etc.) If you take away the tv from your child when you want to watch, then all that will happen is that you will be fighting to keep the kid out of the room while you are trying to watch it.

sillygirl · 03-22-2007, 07:32 AM

I had more of a tone than a look I think when I worked with my teenagers in the group home. I loved them to death-still miss and worry about more than a few of them, and they knew I thought of them as my kids, I think... but... they knew when not to mess with me.

I recall more than a few times a new kid would come to live there and would try to push his limits, and one of the others would say, "Dude, you don't get it... when she talks like that she means it..." or "When she gets that look you'd better just do it- she's not the one you want to piss off".

Right now with my son (8 months) I'm of course trying to establish his boundaries and he understands the "tone". When he reaches for something he's not supposed to have, he gets a "Uh uh uh uh uhhhh" . If it's something that's not safe, he gets a "no." Of course, those are in a different tone entirely than my normal voice with him- a little deeper, and a bit more serious. Then I pick him up and give him something he can play with, or put him somewhere that'll distract him from what he's doing and play for a bit.

He knows from across the room when I say either of those things- he'll pull his hand back from pulling on the window shades and look at me with a "does she mean it?" look. *sigh* *waits for teenagerdom*

Toaster126 · 03-24-2007, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sillygirl

He knows from across the room when I say either of those things- he'll pull his hand back from pulling on the window shades and look at me with a "does she mean it?" look. *sigh* *waits for teenagerdom*

Oh, just be glad he's that far. I used to look at the authority figure and then slowly and delibrately do whatever the forbidden act was while looking into their eyes. At least he fears consequeces.

... hahaha, I need to send my mom flowers or something.

analog · 03-24-2007, 09:23 AM

For me, it was the clearing of the throat. My grandmother was the champion, and I'll be damned if my mom didn't pick up her title and run with it. She could be on the other side of the house, but somehow i'd be doing something alone or getting into mischief with my brother, and we'd hear her clear her throat in our direction, and we'd freeze in hopes that it was going to be ok as long as we stopped whatever we were doing. lol

She didn't need a look, that throat-clearing sound could be employed from anywhere within hearing distance, and didn't require eye contact. lol

sillygirl · 03-24-2007, 07:46 PM

hahaha my dad would snap. To this day when he snaps I stop what I'm doing. And he'd count to three. And you knew that if he got to three, you'd better be able to outrun him.

03-18-2007, 04:58 PM	#1 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	"The Look"And Other Methods of Control I came in to the shoutbox this afternoon to read a conversation that had happened between two lovely ladies here at the TFP. One of them mentioned being able to control a child in her life by employing "the Look." Do you use "the Look" with your children, or did you? Did you find it to be useful? Personally, I find the Look to be fairly effective. It shows the kids I care for that they know I mean what I say. They're compliant when the Look gets thrown out there. Of course, one can only use the Look when they really mean it. What are some downsides to the Look, you think? Do children comply with the Look out of fear of the consequences post-Look? What other methods similar to the Look do you use with your children? __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

03-18-2007, 07:05 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lady Sage Mistress of Mayhem Location: Canton, Ohio	Kids know their parents patterns. For example; my godsons know that their mom will threaten til she is blue in the face but never act on it. If I ask my step-son to do something he does it. After I ask then it becomes tell with usage of the middle name and the look. He knows if he doesnt do it right then grounding will ensue. My godchildren know that Auntie Sage means business. They mouthed off to my best friend of 16 years in front of me one time. Once is all it takes. You clean up this mess right now and be finished in 5 minutes. If you are not finished what is left on the floor goes home with me until I think you are responsible enough to take care of it. <Insert look here.> Five minutes later here I come with a garbage bag and well... The toys were earned back over a period of 2 months. Now all that has to be done is to tell the kids Auntie Sage will be informed of their misbehavior. I dont mind being used in such a manner. Everyones kids love me half to death. I swear one day they will fracture ribs with their hugs. They dont hate or fear me. They do know that I mean business. Auntie Sage is good for fun and loves to play games with them too... but only when their homework and chores are done. __________________ If only closed minds came with closed mouths. Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open. It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

03-18-2007, 07:13 PM	#3 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	I don't have children, but the "look" is very effective with adults in my sphere of influence. I just used it with the hubster. __________________ "You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to." Molly Ivins - 1944-2007

03-18-2007, 07:13 PM	#4 (permalink)
Atropos4 Think about it Location: North Carolina	I know I always complied to the look out of fear and the consequences if I didn't. My neice always listens to me if I give her the look also. It not only works on kids but also husbands ...sometimes __________________ Minds are like parachutes. They work better open. "If I were Hermione, I would have licked his pantleg."

03-18-2007, 07:20 PM	#5 (permalink)
Lady Sage Mistress of Mayhem Location: Canton, Ohio	Yes, the look never fails to make Pan look sheepish and sometimes plain frightened. __________________ If only closed minds came with closed mouths. Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open. It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

03-18-2007, 08:42 PM	#6 (permalink)
Stick Psycho Location: Sydney, Australia	I don't even have to give the look anymore. They jump when the 'Voice Of Command' is used to issue an order. Sometimes - when I just suggest that something should happen - the reaction times are a little less than Olympic standard, but on the whole the response is good. Their mother generally gets a different response though. Many repetitions, each more strident than the last, are what it usually takes to make things happen. Unless they need a lift somewhere or want some money. Then things will happen fast enough to make your head spin. __________________ ominous adj. Menacing; threatening. Of or being an omen, especially an evil one.

03-18-2007, 08:57 PM	#7 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	Apparently, (or so I am told) I have a rudimentary and entirely unconscious version of…”The Look”. I am told that my perpetually squinted right eye will “correct” itself, as my eyes begin to glaze over and my pupils dilate. Those “in the know” realize that now is most defiantly the time to right whatever grievous infraction is being committed. If not, my jaw muscles slowly tighten and my lips begin to constrict. There is still time, but it is of a premium. Small craft warnings are now issued, and mothers are advised to bring their children in from the streets. When my ears turn red…it is too late. Vesuvius is erupting, and may whatever gods, that the object of my ire pray to, have mercy upon their very souls…the rest belongs to me. __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

03-19-2007, 08:01 AM	#8 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	I used 'the look' when I worked in Middle School, having perfected it with my own kids. I truly believe it's why I got the respect and love from 'my kids' while I worked there. "Uh-oh, Mommy R. is pissed..." It's become such second nature that my son, who will wave me off when he's on the computer, tries to not look at me because once he does, he knows he'd better move it. I'm not even sure anymore what 'the look' looks like I just know it's there based on my kids' reactions. Part of the shoutbox convo was 'how does one get 'the look'?' It is really just a matter of a stoic, no-nonsense stance; no backing down, no relenting or giving up, no shouting or getting crazy(but making the receiver of it think you're gonna blow anytime soon). There were times I'ved had to stifle a giggle and keep 'the look' going and other times keep myself from going postal. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

03-19-2007, 08:39 AM	#9 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	I think the look really has little to do with an actual expression or who you are per se and more of an understanding between the authority and the non-authority that something will be happening, the authority can force the issue to resolve in the way they want, and it can be done the easy way or the hard way. Of course, this means the look doesn't work with people who aren't afraid of the concequences that you might bring them. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

03-19-2007, 08:49 AM	#10 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	My eyebrows go up a bit and and I focus intently, non-verbally communicating, "You had better be ready to either stop or explain yourself". It seems to work.

03-19-2007, 10:27 AM	#12 (permalink)
God of Thunder Talk nerdy to me Location: Flint, MI	I always knew how much trouble I was in based on how many names my Mom used. First named used in stern voice: a little bit of trouble, no big deal. Full first name along with middle name: Do what's being asked of you NOW if you're wise. All three names, spoke in a very loud voice: Too late, you already fucked up, just run and hide until she calms down. I'm trying the same method with my daughter. Since she's only three, we're still in the learning stage. __________________ I reject your reality, and substitute my own -- Adam Savage

03-22-2007, 06:45 AM	#13 (permalink)
roulette Upright	I have 3 children and when I started giving "the look", it didn't work. Then I realized that I wasn't really following through with the "punishment" if they didn't do what they were told. We now have chores that are done everyday and if they don't get done by the end of the day, the next day they get privileges taken away. Now if one of them isn't doing their "list" (of chores) then all I have to do is give them "the look" and they hop up and run to get them done. They have just learned in the past month that privileges WILL be taken away and now they understand what the look actually means, because I am following through with the punishment. Something else I have learned too that really has nothing to do with the look, but is about parenting....make sure that the punishment you give the child doesn't take away from the parents privileges. (such as no tv or we can't go to this event if you don't get that done etc.) If you take away the tv from your child when you want to watch, then all that will happen is that you will be fighting to keep the kid out of the room while you are trying to watch it.

03-22-2007, 07:32 AM	#14 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I had more of a tone than a look I think when I worked with my teenagers in the group home. I loved them to death-still miss and worry about more than a few of them, and they knew I thought of them as my kids, I think... but... they knew when not to mess with me. I recall more than a few times a new kid would come to live there and would try to push his limits, and one of the others would say, "Dude, you don't get it... when she talks like that she means it..." or "When she gets that look you'd better just do it- she's not the one you want to piss off". Right now with my son (8 months) I'm of course trying to establish his boundaries and he understands the "tone". When he reaches for something he's not supposed to have, he gets a "Uh uh uh uh uhhhh" . If it's something that's not safe, he gets a "no." Of course, those are in a different tone entirely than my normal voice with him- a little deeper, and a bit more serious. Then I pick him up and give him something he can play with, or put him somewhere that'll distract him from what he's doing and play for a bit. He knows from across the room when I say either of those things- he'll pull his hand back from pulling on the window shades and look at me with a "does she mean it?" look. sigh waits for teenagerdom __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

03-24-2007, 09:23 AM	#16 (permalink)
analog Banned	For me, it was the clearing of the throat. My grandmother was the champion, and I'll be damned if my mom didn't pick up her title and run with it. She could be on the other side of the house, but somehow i'd be doing something alone or getting into mischief with my brother, and we'd hear her clear her throat in our direction, and we'd freeze in hopes that it was going to be ok as long as we stopped whatever we were doing. lol She didn't need a look, that throat-clearing sound could be employed from anywhere within hearing distance, and didn't require eye contact. lol

03-24-2007, 07:46 PM	#17 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	hahaha my dad would snap. To this day when he snaps I stop what I'm doing. And he'd count to three. And you knew that if he got to three, you'd better be able to outrun him. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...