A thread of poems - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Esen · 08-09-2003, 03:57 PM

Loves thirst

And in my pain
you felt me diing
diing for your thirst
gentle at first the fever spread
the dillusion bread
but the trembling never subsided
stillborn is the love that lay there malnourished
frozen cracks, the setiment that was never spoken
broken slivers of glass chalices over dripping with the whines of my final laughter
Dream with me
lavish my true intentions
bring great gulps of satisfaction to my dried cracked lips
stained is the purity of the non release
the release that was held tight and beaten
the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden
the same burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights
stumbling comes the words that were never spoken.
instead transerred in to the language of spurts and girgles.
great nightmares dancing within the folds of evolution
And these nectors that you prepare before, needed to cure the diing thirst
no longer gentle the fever still spreads

ReggErving · 08-10-2003, 08:58 PM

Good poem.

I am not a criticcor a scholar on the subject just a fan, but maybe you can work with your line breaks to give this poem more of an impact.

J.R.V.A. · 08-11-2003, 02:38 PM

nice one...thanks

Esen · 08-13-2003, 06:35 PM

in balance
the rain falls side by side
never stopping never faltered.
in its puddles
romp with me

Stillborn · 08-19-2003, 08:40 AM

I was going over the first poem and thought that it could be an In Flames song...

chavos · 08-20-2003, 08:27 PM

this is horridly grammar nazi of me, but i did have such an affinity for the first one, i threw it through spell check just so i could love it more.

thus...
And in my pain
you felt me dying
dying for your thirst
gentle at first the fever spread
the delusion bread
but the trembling never subsided
stillborn is the love that lay there malnourished
frozen cracks, the sentiment that was never spoken
broken slivers of glass chalices over dripping with the whines of my final laughter
Dream with me
lavish my true intentions
bring great gulps of satisfaction to my dried cracked lips
stained is the purity of the non release
the release that was held tight and beaten
the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden
the same burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights
stumbling comes the words that were never spoken.
instead transferred in to the language of spurts and gurgles.
great nightmares dancing within the folds of evolution
And these nectars that you prepare before, needed to cure the dying thirst
no longer gentle the fever still spreads

The beginning is very powerful...though i do agree the timing gets a little off in the latter half. Try this perhaps...
"the release that was held tight and beaten
the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden,
burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights
stumbling comes the words that were never spoken."

If i've torn apart something beautiful, forgive me...but i just thought i'd offer those thoughts up. thanks for a great work.

A. Rothschild · 08-20-2003, 11:10 PM

I like that poem. It says a lot but still seem rather organized. Here's one of my rantings... and there are plenty, but I won't bother you with more than this.

Absolution:

oh, I see your wounds
I know what you did
so brutally sliced and bleeding
a short razorblade romance
oh, I can feel your pain
I’ve done the same thing before
but I can’t see what hurts
oh, if you’d just tell me

I feel you turning away from me
I see your heart getting pierced with pain
still I want to save you, but you
oh you, don’t want to let me in

oh, I see your scars
I know why you did it
long trenches down your arm
they are all healed up
but I don’t know how you feel inside
you still haven’t told me
I know it isn’t easy, oh no
all I wanna do is be there for you

I feel you turning away from me
I see your heart getting pierced with pain
still I want to save you, but you
oh you, don’t want to let me in

oh, I see your soul
so haunted and lost
you’re begging for mercy
you want me to give you absolution
but I cannot go back no more
this dead end road is just a wall of tears
there is nothing more I can do
oh, if you just had told me

I feel you turning away from me
I see your heart getting pierced with pain
still I want to save you, but you
oh you, don’t want to let me in

Esen · 08-21-2003, 02:09 AM

Ack,
I appreciate your feedback and all,
but how to explain this.
what I wrote was unedited, it was one pouring out of words feeling and thought.
so yes the grammer was bad there was no breaks etc.
but it was kind of meant to be that way.

But to your defense I did title the thread a thread of poems and poems ares supposed to be structured and all.

And even though your corrections are very touching and do make the poems grammaticly more correct it doesn t feel like my poem anymore.

I look at my poems as the closest way to paint a picture of the mush that is all tangled inside of me.
and to be honest my insides can be ugly hence the ugly poem. i guess it can be kind of like an abstract painting.

The poems are unedited and missing refinement.
Anyhow I appreciate your feedback, but please going forward, can you cut and paste the poem and the corrections into another thread and use that thread as a correction thread. I will totally read your input and all, but as for the original thread I want people to see the poem in its stripped roar erratic state.

Thank you.

Esen · 08-21-2003, 02:42 AM

I hope i didn t come off unappreciative of your feedback, i am truly flattered.

It is just that when I write poems like these, they take me literally about 1 minute to write.
There is a picture in my head, all of the paint from the picture disolves and runs through my viens. I need to put that paint into words before it thins out and disappears.

I'm not trying to be sappy but that is how it is when I write.
To goto the picture and start erasing the posture of the arm and put a new one is difficult for me.

I guess If I was putting these into a book then I would and should edit them,
but I look at my threads here kind of like the exhibition thread, I'm kind of putting naked pictures of myself up.
And to put little clothes over the picture to hide my ugliness well heh heh. I um lol, made myself laugh on that one.

This ugly style of writing is like an orgasm to me. I just want to push it out, make the flow and highness of the poem last as long as possible.
When I write I really don t think about what others think of the orgasm.

I'm just going errrerrrrerrrr getting off.

And I guess that is unfair to others.
I really didn t think that people would actually want to really know what was coming out of my mind and what i really thought.

So your replies have caught me off guard, and has provoked thought.

Sorry to ramble on like this.
I feel kind of like a shitty writer, and from my grammer I guess I am heh heh.

08-09-2003, 03:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
Esen TFPer formaly known as Chauncey Location: North East	A thread of poems Loves thirst And in my pain you felt me diing diing for your thirst gentle at first the fever spread the dillusion bread but the trembling never subsided stillborn is the love that lay there malnourished frozen cracks, the setiment that was never spoken broken slivers of glass chalices over dripping with the whines of my final laughter Dream with me lavish my true intentions bring great gulps of satisfaction to my dried cracked lips stained is the purity of the non release the release that was held tight and beaten the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden the same burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights stumbling comes the words that were never spoken. instead transerred in to the language of spurts and girgles. great nightmares dancing within the folds of evolution And these nectors that you prepare before, needed to cure the diing thirst no longer gentle the fever still spreads __________________ ~Esen What is everyone doing in my room?

08-10-2003, 08:58 PM	#2 (permalink)
ReggErving Addict	Good poem. I am not a criticcor a scholar on the subject just a fan, but maybe you can work with your line breaks to give this poem more of an impact. __________________ ...sitting on your bed with a samauri pose.

08-11-2003, 02:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
J.R.V.A. Junkie Location: Utah	nice one...thanks __________________ And as she plays, her sweet song of laughter floats through the air and warms my heart

08-13-2003, 06:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
Esen TFPer formaly known as Chauncey Location: North East	in balance the rain falls side by side never stopping never faltered. in its puddles romp with me __________________ ~Esen What is everyone doing in my room?

08-19-2003, 08:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
Stillborn Tilted Location: Dingden, DE / Centennial, CO	I was going over the first poem and thought that it could be an In Flames song... __________________ Waiting... to be born again Wanting... the saddest kind of pain Waiting for the day when I will crawl away

08-20-2003, 08:27 PM	#6 (permalink)
chavos Banned Location: St. Paul, MN	this is horridly grammar nazi of me, but i did have such an affinity for the first one, i threw it through spell check just so i could love it more. thus... And in my pain you felt me dying dying for your thirst gentle at first the fever spread the delusion bread but the trembling never subsided stillborn is the love that lay there malnourished frozen cracks, the sentiment that was never spoken broken slivers of glass chalices over dripping with the whines of my final laughter Dream with me lavish my true intentions bring great gulps of satisfaction to my dried cracked lips stained is the purity of the non release the release that was held tight and beaten the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden the same burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights stumbling comes the words that were never spoken. instead transferred in to the language of spurts and gurgles. great nightmares dancing within the folds of evolution And these nectars that you prepare before, needed to cure the dying thirst no longer gentle the fever still spreads The beginning is very powerful...though i do agree the timing gets a little off in the latter half. Try this perhaps... "the release that was held tight and beaten the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden, burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights stumbling comes the words that were never spoken." If i've torn apart something beautiful, forgive me...but i just thought i'd offer those thoughts up. thanks for a great work.

08-20-2003, 11:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
A. Rothschild Upright Location: Denmark	I like that poem. It says a lot but still seem rather organized. Here's one of my rantings... and there are plenty, but I won't bother you with more than this. Absolution: oh, I see your wounds I know what you did so brutally sliced and bleeding a short razorblade romance oh, I can feel your pain I’ve done the same thing before but I can’t see what hurts oh, if you’d just tell me I feel you turning away from me I see your heart getting pierced with pain still I want to save you, but you oh you, don’t want to let me in oh, I see your scars I know why you did it long trenches down your arm they are all healed up but I don’t know how you feel inside you still haven’t told me I know it isn’t easy, oh no all I wanna do is be there for you I feel you turning away from me I see your heart getting pierced with pain still I want to save you, but you oh you, don’t want to let me in oh, I see your soul so haunted and lost you’re begging for mercy you want me to give you absolution but I cannot go back no more this dead end road is just a wall of tears there is nothing more I can do oh, if you just had told me I feel you turning away from me I see your heart getting pierced with pain still I want to save you, but you oh you, don’t want to let me in __________________ Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for company.

08-21-2003, 02:09 AM	#8 (permalink)
Esen TFPer formaly known as Chauncey Location: North East	Ack, I appreciate your feedback and all, but how to explain this. what I wrote was unedited, it was one pouring out of words feeling and thought. so yes the grammer was bad there was no breaks etc. but it was kind of meant to be that way. But to your defense I did title the thread a thread of poems and poems ares supposed to be structured and all. And even though your corrections are very touching and do make the poems grammaticly more correct it doesn t feel like my poem anymore. I look at my poems as the closest way to paint a picture of the mush that is all tangled inside of me. and to be honest my insides can be ugly hence the ugly poem. i guess it can be kind of like an abstract painting. The poems are unedited and missing refinement. Anyhow I appreciate your feedback, but please going forward, can you cut and paste the poem and the corrections into another thread and use that thread as a correction thread. I will totally read your input and all, but as for the original thread I want people to see the poem in its stripped roar erratic state. Thank you. __________________ ~Esen What is everyone doing in my room?

08-21-2003, 02:42 AM	#9 (permalink)
Esen TFPer formaly known as Chauncey Location: North East	I hope i didn t come off unappreciative of your feedback, i am truly flattered. It is just that when I write poems like these, they take me literally about 1 minute to write. There is a picture in my head, all of the paint from the picture disolves and runs through my viens. I need to put that paint into words before it thins out and disappears. I'm not trying to be sappy but that is how it is when I write. To goto the picture and start erasing the posture of the arm and put a new one is difficult for me. I guess If I was putting these into a book then I would and should edit them, but I look at my threads here kind of like the exhibition thread, I'm kind of putting naked pictures of myself up. And to put little clothes over the picture to hide my ugliness well heh heh. I um lol, made myself laugh on that one. This ugly style of writing is like an orgasm to me. I just want to push it out, make the flow and highness of the poem last as long as possible. When I write I really don t think about what others think of the orgasm. I'm just going errrerrrrerrrr getting off. And I guess that is unfair to others. I really didn t think that people would actually want to really know what was coming out of my mind and what i really thought. So your replies have caught me off guard, and has provoked thought. Sorry to ramble on like this. I feel kind of like a shitty writer, and from my grammer I guess I am heh heh. __________________ ~Esen What is everyone doing in my room?