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this is horridly grammar nazi of me, but i did have such an affinity for the first one, i threw it through spell check just so i could love it more.
thus...
And in my pain
you felt me dying
dying for your thirst
gentle at first the fever spread
the delusion bread
but the trembling never subsided
stillborn is the love that lay there malnourished
frozen cracks, the sentiment that was never spoken
broken slivers of glass chalices over dripping with the whines of my final laughter
Dream with me
lavish my true intentions
bring great gulps of satisfaction to my dried cracked lips
stained is the purity of the non release
the release that was held tight and beaten
the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden
the same burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights
stumbling comes the words that were never spoken.
instead transferred in to the language of spurts and gurgles.
great nightmares dancing within the folds of evolution
And these nectars that you prepare before, needed to cure the dying thirst
no longer gentle the fever still spreads
The beginning is very powerful...though i do agree the timing gets a little off in the latter half. Try this perhaps...
"the release that was held tight and beaten
the release that was forever told to be upon great blankets of burden,
burdens that cover the chills of lonely nights
stumbling comes the words that were never spoken."
If i've torn apart something beautiful, forgive me...but i just thought i'd offer those thoughts up. thanks for a great work.
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