Gilda

It's no secret that my sister and I are estranged from my parents over issues related to our sexuality. The Thanksgiving to Christmas time is always hard on me because that was always a big family time for us.

Awhile back, Grace told me that she had a special Christmas surprise for me. I found out what it is tonight, sorta by accident. My brother Boris called and left information about his flight schedule. He's coming here for Christmas, to spend time with me and Sissy. Yay! I called him back and told him I knew what was going on and got him to spill the beans. Hee hee, I'm such a stinker. I was concerned that maybe our parents would be upset with him for not coming home. He said, "Fuck 'em. They got Thanksgiving. You get Christmas."

I get to have my little brother, who literally is twice my size, here for four days . He has to go back quickly because there's some kind of important game January 4th and he has to be there for practices and meetings and so forth.

So that's something wonderful, having a little bit more of my family celebration here.

I started thinking about stealing Christmas from my parents. I thought, I get Boris with me this year. My other brothers and sisters are still school-aged, but I developed this fantasy of one by one enticing them to my Christmas celebration each year. My youngest sister is currently seven, in second grade, so it'll be another eleven years before she's going to college.

I don't want to split the family over this, and I know, despite what he says, he's going to get some flack over this. As will anyone else who chooses me over my parents. But I still get a great deal of satisfaction at knowing that I get to have my little brother with me, and they don't. That it's going to hurt them a little bit. And that, at the same time makes me feel a little guilty for hurting their Christmas celebration, which might make Christmas a little less pleasant for the five (two sisters and three brothers) who are all still at home.

And there's the separate issue of Boris and Sissy. It's wonderful that he's going to be coming here. However, when we were still living at our old place, the one time Boris came to visit was the first time he'd seen Sissy as a girl, and it made him visibly uncomfortable. He was nice and polite, but seeing the brother he was closest to growing up, both in age and in emotional connection, seeing that person as his sister is something that obviously he's still having difficulties with.

Is it wrong to enjoy, not just having him here, but enjoying the idea that it's going to hurt my parents?

Should I try to encourage Boris to try to get to know Sissy? If he did, he'd see what a delightful person she is, happier and calmer and more centered and peaceful, and at the same time having essentially the same core personality she had before. Or maybe his coming here is a sign that he's coming to accept it more.

Heh. I enjoyed it for about five minutes before starting to analyze it to death and putting myself on an emotional roller coaster.

Gilda

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Mantus

That is great new for you Gilda and very sweet of your brother.

You deserve his company as much as anyone. Your folks still have the other kids. Everyone wins. Once more of you family starts visiting during the holidays you can start alternating between having Christmas and Thankgiving.

I would let your brother and sister work things out by themselves. Forcing the issue rarelly gets results. These things take time. And I think you are correct in thinking that this visit is a sign of his acceptance - atleast the begining of it.

It will all work out.
calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean...

ngdawg

I agree. The fact that he's coming means he's at least trying to accept your 'new' sister.
I feel kind of sorry for your parents but not in a way you might think. Maybe they're harboring a lot of guilt and anger at themselves, but they're hurting everyone else in the process. How sad that they can't see that the best thing a parent can do is see their children happy. Instead, they embrace some sort of misplaced anger or hurt as if this was somehow done TO them instead of having nothing to do with them at all.
Don't feel guilty for what they have done to themselves. Have a wonderful holiday with the people you love and who love you in return. That's really what it's all about, no?

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Toaster126

Good to encourage communication, bad to be happy those that have hurt you are now hurt.

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Siege

Totally agree here. I'm sure you're brother will see all the wonderful things you see in Sissy. But not everyone can just switch everything they've known about someone in one meeting.

And you are very fortunate to have the ones you love nearby during the holidays, enjoy

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Dragonknight

Either way you go your going to feel bad about having your brother over, but what about you? Are they not hurting you by having your brothers and sisters with them, and not being able to come and visit you? When it comes down to it your parents are the ones causing the problems by not accepting you and your sisters choices. Don't feel bad about hurting your parents by having your brother over to visit you for Christmas, feel bad about enjoying there pain. Then it becomes a way to hurt them not a way to enjoy the holidays with your family.

As far as your brother and Sissy goes take your time. The fact that he is coming over shows that he is coming to accept the change more. I imagine it would be pretty different seeing your brother that you shared so much in common with as your sister. He'll come around in time.

Oh yeah have a good Christmas!! Honestly enjoy it, you deserve it.

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Grasshopper Green

Don't feel guilty that he is going to get flack, and don't feel guilty that he chose to spend Christmas with you instead of your parents. He's a grown man and he chose to spend it with you. He is probably aware that he will get grief for it; rejoice in that fact that he loves you enough to deal with that.

As far as your feelings of satisfaction for having him instead of your parents...your parents chose to estrange themselves from you from what I understand, so they are only reaping what they have sown. It may sound harsh, but they chose to split the family up when they disowned/estranged themselves from you and Sissy. If their holiday seems a little less cheery, they only have themselves to thank. Just my opinion though.

I hope your Christmas is a little bit brighter this year than in years past, Gilda!

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Sultana

Congrats on your impending holiday joy!

Now for the input:
It's Boris' decision where to spend X-mas, not yours. He's made his decision, now just enjoy it.
I *completely* understand the guilty pleasure that comes with this particular series of events. I personally wouldn't deny it, neither would I revel in it. It just is, and it is earned.

I hope you have the most fantastic holiday to date!

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Cimarron29414

I would have a discussion with Boris and let him know (in more detail) the changes Sissy has gone through - especially the ones that have occurred in the past few months. If you take the time to tell him about this, it will help him prepare BEFORE he gets there. Hence, I think he will be able to enjoy the small amount of time he is going to be there rather than spending most of it "adjusting". Does that make sense?

As for your parents, there's a lot of water under that bridge and we have only heard one side of the story. While I tend to feel that they have unfairly ostracized you from your siblings, again I don't know the whole story.

What I do know is that a moment spent angry or revelling in the pain of others is a moment of personal joy lost forever. You can choose how to spend your moments - I would choose to spend the joyful. If your parents were really bad to you growing up and you left them because of it, then you chose to get away from the pain/anger/unhappiness. To feel pleasure because you are stealing Christmas from them is actually nothing more than allowing them to continue to rob you of true happiness. Your focus should be on ensuring your loved ones and you have a really merry Christmas. Time will determine in which environment your siblings choose to spend their precious holidays. Don't worry about catching fish, focus on becoming the right bait.

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maleficent

It's all about choices... and other people's decisions to support those choices or not..

your parents made their choice... and it is their loss

your brother is making his choice... and it will be his gain to spend some time with his amazing sisters

you are going to have a wonderful christmas, don't worry your head about your parents... think about the fun that you will have with your sibling..

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rlynnm

Amen to that.

That is the sweetest thing..when they are willing to get in trouble for you...

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Gilda

Oh, come on, isn't just a little shadenfreude in order here?

I'm joking, of course. I know that, as much as I . . . have issues with my parents, it's not really productive to wish them harm or take pleasure in it when harm does become them, especially because I know there are five other people, children, involved here.

Ok, so don't worry about Boris. It's his choice, his consequences.

I'm going to do my best to let Christmas be what happens here, and not let whatever is going on back in the MidWest concern me. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. But I'll try.

Let Sissy and Boris work it out on their own terms, huh? Can I just, without pressure, kinda let him know that it would really mean a lot to her to have him acknowledge her as his sister, and that she'll never say it, but having a relationship with him again would make her very happy? And let him do what he will with that information.

Or would that be putting pressure on him? On them.

It's just that they're both such wonderful people and they were so close growing up.

It really isn't necessary. He visited once back at our old place in California, and Sissy's appearance hasn't really changed in any visible way since then. She is a much happier person, though.

Maybe in terms of personality? She is quite different there, in that she's happier and tends to accept herself more, she's more relaxed, but the core of who she is hasn't changed. She was always kind, sensitive, and sweet. I don't know.

I need to figure out what to get him for Christmas! I haven't gotten a Christmas present for a guy of any age in six or seven years. What do you get an 18 year old jock?

He's here in three days .

Gilda

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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

tooth

A cheerleader?


Seriously, that is very cool of him to want to spend some time with you. Perhaps as time marches on, having your siblings accept you and your sister will make it easier for your parents to come to terms. Baby steps.