canuckguy

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ShaniFaye

we had a rule....once my child was born anyone that wanted to see us christmas day came to us....I refused to drag her away from her "santa claus". Christmas eve we went to see my ex's family because they were smart enuff to have the family gathering that day instead of on "the day". With Dave.....one side of his parents does it the weekend before christmas...the other side does it christmas eve so we dont have to drag Amanda away from her stuff (she's 12 now) Anyone that wants to see her or us xmas day is more than welcome to come by our house, which is what my parents do (they live out of town). Some years they elected not to do it and they didnt see us. Which was ok because my parents did they same thing and they understand.

I do not see where it is fair for a family to expect their grandchild/niece/nephew...whatever to get all these really cool gifts and have to give them up "just to visit" when the road travels both ways

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ScottKuma

My family reserves Christmas morning and afternoon for ourselves and for church.

Chrismas Eve and the evening of the 25th we go to other family members' houses....

This is a BIG issue that you and your wife will need to work out. There will need to be compromises made...and that's oftentimes the hardest part. Maybe this year you can go along with it...but next year (or the next Christmas you have off) will be a quiet one at home. Maybe the opposite...but work it out NOW, so you can tell everyone else what your plans will be. Don't apologize for your plans (and don't let your wife apologize, either...). The rest of the family will just have to live with the decision you and your wife come to.

Don't worry too much about someone getting insulted; they were bound to get insulted somewhere down the line anyhow. This is about you creating traditions with YOUR family, not continuing their traditions.

From a personal perspective, we have three sets of parents (my parents, her mom, and her dad/stepmom) whom we feel the need to please. My parents live about 300 miles from our house. We do this by splitting up the holidays. Thanskgiving at one place, Christmas eve at one place, and maybe visiting my parents somewhere in there, too. We made it clear taht we would NOT go crazy trying to please everyone...and it works for us!

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maleficent

Your daughter is still quite young and probably won't remember this christmas when she's older so it might not matter to her...

However, you are your own family now, you want to start your own traditions. It seems a little unreasonable for your in-laws (and it doesn't sound like your parents are doing the same thing) to insist on getting you the entire day.

While it'd be preferable for a child to spend time at home, rather than being out in the cold etc... can you meet them half way -- go for brunch at the inlaws then go home. or just arrive later for dinner

You could also suggest alternate holidays if you wantt o visit your family.

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snowy

My parents always had Christmas and Thanksgiving at their house. If people wanted to come see us for the holidays, they were welcome to do so, and they knew where to find us. Having your own Christmas and inviting your family to join you might end up being the best compromise of all.

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Poppinjay

This sounds like it's a good compromise. As somebody else who has worked many a Christmas though, I think you should do what you want. However, if you establish a new tradition, it will affect your in-laws' tradition, and that may be a good thing. If we stuck to tradition without introducing a wrinkle now and then, we'd all be getting oranges in our stocking and horshound candy.

I know when my family went to the 2 Christmas paradigm (morning at home, afternoon with the grandparents), I was quite possible the most overjoyed kid in the world.

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raeanna74

My parents were quite offended that we did not want to go to their house every Christmas and Thanksgiving days. I just ended up having to say that it wasn't gonna happen. I got complaints for it. We normally try to spend alternate holidays with each in-law. Every other year we drive to Indy (when allowed by the weather) and the other years we stay here with my parents for Christmas. I still get complaints but I remind them that we'll come next year. I also let them know well in advance and remind them every so often through the year. It helps them feel more prepared for it. Don't say it as though you don't want to spend it with them but you'd rather have a quiet day and focus on your new little one.

BUT - you may want to take at least one Christmas every few years, at least, to spend with them. This is for them to see you and your daughter as much as for you to spend with them. It still shows them you care and want to be part of the family. But you need your own core family time together too.

Last year we managed to get both hubby's and my family to come to our place for Thanksgiving. I loved it and managed to handle it pretty well. We even had one unexpected visitor and my brother and his wife didn't bicker the whole time. We aren't doing that this year but we've communicated that to both of our families already.

Communicate as sensitively, clearly and frequently as you can and if they still can't handle it you will have to steal yourself to ignore the complaints.

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abaya

Yep. I also like ScottKuma's:
I say, be as kind as you can, include various family members/expectations/traditions when possible, but in the end it is still your life, and it comes down to you and your wife's decision together... you're not married to her parents, nor is she to yours. Trading off holidays every other year is a good idea, too. But I think your nuclear family comes first, always.

That said, we used to do the whole morning-at-home, afternoon-at-grandparent's, when I was a kid, and I didn't mind much at all. More presents!!

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Charlatan

We do a lot of travelling over Christmas.

On Christmas Eve we meet with my Aunt and Uncle and my Mom and her Husband (the location of this roates between all three of our houses).

On Christmas Morning we open presents at home with the kids.

On Christmas afternoon we go to my Mother-in-Law's place to open presents and have Christmas dinner (around 3 or 4 in the afternoon)

On Boxing Day we go to my Bother's place or My Mother's place for another dinner (we used to do this day at my Dad's but since he died we still get together.

Somewhere else in this mix falls my Father-in-law's place for dinner. Occasionally this is where we have Christmas dinner but most often it ends up happening some time before New Year's eve.


This is a lot of driving around BUT that what Christmas is... being with the various and sundry parts of our family.


If you want to spend Christmas with your side of the family instead of your wife's side, your wife's side just needs to adjust. Plain and simple.

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canuckguy

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Charlatan

How far away are your parents?

Why not have BOTH sets of parents over to your place? Start a new tradition.

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canuckguy

My parents are about 2 hours away, but since they divorced years ago I'd be scared they would shoot each other if I got them both in the same room. My parents aren't big enough people to put aside there differences for the sake of there grandchildren.

Poppinjay

We could do this at our house. But nobody would be allowed to talk.

Absolutely.

No.

And keep the knives hidden. I will be the first one to go for them.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

ryfo

I guess we are lucky in a way both parents live too far away to spend xmas day with. I still get hasseled to go for a holiday, but my SO has anxiety issues therfore does not like to travel to far from home. We donthave kids but do have a network of friends that invite us over to share the day so it works out well. I think you just tell your wifes parents that you are having a family xmas at home and you will see them boxing day,and dont make up any more excuses, just keep repeating that simple sentence.

Charlatan

I would suggest the follow:

Have one set of parents over for Christmas dinner at your house and go visit the other set on boxing day for another dinner or a brunch.

Better yet, have her parents over for dinner on Christmas. Invite either your Mom or your Dad as well. Then visit with the one that didn't attend Christmas dinner on Boxing day...

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Cynthetiq

and I guess if they make a scene this year.. they don't get invited back for Christmas next yaer... it's not that hard...

remember power shifts once the grandkids are in the picture. if you decide that you don't want them to have anything to do with your kid because they cannot be adults, then tough shit for them.

you set the ground rules for your house and your family, if they don't like it, tough titty said the kitty when the milk ran dry.

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