raeanna74

I feel that I need to speak to my Dad about a situation that has developed. I am not sure how to go about approaching him or exactly what to say. I am hoping that some of the older members here can help give me some perspective on his part in this scenario and how best to approach him without causing him to completely tune me out. At this point as far as I can see I am the only one close to him that he will listen to.

The situation is as follows.
My brother recently left his wife. Because of financial reasons my brother has not filed for divorce yet. My brother has not been responsible in the situation and is at fault for a good part of the problems. SIL is responsible for a great deal of the problems as well. During all of this hubby and I tried to be sympathetic without getting in the middle of their spat. Without going into detail (if you've read my journal you know a little more of the situation) I will at least say that SIL has stalked my brother and attempted to manipulate the situation a great deal. The two of them have one toddler child. Shortly before he left her he had given her money to go get her Depo shot. She did not go get it and did not inform him of it. Her excuse was that she needed stuff from the store and did not want to tell my brother that she'd spent the money on other things. She herself will admit that she has a problem with shopping and buying things she does not need. This problem is so bad that she has shopping bags piled on her closet floor with things that she has not even opened let alone used or worn. She just buys. She got pregnant because she missed the depo shot. She claims that she was pregnant with quads and lost two of them because of the 'stress' she's been going through. Yet when she first went to the Dr she told me that she was pregnant with twins. The Quadruplets announcement has been SINCE then. There were several situations where she called up or showed up at our house to rail at us for 'helping' my brother when we had only allowed him to use our garage to fix his car. Needless to say she is not happy unless you are catering ONLY to her.

Fastforward to current events. My Dad finds SIL attractive. I was working for him one day and we were getting a lot done. She showed up to work for him at one point and work slowed to a crawl while Dad switched from working Dad to MAJOR flirt. I wouldn't deny him his fun and I honestly don't think he would have sex with his daughter-in-law. BUT - Mom does not want him to have her working for him for MANY reasons.
The most neutral reasons are that she is about 4 mo pregnant with twins supposedly. She was on bedrest at one point yet still went to do things with him. Dad does construction - not office work. So she is out there picking up shingles, lifting, hammering, climbing ladders, etc. He does not have insurance for his employees because he normally hires through an employment agency who insures them for him. She is not working through this agency so she is working uninsured. She also does not have any health insurance of her own. This is not good business sense. Not only that but she has been having my neighbor babysit (I asked her to go elseware for babysitting - I just didn't want to get caught in the middle) and Dad has been paying for her childcare. Not only is he paying a pregnant woman to do construction, he is paying for her childcare, and has been taking her out for breakfast and lunches frequently. He is pouring money into her. I'm afraid she will take him for all he's worth.
ALSO - she has turned on so many people that I know. She has even called the police on her Mom and on her Dad for different situations. She lost custody of her first son (not my brother's child) because of her behavior toward her X-boyfriend. She has talked down about my brother enough that she has turned my Dad against him. My Dad last told my brother that he was not his son. Since then he has not talked to him - about a week. That situation between my brother and Dad is their business but I am sure that she has fed my Dad's anger. In fact Dad has started using phrases that she constantly uses. Her grammer is so poor that it sticks out like a sore thumb and Dad has been using the same patterns when he complains about my brother.
The situation is causing my Mom a lot of upset. Dad refuses to listen to Mom and is hiding the fact that he is working SIL and paying her and her childcare from Mom. I have not informed Mom of it all because I don't think it would help her at all. He is not listening to anyone except SIL. He has not talked to his son in a week. He even showed up an hour late to his own B-day party because he was driving SIL around town trying to find out what my brother was doing. She's actually got him stalking his own son.
The situation concerns me because it seems like my Dad is blind to what is happening. Blinded by his attraction to this girl. It is causing a MAJOR rift in my family. My family has not been this divided ever. My parents have been married for 33 years and have not been this divided before. They have had their disagreements but their co-dependant relationship has worked for them. I think my Dad wants to be SIL's hero but I have tried that myself. It will never happen. In the words of my neighbor "She thrives on chaos." and it is a very apt descriptions of her.

How do I approach my Dad? Even if I should. I feel like I should but what reasons should I give him? I cannot go on my Mom's behalf because as soon as I do I am sure he will tune me out. My mom has been nagging him to leave SIL alone for a while. Do I go to SIL? She is good at pretending she is listening but even minutes after agreeing with you she will go do her own thing even if it is the opposite of the advice she solicited from you. I don't think speaking to her would help much. Dad's pastor would not be much help. Pastor has no backbone (sad, I know) and Dad does not think much of him anyway.

Ok - let me have it.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

cj2112

You have to talk to your father. I don't believe that your Dad is intentionally trying to destroy the family that he's worked his whole life to build, however that is what his behavior is doing. If you approach him as a daughter who is fearful that her family is falling apart, and needs his help, I think you will have much more success than if you approach him as somebody else who is telling him he is screwed up. Tread lightly, but you must talk with him.
Going to the SIL is in my opinion the absolute wrong thing to do. She has already proven that her interest is not what is good for your family, but only what she wants. Talking to her will only make you the enemy.

Cynthetiq

You say your piece to your father and you let it go.

you cannot force him nor coerce him.

after you've made your stand, you let it go.

when she comes around the house, you let it go.

when you go to the office and see your father and she's there and he's flirting with her, you let it go.

you can be annoyed and angry by it, but don't wear it on your sleeve as it won't do anyone any good and make you look like the asshole.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

tecoyah

Print the opening post and hand it to him.....watch him read it....then wait for the reaction. His reaction will tell you all you need to know as far as continuing with a conversation.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

raeanna74

All good ideas. I especially like the idea of printing it up - except Dad doesn't read well and hates reading. He'd probably appreciate me just talking to him.

I may just cop out on not saying anything. SIL will be finding out by Mon or Tues if she's got a full time job. At least until she gets herself fired that might remove her from the situation for me. It may not solve everything but perhaps Dad will be more open to listening to any of my concerns if he's not exposed to her quite so much. Who knows. I will wait to hear if she got the job or not.

On a side note - she told me she plans to hide from her employer that she is pregnant until AFTER she gets the job - Bad move. I told her so - she tried to argue with me. This is how she is all the time.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Cynthetiq

you reap what you sow... she's a good reason why those mothers that do want to and really need the job to be shunned by other hiring managers.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

abaya

Wow, Raeanna. I'd go with talking to him directly, and being very clear about how his behavior (and his behavior only, not the SIL's) makes you feel. I'd print out the OP just for reference, or maybe to read parts of it to your father to make sure you cover all the ground. This is just nuts. I'm sorry.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ngdawg

As one who carried twins full-term, I can honestly say, if she can hide the fact that she is pregnant, 4 months along, and WITH twins, supposedly? she can hide anything...I kind of agree with Tec, perhaps read it to your dad or redo what you said in a sincere letter, then, as Cyn said, let it go. He's a grown man, albeit a foolish one right now, but it's his decision in the end. It could stem from guilt for the grandkids and his son, you don't know. Hand him your words and concerns and know you did all you're able to. Good luck.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

pig

I'll go with the other poster's suggestions, and add that while it may seem extreme, it might help to have some sort of recording or specific instances in mind. You dad may not want to admit that this problem exists, but it's tough to deny it when it's laid out in front of you in a form you can't deny. I've had awkward discussions with my parents before, and I think you've got to be prepared for the fact that it's probably going to be an ongoing issue for a bit. One on hand, I believe the truth normally outs itself - albeit sometimes with a heavy price - but this woman is irrevocably a part of your family. That kind of tension sucks.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

ophelia783

I agree with the other posters' suggestions; perhaps leave the opener in an envelope addressed to him, and wait.

__________________
~*~* He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat *~*~

Demeter

This struck me as well. Perhaps she's not even pregnant, or not with twins?

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

mr sticky

Well...Reanna. This is quite a disturbing chain of events.

Take this to heart- no matter what you say to your dad, nor how badly he takes it, I doubt very seriously that this situation could possibly get any more fucked up.

For the life of me though, I'm having a helluva time trying to figure out why in the hell your dad would even remotely show interest of a romantic nature to his daughter-in-law. This part is killing me. It breaks so many established guy rules, it's not even funny.

Reanna-you're in my thoughts,
mr sticky

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The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury