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raeanna74 · 09-07-2005, 05:28 AM

I feel that I need to speak to my Dad about a situation that has developed. I am not sure how to go about approaching him or exactly what to say. I am hoping that some of the older members here can help give me some perspective on his part in this scenario and how best to approach him without causing him to completely tune me out. At this point as far as I can see I am the only one close to him that he will listen to.

The situation is as follows.
My brother recently left his wife. Because of financial reasons my brother has not filed for divorce yet. My brother has not been responsible in the situation and is at fault for a good part of the problems. SIL is responsible for a great deal of the problems as well. During all of this hubby and I tried to be sympathetic without getting in the middle of their spat. Without going into detail (if you've read my journal you know a little more of the situation) I will at least say that SIL has stalked my brother and attempted to manipulate the situation a great deal. The two of them have one toddler child. Shortly before he left her he had given her money to go get her Depo shot. She did not go get it and did not inform him of it. Her excuse was that she needed stuff from the store and did not want to tell my brother that she'd spent the money on other things. She herself will admit that she has a problem with shopping and buying things she does not need. This problem is so bad that she has shopping bags piled on her closet floor with things that she has not even opened let alone used or worn. She just buys. She got pregnant because she missed the depo shot. She claims that she was pregnant with quads and lost two of them because of the 'stress' she's been going through. Yet when she first went to the Dr she told me that she was pregnant with twins. The Quadruplets announcement has been SINCE then. There were several situations where she called up or showed up at our house to rail at us for 'helping' my brother when we had only allowed him to use our garage to fix his car. Needless to say she is not happy unless you are catering ONLY to her.

Fastforward to current events. My Dad finds SIL attractive. I was working for him one day and we were getting a lot done. She showed up to work for him at one point and work slowed to a crawl while Dad switched from working Dad to MAJOR flirt. I wouldn't deny him his fun and I honestly don't think he would have sex with his daughter-in-law. BUT - Mom does not want him to have her working for him for MANY reasons.
The most neutral reasons are that she is about 4 mo pregnant with twins supposedly. She was on bedrest at one point yet still went to do things with him. Dad does construction - not office work. So she is out there picking up shingles, lifting, hammering, climbing ladders, etc. He does not have insurance for his employees because he normally hires through an employment agency who insures them for him. She is not working through this agency so she is working uninsured. She also does not have any health insurance of her own. This is not good business sense. Not only that but she has been having my neighbor babysit (I asked her to go elseware for babysitting - I just didn't want to get caught in the middle) and Dad has been paying for her childcare. Not only is he paying a pregnant woman to do construction, he is paying for her childcare, and has been taking her out for breakfast and lunches frequently. He is pouring money into her. I'm afraid she will take him for all he's worth.
ALSO - she has turned on so many people that I know. She has even called the police on her Mom and on her Dad for different situations. She lost custody of her first son (not my brother's child) because of her behavior toward her X-boyfriend. She has talked down about my brother enough that she has turned my Dad against him. My Dad last told my brother that he was not his son. Since then he has not talked to him - about a week. That situation between my brother and Dad is their business but I am sure that she has fed my Dad's anger. In fact Dad has started using phrases that she constantly uses. Her grammer is so poor that it sticks out like a sore thumb and Dad has been using the same patterns when he complains about my brother.
The situation is causing my Mom a lot of upset. Dad refuses to listen to Mom and is hiding the fact that he is working SIL and paying her and her childcare from Mom. I have not informed Mom of it all because I don't think it would help her at all. He is not listening to anyone except SIL. He has not talked to his son in a week. He even showed up an hour late to his own B-day party because he was driving SIL around town trying to find out what my brother was doing. She's actually got him stalking his own son.
The situation concerns me because it seems like my Dad is blind to what is happening. Blinded by his attraction to this girl. It is causing a MAJOR rift in my family. My family has not been this divided ever. My parents have been married for 33 years and have not been this divided before. They have had their disagreements but their co-dependant relationship has worked for them. I think my Dad wants to be SIL's hero but I have tried that myself. It will never happen. In the words of my neighbor "She thrives on chaos." and it is a very apt descriptions of her.

How do I approach my Dad? Even if I should. I feel like I should but what reasons should I give him? I cannot go on my Mom's behalf because as soon as I do I am sure he will tune me out. My mom has been nagging him to leave SIL alone for a while. Do I go to SIL? She is good at pretending she is listening but even minutes after agreeing with you she will go do her own thing even if it is the opposite of the advice she solicited from you. I don't think speaking to her would help much. Dad's pastor would not be much help. Pastor has no backbone (sad, I know) and Dad does not think much of him anyway.

Ok - let me have it.

09-07-2005, 05:28 AM	#1 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Advice from older members please. I feel that I need to speak to my Dad about a situation that has developed. I am not sure how to go about approaching him or exactly what to say. I am hoping that some of the older members here can help give me some perspective on his part in this scenario and how best to approach him without causing him to completely tune me out. At this point as far as I can see I am the only one close to him that he will listen to. The situation is as follows. My brother recently left his wife. Because of financial reasons my brother has not filed for divorce yet. My brother has not been responsible in the situation and is at fault for a good part of the problems. SIL is responsible for a great deal of the problems as well. During all of this hubby and I tried to be sympathetic without getting in the middle of their spat. Without going into detail (if you've read my journal you know a little more of the situation) I will at least say that SIL has stalked my brother and attempted to manipulate the situation a great deal. The two of them have one toddler child. Shortly before he left her he had given her money to go get her Depo shot. She did not go get it and did not inform him of it. Her excuse was that she needed stuff from the store and did not want to tell my brother that she'd spent the money on other things. She herself will admit that she has a problem with shopping and buying things she does not need. This problem is so bad that she has shopping bags piled on her closet floor with things that she has not even opened let alone used or worn. She just buys. She got pregnant because she missed the depo shot. She claims that she was pregnant with quads and lost two of them because of the 'stress' she's been going through. Yet when she first went to the Dr she told me that she was pregnant with twins. The Quadruplets announcement has been SINCE then. There were several situations where she called up or showed up at our house to rail at us for 'helping' my brother when we had only allowed him to use our garage to fix his car. Needless to say she is not happy unless you are catering ONLY to her. Fastforward to current events. My Dad finds SIL attractive. I was working for him one day and we were getting a lot done. She showed up to work for him at one point and work slowed to a crawl while Dad switched from working Dad to MAJOR flirt. I wouldn't deny him his fun and I honestly don't think he would have sex with his daughter-in-law. BUT - Mom does not want him to have her working for him for MANY reasons. The most neutral reasons are that she is about 4 mo pregnant with twins supposedly. She was on bedrest at one point yet still went to do things with him. Dad does construction - not office work. So she is out there picking up shingles, lifting, hammering, climbing ladders, etc. He does not have insurance for his employees because he normally hires through an employment agency who insures them for him. She is not working through this agency so she is working uninsured. She also does not have any health insurance of her own. This is not good business sense. Not only that but she has been having my neighbor babysit (I asked her to go elseware for babysitting - I just didn't want to get caught in the middle) and Dad has been paying for her childcare. Not only is he paying a pregnant woman to do construction, he is paying for her childcare, and has been taking her out for breakfast and lunches frequently. He is pouring money into her. I'm afraid she will take him for all he's worth. ALSO - she has turned on so many people that I know. She has even called the police on her Mom and on her Dad for different situations. She lost custody of her first son (not my brother's child) because of her behavior toward her X-boyfriend. She has talked down about my brother enough that she has turned my Dad against him. My Dad last told my brother that he was not his son. Since then he has not talked to him - about a week. That situation between my brother and Dad is their business but I am sure that she has fed my Dad's anger. In fact Dad has started using phrases that she constantly uses. Her grammer is so poor that it sticks out like a sore thumb and Dad has been using the same patterns when he complains about my brother. The situation is causing my Mom a lot of upset. Dad refuses to listen to Mom and is hiding the fact that he is working SIL and paying her and her childcare from Mom. I have not informed Mom of it all because I don't think it would help her at all. He is not listening to anyone except SIL. He has not talked to his son in a week. He even showed up an hour late to his own B-day party because he was driving SIL around town trying to find out what my brother was doing. She's actually got him stalking his own son. The situation concerns me because it seems like my Dad is blind to what is happening. Blinded by his attraction to this girl. It is causing a MAJOR rift in my family. My family has not been this divided ever. My parents have been married for 33 years and have not been this divided before. They have had their disagreements but their co-dependant relationship has worked for them. I think my Dad wants to be SIL's hero but I have tried that myself. It will never happen. In the words of my neighbor "She thrives on chaos." and it is a very apt descriptions of her. How do I approach my Dad? Even if I should. I feel like I should but what reasons should I give him? I cannot go on my Mom's behalf because as soon as I do I am sure he will tune me out. My mom has been nagging him to leave SIL alone for a while. Do I go to SIL? She is good at pretending she is listening but even minutes after agreeing with you she will go do her own thing even if it is the opposite of the advice she solicited from you. I don't think speaking to her would help much. Dad's pastor would not be much help. Pastor has no backbone (sad, I know) and Dad does not think much of him anyway. Ok - let me have it. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.