How does one let go of Past Relationships? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Mousencrantz · 08-04-2005, 06:51 PM

First before I say anything further, you must understand that I am like a sponge when it comes to relationships -I learn fast from them and retain all mistakes and successes, but I also remember everything, all the pain and the suffering, romantic feelings, etc. My photographic memory doesn't help with that.

So to the story. I am in a very happy and very healthy relationship, more than I have ever been in before, and although we don't get all the time in the world together in the summers, we live together in the academic year. Sex life rocks the socks, and everything else is just peachy.

Painfully, my last girlfriend, of two and a half years lives at that university. I broke up with her (first time I'd ever done the breaking up) and she took it very hard. Its emotional just to see her, (mainly for her.) So That one is always in my face. Also, my other housemate, who didn't tell me until after signing the lease with us,(which was about four months ago) that she loves me. That She'd be better for me than my current girlfriend. And I hate seeing her cry when she knows she can't be with me. So I get to hurt Girls on a regular basis, that is less fun than a root canal.

Worst of all, since I was 13 (I am now 19) which was grade 7, all the way to grade 10, I had a crush on this one girl, to varying degrees (intensely early on, not so much in later years). She and I were fast friends in grade 7, and word got out of my feelings for her. I had asked her out once and was turned down. Two more attempts followed that. So for years she avoided me and It broke my heart. Years of Torment, relationships that were unsatisfying, and depressing dreams followed. Fast-forward 3 years post grade 10, and I am talking to her on MSN, (we were actually talking for some months, I suppose its because we are different people now,) where something about my feelings comes up (I am a sucker for punishment, as I never forget things).
Flat out, she says "you know, I used to have a crush on you back in grade 7, and for years after that. I was just so shy, I couldn't do a thing about it."

I said "You are how I remember middle school", and she says "ditto".

I have never been more confused in all my life. Not that I have feelings for her, because that is not the case. I am happy. So happy with my life. I didn't know how to react. I laughed, because I thought, "well I suppose it was just bad timing. Atleast now you can think that you didn't really fail, and she actually did care about you." Its like someone changed the past. But now I can't stop thinking why she didn't say anything then. I tried so hard. She is a minister's daughter, and I am no where near as religious as I should be to have ever been hers, but I just wonder why she couldn't have actually been all my firsts (well some of them.) Probably another big mistake, but we're having lunch next week. She requested it, just as friends, to just see eachother, for the first time in years. It will kind of put things in a new light, that we can actually be in the same room together without running away. I hope to actually make a new friend, as I don't have too many good friends. It would be nice. But if old feelings come back, I am out of there.

I suppose in a nutshell, I am just wondering, how does one get rid of memories? Especially when one has a photographic one? Or, more importantly, how does one make it so that they are merely that, photographs in your mind, and no feelings with them? They just tend to drive me nuts. Its not fair to anyone else who is with me. Its not like I talk about them too much (if at all), I just think it damages my psyche, so I don't feel that I belong wholey to anyone. Sometimes it makes me feel fairly numb to the world.

Mildly O.C.Ded,
-Mousencrantz

Jesus Pimp · 08-04-2005, 07:16 PM

Unfortunately it won't happen until you meet someone else.

SirLance · 08-04-2005, 07:23 PM

You never do get rid of the memories. You just get to the point where they don't hurt so damn much. It takes time.

Rodney · 08-04-2005, 09:12 PM

You don't get rid of them. You learn from them, and you work what you've learned into your life (and your future memories). Eventually, everything fits into perspective. You know why things happened. You know what you did or didn't do that made things go down the way they did, and you know what things were really not under your control. You accept all those things. You figure out who you are. The memories will always be with you, but they won't haunt you. Instead, they'll serve you, like a set of pictures you can take out and look at to remind yourself of something, or to find new insights in.

abaya · 08-05-2005, 02:43 AM

I agree with SirLance and Rodney. This was a major problem for me, for a long time. At some point you have to kick yourself in the ass and say, I don´t want these memories to have such power over me anymore. You can´t force this, but it becomes more feasible over time. Remember that it´s your own head, and you ultimately control it (even though it probably feels out of control most of the time, which I understand).

I used to give my past relationships so much power over my memory that there wasn´t much room for anything else... at that point, you hold on only because you want to hold on, not because they are 'stuck' in your head. That´s when the ass-kicking comes in handy. I usually have the most luck exorcising those demons when I write myself a really harsh letter from the more rational side of my brain, and then I read it often until it starts to hit home. But that´s just me.

I´d reconsider your having lunch with this old crush... I had a similar thing happen to me a while back, and it made me pretty uncomfortable in the end. I have a happy, strong relationship with a great guy these days, and I don´t want past things bringing up fresh memories and feelings. It´s not fair to him. Be honest with yourself about why you want to meet her again.

Mousencrantz · 08-05-2005, 03:49 AM

You guys have all been such a great help. Abaya, If it would help to know my logistics behind the lunch thing, I am most tormented by one past relationship (out of 8, not so bad eh!) and one old crush, which both happened almost at the same time about 7 years ago. The reason why I can never get rid of them, atleast so I've come to figure, is that I had never had closure on either of them. The crush just ignored me, quite actively, and I never knew why. My past Girlfriend and I broke up, while still in love with eachother (as a result of politics mostly). With my past girlfriend, I have no idea where she is now. It was a 5 month long relationship and I could never see her again after that. So that is one I'll have to deal with, which has been the hardest. However, with all other relationships I had some kind of closure, and most of those women are friends of mine, not to mention one of them is my best friend (and a member of this forum too,) and I can get past them. In fact, I've learned enough from them to provide stellar advice in times of crisis with other friends of mine. So I figure, that to have lunch with this old crush, of seven years ago (so I believe all old feelings are lost, I mean we are no longer the same people at all,) will just close the book on the whole ordeal. if I make a friend out of it, that's a bonus. But I think perhaps I can have it where there is only one past relationship to tackle, and that would make it easier. What do you think?

Johnny Pyro · 08-05-2005, 05:17 AM

Time, time, and more time. This one girl really broke my heart. Crushed it! I thought I was going to die. That was three years ago. I've been with many girls since her, but not one day goes by that I don't think of her. Not one day. I love her. That bitch.

Of course I'm a lot better, but she is always on my mind. She even got married (to some loser.) I guess I gotta find someone like her or better. In the meantime she will always be on my mind. Dammit!

Try to forget about it and think of the future. Don't live in the past. Those feelings will go away someday. Right?

abaya · 08-05-2005, 07:49 AM

Mouse--I see what you mean. It sounds like you have a good boundary set in your head, that if you start to feel anything again for her at the lunch (or after), then you'll jump ship. As long as you have that boundary it's probably okay. And I assume your current gf knows about everything you're telling us, yes? (If not, I highly recommend telling her.)

Mousencrantz · 08-05-2005, 08:22 AM

Yes. There is no way I'd do any of this without telling her. She is the reason why I am so happy in my life now anyway.

BigBen · 08-05-2005, 08:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mousencrantz

...how does one get rid of memories? Especially when one has a photographic one? Or, more importantly, how does one make it so that they are merely that, photographs in your mind, and no feelings with them? ...

/Ben puts on his biting sarcasm coat...

Booze. Lots and lots of booze.

/end stupid sarcasm

I liked your post. I read it right after about a hundred other ones where the poor 'nice guy' was complaining about never finding a girl.

Dude, you are fucking one girl, living with another who has expressed love for you, and now going to meet up with a girl you wanted in middle school?

Problems are relative, and compared to some of the people I have come to love on this forum, I think you are relatively one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

my $57.64

Mousencrantz · 08-05-2005, 11:08 AM

Thanks ben... I think. Its funny how things can be so dry for so many years, and then when it rains it pours. Which is never a good combination. I've found happiness where I am now, so I kind of ignore all other passes. Mostly they just stroke your ego, and Mine has had more stroking than I would have liked at this moment.

08-04-2005, 06:51 PM	#1 (permalink)
Mousencrantz Upright	How does one let go of Past Relationships? First before I say anything further, you must understand that I am like a sponge when it comes to relationships -I learn fast from them and retain all mistakes and successes, but I also remember everything, all the pain and the suffering, romantic feelings, etc. My photographic memory doesn't help with that. So to the story. I am in a very happy and very healthy relationship, more than I have ever been in before, and although we don't get all the time in the world together in the summers, we live together in the academic year. Sex life rocks the socks, and everything else is just peachy. Painfully, my last girlfriend, of two and a half years lives at that university. I broke up with her (first time I'd ever done the breaking up) and she took it very hard. Its emotional just to see her, (mainly for her.) So That one is always in my face. Also, my other housemate, who didn't tell me until after signing the lease with us,(which was about four months ago) that she loves me. That She'd be better for me than my current girlfriend. And I hate seeing her cry when she knows she can't be with me. So I get to hurt Girls on a regular basis, that is less fun than a root canal. Worst of all, since I was 13 (I am now 19) which was grade 7, all the way to grade 10, I had a crush on this one girl, to varying degrees (intensely early on, not so much in later years). She and I were fast friends in grade 7, and word got out of my feelings for her. I had asked her out once and was turned down. Two more attempts followed that. So for years she avoided me and It broke my heart. Years of Torment, relationships that were unsatisfying, and depressing dreams followed. Fast-forward 3 years post grade 10, and I am talking to her on MSN, (we were actually talking for some months, I suppose its because we are different people now,) where something about my feelings comes up (I am a sucker for punishment, as I never forget things). Flat out, she says "you know, I used to have a crush on you back in grade 7, and for years after that. I was just so shy, I couldn't do a thing about it." I said "You are how I remember middle school", and she says "ditto". I have never been more confused in all my life. Not that I have feelings for her, because that is not the case. I am happy. So happy with my life. I didn't know how to react. I laughed, because I thought, "well I suppose it was just bad timing. Atleast now you can think that you didn't really fail, and she actually did care about you." Its like someone changed the past. But now I can't stop thinking why she didn't say anything then. I tried so hard. She is a minister's daughter, and I am no where near as religious as I should be to have ever been hers, but I just wonder why she couldn't have actually been all my firsts (well some of them.) Probably another big mistake, but we're having lunch next week. She requested it, just as friends, to just see eachother, for the first time in years. It will kind of put things in a new light, that we can actually be in the same room together without running away. I hope to actually make a new friend, as I don't have too many good friends. It would be nice. But if old feelings come back, I am out of there. I suppose in a nutshell, I am just wondering, how does one get rid of memories? Especially when one has a photographic one? Or, more importantly, how does one make it so that they are merely that, photographs in your mind, and no feelings with them? They just tend to drive me nuts. Its not fair to anyone else who is with me. Its not like I talk about them too much (if at all), I just think it damages my psyche, so I don't feel that I belong wholey to anyone. Sometimes it makes me feel fairly numb to the world. Mildly O.C.Ded, -Mousencrantz

08-04-2005, 07:16 PM	#2 (permalink)
Jesus Pimp The Original JizzSmacka	Unfortunately it won't happen until you meet someone else. __________________ Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

08-04-2005, 07:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
SirLance Junkie Location: In the middle of the desert.	You never do get rid of the memories. You just get to the point where they don't hurt so damn much. It takes time. __________________ DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

08-05-2005, 02:43 AM	#5 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	I agree with SirLance and Rodney. This was a major problem for me, for a long time. At some point you have to kick yourself in the ass and say, I don´t want these memories to have such power over me anymore. You can´t force this, but it becomes more feasible over time. Remember that it´s your own head, and you ultimately control it (even though it probably feels out of control most of the time, which I understand). I used to give my past relationships so much power over my memory that there wasn´t much room for anything else... at that point, you hold on only because you want to hold on, not because they are 'stuck' in your head. That´s when the ass-kicking comes in handy. I usually have the most luck exorcising those demons when I write myself a really harsh letter from the more rational side of my brain, and then I read it often until it starts to hit home. But that´s just me. I´d reconsider your having lunch with this old crush... I had a similar thing happen to me a while back, and it made me pretty uncomfortable in the end. I have a happy, strong relationship with a great guy these days, and I don´t want past things bringing up fresh memories and feelings. It´s not fair to him. Be honest with yourself about why you want to meet her again. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

08-05-2005, 05:17 AM	#7 (permalink)
Johnny Pyro Hey Now! Location: Massachusetts (Redneck, white boy town. I hate it here.)	Time, time, and more time. This one girl really broke my heart. Crushed it! I thought I was going to die. That was three years ago. I've been with many girls since her, but not one day goes by that I don't think of her. Not one day. I love her. That bitch. Of course I'm a lot better, but she is always on my mind. She even got married (to some loser.) I guess I gotta find someone like her or better. In the meantime she will always be on my mind. Dammit! Try to forget about it and think of the future. Don't live in the past. Those feelings will go away someday. Right? __________________ "From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

08-04-2005, 09:12 PM	#4 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	You don't get rid of them. You learn from them, and you work what you've learned into your life (and your future memories). Eventually, everything fits into perspective. You know why things happened. You know what you did or didn't do that made things go down the way they did, and you know what things were really not under your control. You accept all those things. You figure out who you are. The memories will always be with you, but they won't haunt you. Instead, they'll serve you, like a set of pictures you can take out and look at to remind yourself of something, or to find new insights in.

08-05-2005, 03:49 AM	#6 (permalink)
Mousencrantz Upright	You guys have all been such a great help. Abaya, If it would help to know my logistics behind the lunch thing, I am most tormented by one past relationship (out of 8, not so bad eh!) and one old crush, which both happened almost at the same time about 7 years ago. The reason why I can never get rid of them, atleast so I've come to figure, is that I had never had closure on either of them. The crush just ignored me, quite actively, and I never knew why. My past Girlfriend and I broke up, while still in love with eachother (as a result of politics mostly). With my past girlfriend, I have no idea where she is now. It was a 5 month long relationship and I could never see her again after that. So that is one I'll have to deal with, which has been the hardest. However, with all other relationships I had some kind of closure, and most of those women are friends of mine, not to mention one of them is my best friend (and a member of this forum too,) and I can get past them. In fact, I've learned enough from them to provide stellar advice in times of crisis with other friends of mine. So I figure, that to have lunch with this old crush, of seven years ago (so I believe all old feelings are lost, I mean we are no longer the same people at all,) will just close the book on the whole ordeal. if I make a friend out of it, that's a bonus. But I think perhaps I can have it where there is only one past relationship to tackle, and that would make it easier. What do you think?

08-05-2005, 07:49 AM	#8 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Mouse--I see what you mean. It sounds like you have a good boundary set in your head, that if you start to feel anything again for her at the lunch (or after), then you'll jump ship. As long as you have that boundary it's probably okay. And I assume your current gf knows about everything you're telling us, yes? (If not, I highly recommend telling her.) __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

08-05-2005, 08:22 AM	#9 (permalink)
Mousencrantz Upright	Yes. There is no way I'd do any of this without telling her. She is the reason why I am so happy in my life now anyway.

08-05-2005, 11:08 AM	#11 (permalink)
Mousencrantz Upright	Thanks ben... I think. Its funny how things can be so dry for so many years, and then when it rains it pours. Which is never a good combination. I've found happiness where I am now, so I kind of ignore all other passes. Mostly they just stroke your ego, and Mine has had more stroking than I would have liked at this moment.