Mousencrantz

First before I say anything further, you must understand that I am like a sponge when it comes to relationships -I learn fast from them and retain all mistakes and successes, but I also remember everything, all the pain and the suffering, romantic feelings, etc. My photographic memory doesn't help with that.

So to the story. I am in a very happy and very healthy relationship, more than I have ever been in before, and although we don't get all the time in the world together in the summers, we live together in the academic year. Sex life rocks the socks, and everything else is just peachy.

Painfully, my last girlfriend, of two and a half years lives at that university. I broke up with her (first time I'd ever done the breaking up) and she took it very hard. Its emotional just to see her, (mainly for her.) So That one is always in my face. Also, my other housemate, who didn't tell me until after signing the lease with us,(which was about four months ago) that she loves me. That She'd be better for me than my current girlfriend. And I hate seeing her cry when she knows she can't be with me. So I get to hurt Girls on a regular basis, that is less fun than a root canal.

Worst of all, since I was 13 (I am now 19) which was grade 7, all the way to grade 10, I had a crush on this one girl, to varying degrees (intensely early on, not so much in later years). She and I were fast friends in grade 7, and word got out of my feelings for her. I had asked her out once and was turned down. Two more attempts followed that. So for years she avoided me and It broke my heart. Years of Torment, relationships that were unsatisfying, and depressing dreams followed. Fast-forward 3 years post grade 10, and I am talking to her on MSN, (we were actually talking for some months, I suppose its because we are different people now,) where something about my feelings comes up (I am a sucker for punishment, as I never forget things).
Flat out, she says "you know, I used to have a crush on you back in grade 7, and for years after that. I was just so shy, I couldn't do a thing about it."

I said "You are how I remember middle school", and she says "ditto".

I have never been more confused in all my life. Not that I have feelings for her, because that is not the case. I am happy. So happy with my life. I didn't know how to react. I laughed, because I thought, "well I suppose it was just bad timing. Atleast now you can think that you didn't really fail, and she actually did care about you." Its like someone changed the past. But now I can't stop thinking why she didn't say anything then. I tried so hard. She is a minister's daughter, and I am no where near as religious as I should be to have ever been hers, but I just wonder why she couldn't have actually been all my firsts (well some of them.) Probably another big mistake, but we're having lunch next week. She requested it, just as friends, to just see eachother, for the first time in years. It will kind of put things in a new light, that we can actually be in the same room together without running away. I hope to actually make a new friend, as I don't have too many good friends. It would be nice. But if old feelings come back, I am out of there.

I suppose in a nutshell, I am just wondering, how does one get rid of memories? Especially when one has a photographic one? Or, more importantly, how does one make it so that they are merely that, photographs in your mind, and no feelings with them? They just tend to drive me nuts. Its not fair to anyone else who is with me. Its not like I talk about them too much (if at all), I just think it damages my psyche, so I don't feel that I belong wholey to anyone. Sometimes it makes me feel fairly numb to the world.

Mildly O.C.Ded,
-Mousencrantz