JustJess

I have to agree with Lurkette on this - what are you bothering with all this for? I can tell you - she's cheating. If you care, try to work it out. If you don't, just break it off.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

intecel

I should just show her this thread......

Bossnass

As I was reading responses, this post was forming almost word for word in my mind. I support the idea of taking your time to becoming sure if you want to marry, but with the evidence presented and your reactions to it, it seems like there are a couple 'deal breakers' already. I say both parties should cut their losses and call it quits.

(Grain of salt: Of course, years ago I was -maybe- cheated on and I never found out for sure. A few relationships later, it took me a couple more years then it should have to propose.)

intecel

1. You are probably right here. I think I've just fallen into that comfortable spot and just decided to hover. I'm 24 right now. She's 21. Neither of us are at an age where we should be looking for marriage yet. She has even brought this up a few times within the past 6 months.

2. I wasn't snooping. I accidently came across this. If this has been happening for 4 months, and I was trying to snoop, I could have put spy software on the computer to monitor her chat and email, which I did not, nor will not do.

3. At 24, now is not the time to fuck up my credit. Maybe once I purchase my next house, but I'm doing this as an investment for my future. I seriously doubt I will ever have a job at a company that will give me retirement benefits, so this is the next best way I see to provide for the future.

I have thought this out for about three years and if my credit goes to shit, so does my life.

alec

not to be an asshole, but if youre as concerned with your girlfriends credit rating as much as the fact that she may be cheating on you, well, you need to read some more shakespeare or something.

you and her are both young too, and you may be confusing love for infatuation and comfort. from most of what ive read, you dont seem to excited about the relationship. i know its difficult, but when something isn't going to work, it isn't going to work. at a certain point you have to cut your loses even if it requires a couple weeks or months of pain and hurt.

intecel

Alec, this post ended up turning into an attack on my views of marriage, so I explained the reasons why.

MageB420666

If it is an innocent friendship between her and Chris, you would know about it. She has not told you because she does not want you to know. There are two main reasons that I can think of for this:

1. She is either cheating or planning to cheat with him. She knows that there is something going on between her and Chris that she does not want you to find out about.

2. You are (?way too?) jealous when it comes to her being alone with other men when you're not with her.

The first possibility is based upon your post, the second is based upon my general knowledge about how a lot of guys would feel, not saying that this is the case with you, just that maybe you should consider it.

The only way you're going to find out the truth is to talk to her, don't hide why you have your suspisions, tell her the truth, bring up what happened at the party, your coming across the emails to her from a guy you've never met, ask her why she has lied to you about what she has been doing, and so on and so forth.

Talking to her about this could help to fix problems in your relationship that you aren't even aware exist right now, or it could help you realize that the relationship just isn't working out and that it needs to end, or you could find out that she is cheating.

__________________
Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

intecel

Great post, good ideas.

Your second thought is not me at all though. She has a couple guy friends that I know of that she hangs out with from time to time. I have no problems with this, as I have girl friends that I go out with every so often also.

I am far from a jealous person. Honestly, if it were up to me, this could have been a completely open relationship from the beginning, where either of us could do whatever we wanted with whoever we wanted, as long as the other party knows and is ok with it.

Since this was not part of our relationship from the beginning, it can't just migrate that way, which is why I have stayed faithful over the years.

When all this is done behind my back is where I have a problem.

intecel

Well, this sucks... I really need to jump on this soon.. Like in the next couple of days.. She just called me and told me that she was going out with her friend (a girl) to get dinner. She had already told me earlier that she had planned on cooking for me tonight (I usually do the cooking).

When I asked her where she was going, it's on the other end of town at a restaurant in the same area she used to work.

Now, I'm wondering if she's going there to meet up with him... I need to get over this paranoia, and speaking with her will be the only way.

dirtyrascal7

my theory on what's going on:

she was never fine about you not wanting to get married... she likely thought it was a phase that you'd grow out of or that she'd be the one to change your mind... whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. what matters is that after approximately 2 years, she began to realize that there was no "ring" coming her way in the forseeable future, so she started to weigh her options.

she met this guy chris at her work and they started to develop a friendship and he began flirting with her. personally, i don't think she has physically cheated on you, but it has probably crossed her mind. i think that she's hanging out with chris and keeping him close and interested in her without crossing any obvious lines. the fact that she's hiding all this from you gives you good reason to worry, but it doesn't mean you should make assumptions.

if it were me, the issue i'd bring up would be the friday she went to visit him when she said she went to quit her job... you have proof that she is lying so you can use that to help make your case. and once you expose that lie, it should open the gates and be easier to expose the rest of what she's been hiding... including if she's been cheating on you or not.

once you do open all this up, you'll have to completely reevaluate your relationship with her... despite whether she's cheated or not... so be prepared. and by that i mean... figure out just how badly you want to stay with her and what you are and are not willing to forgive.

intecel

I completely agree with this, which is probably why i'm stalling so long... Things had been going a lot better in the past few weeks. It was getting a little flaky there for a while.

hrandani

She's cheating on you.

Leave her, and don't look back.

qtpye4u84

That sounds like me when I cheated.
I told the other guy that me and my boyfriend where going to break up(he also worked with me) and that all I needed to do was move out.

I was going to leave my boy friend for him unless my boyfriend did something to prove to me that he really really loved me.

I did not think I would get caught until he found the phone bill and it had a number that he did not know, that I called a lot and the phone bill was really high too.
just to let you know how some bad girls act.
My boyfriend did not leave me cause I asked him "When you think about the future who are you with" Now that was a relationship saver.

__________________
The QTpie

intecel

Ouch... kinda wish I hadn't heard that...

The funny thing about all this is that about a year ago I made a post asking about how to break up with her. Now, things have gotten a lot better between us and I think she's cheating on me.

I just can't win....

Earlier today, she had offered to cook me dinner (which never happens). Would have been a real treat... She went out with her friend and her friend's boyfriend to a nice expensive restaurant tonight. She didn't even ask me if I wanted to go until I reminded her that she had planned on cooking me dinner.

I think she only asked because she knows I just paid all the bills and am broke until pay day. She just got paid and didn't even offer to pay for my meal if I went. I wasn't about to ask her, but she could have stepped up and offered to take me out to dinner for once.

I'm the one who pays for everything. All the bills, all the meals, everything when we go out.

The funny thing is that she called me at 6:30 PM telling me that they were on their way. It's 10:30 now and she's finally on her way home from wherever she is. Four hours to eat dinner? I don't think so....

She promises me that she was there all night and that it took a while to find a table, but still.... 4 hours?

She offered to buy me mcdonalds on the way home... that pissed me off...

blktour

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU WAITING FOR ????????????
Talk to her already! Confront her!! You seem pretty calm about this.
This isnt going to solve itself.
Its been 2 DAYS!! come on now! step up!!

oh.. and dont forget to let us know when you do this.

Sage

Dude, that isn't love, that's TREATING YOU LIKE A DOORMAT! She's MOOCHING! Does anyone else see that? If she pulls that crap, she's just using you. Now, I know I don't know your history, but if you pay for EVERYTHING and she knows it, and knows you're broke, and then goes and spends all her money and doesn't offer to buy you anything... that's just cheap. Cheap like a desperate prostitute cheap. Let some other bum buy her crap from now on!

__________________

TroutKind

she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating!!!!
the signs are all there man.
reading your thread almost made me sick casue it reminded me so much of what happened to me.
being cheated on is a hard one to swallow. i was with a girl for over 3 years and lived with her for about 2. our relationship had started really changing, sex, her friends she said she was going out with, being late from work, buying new clothes, lots of them. when you are with someone so long you know them and things just weren't right between us. it turns out she was cheating with this guy at work.
when it all came out, it was mainly because i never made the "marriage" commitment to her. personally i think that is a cop out.
if she is doing this now, then it will be really hard to trust her once again.
what would marriage change? you will be just as committed to her afterwards (marriage) i would guess, so what's a piece of paper?
dude, she is cheating and there is nothing you can do about it! sorry to be so pessamistic.
life goes on and there are plenty of better women out there.

Johnny Rotten

Dude, all signs point downhill here. I think you already know what's going on, you just don't want to face up to it. I suspect that she'll get ugly when the shit hits the fan, so make sure your spine is nice and straight when you head into battle. Good luck and godspeed.

__________________
"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

Rdr4evr

I must agree, and if you don't see this, you need to open your eyes man, you're being used simply for your $. If you haven't confronted her by now, it's time to do so. Weakness will never get you anywhere in a relationship, and if you act cowardly, she and future girlfriends/wives will further use you knowing you will allow them to. Be a man and handle it, don't allow her or anyone else to take advantage of you or your resources.

Sugar&Spice

I'm surprised you haven't talked to her about this yet. Are you putting it off because the longer you wait the longer it is before you have to face her answer that may not be the one you want? It will only continue to torment you. When I first suspected my boyfriend had cheated, I immediately talked to one of his friends who confirmed it. As soon as he got home from work we talked about it.

__________________
-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

dirtyrascal7

now i feel stupid for being so nice in my previous post. she doesn't even deserve the benefit of the doubt at this point... it sounds like she's getting things in place so she can make a clean break from you when she's ready. at this point you shouldn't even give her the satisfaction... just beat her to the punch and dump her ass.

Demeter

I guess you found out what she 'brings to the table' in terms of the relationship. The fact that you are posting questions online shows you can see something does not add up. You've probably always felt it, which is why you are so down on marriage. This girl is not for you. You want someone who is loving, giving & trustworthy. Everybody has a right to that.
Whether you decide to break it off with her or not, you already see the truth.
If the situation made sense, you wouldn't be questioning it. Its messed up.

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

intecel

Well, last night when she got home, she was upset that I didn't go. I told her I didn't go because I didn't have any money. She said that she told me to come, meaning that she would pay. I explained that, when I told her that I didn't have any money, she said OK, which is why I said I'd just pickup something on the way home from work.

She says that she never heard me say I wasn't going because I didn't have any money. I kinda believe her because she was in tears over this.

I'm a nosy bastard now though... She told me her email password when she signed up with her hotmail account. This morning I checked her email. Guess who sent her a message...

-----------------------------------

hey babe call me soon
i wanna chill with you

-----------------------------------

A little more fuel to the fire...I want to see her response.

WillyPete

So send the guy an invite to 'this nice private spot you know up in the hills...' with her account.

Take a bag of lime so the body decomposes quicker.

Demeter

You do realize that reading her emails is very very wrong, no matter what you suspect may be there. That shows the trust in the relationship has already dissolved.
Guess you got what you were looking for.

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

ShaniFaye

my ex brother in law did that.....now he's serving life in prison

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

lindseylatch

Yeah, gees, reading her e-mail is a big no-no...JUST TALK TO HER!! Fer Christ's sake...

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

WillyPete

Take 2 bags then.

Jim Kata

intecel....you are a sucker. this shouldn't even be an issue anymore. you'll find someone else.

Johnny Rotten

Would you rather sit her down and have a talk, or secretly read her email and watch your relationship unravel? Do you even want advice from us? I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve at this point...

__________________
"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

Cynthetiq

well stated.

Relationships are a partcipatory sport, not one of sitting back watching...

relationships require work, seems like as this thread continues on you really don't want to put any into it either.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

lindseylatch

Maybe he just wants to complain and get sympathy. Although my sympathy drained away with the breaking into her e-mail to spy on her, and not talking to her when there's been time and opportunity...
Everyone is saying the same thing, but intercel isn't listening.

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

Coppertop

First of all, he didn't break into her email. She gave him the password. That's implied permission. Would you say he broke into a home when the owner had given him the key? No.

And I'd like to meet a woman who doesn't snoop. Do they even exist?

Cynthetiq

yes, i know of two of them off the top of my head, JustJess, and my wife Skogafoss.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

ShaniFaye

add another one to the list...snooping is beneath my dignity

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

lindseylatch

I don't snoop. If I thought something was wrong, I would (and have) just ask my boyfriend. There's no reason to snoop if you don't keep everything bottled up and never have a meaningful conversation with your partner.

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

alec

fuck that, snooping rules. and if you ever get caught, just blame it on love.

jorgelito

Um...I would agree if he actually ":broke in" but she deliberately gave him her password - why would she do that?

Maybe she wanted him to see the e-mails to "force the issue" so they could have "the talk". It's possible. It sounds like they had some communication mix-up especially if she really did want him to go to dinner.

Let's see what happens.

lindseylatch

I assume that was a while ago, and she probably completely forgot that he even had the password. She also may have assumed that he had enough respect for her that he would not go into her account without asking her and/or explaining the reason he wanted to do so.

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

Coppertop

That's a lot of assuming.