intecel

I think my girlfriend is cheating on me... I think this has been going on for some time now, but I don't have concrete evidence yet. This is pretty close, but it's not 100%. Tell me what you would think by what I'm about to explain and the emails I found below.

I've been living with my girlfriend for about 2 years now.

December '04, I went to her work's Christmas party with her. A couple girls had just come in that she works with and asked her a question about this guy Chris that she works with. She said something along the lines of "How would I know" and their response was "Well, you're dating him, so you should know".

Mind you, this is before I was even introduced to them as her boyfriend and they didn't even know I would be there (I wasn't planning on going from the start). After they realized I was there with her, they were like "Oh we're just kidding" and she says that they were just messing with me. I didn't know what to think at this point, but have been suspicious ever since.

Now, in the past month or two, she has been acting a little strange. She has asked me a couple times if I really love her and started some fights about nothing. She's also told me that she wants to know where the relationship is going and that she wants a ring eventually (which I'm not even considering yet as we've been together only a little over 2 years).

So last week, Wednesday, I'm searching for something i found on MSN's search. I end up coming across an email from Chris to her. Seems somewhat harmless until I got nosy and found another one. This guy is pretty illiterate, so I can't decide what all of it means.

Let me know what yall think:

Here's the first email on Tuesday:
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Subject : please come and see me!

hey babe

Well, I am about to get my wisdom teeth out in 1 hour from now 8:00 a.m. I hope I can see u very soon. Call me whenever you get a chance. Buh bye girl!


Chris
oxoxo

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Here is the second email on Wednesday:
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What happened? U were going to call me before you got outta work? or maybe comeover to chill? I will forgive you. Well, I just feel that now that you and your boy are fine now. You wont be moving out and all? I mean that's great if you 2 are fine. I just don't want to be chasing something that I will get to do. As in like ya know! I don't want to look like a jackass for trying to hook up with you. I just wanted to know what you feel and what you would like to do? I hope I am making sence with this.

Chris

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She replied to this message with: I will try to come over on Friday since I am not working until 3.
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That friday, she left the house at around 8:30 AM to pay my mortgage payment and didn't get back home until about Noon. I asked what she was doing and she said she went to her second job to quit, but they convinced her to stay. She only worked Sundays at this job, and yesterday she came home about 3 hours after leaving for work saying that they fired her (which she didn't want that job anyways).

Then before she went to work the other day, she left a conversation on the screen with this message. It doesn't bug me, but I'm wondering if she's talking about the guy Chris that's been emailing her:

"lol i dont know any hot guys! well other than dave and the guys i work with"

She has never told me once that she has hung out with this guy Chris, or brought up his name in a conversion EVER. From these emails it looks like she's been hanging out with him. Where he asks her if she was going to come over to chill, by that, I almost know that she knows where he lives or has been over to his house.

Do I have the right to be suspicious now? I think I do.... What do yall think? I'm going to confront her in the next couple days about this and just have the emails on the screen and tell her to explain.

KMA-628

yes she is.....(obviously I don't know for sure, but you presented enough evidence to make a very, very strong case).

talk to her, but without the email, you don't want to get into that mess.

It almost seems like she is wavering between the two of you and kinda leadin' both of you on.

You don't need this headache.

Good luck.

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Before you criticize someone, you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry at you.......you're a mile away.......and they're barefoot.

ShaniFaye

I honestly cant make heads or tails out of those emails....but I will ask you this...you've been with this girl 2 years but yet thats not long enuff for a ring? How long do you think you should be with someone before you can "commit". Why would you be with someone two years that you had no intention of commiting yourself too? and finally, why should you expect someone that you've been with for two years, who knows you dont want to commit to think you actually ever will?

I dont understand that, its a totally foriegn concept to hear someone say (paraphrased as the way I see what you're saying)....we've ONLY been together a little over two years, I havent considered major commitment yet cause its not long enuff but yet I know this is what she wants and I continue to ignore it.

__________________
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Cynthetiq

TRUE DECODER ANSWERS FOUND HERE....









ask her.

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intecel

One other thing... The other night, she made a comment about something, and I turned it into a joke saying that she cheated on me. She says "I would never cheat on you. I'm not that kind of person". I asked her if she was sure. She said again that she never has or never would cheat on me.

Then why hasn't she ever mentioned anything about this guy Chris?

intecel

She came into this relationship knowing that I do not plan on getting married, basically indefinitely. I told her that I want my life completely in order before that step happens. I was in my last relationship for 5 years and this was never a problem, and in this relationship, she says she understood and would wait for me to be ready.

All my friends who have been married are currently divorced. Not a single couple has stayed together. My parents are divorced, same with most people I know.

It's more of a headache than anything and I want to make sure that everything is 100% before I move into that step.

ShaniFaye

this doesent sound like she is on the same page you think she is

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Cynthetiq

right, some people pretend that it's what they want thinking that eventually the other person will come around. This can be about any subject ranging from children to marriage, clubbing and guy's nights out.

It's not fair and it's not right but it does happen as people can and will change their minds.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

intecel

She just started on this over the past month or so. This issue hasn't ever been brought up before this, but now she brings it up so much that it's really turning into a nag than anything else.

sailor

Based on those emails and your other comments, Id be *really* suspicious. Sit down and ask her, and tell her why--but Id leave out the emails unless you absolutely have to.

Anyway you slice it, those emails imply shes up to something with some other guy that you dont even know about--and thats damn suspicious in and of itself. Combine that with the overheard conversation about the *same guy* and you have some pretty solid evidence.

Good luck man, that sucks

__________________
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alec

keep your options open with other people, it seems like youve invested a lot of time in this women and you may be sooner or later finding out it was all for naught (at least on her end).

ratbastid

Is she cheating? Who knows. Maybe. You should talk about that.

In the meantime, here's something that might be behind the trouble:

Lord, what a cop-out that is! Has your life EVER been completely in order? Do you actually have ANY hope that it EVER will be? I know mine hasn't, and I don't. That's just not how life goes!

What you've said here is, "There's absolutely not a flaming chance in hell I'll ever get married... but I want it to look like I'm not totally closed off about that."

And then she said she was okay with that--she basically bought your BS that someday you might get married. And now you're upset that she's on a different page than you? Pretty hypocritical, dude.

kutulu

I thing you NEED to bring up those emails. Start with the 'well you're dating him' line and bring up the emails you found. Don't let her turn it around with her getting upset about you snooping (most guilty parties would try to). Something is going on and it's been going on for FOUR MONTHS. It's possible that nothing (sexual) has happened but that point is irrelevant. The only relevant issue is that she's been having some sort of a relationship with a guy for FOUR MONTHS and she's never mentioned it to you.

The marriage stuff is a side issue, I don't get why so many posters have been distracted by it. You may be misleading about your long term intentions but it in no way justifies her outside relationships.

intecel

I'll agree with this post. Marriage really has nothing to do with what I originally posted.

Does everyone else think it's alright to cheat while in a relationship if they're not married or something?

Either way, from the beginning, I was just giving up what I knew and to see if I was crazy for reading this in a way that makes it look like she's cheating on me.

Coppertop

You're jumping to an awful lot of conclusions there rat. If she is truly on a different page and wants out of the relationship, she should tell him and end the relationship before fucking around with other men, period. intecel isn't the bad guy here (if she is indeed cheating). The right time for one to get married isn't the right time for all.

I feel for you intecel, I'd wager she is fucking around behind your back. Too many things to ignore. Ask her straight up. That's the only way to know.

kutulu

The absence of a ring does not give the partner the right to fuck around. It would be one thing if it was a casual relationship but you two are living together. I don't think you are crazy, I think she's cheating. You need to lay it all out and find out what she's up to. Keep pressing and keep her on the defensive. Print the messages out, search for any others from this Chris fucker, and get all her replies.

If she's cheating on you give her three days to get every item of hers out of your house. Tell her anything remaining after that time will be taken to the goodwill. Change the locks immediately and don't give her a key. Until she is out she shouldn't be there without you.

intecel

Exactly... I don't know how it turned into a personal attack on my views of marriage.

I guess I think differently than most. I don't jump right into anything unless I have an idea that good things will come out of it. Marriage right now means bad things:

A) I don't know if we're good enough to stay together for life *yet*. Things have been good, but I'm not sure yet.
B) Her credit is completely f'ed.
C) I have a house I'm going to be trying to sell at a 25% profit next year.
D) I will need a new house soon after. I need good credit for this.

intecel

Agreed. I have had many many opportunities in the past two years that I've easily passed on because I have something at home.

kutulu

I don't think you should have to justify your reasons why you don't want to be married yet. My wife and I waited 7 years before getting married and we don't regret it one bit.

intecel

You know... I've also considered emailing this fucker back from her email address and try to coax him into telling me something...

Or, email him from mine and tell him he's gonna be hurting if I ever see him... but I really don't want to get arrested over an email heh...

Cynthetiq

You do however have to justify it to the other person. The decision comes from two people not the dictation of one.

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snowy

Hey, how about this idea...

TALK TO HER.

If you REALLY want answers, stop dancing around the issue, sit down and have a meaningful conversation.

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lindseylatch

And don't play around like you did before, making it into a joke. Tell her about the e-mails, tell her about how you felt when her friends said Chris was her boyfriend.

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Bacchanal

In my mind, that line says it all. If she hasn't been cheating, she's been planning to.

I know it sucks, but I'd bail. I've had to do almost the exact same thing except mine was over a cell phone that I was paying for, and hers came in the form of text messages/voicemail.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Rdr4evr

Chris does indeed sound like an utter moron, which I'm sure he is. I also would say that it's a fairly safe bet that she's cheating on you with this jackass, and that you have every right to confront her and use the emails to your advantage.

Also, I too would threaten him or hurt him in some manner as well, be it physical or mental. I'm not normally a violent person, but if my girl cheated on me with some guy who was fully aware she was in a relationship and still pursued sexual action, that is disrespectful, and I don't like to be disrespected by some cunt who thinks he has the right to fuck my girl, and he would pay for it. She wouldn't get any less of a harsher treatment either, but like I said, if the guy knew that she is taken, and still proceeded to go after her, fuck him, but if he didn't know (which isn’t the case in your situation), that's another story.

Willravel

Don't hurt Chris. Natural selection usually puts people that dumb in front of cars or under pianos.

WillyPete

Has no-one here ever had one of those friends at work or school that is always there to listen to you?
Have you ever had one of those friends you never tell your S.O. about because it's not worth the hassle of the "Why can't you tell me these things?" inquisition?
Never been in one of those situations where you're the 'good friend' and it seems that this person you get along so well with is just being treated like shit by their partner?


Maybe Chris is that guy?
Maybe he thinks she's so open about this because she likes him, whereas it's usually the case that she can't talk to her partner but feels ok just blurbing about the things she doesn't like in her relationship?

Questions like "where are we going in this relationship" sound like the advice so-called 'good friends' give to one another.


On the other hand, if she tells you she's staying over at a girlfriends for some lame reason or that she's 'visiting her mother', then you can throw the trash through his window.

intecel

HAHA... that's damn funny...

F-18_Driver

I can't imagine that she's not cheating. I also notice that you pay the mortgage, and she's either unemployed or underemployed. Nice work if you (she) can get it. You can rest assured she won't want to move out unless she's got somebody lined up to provide a place for her to live.

Personally, I think if you "commit" to this girl, you should be committED.

I also side with you in regard to taking your time. I've actually gone out on a first date and been told (during the salad) that we shouldn't keep seeing each other if I wasn't "serious." This was followed by some moderately intense questioning about the work I do.

I'll dispense with all of the blowjob jokes and simply say that I've seen women (and men, to be fair) that could disguise their true personality for extended periods. Based on my experience, I'd consider two years an absolute MINIMUM requirement in terms of getting to know the other person.

In a community property state, she would have a strong claim to half the profit of the house if you sold it while married. I'm sure that had NOTHING to do with her accelerated timetable, though.

It's always the one without assets who pushes for a "commitment" as soon as possible. Just mention a pre-nup and see what kind of reaction you get.

I'd advise having riot gear handy.

kutulu

It's relative to the health of their relationship but it is a side issue if you are trying to find out if a partner is cheating. He should be more concerned about IF than he is about WHY. There are many reasons WHY but no reason WHY justifies her fucking some dude.

The reason WHY something happens is useful only for refelction on the past.

kutulu

If he was that guy he wouldn't say this:

Maybe it's possible they haven't slept together but leading someone on is nearly as bad.

There are no secrets in a good relationship past or present. If you love someone and are willing to marry them you should be comfortable with them knowing everything about you.

Cynthetiq

kudos looking at it from a completely different angle.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

intecel

Yeah, I think it's wrong either way. She's completely hiding this from me, which I never do to her.

intecel

How should I bring up the topic... Should I flat out accuse her as if I know something already happened? Like: Have you ever cheated on me? <her answer will be no> Not even with Chris?

Or should I say that I found a couple upsetting emails and go from there?

This is completely foreign to me...

cj2112

I would ask her "exactly what is your relationship with Chris?" When she answers "oh we're friends" I'd ask her "are you friends that have sex, are you friends that are dating, what do you mean by friends?" I would NOT hide the fact that I know about the emails (being secretive about your activities is exactly the same as her hiding her activities from you)and then if she says she's been cheating on you I would leave her, if she claims she hasn't then I would ask her why she would choose to remain friends with a guy who's goal is to break up her relationship. I'd explain to her how I felt, why I'm feeling insecure, and ask her to please take your feelings into consideration. You need to talk with her about this like mature adults, fighting about it will get you nowhere. As far as kicking his ass, that will get you 2 things: 1. an opportunity to experience the criminal justice system first hand (being charged with assault) 2. a probation officer after you get out of jail. It's just not worth it.

Willravel

DO NOT FLAT OUT ACCUSE HER, please. You could go with the upsetting e-mails, but she could easily make it sound as if you're paranoid, and Chris is illiterate. Are any of her friends also friends with you? You might go to one of your girlfriend's friends with something like, "I love (girlfriend's name here), but I think I'm getting paranoid. Should I be jelous of Chris and (girlfriend's name)'s friendship?" That way you put it on the table while avoiding an accusation.

WillyPete

For sure.
I'm sure it's been discussed between them.
What's probably happened is that the guy truly does like her, and after being the one she talks to a lot (one reason for her friends saying that they are 'going out') he's obviously felt the need to express his feelings for her.
I think the guy is aware that he's the 'other man' and doesn't want the guilt of being a cause of a breakup, but it still doesn't stop him from telling her that he's an option.

That, and her questions about where you are heading in the relationship makes it sound like she's either had a small flirt/kiss thing going with the guy or she's on the edge of being unfaithful.

Take stock.
Where ARE you heading with her?
How would you feel without her?
How would she handle the invasion of privacy? The confrontation may just drive her towards the guy after she realises it's out in the open.

Personally, I'd ask her about Chris, saying only that you had been told they were close.
For your own sake, keep your cards close to your chest.

lurkette

I don't mean to be the pessimistic voice over here, but here goes...

Why are you with her?

1. You clearly want different things - she wants a commitment, you do not. I don't see anything wrong with either of your positions, they're just incompatible.
2. She's lying to you and you're snooping on her. Sounds like an absence of trust and communication.
3. If you're seriously bothered by her credit rating and its effect on your finances, I wouldn't recommend getting married. 1. bad news, 2. not the concerns of a man in love.

If you're not willing/able to address these things with her openly, then maybe she might be better off with someone else, and you would be better off without her. If you want a long-term relationship, it sounds like she's not the one. If you don't, you'd be doing her a favor by releasing her to go find someone to marry.

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intecel

I am not friends with any of her friends. She really doesn't have too many since most moved for college / army a few years ago, and she rarely ever goes out unless I am going out.

Seeker

How about asking her about the changes and things she has brought forward, her questions about 'where you are at' in the relationship. I'm not sure that she has cheated, but I think she is doing some serious thinking. I'm thinking she is pondering the 'validity' of the relationship.

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